His whole body was numb and throbbing at once. There was no jest in his words. Matt was indeed a natural. He went to Steve, who trembled at his touch, one hand laying on his chest, the other cupping his neck. “When we make love, I’ll be inside of you in more than one way. I’ll be in your mind and heart and soul. I want you forever, Steve, if that’s what’s meant for us. I’m not asking God for his consent to this. I’m asking myself, and I’m asking you. I want you, but I want you forever.”
“Matt…”
“I’m starting to understand the difference. I don’t own you, but you’ll be mine. Because you willingly and happily give yourself to me, and I won’t take that for granted.”
“You know, Matt, I’m sure some of the girls in your compound feel that way, that the men they’re placed with are that for them. I see where you got confused.”
Matt took his hands, confirming he knew that. “It’s the equality that is the biggest difference. I’m not above you or lording over you. I’m not hiding behind some books that are supposedly written by divine word. I’m telling you that I want to protect you and cherish you. I’ll treat you like you are the greatest gift in my life.”
Steve’s eyes narrowed as he asked, “Where is this coming from, Matt? I know you were reading about dominance and submission, but if it’s bringing up too many bad memories, we can put all that on hold indefinitely. You come first, your needs, your fears, everything. I want to make things easier for you, not harder, Matt.”
“Your job is to take care of me, and mine is to take care of you. It’s what I want. I’m not freaking out or sad about it. I’m figuring out that this is who I am as a person, and it’s not what I’ve been taught. What I feel is so much better. We’re all different, and this is just who I am. I didn’t have to be taught this. If it was that, I’d feel I was owed this, and that’s about as far from the truth as I could ever get. I’m grateful. I wasn’t owed this, I was lucky to find this.”
Relaxing, Steve sighed, “Oh, Matt, I’m the lucky one, or maybe we both are.”
The oven timer dinged, reminding him that he’d been cooking, besides the tempting he was doing to Matt. “Lunch is done. Want to eat outside? Relive the picnic a little?”
“Sure.”
Steve hurried to plate their dishes and he stuck a tablecloth under his arm, so they could drape it over the small table that sat between two of the Adirondack chairs. The lunch was unhurried and soothing, both of them nibbling on the food while watching the birds take advantage of one of Steve’s many bird feeders that he kept among the branches of the trees in the front.
“You know, I don’t regret everything. My mom, she does love her sister wives. They’re best friends. I’d walk in and see them giggling, throwing their arms around each other when one was sad. When one of my mom’s lost her mother, the other wives just surrounded her with love and companionship for weeks. It was hard on her, but they made it so much easier.”
Steve could relate, in a strange way. “My parents came over from Italy, and so did a few of their siblings. Back in Naples, though, most of my family still lives there, and we’d visit now and then. Big families, lots of people to take the burden off in times of need. Funerals, they were huge, so much food, so many tears, but laughter too.”
“Yeah! I never thought I’d relate to a Catholic.”
“Ditto on the Mormon thing,” he laughed. “People aren’t all that different. I’ll even bet that you felt very alone, even in that crowd of people some of the time. Especially when you discovered you were gay.”
Matt didn’t answer for a long time, blinking slowly while watching a beautiful blue bird perched on the rail of the porch a few feet down from them. When he did comment, his voice was low and a little bitter. “Right after I figured it out, I was in a crowd of my brothers and cousins, all boys. They were talking about girls, how many they thought they’d marry, sneaking words in I didn’t even begin to understand, talking about their bodies. I felt alone, scared. Like…like if they knew, they’d all hate me, and think I was going to hell. Shoot, I thought I was going to hell just thinking about being with boys like we were supposed to be with girls.”
“Hell is a very big thing for keeping people in line. I guess that goes for any church.”
“Separation from the family, that was the biggest threat. Never ever seeing your loved ones again. And that didn’t just mean death. It meant any disobedience of the prophet and you’d be banished, never allowed to see the people you’d grown up with, the mothers that raised you, siblings you spent your days with.”
The last few words were said on a hoarse voice, a sob that was waiting to escape his beautiful man’s throat. Steve set the plate on the table and knelt before him, taking both of Matt’s hands into his. “I’m so sorry, honey. I know how much it hurts to be away from them.”
His eyes were filled with tears, but he didn’t shy from them, letting Steve see as one started to roll down his cheek. “You’ll be my family now, Steve. You and Dean and Aaron, my sister, Rachel. Anyone who will be able to see what my father and grandfather had done to us all these years.”
At the mention of Dean, Steve’s chest ached. Still, he wouldn’t add to Matt’s pain. “I’ll be your family proudly. Maybe…maybe someday, we can add to it. Adopt some kids who would have been hurt, like you were.”
Slipping one hand from Steve’s, Matt wiped his eyes with the back of it and sniffed hard. “I’d like that.”
He took the dishes and cleaned up while leaving Matt outside, hurrying so he could rejoin him. When he got back outside, Matt had his hands on the rail, watching over the trees, and there was a little smile on his lips.
Steve stood beside him, remarking, “Some days, the birds will fight and play around the feeders, but today, they seem to be getting along.”
Matt moved his hand over Steve’s, and that was the way they stayed for a long time. As much as Steve wanted Matt to make love to him, he could live his whole life without it, if every moment was a sweet touch like that, a simply hand over his. In that gesture, Matt told him he loved him without words needed.
Stacy didn’t get back until after dark. When they left the porch, they binge watched five episodes of an old sitcom, something Matt had never seen. He laughed so hard, he was doubled in half most of the episodes, and Steve enjoyed his relaxed reverie. That was over the moment Stacy entered the house.
The look on her face alone had them both forget their laughter. Steve turned off the television as they both stood. “Hey, guys.”
Matt grabbed for Steve’s hand, which he gave, and Stacy came around to face them, gesturing to the couch. “Sit, please.”
“What happened? I knew you weren’t just going to town to shop.” Steve and Stacy exchanged a glance that Matt caught, yanking his hand from Steve’s. “You?”
Stacy tried to calm him. “Don’t blame him, Matt, he wanted to tell you, but there wasn’t anything to tell until now.”
Putting aside his guilt and Matt’s anger at him, he looked to her, sickness filling his gut. “What did you find out, Stacy?”
“Sit, please, both of you.”
Matt did, but he was on the very edge of the seat. Matt joined him, but not close, knowing right then, he wasn’t welcome.
Stacy set her bag on the coffee table right before she sat next to it. “Matt…Matt, honey, Dean’s dead.”
Matt crumpled in on himself, sobs breaking through his tightly closed lips. Steve did intrude then, moving over to him, holding him while he cried, and was surprised that Matt didn’t shrug him off.
They both waited for Matt’s tortured crying to calm, then she told the rest of the story. “We were worried when he didn’t pick up for you. Steve wanted to talk to you about it, but neither of us wanted to worry you until there was something more concrete to go on.”
Matt grabbed him, holding him close and kissing his neck quickly. “Thank you.”
“As soon as I got to town, I went to that printer he worked for and the cle
rk behind the counter told me he hadn’t been to work in three days. No call, no show. She was a snarky little bitch about it, but she just thought he was quitting without calling. I guess she had to cover his shifts.”
Matt laughed through his tears. “He was always making someone mad.”
Stacy’s warm smile came with her lying her hand on his cheek. “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”
“How’d you know he was dead?”
“I didn’t. Not yet. I had a bad feeling, so I went to the cops. I didn’t tell them anything except I was a friend and I hadn’t heard from him. They said they had a John Doe at the morgue. He gave me a paper to show the hospital where the morgue is, and I went. I can’t identify him legally. That takes a relative or someone closer to him, honey. You’ll have to go, but I did make the guy at the morgue promise he wouldn’t tell just anyone calling.”
“I…I have to see?”
She nodded, hating herself for it, as she had to say, “Yes, but we’ll be right there with you.”
Matt’s red eyes turned to him and Steve agreed, “I won’t leave your side for a second.”
Continuing her explanation, she said, “I spoke to the cops, told them a little about him, but not that he’s involved in a case that the FBI was looking into. I told them as little as possible. I made it sound like he was simply a lost boy from a compound. I didn’t tell them which one. I acted like I wasn’t sure. They think it was a mugging, or had to do with drugs or something.”
“He didn’t do drugs!”
Steve interjected, “He wasn’t, but it’s better for them to think that for now. If they go asking the compound about this…”
“Okay, okay. What else?”
“Well, once I got done at the police station, I called Charlie. It took him a while to get back to me, so I sat at a diner for almost two hours. I didn’t want to come home until I was sure something was going to get done. Once I spoke to him, he called his director, who set up an agent to come out within the next couple of days. He’s coming here, to take our statements, then see if he should call in more people or do some more investigating before he does that.”
Steve felt relieved, but Matt was a mess. He asked her more questions and she gave him the best answers she could. Mostly, he cried.
Stacy told them to go into the master bedroom to rest, her role as chaperone forgotten in the wake of Matt needing him close. Matt lay on the bed and Steve lay with him, holding him while he cried more, then got eerily quiet.
“Talk to me, Matt.”
“Do you know that I didn’t want more brothers? When Daddy married his mother, I didn’t like Dean. I thought I had enough brothers, and besides, he wasn’t Daddy’s real son. Dean liked me, though. He kept at me, making faces, telling me jokes, always trying to make me laugh, until I finally did. He told me later that he was afraid of my dad, and that if I liked him, maybe my dad would. After a while, though, he didn’t care if my dad liked him.”
“He saw in you a protector. You’ve been strong all your life, haven’t you?”
“Had to be, I guess. I wasn’t the oldest, but everyone seemed so…”
“They were obedient and not the way you were. You were to protect yourself, but they were because they didn’t know they could be anything else.”
Matt turned his head and he stared at Steve, honestly curious. “How do you know so much about me?”
“I don’t know, Matt. I guess I feel that you were a lot like me. I was a good kid too. I didn’t have brothers and sisters. My mom was sick after she had me and the doctors told her she shouldn’t. I had a lot of cousins, though, and they were as close as siblings. I got lost in that crowd sometimes, while they were playing little kid games, I wanted to be in my room, reading or watching one of my favorite shows. Still, it was nice. I always had a playmate when I broke down and decided to be a kid for a little while.”
“I wish I’d known you then.”
Steve smiled, wistfully thinking about that. “We’d have had a lot of fun. I would have bugged you to read all the books I was reading. I would have driven you nuts.”
“And I would have read all of them, hiding them from my parents.”
Steve turned on his side, brushing the few tears left on Matt’s face until they were dried. “I wish I could take all the pain you’ve ever felt.”
“It kinda said in that book you gave me that I’m supposed to do that for you. That I can take all your worries and fears. I want to do that. Steve, I’m going through a lot, but don’t feel sorry for me. All of it just makes me know that what I’m doing is right. Trying to stop my father and the others is what I’m supposed to do.”
The remarkable way Matt had to cut right through the bullshit, it was one of his best qualities. “Okay. Then I can confess that I’m scared of losing you, like Dean was lost.”
“Good. I mean, not that you’re afraid but that you can tell me that and know I’m not going to crumble. I’m going to stop them, Steve. I’m going to make them pay for Dean and for all the rest. It hurts, yeah. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces, but it’s not going to make me stop trying.”
“Matt, God, you’re amazing. I believe you will. Stacy and I are here to help you. Your cousin wants to help too. Stacy said she called Mac on her way back here.”
“He’s a good man. Gives me hope that not everyone I’m blood related to is a creep.”
Setting his lips to Matt’s, he quieted all the other words that didn’t need to be spoken that night. He didn’t sleep with him but waited until Matt was breathing shallow and slow before he left him, pulling the blanket around him before he left.
Stacy was drinking a brandy in the kitchen, looking like she’d been through hell. He joined her in the drink and with a seat across from her. “I can’t believe this. The cops, they just took your explanation without blinking, didn’t they?”
An exaggerated nod came with, “Yup.”
“Damn. The lost boys, they really are, aren’t they? Lost. No one gives a shit. Isn’t there some kind of program for them? Something?”
“Maybe in places where there are more of these cults gathered. This is an out of the way sect. Utah, maybe, Nevada, Arizona, other parts of Colorado or New Mexico. Not here.”
She was wrung out like an overworked dishrag, and the dark circles under her eyes told the tale. “Stacy, if this is too much for you, get the hell out of here. You want to start a life with Charlie, and you can’t do that here, possibly putting your neck on the line.”
“I’m not leaving until the job is done, Steve. He’s not just a fucking client anymore.”
He took a stiff gulp of the brandy and swallowed, watching her closely. “He got to you too. You love him.”
“He’s like the little brother I always wanted, ya know? Sweet, smart, strong, and in a world of shit that I can only hope I can get him out of. It’s making me doubt myself, Steve. These people are smart, for never having been to a real school. They’re evilness makes them smart. They know enough to avoid all the traps that got the other pigs like them caught. They marry, with permission, underage girls and we can’t do a damn thing about it! They sold girls, Steve! That could have been me! That could have been my little cousins, my friends’ little girls. If they’d been born in a different place to different people, it could have been them. How can I marry Charlie and possible have a little girl, one that will play dress-up and have a room full of dolls, and every single time I’ll look at her, I’ll think of these pigs? These men that think little girls like that are a way to make them some pocket money.”
Knowing she’d had enough brandy, Steve took the bottle and poured himself a bit more before he placed it back in the cabinet and went back over to the table. “Honey, it’s always going to be like this. There’s always going to be men that think girls and women are expendable or for sale. Boys too, for that matter. My priest showed me that.”
She pled with him with her eyes, while her hands curled into fists, pounding the table to emphasize her wo
rds, “I want them all dead!”
“Me too. But all we can do is our little part. We get these guys, and we protect the little girls we can, here. Then, who knows, maybe you can expand your business. Hire some help and go after more of them.”
Her lashes fluttered over her cheeks as she thought about that. “Damn. I could.”
“Yeah. I’d help. I’d bet Matt would too. He’s got a knack for investigation. Look how much he did on his own.”
“He never stops impressing you. That’s a good sign you two are in this for a good long time.”
Steve confessed, “He says forever. I’d love that. That kind of talk, though, it feels like a jinx to me. It scares me.”
“Then that’s half the fight. If it didn’t scare the shit out of you, it’s probably not real,” she said, her laughter sardonic. “The first time Charlie and I made love, I felt so overwhelmed that I was scared. Like he’d never call and all that. Then he did, and it scared me more. Now, I’m afraid all over again that he may forget about me while he’s on this new assignment.”
Steve knew what she meant. “All those love songs and poems, man, they talk about so much, but the fear? You never hear about the fear as much as all the rest. I’m so afraid of losing this guy! And here he is, telling me that it’s forever, and how much he loves me.”
“I really hope the best for the two of you. And me and Charlie. We would make great forever couples.”
He lifted his glass and agreed, “We sure would.”
Chapter Fifteen
Covered with a hat and sunglasses wasn’t enough to keep Matt from being recognizable. Steve worried the entire time they were heading into the city to identify the body.
He held Matt’s hand while the curtain was pulled back, showing Dean’s beaten and dead body on the other side of a window. He lay on a steel table that he imagined felt like a slab of ice, and it gave Steve a shiver. It wasn’t the first dead body he’d seen by a long shot, but he’d never get used to it.
“That’s him. Dean Handler. I don’t know his middle name, if he has one.”
The Principle (Legacy Book 2) Page 14