by Huss, JA
“Why would I run away?”
She swallows and looks down, like she feels defeated. “Because I’m a mess, Ford.”
I pull her towards me and put my arms around her bare back dragging a single finger up and down her spine “You seem pretty together to me, Ashleigh.” She shivers from my touch and I stop.
“No,” she says softly. “Don’t stop. I like it.”
I use two fingers this time, tracing the vertebrae of her spine. Her back buckles slightly and she gasps. “Does it hurt?” I ask.
She pulls back and looks up at me. “Hurt? No, it feels so good I almost can’t stand it.”
I squint my eyes as I try to imagine how she interprets these sensations, and then I flinch when her finger traces a line down my arm.
“Does it hurt you?” Ashleigh asks, her eyes trained on mine.
Do I want her to know me like this? Do I want her to know that I’m a freak, in the strictest definition of the word? Is this what intimacy entails? Baring your weaknesses to someone who might take advantage, but trusting them not to?
I let out a long breath. “Yeah. It fucking hurts.” Her finger pulls back but I catch her tiny wrist in my hand and study her face for a reaction. She’s listening, that’s all. Just listening. “I can stop it from hurting. It only takes a second, but my brain is wired wrong. Everything hurts until I tell it not to.”
“Oh shit, Ford. I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that.”
I shrug. “You wanted to know why I had to see so many doctors? It wasn’t for the Asperger’s, it was for this whole no touching thing. It took a really long time for someone to believe me. I’d tell them over and over again, just stop fucking touching me and I’ll be fine. But they never believed me because they could never find the cause of it. My dad was the only one who thought it was an actual physical response and not just some strange psychosis. And those fucking doctors all just wanted to poke me over and over again. It was like torture.”
“But it’s better now?” Ashleigh asks.
“Mostly,” I say impassively. “I didn’t really understand myself until high school. That’s when things started to make sense. I caught up with my mind and was able to take control. The touching is not a big deal these days. I’m good at turning off the pain. I only feel it briefly if I’m touched unexpectedly. If I see it coming, I process it just fine.”
“And then it feels good?” She’s watching me, very carefully. I can almost see her mind working, putting the pieces of me together in a way that makes sense.
“Well, it’s a fine line between pain and pleasure and as you know, my line might be microscopic.”
She smirks out a laugh between her lips. “Well, that kind of explains a lot about you Ford.”
“Yeah, this pain pleasure thing has consumed me my whole life. It’s the only thing I thought about as a kid. And I wasn’t bullied or anything, I’m far too vicious and devious to put up with that shit, but I walked through childhood afraid of people finding out how easy it was to hurt me.”
“So how do you tell the difference? Doesn’t it get all mixed up in there? Inside your brain?”
“I just choose to experience one sensation and not the other.” I turn her around until she’s facing the mirror and then I grasp her nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I don’t squeeze, just hold it gently. “Let me show you.” My other hand follows the curve of her hip, unbuttons her pants, and then slides down her lower belly. “Tell me what you feel, OK?” She nods as my fingertips dip down between her legs and find her folds. I press against her, but at the same time I squeeze her nipple hard and then release.
“Ow!” She laughs out the word. “Well, that was painful.”
I smile at myself in the mirror and she catches me and makes a face. “Let’s try it again,” I whisper down into her ear. Her pussy floods with wetness and becomes slick around my fingers. I play with her a little more forcefully and this time she moans. I rub it faster, then dip my mouth down, nip her earlobe, and then squeeze her nipple.
This time she actually comes. Whimpering, and moaning, and pressing herself into my chest.
Fucking Ashleigh.
“You need to learn how to play hard to get, Ash. You’re perpetually on the cusp of explosion.”
She slumps against me, languishing in her moment. “Ford, the promise of your full sexual attention is just about the highlight of my life right now, why pretend?”
Holy shit, this fucking girl!
“I pinched it much harder that time but all you felt was the pleasure. I’m pretty good at that. I hardly ever hurt the girls when I’m paying attention, so I’m sorry I hurt you the other night. I was off my game.” She’s still relaxed against my chest, her legs a little wobbly, so I turn her around, lift her up, and set her on the bathroom counter. “Will that hold you over for a while? And you can stop pestering me for a fuck?”
She looks up, watching me intently. “It’s a good start.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Green River, Utah is not known for its varied selection of restaurants, so we settle on a tavern that looks like Billy the Kid might’ve eaten here back in the day. It’s either this or Arby’s. It’s quiet since it’s Monday night, but you can just tell it’s the local hangout on the weekends. There’s fliers on the wall advertising a band called Scuffed Boots and a jukebox playing some kind of pop country music.
“Does she sit up yet?” I ask Ashleigh of Kate as she wedges the car seat between the table and the back of the booth. “When do they sit in real chairs?”
She looks at me like I’m an idiot. “Real chairs? Like in a booth and not a high chair? Maybe three years if she has a booster seat.”
“Years?” Man, I have no clue and thankfully I get ignored. We order the burgers when the waitress comes since that’s the only thing this place serves. “I could go for some sushi. When we get to Vegas, we’re going out for sushi.”
“I have to admit, it was kinda fun being in the middle of nowhere at first. But it’s getting old. How long to get to Vegas from here?”
I pull up my map app and punch it in the phone. “Says six hours with light traffic. If we leave early we’ll be there a little after noon, then we can go out and have some fun.”
She points to Kate. “I’m with her, sorry.”
“We can get a sitter at the hotel.”
“Hmmm, I’m not sure. How do we know they’re trustworthy?”
I flash her a sideways glance as I look out the window. “Let me take care of that. I’ll make sure. Won’t be too hard, and I don’t even need my own computer to dig for that shit.”
Her mouth makes a little O shape and she squints her eyes. “I forgot about that.”
“What?”
“Your comment about hacking into the DMV and the Vail people talking about your criminal past.”
“I told you, I have no criminal record.”
“Yeah, but criminal record and criminal past aren’t the same thing.”
Yeah, this girl—she misses nothing. “I was a troublemaker as a kid, I already told you.”
“And the DMV hacking? That was childhood pranks too?”
I chuckle a little. She’s not gonna let it go, so screw it. “I have some skills.”
“So that’s what you do huh? You’re some kind of computer expert?”
“No—I mean, yes. I do do that. But that’s not what I do. I’m a film producer.”
“What? No. You’re an inside trader, surely?” She smirks at me and I kick her under the table until she giggles.
“I just finished a reality show that starred Rook and my other best friend Spencer. He owns Shrike Bikes, ever heard of them?”
Her mouth gapes open. “Wait, your best friends are Ronin the model and Spencer fucking Shrike, the hot-ass biker whose show will be on TV next month? The one the Biker Channel’s been advertising non-stop since November?”
“What? He’s not hot. I’m hot. He’s lame. He paints Elvis costumes on naked girls. I make fil
ms. I produced that show. In fact, I’m in most of the episodes in Season One.”
She smiles coyly as she sighs. “I’m wet, Ford.”
I beam at her.
“I can’t believe you know Spencer Shrike. You should introduce me.”
“What?”
“Kidding, you jealous nerd. That’s pretty cool though. I pegged you as a banker when I saw you in that suit on New Year’s. But since then you’ve only wore jeans and t-shirts. And after you talked about skiing, I conjured up an image of you as some kind of X-Gamer. But now… I’m not sure anymore. Who are you, Ford Aston?”
The waitress comes with our food so I wait to answer her question until she’s gone and we’re both eating. “Maybe I’m both of those guys. I do normally wear suits. I like to look professional. People treat you differently when you wear a suit. When I wear casual clothes the weirdness seems to stick out. Or maybe people just make quick judgments instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt because I appear wealthy.”
“That’s very rational, Ford. But if I were you, I’d wear the shit that makes your package look big.” She takes a big bite of burger to hide her smile.
“I hope you realize I’m gonna get even with you for all this dirty talk.”
“Oh, I’m counting on it,” she says with her mouth full. “I’ll agree to a background-checked babysitter in Vegas if you stop by the drug store and buy some condoms. How’s that?” She flashes me an exaggerated wink.
“Wink all you want, Miss—wait, what’s your last name?”
“Li,” she says with her mouth full again.
“Li? Your name is Ashleigh Li?” I laugh a little at her expense. Serves her right. “Whose bright idea was that?”
“I know, tell me about it. My name was originally Ash Li in Hong Kong, it was like a cute play on the spelling—of course, it’s not Chinese at all and now that I think about it, it kinda made me sound like a porn star. Plus everyone still knew I was American, so stupid, right? And then when we moved back to the US my parents changed it so it was less Chinese, and maybe less porn star. And now I’m Ashleigh Li.” She rolls her eyes and bites into a French fry. “I can’t wait to get married.”
We sit and eat in silence for a while, maybe both of us thinking about how nice Ashleigh would sound in front of Aston.
“So anyway, back to the condoms.”
Or maybe that’s not what we were thinking after all. I grin at her. “I’m still in control and as long as you keep asking for it, I’ll never give in. So keep it to yourself and let me handle things.”
“But you’re slow.”
“You owe me so big for all this unladylike behavior, your ass cheeks will be bright red when I’m done. Don’t think I’m not adding it all up. I have a photographic memory.”
“Wait. We never had an agreement about unladylike behavior. I have no spankings coming.”
I laugh. “Miss Li, you have no idea what you’ve been begging for. And if you want it, then you owe me an entire night of submission.” She bites her lip and tries not to smile. “You’re smiling now, but just wait.”
She just takes another bite of her food and then leans in to coo at Kate when she starts to fuss in her seat.
“When do they crawl?” I ask.
She leans down and kisses Kate on the nose and gets a smile and some feet kicking for her effort. “Crawl?” She looks up and thinks. “Six months maybe. Why?”
I lean back in the booth and stretch my arms out as I study them together. Ashleigh might be a mess. And this road trip of hers was probably a monumentally bad idea. But she’s not neglectful of her daughter. “I guess I never thought about how needy babies are.”
She shoots me a dirty look.
“Not in a bad way, just a literal way.”
Ash puts her hand gently over Kate’s head. “They are the most helpless creatures on the whole planet when they’re born.” And then Ash looks up at me and smiles. “She changed my whole life. You might not realize this, but I was a little bit on the wild side a year and a half ago.” She gently tickles Kate’s little chin and gets some arm-flailing this time.
“Yeah, I can see it.”
Ashleigh straightens up and grabs some fries. I’m not sure if she wants to be wild or calm, so I prod. “But you can be calm when you want to.”
“Which do you like better?” She watches me, studies me almost. Her eyes go to my hand draped casually across the top of the booth, then traverse my arm, my chest. Finally her heated gaze stops on my face. Like she’s seeing me in a different light right this very moment.
“Calm,” I say softly.
“I like you wild.”
I laugh. “You are a silly shit.”
“No, really though,” she says. “I like you when you’ve got the walls down. When you’re just you.”
“When have you seen me without walls?”
“When you told me about your dad.”
“I told you the story, but not how it felt. So I still had all the walls up.”
Her smile falters and her eyes get a little sad. “I don’t need to be told how that feels. Your walls are transparent, so even if you still have them up, I can see through them. And a glimpse is all I need. I know that feeling.”
“You done eating?”
“Yes, but that’s a deflection. I don’t mind, don’t get me wrong. You can deflect all you want because deflection is my friend these days as well. And to pay you back for telling me that story when I was outside losing my shit, I’ll be calm tonight just for you.” And then she smiles. It’s not big, but it’s genuine. It‘s warm and it says a lot of things. It says I trust you tonight. I might not trust you tomorrow, but tonight I’ll be good because you want me to.
“Then I win.”
She smiles bigger this time and looks down at Kate. “You do win, because you’ve got both of us.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
I play her words back in my mind as we drive down the road to the hotel. I have them both.
I do. For now. I have their complete undivided attention. But as soon as we get to LA, she’s going back to her ex. I can feel it. She loves him. She wants her baby’s father to be a part of her life. She wants it so bad she falls apart just thinking about raising this child alone.
And I don’t think she’s afraid of that. I’m getting the impression Ashleigh comes from money. Maybe some serious money. Your father doesn’t do business in Hong Kong for a dozen years without having a significant position. And she said straight out he gave her sister a job in his company.
No. Ashleigh isn’t worried about money. She’s not stressing out about babysitters and health care. She’s lonely. She wants a partner. She wants to share the joys of parenting with someone who loves that baby just as much as her. And I’m not sure what’s going on with the ex. Maybe he’s an asshole. Maybe he cheated. Maybe he did all sorts of stuff. But if he takes her back—there’s just no way I can compete with that.
Why the fuck am I thinking about this? I’m not even interested in being with her like that. I want to fuck her, under certain conditions. But she’s very vulnerable and she might jump to conclusions. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, let alone a partner. No. The only girl I’ve ever wanted that with is Rook.
We don’t talk on the way up to the room. The baby babbles a little and Ashleigh whispers to her about things. Lights, potted plants in the corners, the music in the lobby. The slamming of a door and the ding of the elevator. She explains each stimulus with soft words and a smile.
I turn on the bedside lamps instead of the overhead light and then Ash takes off Kate’s snow gear and settles herself in the chair again. Gone is the teasing about sex. Now she’s exactly like she promised me she would be. Calm.
“Thanks for packing me some stuff,” I say as I grab my toothbrush. “I’m gonna jump in the shower.”
“I’m gonna fall asleep,” she says without opening her eyes.
I watch her for a second. Her body is totally relaxed and I envy h
er a little because I don’t think I’ve ever been that comfortable in a strange place. Hell, maybe not even in my own home. But she’s here, in a hotel, in Middle of Nowhere, Utah… and it’s like home to her. It’s almost like everywhere is home for her, because home is Kate.
I take my shower and then put on the cut-off sweats Ashleigh must’ve found in my dresser. I wonder what the hell else she found. I have no idea what’s in that room anymore. I haven’t thought about it in years.
I go back out and the lights are all off. The bathroom light lingers outside the doorway a few feet and I can make out Ashleigh’s body under the covers. The baby is breathing loud and even, sleeping. I turn out the light and climb in next to them. I’ve slept with women, of course. But never slept with them. Like sleeping. That’s not something I like to do. In fact, I’m not so sure about this right now, and my rash decision during check-in might be a mistake. But there’s nowhere else to sleep other than that miniature love seat or the floor. And I’d be a fucking idiot to give up these two for those options.
I lie there, flat on my back, my hands behind my head, looking up at the ceiling.
“Ford?”
“Yes.”
“Want to play a game?”
“What kind of game?”
“A silly junior high one.” She sits up a little and takes her shirt off, then throws it across the room and lies down facing away from me. “You trace a word on my back and I try to guess what it is. If I guess, I get to trace one on yours.”
She stops to see if I’ll protest, but I don’t. My heart beats a little faster at the thought of her behind me, touching my back. “What do I get if you don’t guess?”
“Anything you want that doesn’t involve me getting up from this bed.” She laughs a little. “Because I’m too damn tired to bend over and put my ass in the air right now.”
“What if I don’t guess, then you get to ask me for something?”
“Yes, but I promise not to ask for anything that makes you uncomfortable. How’s that?”