by Huss, JA
She cries. She sobs. She loses it, just completely fucking loses it. And I let her.
What the fuck must that feel like?
I can’t even imagine. With all those hormones still in her system. All alone in a foreign country.
“I tried to come sooner,” Ash says, a little bit calmer now. “But I never got the paperwork done for the birth certificate and passport. I couldn’t even come home to see you. I had to call my sister and beg her to help me. Get Kate a passport. And I missed—”
She sobs again.
“I missed the funeral because no one knew where I was. And I called your parents and they—”
“They what? They what, Ashleigh?” This I need to know, because just what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with these people?
“They refused to talk to me. They sent me a letter with twenty thousand dollars and said that’s all I was getting.” She huffs out a laugh and yells, “I’m Damian Li’s fucking daughter!” She lets out a sob and finishes less angry and more broken. “And they tried to buy me off with twenty thousand dollars.” She takes a minute to inhale a few hitched breathes, then calms herself back down. “And I had to cash it, Tony, I’m so, so sorry for cashing that check. But I needed to see you. I just wanted to say goodbye, that’s all.”
She takes one long deep breath and whispers, “I needed to come talk to you. I’m sorry I took that money.”
We lie there in the rain. Silent for several minutes. I know we should get up and go check on Kate, but I can’t. I refuse to deny Ash this last moment. She needs to come to terms with reality in her own time, in her own way. I refuse to rush her.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Ashleigh.” The words come out automatically, before I realize she’s not talking to me, she’s talking to Tony.
I’ve never said those words out loud to anyone. Ever. In my entire life. Not even my parents.
“I miss you so much.”
“I’m right here, Ashleigh.”
She breathes erratically for a moment and then settles down again. “I know, Ford. I know it’s you. I’m not crazy.”
I drag the hair away from her face and tuck the wet strands behind her ear. The rain is letting up now. We’ve managed to spend the entire storm lying on the grass in a cemetery. “Would you like to come home with me?”
She nods and holds in a sob. “Yes, please.”
“Do you have anything else to say? Before we go?”
She lifts her head up from my chest. Her sobs are soft now. Just remnants. She leans in and kisses me. First on one cheek, then on the other. And then she stops and cups her hands around my face. “Just… thank you. For believing in me and bringing me here, and helping me say goodbye.” She starts to cry again, her lower lip trembling so bad she has to bite it to try and maintain control. “I’m never gonna get over this pain, Ford. Ever. No one understands how special he was to me. No one understands that he was holding me together, all these years, since we were just kids. He always saw me, you know? He saw me when no one else did. And when I heard that message on the machine…”
She can’t finish.
And I’m not sure I want her to finish. I’m not sure I can handle the image of Ashleigh losing her mind, still hurting from childbirth, a new baby to take care of, and no friends or family there to help. It rips me apart to even start picturing this scene.
So I picture her happy instead. I stare at her swollen eyes and mud-stained face and picture her happy and fulfilled.
I sit up but I clutch her close to my chest, then stand and cradle her against me, like I’d carry Kate.
She hugs me tight and rests her head on my shoulder. She is so small. When I get to the Bronco I open the backseat and set her down on the bench. Kate has cried herself to sleep but her breathing is hitched from her hysterical wailing. Ashleigh rests her head against the baby and I buckle her in, then close the door and take a deep breath as I look around.
She was right. There is no way to fix this. That life she had is over and this is where it ends.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I take the streets to get home. The 405 is a fucking parking lot from the rain. I cut up to Sunset, then catch Beverly Glen up to Bel Air. It takes us almost an hour to get there, but when I pull up to the gate all I feel is relief. I am so glad to be home.
I punch in the gate code and we climb the long and winding driveway up to the house. I park in the driveway and sit still for a moment, then look over my shoulder. The girls are sleeping, but they are both wrecked.
I have no idea what to do.
Obviously I need to get them both inside, but then what? Ashleigh left almost everything at the hotel. We need stuff. I pull out my phone and text Pam: I need my spare room turned into a nursery. Like now.
She doesn’t text back, so I can only assume she’s on it.
I drag myself out of the Bronco and open the back door. Ash is slumped down on the seat, all curled up in a little ball like a kitten. I pick her up and carry her to the front door, key in the access code, and walk all the way to the back bedroom. “Ashleigh, wake up for me, please.”
“I’m awake, Ford. I just don’t want you to put me down.”
I take her into the bathroom and set her on the counter. “Sit here, OK?” I plug up the bath tub and start the water. “I’ll be right back, gotta get Kate.”
Ashleigh starts crying again, but I think it’s because she might’ve just realized she forgot all about Kate in her grief. I go back outside, grab the car seat and bring her to the bathroom.
Ash is still sitting on the counter, her head bowed in defeat, her long hair falling over her face, hiding her. I set Kate down and go back to Ashleigh. It’s not easy taking care of two people at the same time. “Lift your arms up Ash.”
She obeys, but her head stayed bowed.
I pull her shirt up and over, then toss it into the corner. “Stand up, please.” She scoots her butt off the counter and her feet drop to the floor. Her legs give out for a moment and I have to reach out and steady her. My hands drift down and unbutton her jeans. They are loose, so they come off easy. “Get in the tub for me.” I hold her arm as she steps in and then I help her keep her balance as she lowers herself into the water. I grab some shampoo and squeeze a shitload of it under the running water. The bubbles froth up and fill in the space around her body, cocooning her in fluff.
Kate is still asleep, so that’s how she will stay for now. There is no good reason to wake her up. So I pull off my shirt and drop my pants. I mess with the switches on the wall and the jets come on, swirling the bubbles up into a frenzy. I pull Ash forward and step into the tub behind her, then wrap my arms around her shoulders and pull her into my chest. “Relax now. We’re just gonna relax for now.”
She sighs. But it’s such a bad, no-good sigh. It’s not even an I give up sigh, it’s a please kill me now sigh. I gently drag my fingertips up and down her arms and then lean into her neck. “I’m so sorry, Ashleigh. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.” She turns a little so she can tuck her face onto my shoulder and her arms slip around my waist.
And we stop.
We just sit.
Pam comes. Or someone comes. I can hear them, trying to be quiet as they deliver things for Kate in the other room. It takes a while, and I have to add more hot water to the tub twice before the knock on the bedroom door startles Ashleigh from her sleep.
“You’re all set, sir,” Pam calls out in a whisper-yell.
I don’t answer, but she’s used to that and then everything goes silent.
“We’re gonna stand up now, Ashleigh. OK?”
Ash shakes her head no.
“Yes, we’re gonna grab Kate, take a real shower, and go to fucking bed. I do not care what time it is, this day is over.”
And that’s exactly what we do. Ash manages to pull herself together and get Kate out of her carrier, undress her, and then they meet me in the shower on the other side of the bathroom. I sit her down on the ben
ch and cranky Kate sucks at her mother’s breast greedily as I wash us with a soft sponge and luxurious soap that smells like a tropical island.
When we’re done I turn the water off and wrap Kate and Ashleigh in my dark blue robe. They swim inside of it and it wraps around them almost twice, but it keeps them warm. I wrap a towel around me and then lead Ash over to the spare room.
Pam is a miracle worker. It’s not the princess nursery Kate deserves, but it will do for tonight. There’s a portable crib with soft bedding in it, a changing table, diapers, clothes, all that other shit I’ve seen Ash use but don’t really know what it’s for.
“You need help?” I ask Ashleigh as she sprinkles some baby powder on Kate’s bottom and then fastens up her diaper. Kate is making little mad grabs at Ashleigh’s hanging hair, oblivious to the pain her mother is enduring.
“No, thank you,” Ash replies and then slips a pink t-shirt over Kate’s head and picks her up. “But I’m not sure about leaving her in here alone.”
I point to the baby monitor. “We can turn that on if you want. Or she can sleep with us.”
Ashleigh looks over at the baby monitor for several long seconds. “With us until she falls asleep, then I’ll bring her in here.”
I turn the light out after she exits and a little yellow moon flicks on near the crib. Pam thinks of everything.
Ashleigh takes off the robe and lies down in bed naked. She slips the baby up to her breast and nurses Kate again. I imagine it would be hard to give up the comfort she gets from having the baby with her at night. I bet she enjoys it just as much as Kate does. I get in beside her, lean over and click the bedside lamp off, then pull them close.
“I have no idea what I’m doing, Ford.”
“Me either, Ashleigh. I’m making it up as I go.”
“Should I go back to Japan?”
“Do you want to go back to Japan?”
“No.”
“Then don’t. Stay here. I’d like you guys to stay here.”
“My father will want to see me.”
“Do you want to see him?”
“No.”
“So don’t. Just stay with me. Let me take care of things. Let me take care of you two.”
She leans back into my chest, her back pressed against me. “OK.”
And that’s it. We lie there in the dark, listening to Kate gulp milk and the low hum of distant cars far down on the road below.
And we fall asleep as a family for the first time ever.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I wake up to no Ashleigh or Kate. My heart pounds in my chest with this realization until I hear the soft whispers coming from down the hall. I lie there listening to Ashleigh sing a little song to Kate and can’t help but wonder how long this can possibly last.
She is everything I wanted. They are both everything I’ve wanted.
A few minutes later Ashleigh tiptoes back into the room and slips into bed next to me.
I wrap my arm around her and pull her close. We’re both naked and her warm body feels so perfect next to mine. Her skin is soft and she smells good enough to eat.
“Sorry,” she says quietly. “I tried not to wake you when I got up.”
“It was your absence that woke me, not the noise you were making.”
She turns to face me, propped up on her forearms. “I’m so sorry you had to see me like that today, Ford. I’m—”
“Shh,” I say, putting my finger to her pouty lips. “You do not owe me an apology. I know, Ashleigh. I understand you. You love him, he was your whole life. And now he’s gone and you were absolutely right back in Utah. You got shit on. Bad. Life fucked you over and then kicked you when you were down. I’m surprised you’re still functioning.”
Her fingertips trace the muscles in my upper arms and it sends a chill through my whole body. “I know all that. I’m not sorry about that part. I’m sorry you had to listen to me carry on about him. It’s not fair to you. I like you, a lot. And when I said I loved you, Ford, I meant you. And I know you said it back as Tony, but I just wanted you to know—”
My thumb against her lips stops her words. The moon is shining through the curtainless windows and the silver light illuminates her face, like she’s a precious work of art on display in my bed. “I love you. I’m in, Ashleigh. I want you, I want Kate, I want this. I want to sleep with you every night and give you everything you want. I’m in.”
I position myself so my bare chest is over hers and then both hands cup her face as I lean in. “I’m in, Ashleigh.” And then I kiss her. I skim her lips with mine. And my heart almost stops at how soft they are. I nip her bottom lip and she sucks in a breath, then she wraps her hands around my head. I kiss her again, my tongue looking for hers, my eyes closing, trying to hold this feeling inside me for as long as possible. As the kiss lingers, breaks, and starts again, Ashleigh fists my hair, pulling it just enough to make me grow with desire. She inserts her thigh between my legs and eases it into my hard-on.
I pull back so I can look at her in the moonlight again. “You are beautiful. I could look at you all day long and never get tired of tracing the line of your lips with my eyes or imagining myself biting your earlobe.”
“You take all the bad away for me, Ford. When I’m with you, all that stuff disappears.”
My thumb traces small circles on her cheek and I watch her. I’m fulfilled just gazing at her but I want her to be fulfilled too, so I slip my hand down her belly and stop over her mound. My hand splays out, feeling every part of her folds, then one finger traces the slit of her pussy and pushes inside her. She moans and I lean down and bite her shoulder, hard enough to make her cry out, but still just a nibble.
Her hands reach for me and I bite her again. “Grab the headboard, Ashleigh, and do not let go until I tell you.” She obeys immediately and this makes me stretch to my full hardness. “You may moan, you may scream, you may whine, you may whimper, you may cry, you may laugh, you may show your emotions in any way you please. But the only words you are allowed to say are no and stop.”
She nods her head and this makes me smile. The old Ash would smart off with a yes, sir. But New Ashleigh wants to please me.
“If you say no or stop, that’s it, I stop. No questions asked.”
She nods and grips the headboard a little tighter.
I throw the covers off and get out of bed. I watch her carefully as I do this, looking for any hint that she wants to stop, but while her eyes are exhibiting curiosity, they are not showing any fear whatsoever. I walk to the closet and grab all of my neckties. She watches me very carefully as I tie several end to end, then repeat the process so I have two long silk tie strands. I have rope, but I don’t want to scratch Ashleigh’s perfect skin.
I walk back to the bed and sit down next to her, then grab one ankle, wrap the tie carefully, but tightly. And then push her knees up to her chest and wrap the tied ankle to her thigh.
She remains still, hands holding onto the headboard, but she’s paying close attention.
I repeat this entire process with her other ankle and then I sit back and enjoy her spread open for me. He eyes wander down to my cock and I feel it jump with excitement. My hands caress her calves and then travel up and grab her on each side by the waist and pull her whole body down a little so her arms are straining to hold onto the headboard. “Is this what you wanted last night?”
She nods. And then she smiles.
“I have a confession to make. Would you like to hear it?”
She nods again.
“I actually do take requests on very special occasions. And tonight is a very special occasion. Do you want to know why it’s so special?”
She nods.
I lean down and kiss her pussy, then lick her slit and suck her clit, making her moan. I do it again and this time she squirms. I ease two fingers inside her and stroke her gently back and forth, then I turn my fingers around and beckon to her sweet spot.
This time she tries to hold the moans in, which onl
y makes them more pronounced when they finally escape.
I love this.
I bury my face between her thighs, grabbing her clit between my teeth for a brief moment, but long enough to make her gasp loudly. I suck on it and then shift my attention to lapping against the forward wall of her sex with my tongue, before pulling back.
“It’s special, Ashleigh, because you are the first woman I will make love to.” I ease myself between her open legs, drag my cock across her exposed clit, letting it pause at her opening. I push it in slightly, then withdraw and start again. Her moaning gets louder with each pass but I withhold what she wants. “Do not come yet, Ash.” Her expression is almost painful and I have to stifle a laugh. “Do your best, kitten.”
Her pussy releases some of her juices when I use the nickname and this does so many things to me inside, I almost have no words. I drag the head of my cock over her clit again and she arches her back. I do it harder and faster, harder and faster. “Do you like it, kitten?” Hot liquid squirts out and floods my cock head with warmth.
“Oh, you are one sexy little surprise, Miss Li.”
She blushes and laughs a little.
“Let’s do that again.” I whip her pussy with my dick, back and forth, several times, and with each pass she squirts a little more, her back buckles, her thighs begin to twitch from the restraints, and then one final pass is all she can take.