by Huss, JA
“Then what do you want from me?”
“Wrong question, Ashleigh. The real question is what do you want from me.” She wriggles, trying to turn and see my face. I box her in again and put my arms around her shoulders, but she continues to struggle until Kate begins to get upset. I let Ash go and shake my head. “What are you doing?”
She shushes Kate as she leans in to kiss her cheek, and then turns her whole body so she can watch me properly when she speaks. “I want love.” She stares at me, her dark brown eyes a little bit watery.
I’m probably a total dick for having this conversation after all the shit she’s been through, but I can’t stop myself. I’m a greedy bastard and I need to nail this down or let it go, and I need to do that right the fuck now.
“I want to be loved,” she whispers. “I want to be kissed and I don’t want to have to play a game to get one. I want you to show me—tell me—everyday that you love me. Because I had love. And maybe you don’t approve of the relationship I had with Tony, but your opinion hardly matters. It doesn’t count. It was enough for me to know he was mine. That when he came home, I was the only thing he thought about. He wrote me love letters and poems. And before you fucking shake your head or roll your eyes, Ford, he was a Navy SEAL, he grew up in the mafia, he was as manly as they fucking come.”
“You want me to write you poems?”
“No, I want you to give up a little piece of yourself to make me happy. Just like you’re asking me to give up a little bit of myself to make you happy. It’s a give and take, Ford. You might be someone’s master, but not mine. I like you. You’re almost perfect.”
“But…”
“But… I want to know what your level of commitment is. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I have no use for a boyfriend right now. And I’m not looking for a master, either. I can make my own decisions. I might make mistakes but I’m smart, I learn from them. It’s just that emotions sometimes overwhelm my brain and I do irrational things. Like this trip. But…” She swallows. “This trip is a new way forward for me. One way or another. So it’s not a completely crazy waste. I’m in a new place, I’m a mother, I’m flailing, Ford. I’m standing at some fucking crossroad looking at all these choices, and I have no way to know which one is the best route. They all have risks, but some risks are higher than others.” She looks away for a second, then gives me a sideways glance. “You’re a big risk in my mind. I can’t commit to you without something… something big. Like a grand gesture, Ford. I need a grand gesture.”
“So leaving you alone in a foreign country to have a baby, that’s the grand gesture you’re looking for?”
She hardens at my sarcasm and I’m instantly sorry, but it’s too late—the words hang in the air between us, creating a gulf.
“What part didn’t you hear? He showed up at my games and competitions for an entire year and got absolutely nothing back in return. Not a kiss, not a conversation, nothing. He was patient and concerned and so… so… open. He didn’t care that his whole school heard him encourage me at the basketball games. Or that his friends laughed at him standing there in the rain at the finish line of a cross-country race. He did it anyway. He did it because he only saw me, Ford. He took me to two dances a year because that was as many as we could get away with. He showed me I mattered before he asked me to give up a little bit of myself to make him happy. I gave up my fear of him dying as a soldier so he could pursue his dream. And maybe these things aren’t as fancy as what you have in mind, but I don’t care what you think about it. He made me feel special—we made each other feel special.”
“You want the fairy tale, then?” I shake my head.
“I want to be won, Ford. If you can win me, you can have me. I’ll be yours and you’ll have earned it.”
I stare at her and say nothing.
The grand gesture. Ashleigh wants a Jedi and all I’m capable of giving her is the Sith.
She reads my introspective silence as her answer and gets up and takes Kate back into the bedroom.
Chapter Forty
When I go inside she’s dressed and sitting on the couch with Kate watching something on TV.
“Ashleigh, look, I’m not—”
My phone buzzes in my pants and I take it out and look at the name. Jason.
“Who is it? A pet who needs to be fed and walked?”
I silence the phone and stick it back in my pocket. “Cute.” I sit down next to her. Fuck. I am so bad at this shit. What the hell do I say? I feel like I’m losing her, right now, this very moment. I feel like she’s slipping away and I have no idea what to say.
“Just tell me what you’re thinking. Start there, Ford.”
She’s a mind-reader. She’s a fucking psychologist for fuck’s sake.
“If you can’t do that, then I’m just wasting my time.”
“What the fuck do you want from me? I said I wanted you. How is that not telling you how I feel? I fucking want you to live here, move in. Be with me. Let me help with Kate.”
“In what capacity, Ford? What is Kate to you but some pet’s offspring?”
“That’s enough,” I glare at her. “Don’t talk shit to me because you’re insecure.”
“You’re the one who’s insecure. You want control to suppress your social inadequacy.”
“Fucking don’t do that either. If I wanted a psych evaluation I’d go see a therapist.”
“So I’m supposed to pretend that I didn’t just go to school for six years to get a degree in psychology? Just pretend that I don’t see all the issues you have?”
“Issues I have? Ashleigh, please. If I’m fucked up, then you’re right there with me. We’re both—”
The gate alert buzzes and cuts off my words. “Fucking people are here from the hotel to drop off our shit, I bet.” I get up and go over to the security panel near the door and press the button that opens the front gate. I peek out the window but the driveway is long and we’re at the top of a hill, so I can’t see the gate from the house. “You and I are the same, Miss Li. We both have issues. So don’t push me away with that excuse.”
Ash says nothing and I peek out the window again as a large black Mercedes pulls up. “Who the fuck is that? I’m pretty sure hotel couriers don’t drive an eighty-thousand-dollar Mercedes.”
“What?” Ashleigh jumps up and hurries over to the window just as a tall man in a black suit gets out of the back of the car. He’s older, maybe early fifties, has jet-black hair, and as soon as he turns around I know who he is by the color of his eyes.
“My father is here.” A blonde woman gets out after him. “And my fucking sister. Oh, God. Ford, listen to me.” Ash pulls on my arm. “Listen to me, OK? Do not open the door, do not open the door!”
“Why are they just standing there?” I ask as we peek out at them.
And then a cop car comes up the driveway.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“OK, look, I left some things out of my story… Ford!” She grabs my arm again but I’m watching these fucking people talk to the cops, probably about me, in my fucking driveway. The cop nods and then puts his hand on his Taser. Ashleigh is still talking but I don’t hear anything she says because the fucking cops are walking up to my door with Ashleigh’s father and sister looking like they’re in the mood to take my shit out.
The doorbell chimes. They’re looking right at us through the window, even as Ash continues to freak out and tell me all kinds of shit that just never even registers in my brain.
Fuck.
What if they have dirt on me? What if this father of hers found out who I am and has fucking dirt on me? Ronin, I need Ronin. I pull out my phone to call him when the doorbell rings again. Kate begins to cry because Ashleigh is so upset and before I can press Ronin’s face to place the call another call comes in.
Fucking Jason, again.
“Mr. Aston,” the cop says, his muffled voice coming through the closed window. We’re only like three feet away from him. “Mr. Aston, Mr.
Li here just needs to have a few words with his daughter. Can we come in?”
And then an ambulance rolls in behind the cops. What the fuck is going on?
“Ford! Are you listening to me?” Ashleigh practically screams it and poor Kate begins to wail.
“What?” I’m still not listening because two paramedics get out of the ambulance and another guy with a suit. I finally turn to Ash. “Tell me what the fuck is happening.”
But before Ashleigh can answer, Mr. Li is standing in front of the window. “She’s very sick, Mr. Aston. I know you’ve taken good care of her, but you need to know she is very sick.”
I swear, I almost fall over. “Sick how?”
“Don’t listen, Ford!” Ashleigh is pleading. “Please, don’t listen. I’m sorry for what happened, I was not thinking clearly, but please, don’t listen!”
Mr. Li takes out a folded piece of pink paper and Ash loses it. She starts crying and pleading with me. Her father holds it out in front of the window and I can’t help myself. I open the window, push the screen aside, and take it. Ashleigh goes wild, jumping with the baby trying to get it from me.
“Ashleigh,” I say sternly. “Stop it. Right now.”
“I don’t want you to see that, I don’t want you to read that!” She’s hysterical.
“OK.”
She stops, like literally holds her breath for a few seconds. “OK?”
I nod. Mr. Li is talking to me, but I reach over and close the window back up. “But you need to tell me what’s going on. What’s in here.” I hold up the paper and she snatches it away. “Tell me what it says and tell me why all these people are here. Why is your father saying you’re sick? Do you have a medical condition?”
“Tell them to leave first. Tell them to leave!”
“I’ll tell you what she wrote in the note, Mr. Aston,” Li says. When I look back he’s opened the window so his voice is loud and clear.
Ashleigh crumples and I reach down and grab Kate before she hits her head on the white tiles.
I look back to Li. “You need to leave. Whatever it is you have to say, I’ll hear it from her first, and I’ll hear it when she’s ready. Not like this.”
“We need to take the baby, Mr. Aston. Ashleigh,” her sister says in a soothing voice from outside. “Ashleigh, honey. We’re concerned about the baby. If you don’t let us take her, we’re going to do what we talked about last time. Do you understand, Ashleigh?”
Kate grabs at my face, still upset and crying. “You can’t take the kid,” I say, shaking my head.
“Mr. Aston,” the cop chimes in. “Miss Li has written at least two suicide notes in the past three weeks. She’s highly unstable and the family”—he stresses this word, like he’s reminding me that I’m not family—“will back off and not pursue an involuntary psychiatric detention if Ashleigh allows herself to be evaluated and hands the child over to be cared for by her sister.”
Oh. Fuck.
“I have authority to hold her, Mr. Aston. Pursuant to California Welfare and Institutions Code, Section 5150, she might need a mandatory seventy-two-hour detention for evaluation and treatment in a psychiatric facility. Now, the family is willing to forgo that extreme measure if Ashleigh agrees to come home and bring the baby with her so the family doctor can monitor her.”
“We only want to keep her safe, Mr. Aston,” her father says. “Please open the door and allow the officers in. We do not want to commit her.”
I just stare at him.
“Ashleigh,” he says calmly. “Open the door and come home, or we will be forced to send you away for an evaluation. It’s for your own good, we only want to keep you safe. You’re been running wild for years and now there’s another life involved. A baby who is my own blood. And I will not stand by and let you endanger her.” He looks up to me. “No offense, Mr. Aston. I realize you’ve taken very good care of them, I’m grateful. But this is over now. She’s coming home, whether or not we have to—”
The door opens and Ashleigh walks out. “I’ll go, just please don’t take me away from Kate. She’s all I have left, please don’t take me away from Kate. I’ll go.”
The sister comes in and pries a red-faced Kate from my arms and she starts to wail.
Oh God. This shit is really happening.
I stand there in a state of shock and watch her being loaded into the black car. And then two minutes later the driveway is empty.
My house is empty.
And they are gone.
Chapter Forty-One
I stand there looking out at the driveway, waiting for the world to rewind and bring them back. But that doesn’t happen. What does happen is a van drives up, knocks on the door, then drops off a box that says Four Seasons Las Vegas.
Our stuff. But there’s no our anymore.
Holy fucking shit. What just happened? Did I freeze? I didn’t say anything. I was stunned silent. What could I say? They wanted to incarcerate her in a psychiatric facility. I spy the folded pink note on the floor, forgotten in the midst of chaos. I walk over and pick it up and then grab the box from the front door. I take them both back to the couch and sit down to try and calm my racing heart.
I don’t want to read this note, I really don’t. It feels so invasive, like I’m betraying her if I read it. But I have to. I need more information. I unfold it slowly, and then take in the sight of her handwriting. It’s a beautiful cursive with lots of flowing lines and loops.
The angel of ADD
Kills the baby inside of me
The angel of ADD
Blames the baby inside of me
I sail, I sail, I sail into the dark
You’re not listening
And that kills me
You’re not listening
My mind is sailing inside of me
I sail, I sail, I sail into the dark
The angel of death breeds
A sickness inside of me
The angel of death breeds
Killing the baby inside of me
I sail, I sail, I sail into the dark
It’s a poem. A dark one, for sure. But it’s a fucking poem. It’s not a suicide note. And she says that she takes words from songs she likes and creates new poems out of the same words. I go in the office and start up the computer. It’s not anything special, just your run-of-the-mill home setup. But it’s got internet and that’s all I need. I put the first line in the search bar and press enter.
Nothing. I add the refrain, since it’s repeated three times and it makes the poem look more like lyrics.
Bingo. A song called Sail by AWOLNATION.
It’s not even a dark song, it’s kinda techno and catchy. The video is actually quite stupid. Some shit about aliens. But Ashleigh’s arrangement of the words is disturbing when taken out of the context of where they came from. I can see why her family was upset.
I grab the box and open it up, looking for the journal she said she left behind when we left. It’s under a bunch of clothes, smells a little bit like dirty socks, and is bulging at the seams. Three thick rubber bands hold it together and prevent all the loose papers from escaping. I remove the rubber bands and it spills open as soon as the tension is released. Two passports fall out. I open the first one. Katelynn Li. She’s got just one stamp. USA. She entered the country on Christmas Eve. It’s even got a little baby picture of her.
I smile. God, I miss her already.
I put that aside and open Ashleigh’s. Her book is almost full, only a few pages left. She’s been everywhere. Most of them say USA and Japan, but she’s got a lot of Hong Kong and she looks totally different. The date of issue says 2006 and she’s got a punk haircut. Those bangs that drive her crazy now are short and dyed a hot pink. She’s got some black eye makeup on, and from the look of her pupils, she might be high. She’s wearing something revealing on top, I can’t see much of her clothes, but that’s because the shirt is cut very low. Sixteen-year-old Wild Ash is sexy as all fucking hell, but I’d spank her ass hard if she went o
ut in public like this in front of me.
There are pictures too. All of Tony and Ashleigh. He’s a big guy and in every one he’s looking down at her tiny body like he won the Powerball.
He loved her. I have to concede that, he must’ve loved her. She’s right. She had love, she knows what it feels like and there’s no fucking way she’d settle for my pathetic bullshit as a second-hand substitute.
My phone buzzes and I quickly take it out and check the call hoping it’s Ash.
Jason. Fucking pest.
“Yeah,” I answer.
“Ford! Fuck, dude! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day! Some people were here looking for you and that girl you left with. I didn’t know it was a big deal, I swear. I told them you had a place in LA, man. I’m fucking sorry. Did they come to your house?”
I sigh loudly. “Yes, they did.”
He babbles on and on for a few minutes, explaining how he entered the VIN number into his computer and it downloaded as a Carfax database report.
Bam. Her father was on that shit quick.
I hang up with Jason after promising I’d come back and see them when things settled down.
Right.
My phone buzzes again. Pam. “Yes?”
“They’ll start looking elsewhere if you don’t show up today, Mr. Aston. Breach of contract.”
I almost snort thinking of me threatening Rook with the same thing last year when we did the STURGIS contract. She’d get a kick out of this, I’m sure. “Thanks, Pam. I’ll be in after lunch today.”
I go back to the journal and open it to the first page. It’s called My Worry Book.
I read that journal from front to back. It’s a series of letters to Tony and God, alternating, one after the other most of the time. The letters to Tony tell him how scared she is that he’ll die on duty. Things she’d never tell him to his face because this was his dream and she wanted to support him.