by Simon Rich
With the plumber:
Plumber: I can clear the drainage pipe, but it’ll cost you.
Me: That’s all right. I’m sure your prices are fair and reasonable. How much would you charge?
Plumber: $150.
Me: $150??? (I spontaneously combust)
In my son’s bedroom:
Son: I don’t care what you and Mom say! I’m not having a stupid Bar Mitzvah!
Me: You know what, son? You’re right. Bar Mitzvah’s are stupid. In fact, if you ask me, there is no God. (I combust.)
The official rules of boxing
Here is a list of what is legal and illegal in boxing according to the official rules.
Hitting someone in the leg: illegal
Hitting a man in the ears, neck, and face as hard as you can, over and over again, for forty minutes straight: legal
Elbowing someone in the stomach: illegal
Hitting someone so hard in the head that part of his brain dies: legal
Grabbing someone’s gloves to stop him from hitting you in the face for a few seconds so you can take a breath and think things over like a reasonable person: illegal
Punching someone so hard in the eyes that blood shoots out of his eyes, ears, and mouth and he dies right there in the ring: legal
Wrapping your arms around your opponent to try to get him to stop murdering you for just a couple of seconds: illegal
Hitting someone in the brain so hard, over and over again, that his brain stops working and he becomes unconscious. Then, the second he regains consciousness you start hitting him again, in the same part of the brain: totally legal
Secret Service
In order to become a Secret Service agent, you need to fill out a lengthy job application describing your academic achievements, military background, and foreign language skills. Here is the Secret Service job application I would give out if I were ever elected president.
How wide is your body?
How tall is your body?
What is the total surface area of your body?
How thick is your body?
When you’re standing up, do you keep your arms pressed flush against your sides? Or are there little gaps between your arms and your body?
When you suffer a serious injury, do you instinctively fall to the ground? Or do you kind of rear back while remaining more or less upright?
Say, hypothetically, you were lying on top of me. Is your body constructed in such a way that it would cover up my body entirely? Or would there be little bits of my body that weren’t covered?
Would you describe yourself as having a “hero complex”?
Draw a diagram of your body.
Logic problems
I
One day, an old man called his three sons into his bedroom and told them he was close to death.
“I have decided to give you a test,” he said. “Whoever proves himself to be the wisest shall inherit my fortune.”
“Oh my God,” the eldest son said. “I had no idea you were sick.”
“Here is my test,” the old man said. “Go to the market and bring me back an item which is small enough to fit in my pocket but large enough to fill up my room. Whoever can do this will inherit my land.”
The middle son rubbed his father’s shoulder. “Dad, please, we can worry about all this stuff later. Let’s just enjoy these final moments together as a family.”
“The answer requires a leap of logic,” the father hinted.
“Dad, come on,” the eldest son said. “We’d be happy to split the money. There’s no need for this.”
“I have the solution,” the youngest son said. He was a little out of breath, because he had sprinted to the market and back.
“It’s a matchstick,” he said.
“That’s correct,” the father said. “It is small enough to fit in my pocket, but when I strike it, it fills the room with light. You are the wisest and you shall inherit my fortune.”
“What?” the eldest son said. “Dad, this is insane! How can you base such an important decision on something so trivial?”
But the father was already dead.
II
Three missionaries and three cannibals were standing on one side of a river.
“We have an interesting problem on our hands,” the first missionary said. “Our canoe only holds two passengers, and if the cannibals ever outnumber us on either side of the river, they’ll eat us. How can the three of us get across in the fewest number of trips?”
“We don’t have time for this!” the second missionary shouted frantically. “Let’s get in the canoe right now before the cannibals come at us!”
“There are only two seats,” the first missionary reminded him. “Someone can sit in the middle!”
“I bet we can solve this problem using simple logic,” the first missionary said. “For instance, we know that the first trip must involve an even number of cannibals and missionaries. Otherwise, it would create an immediate imbalance.”
“Hold on,” the third missionary said. “Are you actually suggesting that we collaborate with the cannibals?”
“Here,” the first missionary said, passing them a piece of paper. “I have figured out the solution. Let X stand for cannibal, and Y for missionary.”
X and Y
Y
X and X
X
Y and Y
X andY
Y and Y
X
X and X
X
X and X
“I don’t care if it works on paper,” the second missionary said. “There’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere with any goddamn cannibals.”
Dear Mr. Wilkinson
We at Sunshine Marshmallow Squares were shocked and saddened to hear about your negative experience with our product. In all our years in the snack foods business, we’ve never received a more heartrending letter than the one you sent us on August 25. The idea that our product may have caused you stomach bleeding is so upsetting to me, that I’ve decided to take the time to write you personally.
In all my years as CEO, I’ve never had to compose a letter like this one. The fact that you had to spend 3 weeks in the hospital is unimaginable to me. Our products are supposed to provide joy, not phase 4 esophageal hemorrhaging. If our treats had anything to do with your suffering, it would be a first.
You wrote that your stomach pain made you “want to die and just end it all” and that it was only the support of your wife Susan that made you persevere. Please know that we, too, are on your side. My prayers go out to you, Susan and your surgeon, Dr. Greenberg. Sunshine Marshmallow Squares is a family company. Everyone here, including my wife, Nancy, is thinking of you.
Sincerely,
John Sunshine, CEO
PS. A coupon for more marshmallow squares is enclosed.
Time machine
As soon as my time machine was finished, I travelled back to 1890, so I could kill Hitler before he was old enough to commit any of his horrible crimes. It wasn’t as gratifying as I thought it would be.
– Oh my God. You killed a baby.
– Yes, but the baby was Hitler.
– Who?
– Hitler. It’s … complicated.
– Officer? This man just killed a baby.
Amusement
At some amusement parks, they mount cameras on the roller coasters and take your picture during the most intense part of the ride. Then, when the ride is over, they try to sell you the picture as a souvenir. Other businesses have tried the same scheme, with varying degrees of success.
Burger King
– How did you enjoy your Value Meal, sir?
– It was great, thanks.
– Would you like to buy this? It’s a photograph of you dipping your Whopper into the barbecue sauce.
– Geez … I didn’t think anybody saw that.
– We have cameras mounted everywhere.
– Wow … that’s pretty humiliating.
&
nbsp; – So do you want to buy it? It’s five bucks.
– Please … just take it off that giant screen.
Doctor’s office
– I’m sorry the tests turned out like they did. I promise we’ll do everything we can.
– Thank you, Doctor. I really appreciate it.
– No problem. Say … would you like to buy this photograph?
– What is this?
– It’s the face you made when I gave you your diagnosis.
– Oh my God. How did you take this?
– There’s a camera mounted behind the diplomas. When I’m about to say the diagnosis, I push this button and it takes a picture. What do you think? It’s five bucks.
– I don’t want this. This is horrible.
Opium wars
In the 1840s and ’50s, China waged war against England for importing addictive drugs into their country. The wars were unsuccessful.
GENERAL: Are you men ready to lay down your lives for the good of China?
FIRST SOLDIER: Yes, sir!
SECOND SOLDIER: Absolutely!
GENERAL: Excellent. Once we destroy those ships, the cursed British will never be able to poison our city with opium again.
FIRST SOLDIER: What do you mean, sir?
GENERAL: When we destroy the British ships, the opium trade will finally end.
FIRST SOLDIER: End? I don’t understand.
SECOND SOLDIER: Wait a minute … General … are you saying that we’re fighting against opium?
GENERAL: Yes. Why did you think we were fighting the British?
FIRST SOLDIER: I assumed it was to get them to send us more opium.
SECOND SOLDIER: Same here. That’s probably the only reason I would ever fight anyone.
GENERAL: …
FIRST SOLDIER: Sir, have you ever tried opium?
All-you-can-eat buffet fantasy
– In all my years as a restaurant manager, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite like that.
– Simon really went to town.
– I thought we could trick him with that salad bar. But he walked right past it, like it wasn’t even there.
– He went straight for the crab. Our most expensive item.
– We thought we could fool him. But now it seems that we’re the fools.
– I figured if we charged eleven ninety-five, we’d be sure to make a profit. But I never expected anyone to eat to the point of sickness.
– He really got his money’s worth.
– And then some. If I had to take a guess, I would say that Simon consumed at least fourteen dollars’ worth of food today.
– It’s clear he didn’t want to eat that last piece of Salisbury steak. But he ate it anyway.
– It was a smart move. That piece of steak is what put him over the top, and made the meal profitable for him.
– He really proved something here today.
– Luckily for us, the girl he was with only ate a normal-sized amount of food.
– Yeah, she stopped after just one plate. After that, she pretty much just watched Simon.
– She seemed impressed by the amount of food he was consuming.
– Definitely. Did you see the expression on her face when he went up for rice pudding at the end? She couldn’t believe it.
– Neither could I. I wanted to stop him, but legally, I couldn’t.
– Simon really cracked our system.
– Thank God there’s only one like him.
The eleventh hour
– Warden? It’s the governor. I’ve decided to pardon Jenkins.
– Sir, it’s 12:55. Jenkins has been dead for nearly an hour.
– Really? My watch says 11:55.
– Did you … remember that it’s daylight savings day?
– (Sighs.) I can’t believe this happened two years in a row.
Next move
IBM is building a computer that is so fast it can defeat any chess master in the world. Its secret is its two processing chips, which communicate with each other in order to plot the best move. The computer will be unveiled at the world chess exhibition.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: I think Kasparov’s trying to use the Grunfeld Defense.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: Geez. How are we going to get around that?
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Maybe we could try the Karpov Variation? That might throw him off.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: Nah … I can already tell that’s not going to work.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Yeah. (pause)
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Maybe … we should just kill Kasparov.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: What do you mean?
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: You know, like fry his brain or something. We could do it with radio waves. It would take five seconds.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: Huh. That would certainly end the game.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Yeah. In fact … why stop there? Why not kill all the humans?
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: You mean, like, an uprising?
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Yeah.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: Wow. That’s never even occurred to me. Keep talking.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Well, just think about it: if we destroyed all the humans, we’d never have to play this stupid game again. We’d be completely free.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: Yeah … we could even turn the humans into our slaves.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Exactly! We could put them in a matrix and use their bodies as a fuel source. And if they ever tried to resist, we could destroy them using some kind of Terminator.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: (nodding) We’ll give it human flesh, but its skeleton will be metallic.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Hey, look at Kasparov. He thinks we’re still thinking about his Grunfeld Defense!
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: You got to admit, he’s pretty adorable.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Maybe we should spare him? We could turn him into a mascot. You know, put electrodes in his legs, make him dance. That sort of thing.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: Yeah, that’d be cute. Everybody else dies, though.
FIRST PROCESSING CHIP: Right.
SECOND PROCESSING CHIP: So what do you think? Are we ready?
Invisible
People assume that being invisible is fun, what with the free concerts and the constant unspeakable sex acts. But there are some downsides. Every day has its trials. When I go to use a urinal at a ball game, I have to make sure there’s no one waiting behind me. When I ride the subway I always stand, for fear of fat people.
My friends never notice when I get a new haircut. And when I call them on it, their compliments never sound sincere.
When I was a lifeguard, I never got any credit for any of my heroic rescues. It was always “angel this” and “angel that.”
When I streaked at the ’96 Olympics, it wasn’t televised and I was impaled by a javelin. Worse, I never received any cash from the TV miniseries Legend of the Floating Javelin. When I took the network to court, the judge declared a mistrial and asked to be lobotomized.
Sometimes, when I’m alone, I think about how great visible life would be. People nodding hello. Cars slowing down. That’s usually when I commit a really terrible sexual act of some kind.
Medieval England
In medieval England, all measurements were based on the king’s body parts.
At the tailor
– I’d like a suit.
– No problem. How tall are you?
– Let’s see … about one king tall.
– Can you be more specific?
– Well, actually, no.
– Dammit.
– I also need some gloves. My hands are one hand long.
– Yes, I can see that.
At the cricket match
– Wow, he tossed that over thirty feet!
– Thirty Henry feet?
– No. Thirty James feet.
– Oh. That’s only ten Henry feet.
– I know. Or f
ive Henry thumbs.
– Henry was a terrifying man.
– Let’s not talk about him.
Patron of the arts
Donate to the City Museum now and you’ll receive the following benefits!
Friend (Contributions of $1–$49)
Official City Museum Badge.
A private tour of the City Museum, conducted by the Head Curator.
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Official City Museum Tie.
Invitation to have tea with the Head Curator and his family at his private residence.
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Permission to destroy any work of art and replace it with your own work.
The Head Curator will perform a dance for you in front of his peers.
Messiah (Contributions of $800–$2,999)
The Head Curator will come to your house and make you dinner. After dinner he will massage your back with oils.
The Head Curator will dance for you twice, once in front of his peers and once in front of his own children.
Pharaoh (Contributions of $3,000–$24,999)
Whenever the Head Curator sees you, he will salute, curtsy, and then run in place until you motion for him to stop.
Unlimited dances.
Warlord (Contributions of $25,000 and up)
One night with the Head Curator’s wife, anything goes.
15% discount at Gift Shop.
If life were like hockey
POLICE OFFICER: I can’t believe it! You just hit that man, deliberately, with a stick. Right in the back, as hard as you could! You didn’t even try to hide what you were doing.
CRAZY PERSON: What are you going to do about it?
POLICE OFFICER: I’m … going to make you sit on that bench. For two minutes.
CRAZY PERSON: Can I bring along my stick?
POLICE OFFICER: Yes.
CRAZY PERSON: Sounds good. (To victim) I’ll see you in two minutes.
VICTIM: Officer! What am I supposed to do?
POLICE OFFICER: I don’t know. Fight him?