by Kiki Archer
“No I’m not,” said Andi, rather more loudly than she had intended.
“See,” glared Zara. “Now sober up. This evening’s important for us.”
Andi placed a hand on her hip. “Oh sorry. I thought it was my birthday party? I thought I was meant to enjoy myself.”
“You are! But in the company of some great, like-minded people…” she lifted her nose, “…not falling around with that Proud Unity lot.”
“They’re my friends.”
“You haven’t got any friends,” hissed Zara.
Andi shifted her weight onto her right leg and tried to steady herself. “What’s up with you tonight?”
“You haven’t. Stella and Pippa are your work colleagues, and you should never trust a psychologist.”
“Ruth’s lovely,” Andi leaned in towards her wife, “and I think her and Pippa like each other!” She exaggerated a wink.
“How old are you?”
“Thirty today,” smiled Andi proudly. “Hic!” She giggled and lifted her hand to her mouth. “Ooo, excuse me!”
Zara reached out and took Andi’s cheeks in the palm of her hands, tilting her head upwards and staring into her glazed eyes. “You really are pissed!” She dropped the hold. “I can’t believe it! You’re pissed! Tonight of all nights, my prim and proper wife, decides to get pissed.”
“I’m just having a good time!” Andi lifted her hand to her head, suddenly feeling woozy.
“This is so important for us!”
Andi furrowed her brow, trying to get rid of the pain. “Why?”
“To up our status even more,” whispered Zara, aware of the odd glance coming in their direction. “Do you have any idea of the type of people John Elton invites to his Oscars parties?”
“Why would we want to go to an Oscars party?”
Zara pulled her long black hair over her left shoulder and took a deep breath. “Pull yourself together, Andi, we’re mingling.”
“I don’t think I can,” managed Andi, feeling her legs start to wobble.
Zara caught her by the waist just as her knees gave way. “Stand up! For goodness sake! What’s wrong with you?”
Andi clung on to Zara’s waist. “I don’t … I don’t feel well.”
Loud Greek music suddenly started to blast out from the stage. “Stand up straight!” shouted Zara, relieved of the noisy distraction.
Andi made a determined effort to move her foot, but the action felt clumsy and she couldn’t get her toes to lift properly, causing them to drag awkwardly behind her. “I don’t feel right. My legs aren’t working and I feel ever so giddy.”
“That’s what umpteen glasses of Champagne does to you!” snapped Zara, starting to sweat. She supported Andi into a more upright position. “Let’s get you out the back and sober you up. We can’t have people seeing you like this! What will they think?”
Andi tried to nod her head, but it felt too heavy. “Sorry,” she managed.
“You will be,” muttered Zara, taking more of Andi’s weight and shuffling towards the private door.
****
Pippa continued to watch the altercation at the back of the room. Most of the guests were now cheering the bare-chested Greek guys on the stage, laughing at their funny dancing and wonky blonde wigs. Pippa wasn’t interested. She kept her eyes on her boss.
“You like her, don’t you,” shouted Stella above the din.
Pippa dropped her gaze. “No … Not like that.” She nodded in their direction. “I think she might be a bit drunk. It looks like Zara’s having to hold her up. Do you think we should go over?”
Stella swigged from her bubbling flute, not tall enough to see the action. “You’ve got to be kidding! We’ll get the blame!”
“Is Zara always that moody?”
Stella raised her eyebrows. “Hasn’t Andi told you?” She stepped in closer. “Zara apparently has problems with her hormones.”
“And that makes it okay for her to be a moody bitch who man-handles her wife?”
Stella opened her mouth. “Oh my god! You do like her!”
“No,” she narrowed her eyes and started to walk, “but I’m not having that!” Pippa shook her head as she watched Zara shake Andi’s arm once again. “I’m going over.”
“Your funeral,” laughed Stella, turning back towards the stage.
Pippa weaved through the scattering of people at the back of the hall, dodging the dancing and ignoring the laughter. She stopped next to Zara and tried to stand tall. Pippa took a deep breath. “What’s going on?” she said with more confidence than she actually felt.
“She’s pissed! That’s what’s going on! Help me get her out of here.”
“Andi, are you okay?” Pippa bent down and tried to look at her eyes.
“No she’s not bloody, okay! Take her other arm. Let’s get her out the back.”
Pippa did as instructed and wrapped her arm around Andi’s waist, lifting her slightly, but trying not to draw too much attention. “Are you okay?” she whispered into Andi’s ear.
“I am now,” muttered Andi with a smile.
Chapter Twenty One
Pippa looked down at Andi’s head resting across her knees in the back of the taxi. Her short blonde hair was sticking up and her black eyeliner had smudged across her cheek. The plan had been to sober her up and send her back out to the guests, but it had quickly become apparent that she was too far gone, slurring her words and barely able to stand. Zara had completely lost it with Andi, accusing her of deliberately trying to sabotage the evening and their chances of making a good impression with the, ‘people of influence,’ as she had called them. Andi had responded with a giggle, sending Zara into a complete frenzy, ordering Pippa to take her home to stop her from making a complete fool out of herself, and more importantly, them as a couple. Pippa had requested assistance from Stella, but Zara had stopped her from going back out to the party; accusing her of trying to turn it into more of a drama than it already was, insisting that no one else needed to know about her drunken excuse for a wife.
It was obvious to Pippa that Zara was not in the least bit concerned with Andi’s state of confusion or strange inability to properly control her legs. Instead she just wanted to get her out of there, so she could carry on her indiscreet schmoozing, without the burden of a slightly tipsy, and potentially embarrassing, wife.
Pippa looked out of the taxi’s window, recognising the turning into Wellington Place. She reached over for Andi’s sparkling silver clutch bag, opened the clip and looked inside. There was a Dior soft pink lipstick, a Dior eyeliner, and a miniature bottle of Andi’s trade mark perfume, Daisy, by Marc Jacobs. But there were no house keys. She gently shook Andi’s shoulder. “Andi, where are your house keys? We’re nearly home.”
Andi’s eyelids suddenly opened. “Home. How nice if we were nearly home. Our home. Me and you. Not like that. Like friends. No, maybe the other. But it’s nice. I don’t think I’m slurring now. Bit woozy, like druggy. But I’ve never done drugs. I would never. Not even too many paracetamol. Scares me too much. Would you? Too dangerous. I’m feeling okay now.”
Pippa shook her shoulder once again. “Andi, try and concentrate. Where are your keys?”
“Zara’s got the keys,” she giggled. “I think I’ll sit up. Ooo no! Back down. Too spacey!”
Pippa gently stroked the back of the short blonde hair. “Don’t worry. We’ll go back to mine. Close your eyes.” She leaned forwards slightly, careful not to move Andi’s head too much. She spoke to the driver. “Sorry, can we go to Goldhurst Terrace in West Hamstead instead, please?”
The driver stopped looking for house numbers and sped up. “She okay?” he grunted.
Pippa nodded, watching Andi’s eyes snap shut. She waited for a moment then moved the blonde fringe across the warm forehead, gently tucking it behind Andi’s ear. “She’ll be fine,” she whispered softly.
****
Andi had enjoyed the feeling of the soft fingers moving gently across her foreh
ead and down her cheek. It had reminded her of the way her mother used to stroke her to sleep. The painful feeling of loss and mourning washed over her once again, as it did every time she thought back to her wonderful mother. She opened her eyes, not wanting to remember, suddenly hit with a vision of buzzing colours and wavy surrounding. She could just about make out Pippa’s shadow, leaning forwards and paying the driver of the cab. She decided to pull herself upright and reach out for the handle on the inside of the door, attempting to rise into a seated position. The outcome was disastrous. Her fingers lost their grip on the handle and she fell forwards, ending up in the footwell of the taxi.
Pippa immediately fell down onto her knees next to her. “Are you okay? Christ, Andi, what are you doing?! Here, let me help you!”
Andi wasn’t sure what was funny about being face down on the dirty floor of a black cab, but she was giggling all the same. “Ooo, you’re ever so strong, aren’t you?” she mumbled, feeling Pippa lift her from her waist.
“No, there’s just nothing to you, that’s all.”
“Not chubby strong, but leader strong. Maybe like that Roger Rabbit bunny lady with the curly hair. No, not that. I saw your figure at the swimming pool. Womanly figure. Better than being little like me. Where are we? Are we at the party?”
The taxi driver got out of his seat and walked around to the back of the cab, opening their door and grunting his words. “Need a hand, love?”
“Ooo no,” giggled Andi, still yapping on, “we don’t need men, do we?! She hasn’t for ten months. Women, I mean. She says so, but she must. I think ladies must try. She’s got a lovely dimple.”
“Yes please,” said Pippa, struggling to manage Andi’s flailing limbs.
“To the door?”
“If that’s okay?” smiled Pippa apologetically, thankful for the help.
“This is her house,” chatted Andi, floating up the short path as she clung onto their necks, “she owns it all. She’s my PA. Five bedrooms. I’m lucky, aren’t I, that she’s my PA? There’s another lady, orange shock hair, she didn’t get it, but she’s still there.” Andi giggled. “With Janet. Janet’s old too. Not like my Pippa.” She looked up at the taxi driver. “She’s my PA. But she’s fun and we’re doing fun stuff every month. I tried not to look at her bottom in the pool. She’s got no mortgage on this house. It’s all hers. Are the street light flashing? Some people would sell probably, but she’s nice for GinGin. Money doesn’t matter to my PA. She’s called Pippa.”
“What are you wittering on about?” laughed Pippa. “And she was called Gee-Gee not GinGin.”
“GinGin sounds nice. I’m feeling a bit better! It’s nice and bright tonight. I think we’re okay to go back to the party. Have I told you I think your house is nicer than mine? Zara has that interior lady, but she likes wood carvings. Who likes wood carvings?”
Pippa kept her arm around Andi’s waist as she pushed her key into the lock, twisting it quickly and jamming her foot in the door. “This is fine, thank you.”
“Anytime, Miss. Look after her.”
“Ooo she does,” giggled Andi, stepping clumsily into the hallway.
“I will,” said Pippa relieved to be home. She shuffled Andi inside the hall and shut the door behind her, quickly locking the latch. “Right, let’s get you lying down.”
“Ooo, can I go upstairs. I’ve not been upstairs. I didn’t want to ask. I should have really. We’re close, aren’t we? But I do have friends. I’m nosey, I like looking. But I’m feeling better, just a bit spacy. It’s a nice warm house. Feels like you. Did you decorate since GinGin? My head feels all light. I’ve been here loads. Not giggly like this. It’s exciting. Let’s play a game.”
Pippa put her arm back around Andi’s waist and helped her into the lounge. “Lie down on the sofa and I’ll get you a drink.”
“Ooo a Babycham, please.”
Pippa couldn’t help but laugh. “Andi! What are you doing? You’ve got verbal diarrhoea!” She lowered her onto the soft cushions and knelt on the floor, taking hold of Andi’s cheeks and looking at her eyes.
“Are you going to kiss me? You shouldn’t. I don’t know what I’d do if you did. I’ve thought about it. Have I thought about it? Yes, I think I have thought about it once. No, maybe twice. I’ve not obsessed about it though. But Jayney is so beautiful. More beautiful than me. I think you have a type. Are you going to kiss me?”
“No!” laughed Pippa! “Oh my god, Andi, you had me worried! Falling around one minute, comatosed the next, now you’re acting like you’re on a clubbers high!”
“No, I’ve not been clubbing for years. My legs still feel funny.”
“Are you always like this when you’re drunk?” asked Pippa, rising to her feet and reaching for the brown throw from the other sofa.
“Don’t put a blanket on me! I do that to Zara, but she’s older. We’ve been married for seven years. Is she here?”
“No!” laughed Pippa again, dropping the throw back into position. “Look, I hate to ask this, but have you taken something?”
“I’m not a thief. What’s missing? Something of GinGin’s?”
“Seriously, Andi, try and think. How many glasses of Champagne did you have?”
“No, they were free. We didn’t need to pay the bill. Four I think.”
Pippa sat down next to her. “And how much do you weigh.”
“Ooo, you guess.”
“Nine stone?”
“Eight and a half. You weigh about ten, don’t you? But you’re not chubby. That dimple would just be there whatever. I like the way you look. I like you. But the problem is that I’m married and if you’re married then that’s it. But you make me laugh. I love this house. It feels warm. Another time, another place. She can be moody, but she’s my wife. I don’t think about it. Well maybe I have. But Jayney is so beautiful.”
Pippa reached for her mobile phone and dialled the NHS direct number that was still stored in her contacts from her time with Gee-Gee. She followed the automated instructions and was surprised to hear an actual person on the line so quickly. She coughed and spoke loudly. “Hello, yes, I think my friend’s had her drink spiked.”
“Ooo,” said Andi in shock. “Who’s that then?”
****
Andi’s head was fuzzy, but she managed to slowly open an eyelid and peep out at her surroundings, recognising the beautiful floral curtains immediately. She closed her eyelid again and pressed her head deeper into the soft cushion. Pippa’s lounge, she thought. I’m horizontal on the sofa in Pippa’s lounge. What am I doing in Pippa’s lounge? She sprung both eyes open and sat bolt upright. “Shit!” she said out loud.
Pippa jumped in the armchair. “You’re awake!” She peered at the old grandfather clock, cross that she had fallen asleep herself. “4.00 a.m. Phew, you’ve had a few hours’ sleep. How are you feeling?”
Andi scrunched up her eyes and rubbed her arm. “Ouch. My head hurts a bit, and so does my arm, but I’m feeling okay.” She felt the tape and cotton wool and studied the dressing. “What on earth has gone on?”
“What can you remember?” asked Pippa, standing up and passing over the water.
Andi rubbed her eyes. “I remember Patty the Pudge pumping and grinding. I remember Zara being cross at me.” She put her hand to her mouth. “Oh no, what did I do? Did I show her up?”
“No, you’re fine.” Pippa sat down next to her on the sofa and took her hand. The lights were dim, but both could see clearly. “You’re fine. Don’t worry. You slipped out of your party slightly early, but your dignity was intact.”
Andi looked down at the hand rubbing her own. “Did something happen?” she asked nervously.
“Like what?”
Andi bit her bottom lip and looked at the caressing hand once again. “With us?”
Pippa paused for a moment. “Would that be a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Oh shit, Pippa, I’m married. Yes I like you, but I’m married. I’m so sorry, please, it has to mean nothin
g. A vow is a vow and I’m so cross at myself-”
Pippa cut in. “Sorry, no, Andi, I didn’t mean to worry you. Nothing happened. Please don’t start that verbal diarrhoea again! I shouldn’t have asked the question.”
“Why did you? Did I try something? I’m so sorry if I did. I just don’t understand why I’m here. I just have no idea what’s going on. I feel like I’m in that film, what’s it called? The one with the tiger and the face tattoo.”
Pippa released the hand and smiled. “The hangover.”
“Well I’m not sure if that’s kicked in yet,” said Andi, managing a half smile and rubbing her temples. “I remember being in the taxi.”
“Face down in the footwell?”
Andi laughed. “Yep.”
“Do you remember the nurse?”
Andi shook her head.
“The one you said smelt nice?”
“Oh god, no! How embarrassing. Yes I do. I remember now, she smelt of peaches. Crikey, I must have been off my head!” Andi frowned. “She took my blood, didn’t she?”
Pippa lifted the glass of water from the table and encouraged Andi to take another sip. “I called the NHS Direct number and told them your symptoms.”
“Which were? This is so embarrassing! I can’t believe I was bad enough for you to call the NHS Direct.”
“I was contemplating taking you to A and E.”
“No? What was I doing?”
“You had the giggles. Then there was non-stop chatter. Giddiness. You were unable to support yourself properly.”
“I was pissed as a fart then?” Andi reddened. “I haven’t been like that since Uni. It’s strange, I feel quite normal now.”
Pippa shook her head. “No, your pupils were tiny one minute and huge the next. I think you may have taken something by mistake.”
“How? I wouldn’t take something by mistake.”