***
The thought that Cindy may have abandoned me and started an affair with another man began to haunt me. The mere thought that Cindy no longer wanted me, sent me into a fit of depression; another emotion that was alien to me. What made it worse was that I couldn't do anything to prevent something like this happening. I accepted that if Cindy was in another relationship I could only blame myself. I had chased her away. I had said that I never wanted to see her again. But it was too late for recriminations now. If I had lost Cindy I would just have to accept it.
Even though I was having regular consultations with the resident psychologist as well as a psychiatrist from the nearby hospital I couldn't bring myself to speak openly to them about the changes that I was experiencing. The truth was that, even though they were highly trained professionals and dedicated to helping people like me, I couldn't bring myself to trust them. Apart from Cindy I couldn't think of one person in my entire life that I had ever trusted. To break down such a powerful barrier was beyond my capabilities. It had taken at least fifteen years to build and it would probably take that long to break down. And even then it would require people that I trusted to assist me. Every time I thought about what I needed to do to make permanent changes to my character it boiled down to only one person who could positively influence me: Cindy.
As I had plenty of time to think I began to analyze my past and it struck me that I had got myself into this predicament through my need to have a great deal of money. Had I simply accepted my inheritance and found a job I would have been able to live very comfortably but my greed had driven me to squander almost everything that I had. And suddenly I realized that the reason why I had wanted a lot of money was that I believed that it would boost my self-image and show the world that I was a capable person. But now I began to see that getting something for nothing would have made it a very hollow victory. In fact, all I would be doing was fooling myself. In the end, I was the one that I needed to impress, and I wouldn't achieve that by getting something for nothing.
***
My desperation grew so severe that I began to entertain thoughts of trying to escape from the Centre and go in search of Cindy but the fact that I had no idea where she was brought me back to reality. I paced back and forth in my cell or in the open area in front of the administration building for hours trying to understand my new emotions and what they were doing to me. Emotions such as empathy and sadness created conflicting reactions within me and left me confused and frightened.
One late afternoon while I was pacing in my cell a guard appeared and unlocked the door. He stood aside to allow Misses Walsh, the Centre's receptionist to enter.
"I know that you said that you never wanted to see or hear from Miss Cindy Bedford again but she 'phoned to make an appointment to see you on Friday." the receptionist said. "She sounded very distressed. What should I tell her?"
I blinked in astonishment, not believing what Misses Walsh had just said. I stared at her and saw her frown.
"Cindy 'phoned?" I asked, still finding it difficult to believe what I had heard.
"That's right." the receptionist said. "Is there something wrong? Are you alright?"
I took a deep breath and forced myself to relax.
'Yes, I'm fine." I said. "Please tell Cindy that I really do want to see her again and Friday will be fine."
Misses Walsh nodded and left. The guard closed and locked the cell door. I sat down on my bed, dazed and confused. The one thing that I had so dearly wanted to happen had actually come about. Cindy wanted to see me. I blinked at the relief that coursed through my body. And there was no sign of the suspicion that usually followed news that somebody wanted to talk to me. I trusted Cindy explicitly and banished any thoughts that she might be coming to ridicule me and belittle me. At last I was seeing Cindy as she really was; the one true friend that I had.
CHAPTER 17
"Thank you. Goodbye." I said and replaced the receiver.
As I slowly walked back to my room, the relief that had swelled up within me on hearing that Garth was prepared to see me gradually began to subside. What could have caused him to change his mind? Perhaps the psychotropic drugs and the counselling that he was receiving had helped him to overcome his anger. Even though I hadn't even spoken to Garth yet, the bond between us had strengthened significantly and I knew that Garth was the only person that I could share the rest of my life with.
The three days before I could go to the Withaven Child Detention Centre seemed endless. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible but the time still seemed to drag. I called Misses Phillips at the Child Welfare Department and she granted me permission to visit Garth. However, I had to send her an SMS before I left the pharmacy and also when I arrived at the Withaven Centre. She also called Mister Cohen at the pharmacy and got permission for me to take the Friday afternoon off from work.
I travelled to the Centre by bus, sent Misses Phillips an SMS to say that I was there, went through the security check and entered the reception area. The receptionist led me to the visitor's area and pointed out the cubicle where I could sit and talk to Garth. A strong feeling of trepidation welled up in me as I sat down. A thick glass window separated me from the area where Garth would be sitting.
As I sat waiting for Garth to be brought to the visitor's cubicles I continued to worry about Garth's change of mind. Had he agreed to see me so that he could continue to accuse me of betraying me or had he really changed his attitude towards the world?
The instant Garth walked through the doorway into the cubicle I knew that he had changed dramatically. His whole demeanour had softened. Gone was the arrogant, aggressive image that he had portrayed. In its place was a quiet image of calmness that I had never seen before. But the biggest change was in his dark brown eyes. When he looked at me I could clearly see the love, concern and relief that he made no effort to hide.
Garth sat down in his chair.
"Hello Cindy." he said quietly. "It's good to see you. How are you?"
I continued to stare at Garth, transfixed by the change in him.
"Are you alright?" Garth asked.
"I'm fine." I managed to say. "I'm just amazed at the change in you. What's happened?"
Garth looked at me and I could see the doubt and alarm in his eyes. He looked down at his hands resting on the counter top in front of him, took a deep breath and looked up at me.
"This is very difficult for me, mainly because I'm confused and even a little frightened." he said quietly, his voice shaking. "All my life I've hidden behind a wall of indifference to prevent being ridiculed and laughed at for showing emotion. To me showing any kind of empathy was an indication of weakness. I also created in myself a distrust of other people mainly as a result of how I was treated by my parents as a child.
"Although you've never told me so, I imagine that you once had the same experience but it's obvious that you have been able to overcome it. I've now come to realize that using the past as an excuse for my anger and distrust is futile and that I need to rid myself of this influence."
Garth stopped and stared at me and I could see that he was terrified at how I was going to react. I felt tears well up in my eyes and begin to trickle down my cheeks. I ignored them.
"You have no idea how I've longed to hear you say something like that, Garth." I said. "It's the most wonderful that I've ever heard you say."
"But then; why are you crying?" Garth asked.
"Girls often cry when they're happy." I said. "And I'm so happy for you. Please will you tell me what has made you change so?"
Once again the doubt and trepidation crept into Garth's eyes. He stared at me and I could clearly see that he was struggling to decide whether or not to confide in me.
"Garth." I said quietly. "I love you so much. Please trust me."
I saw Garth's eyes soften.
"When I first arrived here I was very angry." he said. "The management thought that I was a potential danger to the other inmates and that I should be
kept well away from them. I was given a single cell and during the day, while they were busy with their work, I was allowed to sit in the open area in front of the admin building. The adjacent property is a large paddock for retired horses and one day I noticed one of them standing not far from the fence. It was an old stallion and he had scars all over him. His one eye had also been damaged at some time and had been sewn closed.
"I don't know why but I felt compelled to go closer to the horse. I walked to the fence and to my surprise the horse came up to me. I put my hand through the fence and to my amazement, this animal that had obviously been so cruelly treated during his lifetime, gently nuzzled my hand. It suddenly struck me that this animal had overcome his past and continued to trust the very species that had treated him so cruelly. And, if he could do that, then so should I. Does that make sense?"
"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard." I said.
A faint smile crossed Garth's face.
"The old stallion has since died but I can't help feeling that he sensed my need and this attracted him to me." he said. "Animals are known to be highly sensitive to human emotions. What I'm now struggling with is how to handle all the strange emotions that I've suddenly become aware of."
"I know exactly how you feel." I said quietly. "I've struggled for years to come to terms with my past and I'm still working on it. Quite early on a realized that I was using my past as an excuse for my anger towards the world and that I had to stop allowing the past to influence me. We can't change the past. It happened; but we need to move on despite it."
The guard indicated to us that our time was up.
"Will you come and visit me again next week?" Grant asked.
"Yes, Garth." I said as I wiped away my tears. "I'll be here."
***
I left the Centre, overjoyed by the change that I'd seen in Garth. But I realized that he still had a long way to go before he was finally rid of his affliction. I had been struggling with mine for years and still had not completely healed myself. I desperately hoped that Garth would persevere and not go back to his old ways if the going got too difficult.
As I sat in the bus my thoughts turned to Tommy and I saw now that my attraction to him had been an infatuation fuelled by my loneliness and the possible loss of Garth's friendship. But what should I do about the ring that he had given me? It was of great sentimental value to him and I had no right to keep it. I had to give it back to him but I also had to take great care not to hurt him. It was quite possible that he had acted impulsively and may even now be regretting having given me the ring but I couldn't bank on that. I decided that the only way to handle this was with complete honesty.
***
On the following Friday I waited anxiously for Tommy to arrive at the pharmacy and when he had gone into Mister Cohen's office I walked out of the shop and waited on the pavement. In my hand I held the small box containing the ring. A few minutes later Tommy appeared in the doorway. He saw me, smiled and walked closer. I took a deep breath.
"Tommy." I said. "I want to talk to you about our relationship."
"Okay." Tommy said. "I think I know what's coming but please go ahead."
"The ring that you gave me is one of the most beautiful gifts that I've ever received." I said. "But I've since realized that I cannot accept it. At the time I was in a very uncertain situation with regard to my relationship with the man that I was living with before my arrest and conviction, and I believe that this clouded my judgment. I truly appreciate your gift but it would be very wrong of me to keep it. I don't deserve something as beautiful as this ring and I'm sure that you will eventually find the right person to share it with."
Tommy looked down at the pavement in front of him and after a few seconds, looked up at me, a small but sad smile on his face.
"I really appreciate your honesty, Cindy." he said. "Not many people would have the courage to do what you have just done. I wouldn't dream of trying to deprive you of the love that you have for your friend. The way your face reflected such love when you mentioned him tells me that he must be a very special person. I've also no doubt that he knows what a wonderful person you are."
I stepped up to Tommy, put my arms around him and hugged him tightly.
"You'll always be a special person to me, Tommy. Thank you for being so understanding." I said as I stepped back. "I know that when you find the right person you will make her very happy."
I handed the little box with the ring in it to Tommy, touched him lightly on the arm and went back into the pharmacy.
CHAPTER 18
At the next consultation with the Centre's psychologist, Doctor Botha, I decided that I needed to trust him. I could see that he really wanted to help me and was very disappointed by my refusal to co-operate with him. And after what Cindy had told me about her struggle with her past, I realized that I needed help.
Doctor Botha assured me that he would do everything that he could to help me and for the next four days we had daily sessions that went on for several hours. At the end of the last session I decided to speak to the psychologist about my future.
"Doctor Botha." I said. "When I go to jail next year will I get the help and support that I've received here?"
"The Correctional Services Department is struggling to cope with the large number of inmates that it has at the moment." the psychologist said. "Many of these prisoners need psychological help but the department just hasn't got the personnel to deal with the problem. This is very worrying, especially when it comes to young people like you. You've made amazing progress in the past few weeks and I can see that it is genuine and that you intend to continue improving your growth towards a stable personality. But much depends on the judge and the prison authorities' evaluation of you.
"By this I mean whether or not they believe that you are capable of being reformed. Bear in mind that there is ample evidence to show that the treatment that was handed out to you as a child has adversely affected your judgment in your later life and evidence of this will be submitted by me and the other personnel who have dealt with your case. There is also your behaviour here at the Centre. Although in the beginning you showed signs of aggression and resistance to authority this is not unusual. What's important is that you have demonstrated a willingness to correct your ways and become a normal citizen.
"It's very possible that you will be placed in a minimum security prison where you will be more likely to be treated in a manner commensurate with your age and condition. It would be pointless to put you into an environment where you will be tempted to revert to your previous behaviour."
"Will I go to jail for a long time?" I asked.
"That I cannot say." Doctor Botha replied. "There are too many mitigating factors that can influence the judge and his assessors. But if you continue to work on improving yourself and accept your incarceration as a means of reforming you constructively then the chances are good that your term will be of minimum length."
***
On the day before I was to be sentenced my attorney, Paul Greave, told me that Cindy had been found guilty of the crimes that she had participated in and sentenced to five years in prison. However, due to the extenuating circumstances presented to the court by psychiatric personnel and her lawyer, the sentence had been suspended and she had been placed on parole for two years during which she had to undergo regular psychiatric consultations. If during this time she was convicted of any crime she would have to serve the full sentence. If not, she would be free.
I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Cindy didn't deserve to go to prison and I knew that she would become a citizen that the country could be proud of.
Eventually the day for my sentencing arrived. I stood before the judge while evidence in mitigation of sentence was presented by Doctor Botha and three other psychiatric experts. When they had completed their evidence the State addressed the judge.
"Your Honour." the State Prosecutor, Harold Venter said. "Much has been made during t
his investigation of the psychological, physical and sexual abuse of defenceless children and I want to make it quite clear that I agree completely with the statement by Doctor Botha that all child abuse is abhorrent. However, Your Honour, it cannot be used as an excuse for the behaviour of the accused, Garth Gilmore. Just as he has been scarred, so have countless other children and yet these children have not taken the drastic retaliatory steps that the accused resorted to. A human life has been lost and lives permanently scarred as a result of the accused's actions and this cannot be trivialized.
"I would like to emphasize though, Your Honour, that the State is not seeking retribution. The State is required to present the law in such a way that the people can see that the law has been applied fairly and correctly. It is therefore necessary to attempt to balance the crimes with the circumstances. The State therefore asks that the defendant be detained in a suitable place of detention as laid down in the Criminal Act and that he be afforded the necessary counselling and rehabilitation to enable him to eventually take his rightful place in society."
My attorney, Paul Greave then faced the judge.
"Your Honour, at the outset I would like to commend my learned colleague for the sensitivity of his closing statement. He is quite correct in his observation that child abuse should not be used as an excuse for criminal behaviour and I certainly don't intend to follow that route. However, child abuse, whether it is psychological, physical or sexual, is a scourge that must be highlighted if it is to be eradicated. The vast majority of abused children live their whole lives carrying the terrible burden of guilt, anger and hatred as a result of their victimization and it is true that these people seldom, if ever, resort to violence. Garth Gilmore is an exception, but unless we learn from this terrible chain of events and apply positive remedies, cases like this are likely to become commonplace. It cannot be claimed with any certainty that Garth Gilmore's actions could have been averted with treatment, but he was never given the chance to test it.
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