by Monica James
I appreciate his kindness and wish like anything to be lost in his arms, but with Tamara and June mere feet away, I know that is not an option.
Just as I turn, June stops me. “Lola?”
I hold my breath. “Can you come with me to my office?”
I don’t have the energy to fight her because I knew this moment would come sooner or later. “Okay.”
Roman advances, ready to follow, but June sternly shakes her head. “This will only take a minute.”
The conflict behind Roman’s eyes is clear, but he eventually nods.
June leads the way, and I follow, nodding to Roman that I’ll be okay. And I will. I’m thankful he gives me the space I need.
The moment we enter June’s office, she rounds her desk and opens a drawer. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how close you and Sadie were.” Just the mention of her name stabs at my heart.
She appears just as broken as I am. I can’t imagine how she’d feel experiencing this loss time and time again. Does every death remind her of her daughter? What a heartbreaking thought.
“How do you do it? How do you make the pain go away?” My voice is laced with despair. When she remains quiet, I realize I’m being rude and insensitive. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you’re not hurting. I just meant…you’re so strong to be able to do this.”
“I’m far from strong,” she confesses. “I still cry and grieve for each life lost. But I think I would be far more saddened if I didn’t offer this place to people who needed it.” She takes a deep breath. “I do it because I know my daughter would have wanted me to. She was always looking out for others, such a selfless little thing. If I appear strong”—she peers out into the distance—“it’s her strength that allows me to get through the day with a smile on my face.”
Tears well in my eyes. “Your daughter would have been proud of you, June.”
“You think?” she whispers in a faraway tone.
Her question surprises me. “I know she would. You’ve done so much for so many people. You’re our leader, and we look at you as our beacon of hope.”
She sniffs, turning to me with a small smile. “Thank you. That means so much to me. After I lost Scarlett, my will to live died with her. It took me years to get to a place where I could accept that she was gone. I still don’t fully believe it. I still expect her to come bouncing down the hallway, a dimpled smile pressed to her rosy cheeks. We used to come here over the summer as a family when she was younger. She loved it here.”
I want to ask if she had any siblings. And if her father is still alive. But I don’t. This is June’s story to tell, and I will listen because sometimes, all we want is for someone to listen.
“My family is very wealthy, but I never wanted a dime of their riches. I married young, hoping to escape my mother’s clutches.” No wonder she was so nice from the beginning. “But I’ve made some mistakes over the years, ones I’m not proud of. I’m trying hard to make amends and earn back people’s love and trust.”
“We all make mistakes. We’re human,” I kindly offer, hating her admonishing view toward herself.
“This home has been in my family for decades, and although it cost me everything I had to purchase the deed from my brother, I did, because there is no price on happiness, especially for people who don’t see it too often.”
“You’re a good person.”
My words seem to touch her because she pulls backward, moved. “Thank you.”
Underneath her resolute exterior lies a grieving woman. It may get easier, but she’ll never forget. Maybe that’s the key to coping. Never forget, but rather accept. Accept that some days may be harder than others, but cherish the memories, instead of the tears. Accept that what will be, will be.
“Sadie asked me to give you this.”
Before I can question what, June presents me with a bright pink envelope. I stare at the stationery like it is the most priceless gem in the entire world. And in a way, it is. With quivering fingers, I reach for it.
“She was very specific about what she wanted. She may have been young, but she was far from naïve. She didn’t want a memorial in her honor. All she wanted was for me to give you that.” My grip tightens around the bright pink envelope, its importance even more significant now.
This reveals that Sadie knew her end was near. “Thank you for minding it for her.”
“It really was an honor.”
I turn the envelope, fingering each corner as if the action will reveal what’s hidden inside. I’m not ready to open it just yet. I don’t know when I will be.
Glancing up, I observe her weighing up what to say. “Dr. Archibald seems to have taken you under his wing.”
I try not to panic. She’s only making conversation.
“I’m glad you and Roman have connected. He’s usually very shut off, so to see him let his guard down is a nice change.” I don’t know what to say, afraid of saying the wrong thing. “It appears you’re both helping one another.”
“I don’t know how much help I am to him. I’m probably more of a hindrance.”
June smiles, and the sight is truly magical. “I’m sure he couldn’t disagree more.”
I hope she doesn’t want to discuss Roman in any more detail because I will eventually fold. “Remember, my door is always open.”
I almost breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
I tuck the envelope into my pocket, not wanting to read it just now. I’d like to be alone because I’m certain ugly tears will be shed. But when my phone chimes, I know my tears can wait.
Sunflower.
I know what it represents, a symbolic message spoken in a language only we understand. I quicken my footsteps and charge out the back door. The moon is buried behind a cluster of clouds, setting an ominous backdrop for this evening’s activity. Hurrying down the hill, I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the infamous pines.
The night isn’t cold by any means, but I suddenly get a chill. The closer I get, the more subdued things become. I know what I’m walking into; the weight in my back pocket a reminder of what’s to come. But I’m not afraid, and the reason is standing a few feet away.
Roman’s downturned face and slumped shoulders indicate how he’s feeling. It’s an anthem we all march to. He doesn’t turn even though I’m certain he can hear me.
The rose garden is beyond words. The sights and smells are magical, and even though it represents great loss, it also lets the world know these lives lost were people who lived and were loved.
“Hey.” Roman exhales when he hears me, but he still doesn’t turn.
“Thanks for the text. I really appreciate it. I want to be here for this.”
Roman nods slowly before finally spinning around. The moment our eyes lock, the gravity of our situation hits home, and the weight that has settled in the pit of my stomach gets heavier. There is no easy way to do this. There aren’t any words, either. The only thing we can do is dig.
Roman picks up the shovel at his feet, then reaches for a beautiful pink rose bush, the velvety petals regal and proud. It’s perfect. Sadie would have loved it.
His expression is vacant, but it’s clear he’s finding it harder and harder each time he comes out here to bury a new life.
We walk for minutes, the gentle rustle of wind the only sound between us. There are so many things I want to say, but where do I start?
Roman comes to a stop.
Opening up my palm as I extend my arm, Roman doesn’t argue and passes me the shovel.
With each mound of dirt I shift, the closer my tears threaten to break free, but I’m trying my hardest to keep them at bay. Sadie wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad. We both knew that sooner or later, it would come to this. But being the one left standing time and time again doesn’t make you feel lucky or relieved. It’s just a reminder of where you’ll eventually end up. We all die—some sooner than others.
I continue digging, the thought plaguing me until I struggle for breath.
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“Don’t feel guilty. You’re allowed to live.” Roman can read my inner turmoil. “Sadie, Georgia, everyone you love, and everyone who loves you…” His faltering voice matches my erratic heartbeat. “Wants you to live. And that’s the greatest gift you can give them.”
Raising my eyes, I meet his. Something hides behind them.
“Every breath you take is honoring them, honoring their spirit because they know that your thoughts are never far from them.”
Those tears I tried so hard to keep away have no chance at remaining under lock and key. Roman’s avowal is beautiful.
He takes the shovel from my hands and finishes what I started.
I watch in silence as he gently removes the rose from the pot, shaking out the dirt and fingering out the roots. He’s crouched down on one knee, but his gaze flicks upward. “I think she’d want you to do this.”
I nod, sniffing back my tears as I reach for the stem.
I’m careful of the thorns as I wrap my fingers around the length, picturing Sadie’s bright smile and contagious laughter. Different memories crash into me as I fall to my knees and immortalize Sadie the only way I know how.
I clutch at the mounds of rich dirt, dragging it with my fingers as I cover the hole in the ground. I only wish I could do the same to the one in my chest because saying goodbye hurts.
“I’ll n-never forget you,” I whisper, choking on my tears, fisting handfuls of soil. “I think that if I were to join you, then I would be okay with that.” And I mean every word. “But I promise, while I’m still here, to tell the world about you. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, but until then, tell Georgia I said hello. I love you both so v-very m-much.” A sob escapes me, and it helps let out this pain.
I don’t realize I’ve finished planting her rose until Roman’s cold hand overlaps mine. He’s usually so warm, so I jolt at the contact.
“Lola…”
Through clouded vision, I see our fingers slowly intertwine. The sight stirs something in me.
I never want to let him go.
Our hands are muddy, but there is something gritty, almost primeval about it. We are united, and that promise opens a door I never knew could open. I think…I’m falling in love with Roman. I don’t know when this happened, but the feelings I have for him seem to continue to grow.
With our hands locked, kneeling before one another, and covered in Sadie’s earth, I don’t fail to see the significance of that thought. Like Sadie’s rose, I want what Roman and I have to flourish. It’ll need water, and sunlight, and constant care, but I’ll suddenly do anything to see it bloom.
Out here in the partial darkness, I can almost forget the world exists outside this moment. There are no rules, no judgment. Sadie’s strength pulses through me, and I grip his fingers, expressing how much he means to me.
A whisper of regret passes over him, but that’s soon forgotten as he clenches my hand, his need thrumming through him and burning all the way through my body. I’m breathless as I anticipate his next move.
“Lola…”
I don’t allow him to speak; instead, I throw myself into his arms and hum when he catches me.
We wrap our arms around the other, needing to soothe one another’s demons. Roman once told me he has many demons, but at this moment, I’ve come to understand we are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.
“Roman,” I whisper, not knowing what I want to say.
“I know.”
He knows we’ve just crossed the line of no return. But neither of us seems to care as he sits, encouraging me to straddle his lap. I never let go, tightening my folded arms around his neck and burying myself into the column of his neck. His arms rest low around my waist as he rests his head against my shoulder. I close my eyes and memorize the beating of his heart pounding against mine.
Lub-dub.
Lub-dub.
The sound is strong, powerful, which makes me smile. He is healthy, and hopefully, I will be too.
We stay tangled as one for minutes, neither of us wanting to move.
After countless moments, Roman’s hand wanders lower. “What’s this?”
When his fingertips pass over my back pocket, I remember Sadie’s letter. “It’s a letter from Sadie. June gave it to me.”
With haste, he removes his hand. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’d like to read it now. And I’d like to read it to you. If you want to hear it, of course,” I add. I promised I’d share her with the world. What better way to start?
Regrettably untangling myself from his arms, I pull backward so our faces, our lips are inches apart. He is a virile man, and I can’t help but wet my bottom lip as my mouth has suddenly gone dry. Ignoring the overwhelming need to close the small distance between us, I reach behind me and retrieve the letter.
My fingers tremble as the pink envelope sits innocently in my hands. Roman keeps his arms linked around my middle, which gives me the strength to turn the paper over and slip my pointer under the seal.
The flap falls open, and inside sits a folded piece of matching pink paper. Not seeing the point in prolonging this any further, I draw it out and unfold the crease with care. Her childlike, swirly handwriting makes me smile.
However, when I see what that handwriting details, I fall silent, pensive.
You gave me a piece of your heart…so here is mine.
I could feel a gentle weight in the envelope, but I thought it was pages upon pages of Sadie’s words. But I was wrong.
Tipping the envelope upside down, I gasp when a silver heart attached to a necklace falls into my open palm. I instantly recognize Sadie’s locket.
My eyes dart up to meet Roman’s, who appears baffled by the offering.
The tale behind this keepsake nearly broke my heart, so without a second thought, I open the clasp with anxious fingers. What I see leaves me speechless.
The locket is no longer empty.
Inside the silver border is a photograph of Sadie and me taken during one of our movie marathons. We look happy, caught laughing about something absurd, no doubt. But the candid nature of this picture reveals just how much we cared for one another. The naturalness of it reflects our friendship. Being friends with Sadie was easy. We didn’t have to pretend because our friendship was real.
Clutching the locket to my chest, I peer up into the heavens to see a shooting star sweeping across the brightened cosmos.
Smiling so hard it hurts, I whisper, “I love you, too.”
Days have passed since I lost Sadie. Her memory is still ingrained in every corner of this place, and in a way, it’s a welcome comfort.
It hurts more than I care to admit, but Roman has been distant. After what happened in the rose garden, I thought he’d at least poke his head in and ensure I was doing okay.
I receive the occasional text message, but they’re brief, most times just reminding me to take my medication. I don’t need reminding. Sadie’s death flipped a switch inside me. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to throw myself into the deep end and hope I remember how to swim.
Death opens your eyes to so many things, and losing Sadie has given me a new perspective on everything. I have done some serious soul-searching this week, and my determination to live has strengthened.
“Almost done.” Dr. Tanner’s hoarse voice snaps me from my thoughts.
The needle part is surprisingly fine; it’s Roman’s strange, aloof behavior toward me that has left me scratching my head. He made some excuse for why he couldn’t take my blood today, but his good comrade and trusted colleague, Dr. Tanner, would do it and not say a word to anyone.
Roman’s weird behavior could be because today is his birthday.
“Okay, all done. I’ll pass on the results to Roman.”
“Thanks, Dr. Tanner.”
As I jump down from the ledge and gather my belongings, Dr. Tanner scoffs. “Please, Dr. Tanner makes me sound so old and responsible.” I chuckle as I slip on Sadie
’s necklace, toying with the locket. “Call me Teddy.”
I grip the trinket, feeling my pulse heighten. “You’re Te-Teddy?” I ask, fumbling over my words. The same Teddy who left that message on Roman’s answering machine I want to add, but don’t.
He peers at me with interest, nodding. “Heard of me?”
I need to pull it together because this is my opportunity to gain some intel on Roman.
Gripping the strap of my bag, I smirk. “Maybe.” It’s a cop-out, but it’s the only thing I can say to explain my apparent interest in him. “How do you two know one another again?”
Teddy leans against the wall, shaking his head, smirking. “So typical of Roman to leave out the details. We went to medical school together.”
“Oh, that’s right.” I play along, thinking on my feet. “So you must be good friends then? Go on yearly vacations together? Stuff like that?” I need to know why September first is so important. Why did Roman request that date? And more importantly, what is happening on that day?
Teddy folds his arms, his gray eyes lighting up in humor as he crosses an ankle over the other. “Are you kidding me? Mr. Workaholic hasn’t taken a vacation in years. I’ve tried to persuade him, but I’m sure you know by now, once Roman’s mind is made up, there’s no changing it. It’s one of the many things I respect and admire about him.”
“Oh.” I can feel the disappointment pouring off me.
I need to ask in a roundabout way what he’s organized for Roman. It can’t be a surprise, as Roman knows about it. I’m grasping at straws, and I need to go in hard because this is my only shot.
“Maybe you could surprise him? He works so hard. I hear there is an amazing annual jazz festival in Birmingham, Alabama…the first week of September.”
The moment those words leave my lips, Teddy goes from relaxed to restless in seconds. His easy demeanor disappears as he unfolds his arms and pushes off the wall, standing rigid. “Roman isn’t a jazz fan.”
“I suppose he could always settle for their famous crab cakes then. C’mon, Alabama in September sounds fun. I’d like to do something nice for him. He’s gone out of his way for me, and I’d like to surprise him with something special.”