by Karin Baine
A lead weight dropped into Harriet’s stomach as he confirmed she’d never been, and never would be, included in that beloved circle.
‘Being faithful, providing a home and financial stability is completely different from being a parent. I grew up believing my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter in comparison to my mother’s. I had to be the strong one and ignore those things every other child took for granted. I didn’t have attention, affection or even an interest in what I was doing at school from my mother. So much of my time was taken up with her insecurities and demands for my attention and it was almost a relief when she passed away. I’m not going to subject my own child to the same treatment.’
Losing a parent was anyone’s worst nightmare and she still grieved for her mother. It was difficult to reconcile that with the belief that her mother’s heart attack had given Harriet her freedom. She would never have reached the heights in her career she had if she was still at her mother’s beck and call.
Harriet would do her damnedest to ensure her own child’s emotional needs were met. Something she’d missed out on as a child, and as an adult. Sometimes being read a bedtime story or an afternoon spent making cupcakes could be enough to prove to a child it was loved. Since she’d arrived here Charles had gone out of his way to make her comfortable, but it was impossible to know if taking time out when necessary could be sustained long term. There was no way she was going to move here if they’d end up resenting the intrusion into each other’s lives, with their child in the middle of the feud.
‘I’m aware I’m not part of the family, you made that abundantly clear when you sent me back to London.’ It hurt, regardless of his reasons for behaving the way he had after the funeral, or her insistence she was over it.
Charles shook his head. ‘Don’t you see? I’m the reason my father died. That’s why I had to stay at Heatherglen. After we lost Nick I carried on with my life in London without a thought to how my parents were coping. The long and short of it is that they weren’t.
‘Dad threw himself into work here, trying to blot out the pain of losing his firstborn. If I’d been any sort of son to him I would’ve come back and helped then, lightened the load or given him something to focus on other than his grief. He worked himself into an early grave and I did nothing to stop it. I was so used to having my freedom, with none of the responsibilities resting on Nick’s shoulders, I simply continued doing my own thing. Including proposing to a vulnerable young woman barely into her twenties who’d only recently lost her mother.’
He was clutching at the arms of the armchair so hard Harriet was afraid he’d rip them off.
‘We were both old enough to know what we were doing. Yes, we may have rushed into things but don’t use me to exacerbate your guilt. As to your father’s death, what could you have done? You were grieving for your brother too.’ She remembered the tears and sleepless nights in the wake of Nick’s death. Unsurprising in the circumstances. What had happened to his brother had been horrific and traumatic for everyone.
Charles stopped worrying the upholstery and began pacing the room, coming to rest his hands on the mantelpiece and staring into the blazing hearth.
‘That wasn’t grief. It was guilt.’
Despite the heat of the fire, Harriet shivered at the coldness of his tone. So matter-of-fact and emotionless when she knew Nick’s death had devastated him.
‘How can you be to blame for his death? He was in Afghanistan on patrol. You didn’t plant the IED. I know how much you loved him.’ He’d always spoken of Nick with such admiration she was sorry she’d never got to meet the man in person.
‘You don’t understand...we rowed before he was posted. I said unforgivable things that I can never take back. I told him to drop dead when he tried to lecture me about stepping up and doing my bit to support Heatherglen. All because I was jealous of him. I didn’t see why I should put time and effort into the place when I wasn’t the golden child who’d be inheriting everything.’ The sound that came out of his mouth was somewhere between a laugh and a sob.
‘We all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. We shouldn’t spend the rest of our lives beating ourselves up about it.’ She was pretty sure she’d said she’d hated Charles on more than one occasion when emotions had run high, but she’d never stopped loving him. It was a way of lashing out, trying to hurt him with words she knew weren’t true.
‘We can when we’ll never get the chance to take the words back again. I thought he was the one who had everything. He was the war hero, the heir to Heatherglen. Esme was the youngest, Mum and Dad’s little princess, and I was nothing more than the spare.’ There was such raw pain in his every word it was heartbreaking to listen to and Harriet knew deep in her soul he’d never shared his torment with anyone else. She felt privileged but she also hurt for him, and for herself. If he’d only confided in her at the time they might have worked through this together then.
Instead, they’d retreated to their respective homes and locked themselves away to recover from their wounds.
She wouldn’t have been human if she’d sat back and let him pour out his heart without offering some comfort. With his mother no longer on the scene either, and his big-brother protectiveness of Esme, Harriet recognised the signs of self-neglect. Thankfully, she was able to prescribe the correct treatment.
Charles angled his body to meet her when she put a hand on his shoulder to let him know she was there, and pulled him into a hug. He was unyielding at first but soon relaxed into her with a sigh, letting that tension escape on a heavy breath near her ear.
They stood for a while, drawing comfort from each other, with only the sound of the crackling fire to break the silence.
‘You have to leave the past behind, Charles. Don’t let it destroy you. You’re still entitled to a life of your own. Especially when you’ve done so much for others.’ Her voice was cracking with the thought of him carrying so much unnecessary guilt.
‘I couldn’t bring Nick or Dad back, but I thought I could do the right thing by you, Harriet. Thinking I could get married and have a normal life was a fantasy and the nightmare of taking Heatherglen on was stark reality. I envied your freedom when mine had been taken away from me. I didn’t want to ruin your life too by dragging you back here and now I’ve done that anyway. I know I broke your heart, but I broke my own too.’ He broke the seal between their bodies to drop his gaze to her belly where their baby was growing by the day.
‘I’ve never done anything I didn’t want to do. Except leave you.’ She was trying to smile but the overwhelming sadness at the memory wouldn’t let her. She hadn’t been truly happy since that day.
‘I never wanted you to go, Harriet. I thought I was doing the right thing by you, Nick and my dad, by setting this place up.’
‘I know.’ She rested her forehead against his, wishing someone had bashed their heads together at the time. ‘What about you, Charles? What did you want?’
‘The only thing I’ve ever wanted, Harriet. You.’ His hands were at her waist now, sending her pulse into overdrive. When she looked into his eyes, saw the blue fire of his truth there, the game was all over.
Her future was undetermined but, at this moment, she knew exactly what she wanted to do. Yet she hesitated, her mouth hovering against his, her breathing ragged, knowing that if she gave in again to temptation she’d never want to leave.
Then Charles closed the gap and made the decision for her, his lips hard on hers as he kissed her. She’d been waiting for this since London. Wanting him to kiss her and obliterate everything else around them. Now she was burning with need for more. Circumstances had kept them apart for too long and now that raw passion for each other was free to burn out of control.
Harriet tugged his shirt from the waistband of his trousers, undoing only a few buttons before yanking it over his head. Much to Charles’s amusement.
‘Here? Now?�
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‘Yes.’ She didn’t recognise the huskiness in her voice demanding Charles take her where she stood. Such was the intensity of her desire to have this man again she’d lost all inhibitions.
She let her hands roam over his torso, getting to know that terrain of hair and muscle. Charles kissed his way along her neck as he tore off her clothes. ‘Max and Esme are in bed and Dougal is safely locked up,’ he murmured against her fevered skin. So they weren’t being totally reckless. This time.
The yearning to join together was as great as it had been in London. Yet that urgency to consummate their reunion before common sense prevailed had been replaced with a different longing. This transcended the physical, it was more than re-creating the best times they’d had together. Now they were going to be parents, making plans for some sort of future together, they were reconnecting on an emotional level too.
Harriet could try and deny it. Blame it on her hormones or a holiday fling, but Charles was the only man she’d ever given herself to completely. Her body and soul had always been his and in sleeping with him again she was playing a dangerous game with her heart.
To her detriment she’d always considered Charles worth the risk.
Hopefully, this time it would pay off. With the baby, the job and an offer to stay at Heatherglen, the last commitment he needed to make to her was himself. It was the only reason she’d stay. She loved him. Always had and always would. Without having that in return from him there was no way she could live here. It would be so much worse than never seeing him again.
‘Are you cold?’ He mistook her shiver as a symptom of being left clad only in her underwear when she was burning for him from the inside out.
‘Nervous,’ she answered honestly. Anxious about what was going to happen between them after tonight. She needed to be more than a convenient distraction for him.
‘Me too.’ His admission surprised her. It suggested there was more on the line for him too than simple physical satisfaction.
Charles took her back into his embrace, brushed the hair back from her face. ‘We can take it slowly.’
As if to prove they had all the time in the world, he gave her a long, leisurely, skin-tingling kiss that melted any nerves into a puddle.
He unclipped her bra and let it fall to the floor, freeing her breasts to his attentions. Her nipples were more sensitive than usual, and a shot of electricity zapped to every erogenous zone when he brushed his thumb across one. When he took the other in his mouth and tugged, she almost combusted with desire.
‘Charles...’ She was pushing away his boxers, ridding her of the final barrier to his body. So much for taking it slowly. Her body had decided she wanted him to satisfy her craving right now.
* * *
How could something they’d done a hundred times in the past still feel like the first time? Charles wanted this to last and to make it special. The night they’d conceived this baby had been passionate and urgent because they’d thought they’d never see each other again. Tonight he was going to make love to the mother of his baby, proving his commitment to her. No pressure.
He could already see the subtle changes in her body with the swell and new sensitivity of her breasts. It awakened such a love inside him for her it terrified him that he might hurt her all over again. He wanted to put her needs before his own so he could watch the pleasure on her face and know he’d put it there.
Not that Harriet was making it easy for him. Her confident command of his body as she slid her hands over his backside and around to take hold of him was seriously jeopardising his good intentions.
‘Don’t worry. I’m going to make sure you get everything you need, Harriet.’ He quelled his own throbbing desire to focus on hers.
He dotted feather-light kisses across her midriff, felt her quiver against his lips as he moved lower until he was kneeling between her feet. With a gentle nudge he parted her legs and relocated his focus to her inner thighs, kissing and teasing the soft skin. Her sweet gasp of anticipation and the slight unsteadiness in her stance matched his own growing impatience for that most intimate contact.
She opened to him at the touch of his tongue and cried out as he lapped her sex. Hands braced on his shoulders, she encouraged his efforts and he lost himself in the quest for her orgasm with every venture into her core.
He was so dedicated to his pursuit that when Harriet climaxed he almost came apart with her. Through every tightening and subsequent release of her inner muscles he demanded everything she had, leaving her limp and breathless when the last shudder of her climax subsided.
He didn’t give her the time to say anything, literally sweeping her off her feet to carry her over to the settee. Softly, he laid her down and covered her naked body with his. Kissed her until he drove himself to the brink of insanity with desire for her.
‘Harriet, I can’t wait any longer.’
‘Good.’ The coy smile was at odds with the wanton action of her legs as she snaked them around his hips. Pressed tightly against him, it was impossible for Charles to resist any more. Finally, he gave in to his own primal urge and took possession of the woman he loved. If he’d thought she’d believe him, he would’ve said the words. Instead, he wanted to show her the strength of those feelings in his every move.
He claimed her again and again, her soft moans increasing his steady rhythm until his restraint was hanging by a thread. Then Harriet secured her inner hold around him, building that unrelenting pressure inside him to the point where he could no longer hold back.
He roared as his love for her burst free, so loudly he was afraid they might hear him at the other side of the castle. Perspiration clung to his skin as the ripples of his release shuddered through his limbs.
Only then did he see the sheen of tears in Harriet’s eyes and his racing heart almost came to a halt.
‘What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?’ He’d been carried away on that wave of ecstasy, but he was sure she’d been right there with him.
She bit her lip and shook her head, letting him breathe again. He’d never have forgiven himself if he’d done something to cause her pain for a second time in her life.
‘It was amazing. It’s just...’ Her throat sounded raw with the unshed tears she was swallowing down for his sake. He understood then why she was so upset. They could have had this a long time ago and no one knew better than he what a great loss that had been.
‘I know.’ He kissed her on the lips, trying to show her how sorry he was as the salt water of her tears washed over them both.
All this time they could’ve been living at Heatherglen together, raising their family. The hurt he’d caused them both seemed senseless now in the scheme of things. The separation clearly hadn’t diminished their feelings for each other. They were more intense than ever.
Dougal barked somewhere outside the confines of their reunion, reminding Charles that their privacy wasn’t guaranteed. More so when he heard a bedroom door opening and closing, followed by footsteps on the stairs.
Without another word they scrabbled for their clothes like two horny teenagers about to be sprung by his parents. They dressed in silence, but remained undisturbed by his sister or her puppy charge. As he pulled on his trousers, and Harriet fastened the last button on her blouse, no one would’ve been able to tell they’d just had the most mind-blowing sex. Or that he’d woken up to the fact he loved her more now than he ever had as that selfish young student. Perhaps the time apart hadn’t been a complete tragedy. If not for the life he’d gone on to have without her he might not have appreciated how much more enriched it was with her in it.
‘We can go to my room. We’ll have more privacy there.’ Not only so he could share his bed with her but they had to talk about the future. Time was slipping away and he wanted to spend every second of it with her. To make her feel the same way about him so she’d realise this was the best place for her and the bab
y. With him.
‘If you don’t mind, I think I’ll retire to my own room, Charles. I don’t want to confuse anyone.’ The willing partner he’d had wrapped around his body only moments ago was now keeping her distance, her hands fidgeting in her lap.
His earlier euphoria dissipated with the rejection, though he didn’t think this was about revenge. It was much something much more serious than that. Doubt.
‘I just thought—’
‘Please don’t put me under any more pressure. It’s not fair.’ She was on the verge of crying again and he would never willingly cause her distress again.
‘I’ll see you in the morning, then.’ It was almost as difficult to walk away from her tonight as it had been all those years ago. Only this time he was leaving the next move to her. The decision about the future of their relationship was entirely down to Harriet. He was powerless. Something he was no longer used to.
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘ESME IS LOOKING forward to meeting you to discuss the possibility of a therapy dog for Bryony.’ Harriet had caught up with Bryony’s parents in the corridor and taken them aside to discuss their daughter’s needs. She didn’t want to mention anything in front of her and get her hopes up in case things didn’t work out.
‘Yes, Charles said he’d make an appointment for us to see her at the therapy centre. We think it’s a great idea. A dog will be good company for Bryony.’ Her mother was much brighter than she’d been yesterday, and Harriet imagined the prospect of training a dog had caused much excitement.
‘I’m so pleased to hear that before I go back to London.’
‘I suppose you have your own family there.’
A denial hovered on Harriet’s lips, but they weren’t here to discuss her personal life. It was already confusing things at the clinic. Instead, she simply smiled, neither confirming nor denying the assumption she had someone to return to. She wasn’t sure if it was sadder to admit that or the fact she was running away from the chance to have a family here because the idea freaked her out so much.