But the confusion felt like it was going to kill me!
I remember when we were dating, I met this very beautiful woman at a party. She introduced me to her husband and he was 5’4”. I was so sure she would be with a different kind of guy. Later we became friendly and when we talked about men, she said, “I didn’t think I’d marry someone three inches shorter than me, but I love him.” It was that simple.
So I thought, I have to get over the prototype of the status man, which is a very narcissistic thing.
A DEEPER KIND OF ROMANCE
Chris is very nurturing. He’s very sweet, and that’s the kind of thing that kept me with him during my confusion. I love to ski, and he learned to ski so we could do it together. He’s romantic, but in a completely different way than I was used to. With Chris, the simple day-to-day things are romantic, not the fast heart-racing things. He’ll say, “Let’s go look at the moon together,” and he’ll take my hand in his. I wake up and he’s got eggs ready for me and he buys the paper and everything is already there. I think, wow, that’s really thoughtful—and that lasts a lifetime.
Not that you don’t need passion in your life, but I get that, too, just in a more subdued way. We went running together and he picked flowers and he put them in a vase in our room. He’s got a lot of feminine qualities that I used to look down on but that I’ve come to appreciate. And we have good sex. It’s not about how physically attractive I find him in comparison to my other boyfriends because the truth is, I’m never going to find him as attractive. But instead of focusing on aspects of him I’m not as attracted to, I think about how he’s got beautiful blue eyes and I focus on that.
One night I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I looked into the bedroom and noticed that he was on my side of the bed. I said, “What are we doing . . . switching sides?” and he said “No, I was just keeping that side warm for you.” He knew that I’m always cold when I first get into bed. Then I realized that he’d been doing that on other nights and not even telling me. He doesn’t have a million dollars, but I think that story is worth a million dollars.
I also think about the nonmonetary things he brings to the relationship—picking up the kids from school, being a real team player in the parenting category. He loves kids. When I met him, he was helping underprivileged kids learn to read and he volunteered at an animal shelter. I still double his salary, and in a perfect world, would my husband be making as much money as me? Yes. But I got a lot of other things I didn’t get from the guys who made more money.
We got married a year after we got back together. I wish I hadn’t wasted all that time wondering whether he was The One. I wanted to “feel” different, but I thought maybe if I just jump in the water, I’ll realize that it’s warm and it feels good. And it does! It took me a long time to fall in love with Chris, but I’m absolutely in love with him now. When I was ambivalent, people said, “Ask yourself why you’re still there if he’s not right.”
I didn’t get all the things I wanted, but I don’t feel like I settled at all. My husband has integrity and cares about his family and the world at large. He is more forgiving than I am and I can learn a lot from him. If we ever started to have problems, he would go to counseling, he would go to workshops, he’s open to things in life. These are things of character. I have an anchor so that I can live my life instead of waiting for it to happen. He’s the person I’m most excited about talking to every day. All of this transcends, I want a hairy chest and a better sense of style and a person who loves dogs.
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Alexandra’s Story—Mr. Right in Front of Me
I loved Alexandra’s story because it shows that sometimes what we’re looking for has been there all along. Here’s Alexandra:
Believe it or not, my husband and I met through the guy I was dating at the time—they were roommates. John, my boyfriend, had let Kevin live with him temporarily while Kevin was going through a divorce. I was 33 and I had been dating John for more than two years and occasionally we’d all go out together. But I never thought of Kevin as anything other than John’s roommate. He was absolutely not my type. He wasn’t even on the radar. My type was athletic—Kevin was out of shape. He wasn’t a go-getter. He wasn’t as fun. Meanwhile, I thought John was Mr. Wonderful. John and I seemed to connect on that soul level. We had the same optimism about life, the same sense of humor. So I put up with the fact that John could be emotionally unavailable.
John was working so much that when I’d call, I’d end up talking to Kevin more and more. Kevin would make excuses for John throughout the relationship and, honestly, as much as I complained, I made excuses for John, too. He was my idea of Mr. Right, so I’d try to rationalize any behavior that didn’t fit into my idea of Mr. Right.
Soon Kevin got his life back together and moved into his own place, but we’d become close friends by then. We’d talk on the phone about everything, the way I’d talk to a female friend. Even though we didn’t have the same interests, we could take a conversation anywhere and run with it. I loved talking to Kevin every day, but I was “in love” with John.
John would always say he would be more available, but he was completely unreliable. The last straw with John came when he and I were supposed to have some couple time and he showed up with Kevin and said that he could hang out for a while, but then he had to go back to work. After he bailed, I was really mad, and Kevin was very sweet and understanding. He didn’t make excuses for John that night. I’m sure it never occurred to John that Kevin was a threat, because Kevin wasn’t charming like John. He was the “safe” best friend. And he was—I had no romantic interest in Kevin at all. He was the total guy friend.
HE’S LIKE A BROTHER
After that night, I broke up with John. We’d been together for three years at that point. I was crushed, but this relationship was going nowhere. John didn’t want to break up, and begged me to get back together, so we did for a few weeks. But then I realized he was just giving lip service to what I wanted but wouldn’t follow through. His actions weren’t matching his words. John would always say whatever he needed to say to repair the relationship. I told him this wasn’t working and, of course, he came back with the kinds of romantic lines I wanted to hear.
He’d say, “When we’re older, I picture this,” but he wouldn’t give any commitment like, “I want to marry you, and spend my life with you.” I didn’t fall for it again. I was devastated, but I knew I had to break up with him. But here’s what’s crazy—I still thought he was my soul mate! I just thought that my soul mate didn’t want to be with me. Now I realize that who I thought was my soul mate wasn’t the right guy for me, but back then, I was so sad.
So I was feeling terrible, and Kevin and I had our daily check-ins. You know, “Hey, bud, what’s up?” Kevin dragged me out with his friends to cheer me up. We’d go out dancing in a group. I was 34 at this point. He was dating again after his divorce. We’d both log on to eHarmony over the phone and help each other fill out our profiles. We’d click on people and ask each other, “Would he be a match? Would she?” It was fun. We hung out a lot. I always looked my worst around him. It never occurred to me to try to look good or treat this romantically. All our friends said we should date, but I said, that’s like dating my brother and he said, that’s like dating my sister.
CHASING THE WRONG IDEAL
Then one night, he had some people over, and after they left, we stayed up late talking and we ended up sort of cuddling. I remember being surprised and thinking, “This is very strange. But it also feels really good.”
We talked about it, and we both thought there was a risk this could end badly, since we were such close friends. So we decided not to pursue it. But at the same time, I couldn’t go back to our friendship—suddenly I was completely attracted to him! It was really hard for both of us to hang out with all that sexual tension now. So we said, “Let’s see if there’s anything to this.”
It sounds so silly, but that’s how we started dating, two years after we met and had no interest in each other. After all those nights out in groups of friends, or just hanging out as buddies, something sparked. We pursued that spark knowing that the core of our values matched, and it quickly became a flame.
The funny thing is, dating wasn’t that different from our friendship except for the sex—which was great!—and that we started to open up a little more and share the more tender parts of ourselves. But basically, we’d been dating platonically for two years without even realizing it. In the old days, this would have been considered courtship, but because we didn’t consider it dating, there was no pressure. We had just been ourselves. By being his friend for all that time, I knew how he dealt with other people. I saw him around his girlfriends. I helped him with what to wear. I knew what his insecurities were with other women and I knew his preferences. I could see through any veil he’d throw up. And it went both ways. We were who we were—there were no pretenses. And we fell in love with each other.
I think if I’d first known Kevin in a dating situation, I would have been critical of a lot of things—he’s not this enough or that enough. But I wouldn’t have gotten to the core of him, the part I fell in love with. Initially I didn’t think of him as boyfriend material because he wasn’t my physical type and he wasn’t upbeat like the guys I’d dated. He put across those gruff airs and I’d think, “Ugh, here he goes again,” but as I got to know him, I could see that he had a soft, tender inside that he was protecting.
I’m lucky that the friendship gave us the opportunity to see parts of each other we might not have discovered if we’d been dating and analyzing, “Am I going to marry this person?” I would have been comparing him to people like John, people who I thought were my type.
I was chasing that ideal. But finally I realized that what I thought was my ideal wasn’t right for me.
THE RIGHT BALANCE OF EVERYTHING
Kevin and I have a very romantic relationship in the true sense of romance. Kevin does thoughtful things. He’ll make dinner and do the laundry. He sold a car that was a financial burden because he knew it bothered me. He said, “It’s our second anniversary coming up and I want to do the right thing about this.” He even thanked me for helping him with it, even though he was going to miss the car! The friendship allowed us to establish a lot of respect for each other as individuals. It keeps the relationship interesting.
Kevin is the guy that John never was—the solid, stand-up guy who’s there for you. In building our household, he’s a full participant rather than a spectator. We share what’s going on, what we’re thinking, what we’re going through. We can disagree and talk about why. We always go in with the attitude that we can overcome this. Kevin’s very good at seeing where the other person is coming from. If we’re both too upset, we’ll say, “Let’s address it at another time when we can both be calm.” He has maturity without being patronizing and he’s involved without being clingy. It’s the right balance of everything.
As our marriage moves forward, so many of the things I wanted are coming to fruition one by one. Maybe because of a lack of unrealistic expectations, acceptance of each other, and mutual respect, all of those things I thought I’d have to do without in a partner are manifesting in the most amazing ways. Maybe I’m just lucky, but it makes me think of several stories of arranged marriages that end as true love. Our marriage is successful because it’s built not on an unattainable fantasy of perfection, but out of the realization that love is created, not presented.
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Hilary’s Story—Finding What I Needed
Hilary didn’t need a dating coach to help her distinguish between wants and needs. She was smart enough to figure it out on her own. Here’s Hilary:
When I met Rob, I was in the process of breaking up with someone I’d been dating for over a year. My ex and I were both yoga people, and we had a lot in common. But the relationship was terrible. He wasn’t nice to me. He put me down a lot. I finally got out of it.
I was 31, and I wanted to go back to school to become a physical therapist. I was taking pre-med classes, and Rob was in my physics lab. I thought he was cute, but there was no repartee, no “thing” between us. I didn’t like his sideburns. I thought they made him look like he belonged to a certain type of group or clique—not part of my social circle. I flirted with other guys and there was banter. I like the talk and the banter. I didn’t have that with Rob, but we were friendly in lab.
Then one day I was giving a dance performance and I handed my dance flyers out to people in class. Rob was visibly excited that I gave him the flyer. I thought, Uh-oh, I don’t want to give him false hope. But out of all the people I asked to come see me in the concert and who said they were coming, he was the only one who showed up! It struck me that maybe I want somebody who shows up. After all the guys I’d been with who don’t call when they say they will, Rob showed up. He was putting himself out there.
At the after-party, I got to know him a little bit better. I found out he was a pilot and I thought that was hot. I didn’t find out his age until the end of the evening. He was only 26. He asked for my number and I said, “You probably need to know how old I am.” I told him and he said, “That’s bullshit. I don’t care.”
He called the next day and said, “I had a great time, and are you going to the review class?” I said I was and when he got there, I asked him to sit with me.
MAYBE HE’D BE GOOD FOR A FLING
I thought I could have a fling with him over winter vacation—if he shaved the sideburns. But the more I got to know him, the more attracted I was to his personality. He was extremely kind and generous. I’d been missing that generosity of spirit in guys. I still didn’t consider him boyfriend material, but I thought he was mature enough to handle a fling. All of my friends at this point were married with kids and I had nothing to do over the break. I hated being so alone. I had waved that single gal flag for many years, but now I was sick of it. I wasn’t afraid of going to the movies or a bar alone, but I also needed some male attention.
So we hung out during my break, and Rob just started impressing me left and right. We had some group dates with friends and then we made out one night. He was a little overeager, so I was worried. I didn’t want to lead him on. A few days later, it was New Year’s Eve and my ex-boyfriend suddenly said he wanted to see me. Of course, I went. I knew he was bad news, but I was tempted because there was so much about him that I thought I wanted in a guy. Things that Rob didn’t have.
The next time I saw Rob, though, it felt so nice to be with him again. Rob and I went ice skating, and when we were waiting in line for fries, he held my hand behind his back and there was something about it that felt so great.
DOUBTING MYSELF
But I didn’t have butterflies. That nervous, excited energy and thoughts about the role you could potentially play in each other’s lives—I had that with my totally inappropriate ex-boyfriend, but not with Rob. Early on, I told him I didn’t like the sideburns and he got rid of them, but the chemistry thing was more about the overall vibe. He wasn’t as cool as the guys I used to date.
Rob and I kept on dating mostly because I liked being with him so much. Every time I thought I should end it because he wasn’t what I was looking for in a husband, it made me so sad to think about not being with him. So I was ambivalent about him for two years. I began to doubt my own intuition and instincts because other people had known that the yoga guy was a jerk and I had been wrong about him. What if I was wrong about Rob?
It didn’t help that friends and even my own family thought Rob wasn’t good enough for me. My sister thought he was too young and kind of boring. He was quiet and she thought he didn’t have much to say. My mom said, “He’s just kind of blah and you are such a force, Hilary,” and that really got to me because those were my insecurities, too. So I started hiding him and not bringing him to family functions.
Other people also said they pictured me with a very charismatic guy—I’m very outgoing and I always assumed I’d be with someone like me, too. Rob was quiet and slightly geeky. When we were alone, he satisfied my need for conversation and goofiness, but in groups, I would compare him to other people’s boyfriends and think I should be with someone more like them. Then I’d go home and be so happy with Rob, and I’d remind myself that I’d dated those other kinds of guys and they weren’t as this or that as Rob is.
There was a big disconnection between who I saw myself with and what I actually wanted.
HE TALKED ABOUT RACE CARS
So I stayed in it, but I still thought, if something better comes along, I’ll leave Rob. But every day he just impressed me so much. He cared about his friends, and he cared about my friends, and he showed this all the time by his nice gestures. I loved his values, but I never thought of him as my soul mate. I remember thinking that this guy could be a great life partner in terms of someone I could live with happily and have kids with. He’s so compromising and such a good communicator and we have similar beliefs politically and artistically, and in terms of how we wanted to be in a house together. But we have completely different interests. I have no interest in cars and he’s obsessed with repairing race cars. I’m a dancer who loves to be out dancing and he doesn’t dance at all.
Marry Him_The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough Page 27