by Iris Morland
Was he regretting this? I felt ashamed suddenly, even though I had no reason to feel that way.
“Kate, you know this was a bad idea,” he said finally. “We can’t do this again.”
I was shaking as I tried to button my jeans, unable to get the stupid button through the hole. “Yeah, I know, I know. I’m your dirty little secret, your baby mama. That’s it.”
“You’re not my dirty little secret. This is just as much about you as it is me.”
I finally got my jeans buttoned. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m tired. I’m going home.” I wanted to go home, eat some Ben and Jerry’s, and sulk like the mature adult I was.
Lochlann followed me to his door. “I’ll talk to you soon. We need to discuss the apartment.”
“Fine.” I didn’t have the energy to argue at this point.
He kissed my forehead, told me goodbye, and then gently pushed me out his door. I stood outside in the hallway for a long moment.
Had he just kicked me out? Impulsively, I gave his door the middle finger, only for Lochlann’s neighbor to come out of his apartment at the same time to see me giving an inanimate object the bird.
“You okay, ma’am?” he asked.
“Just peachy. But your neighbor is a dick. In case you didn’t know.”
“Um, sure thing, ma’am.”
Chapter Thirteen
Kate
My family was a little strange, but we were close. Since my sisters and I all still lived in town, we would go home for dinner a few times a month. The family party had expanded when Dani had started dating Jacob, and then Mari had married Liam. I’d been the one who’d never brought a boy home.
Now two weeks into the quarter, I didn’t have a boy to bring home: I had a fetus to bring along with me. And because of that, I’d gotten out of the last two family dinners with excuses that I was too busy studying.
My mom had texted me two days ago, asking me if I’d come to dinner on Sunday. We haven’t seen you in forever! she lamented, including a long line of sad emoji faces. And I know you need to use the washer and dryer at some point.
Okay, she had me there. Although our apartment building had laundry, you had to use coins and it was a huge pain in the ass. My laundry was piling up, and I’d started wearing my underwear inside out to avoid going home to wash them.
So much for proving to Lochlann that I was a mature adult.
Sitting on the couch while Naoko practiced her tuba in her room, I racked my brain for an excuse to get my mom to leave me alone. But it wasn’t my mom who got me to go to a family dinner: it was Mari and her guilt trip.
Mom’s worried about you, she texted me only a half hour after our mom had messaged me. She thinks you’re upset about something.
I’m a grad student. We’re the flakiest beings on earth.
You live all of two miles away.
I told you guys that I’m busy.
The dreaded blinking dots popped up on my screen, and as they blinked and blinked, I knew Mari was sending me some epic text of doom. I groaned inwardly.
To my surprise, though, the text she finally sent me was short and to the point.
I’d really like you to come to dinner to help me finish preparations on my baby shower. I know you’re busy and you weren’t asked to coordinate it, but it’d mean a lot to me if you’d still be there.
I groaned aloud. How could I say no to that? The only way I could bail was if I lied about being ill, and if I did that, my sisters and my parents would come to my apartment to check on me.
Okay, I’ll be there.
That Sunday, as if overnight, my bump suddenly went from a slight curve to an actual certified bump. To my immense irritation, my jeans were now too tight. I could get them on and buttoned, but the metal button dug into my belly. And, of course, I’d spilled oatmeal all over my one pair of sweatpants: at the moment, they looked like I’d barfed on them.
I realized what I had to do and groaned. I pulled out the one dress I owned—besides the bridesmaid dress I’d bought for Mari’s wedding—and put it on. Luckily for me, it was nice and billowy. Add some leggings and a sweater and we were in business.
“So are you going to tell them tonight?” said Naoko as I was about to leave.
I just laughed. I wasn’t planning to tell my family until the kid was eighteen. Okay, fine, that was a terrible plan, but I hadn’t yet mustered the courage to spill that particular can of beans.
“I’m only going so they don’t start sniffing around,” I said. “The last thing I need is my parents freaking out.”
I wished, suddenly, that Lochlann was going with me. He wasn’t even my boyfriend: just my baby daddy. I blushed a little as I thought about how he’d made me come in his apartment, his fingers and his voice joining together to send me over the edge.
He texted me every day, mostly to ask how I was feeling. I almost wished he didn’t care because then I could hate him. If I hated him, I could forget about him, at least in terms of being a man I could fall in love with.
That’ll never happen. He’ll never let that happen.
Besides, was I willing to give up all my hard work, my research, my reputation, for a man who might never be anything more than a one-night stand?
When I arrived at my parents’ place, it had started raining, and I felt like a cat left out in the rain by the time I got inside.
“Kate, how can you grow up in Seattle and not own a raincoat?” admonished my mom as she bustled me inside. She hugged me, smelling like patchouli, the crystals hanging from her neck gently clinking together. Julie Wright was my opposite in every way: where she believed in the healing power of crystals, I believed in the healing power of antibiotics. Where she believed that tarot could reveal the future, I preferred to leave the whole future thing a secret.
Okay, to be fair, my mom did believe in antibiotics. Yet I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d get strep throat as a kid and end up with a bunch of blue lace agates on my throat along with the comment from her, they’re clearing your throat chakra, sweetheart.
“I have an umbrella,” I said, wiping the raindrops from my face. “Somewhere.”
“Tourists use umbrellas. For shame,” said Dani from inside the dining room. I could see her setting plates down on the table with her fiancé, Jacob, helping her.
I have to admit, when I first found out Dani was dating the guy who’d been such a dick to her in high school, I was kinda hoping it was some revenge scheme she’d cooked up. But, no, apparently she and Jacob had actually fallen for each other. Go figure.
I went into the dining room. “Hey, sis, did you ever tell Jacob about the time you went to Pike Place and wet your—”
Dani squawked, interrupting me, at the same time Jacob started laughing.
“Somebody dumped their soda on me! I told you that five thousand times!” Dani scowled at me from the other side of the table.
“Yeah, sure, you just went to the bathroom and came back with your crotch all wet. Sounds logical.”
“Katey cat, don’t torment your sister. You know she had a small bladder as a child.” My mom patted my arm while Dani groaned, Jacob still laughing silently next to her.
I heard my dad’s voice from the kitchen. Kenneth Wright was practical where my mom wasn’t, but they complemented each other well despite that. They’d managed to start and run my family’s flower shop, Buds and Blossoms, successfully.
Although my mom was a total New Age witchy hippie, she had a mind for numbers that lent itself well to keeping the financials of the business in tip-top shape. My dad, though, was the one who’d always been obsessed with plants. His entire office was filled with various orchid species, an affinity I definitely did not share with him.
“Babe, I thought you said you didn’t keep any secrets from me,” joked Jacob as he followed Dani into the living room.
“It wasn’t a secret. It just didn’t seem all that important to share,” was Dani’s wry response.
“
Where’s Mari and Liam?” I asked my mom as we finished preparing dinner. My dad had been shooed to his office after he’d burned the dinner rolls. Apparently he’d gotten an alert on his phone about a potential new species of orchid that had sent him “into a tizzy,” as my mom had put it.
“Mari texted to say they were running late. Apparently they were waiting on some delivery. You kids and your online shopping.” My mom clucked her tongue as she tossed the salad. “When I was your age, I loved to go out and shop, but now all of you refuse to leave your house for so much as a tube of toothpaste.”
“I mean, why put on pants if you don’t have to?”
“I totally agree,” rumbled an Irish accent that, for a split second, made me think Lochlann had followed me here. I jumped, the tongs I was holding clattering to the kitchen floor, right as Liam and Mari came in.
“Sorry, did I scare you?” Liam bent down and handed me the tongs. “Didn’t think you scared that easy like.”
I laughed awkwardly. “No worries. I was listening to Mom complain about you guys waiting for your box of toothpaste.”
Mari made a face. “We didn’t order a giant box of toothpaste, Mom. It was the crib we ordered. We didn’t want the box sitting out in the rain like what happened with the changing table.”
“I dunno why we pay for delivery when people here are so bloody shite at it.” Liam popped an olive into his mouth.
My mom shot Liam a dark look. “Watch your mouth. You might not be my son by blood, but we don’t talk like that in this house.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that burst forth. “Mom, if I had a dollar for how many times I’ve heard you say ‘fucking hell’ when you got a bad tarot reading—”
“You’d be completely broke.” My mom turned to get something from the stove, only to almost run into Mari. “Good lord, this kitchen is too small for all of you. Out, out, out!”
As we went down the hallway to the living room to join Dani and Jacob, Mari said to me, “A dress? That’s new.”
“All of my pants are dirty,” I said, which was sort of true but not really.
“Gross, Kate. When’s the last time you did laundry? Do I want to know?”
“You probably don’t want to know that I’m wearing my underwear inside out, either.”
Mari wrinkled her nose, rubbing her baby bump at the same time. “Just don’t get too close to me. I’m super sensitive to smells lately.”
Seeing my oldest sister sit down next to her husband, his arm slung over her while his other hand touched her pregnant belly, I felt jealousy bubble inside me. Here I was, carrying a secret that felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, and no one in my family seemed to notice. I was just Kate, the sister who was incapable of doing her laundry or coming home when asked.
Kate, the prankster. Kate, the screwup. Kate, the strange nerdy girl who wasn’t like anyone else in her family.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s not a good look.
I could tell them, I thought wildly. I could announce it right now, get it off my chest. I could spill the entire story about me, Lochlann, Ireland, sex, fertilization, implantation, all of it. The visit to the ER, Lochlann’s plan to have me move in down the hall from him. The way he made me melt with a single touch...
But if Liam found out his cousin had messed around with Mari’s younger sister, Liam would kill him with his bare hands. Jacob would probably help, too. The one nice and annoying thing about gaining two brothers-in-law was that they ended up being protective of me along with my two sisters.
“Kate, you okay?” said Dani.
I realized I’d been standing in the doorway, saying nothing, for God knew how long. “I was taking in how disgustingly adorable you all were,” I lied, huffing like I was actually annoyed. “It’s kind of nauseating, honestly.”
“The day you find a guy and fall head over heels for him will be the best day of my life,” said Mari.
I grimaced. “That’ll never happen.” Because what guy would want to date a woman hung up on her baby daddy?
“Never say never,” said Liam.
Dani turned toward me. “I’m sure there are plenty of single guys in your program. It’s like guy city, from what I’ve heard. You have the pick of anyone you want.”
“Wow, how feminist of you,” I joked.
Dani shrugged. “I’m not saying you have to marry one of them. Just...have some fun.”
I had to bite my tongue in half to keep from laughing and sobbing at the same time. I’d had plenty of fun once—had lost my virginity—and oh, fun fact, I was now pregnant.
“So, in case you were wondering, grad school is going great,” I said, changing the subject shamelessly. “So great. Amazing. Let me tell you about all of my classes.”
My brothers-in-law and sisters did seem interested in my program, but not for long. I couldn’t blame them: most people who weren’t in STEM tended to have glazed eyes after five minutes of talking about genomes and biofuels.
“Oh! Did you feel that?” said Mari, grabbing Liam’s hand to move it to the other side of her belly. “Wait, maybe it’ll happen again.”
Everyone fell silent, like their voices could spook Mari and Liam’s baby. Then, a few seconds later, Liam’s face split into a wide smile.
“What a kick. She’ll be a football player with a kick like that,” he said proudly.
Dani came over to feel the baby move, and soon everyone was hovering over Mari, laughing and talking.
I wanted to feel my niece move, I really did, but it was like my limbs were frozen. I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t move. The anxiety I’d tamped down for the past two weeks almost choked me right then. When everyone was distracted, I went straight to the bathroom and locked the door.
I sat down on the toilet, my entire body shaking. I didn’t cry, though. My abdomen felt tight, and with every gasping breath I made, it tightened further. I lifted up my dress, as if I could see for myself what was wrong. But as far as I could tell, the baby was fine.
I forced myself to take deep breaths, and slowly but surely, my heartbeat calmed and the anxiety seemed to go down. Had that been a panic attack? I’d never had one, but if that was what they were like, it had sucked hardcore.
I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting on the toilet before there was a knock on the door. “Kate? Are you almost done? I need to pee and Dad is in the upstairs bathroom right now,” said Mari.
Knowing that it’d be pure torture to make a pregnant woman wait to empty her bladder, I opened the door. I forced myself to smile, but based on Mari’s confused look, it apparently wasn’t convincing.
“Sorry. Go pee before you die,” I said hurriedly. I realized I hadn’t pulled my t-shirt or hoodie down. Horrified, I yanked them both over my abdomen and practically ran to the dining room.
Throughout dinner, I wondered if Mari had seen that I was pregnant like her. But my bump was just barely a bump, and my dress was billowy enough to cover the lower half, anyway. I kept looking at Mari out of the corner of my eye, but she seemed perfectly unaware of my internal anguish.
I tried my best to interject a joke or a sarcastic aside as the conversation allowed. I told my family about school—giving my best bland expression as I mentioned my advisor offhandedly.
“It’s super random that your advisor, of all people, would be Liam’s cousin,” said Dani. “I mean, it’s a specialized field, but he can’t be the only professor they considered hiring.”
“It happened for a reason. The universe brought him into your life because he had something that only he could provide you,” said my mom.
I almost choked on my bite of salad when she said that. She has no idea exactly what he has “provided” already.
After dinner, the family ended up back in the living room to chat and play some card games. I considered making an excuse that I needed to go home when Mari cornered me in the kitchen.
“What is going on with you?” she said, her hands on her hips. “You’ve been acting w
eird all night.”
I stuffed a cookie into my mouth. “Haf not,” I said, my mouth full.
Mari held up her hand. “You’re wearing a dress,” she said, ticking off her fingers. “You barely talked at dinner. You only made one joke about Dani buying a plant called Hooker’s Lips. And you acted like your research is boring to you, which is completely abnormal. Either you’re planning some epic prank or something is up.”
I hated how easily my oldest sister could see through me. Dani was easier to manage. Maybe it was because Mari had taken on a motherly role in regards to me since she was nine years older. Not that our own mom hadn’t been motherly, but it was just one of those things eldest sisters did.
Right in that moment, I desperately wanted to confide in someone. Considering Mari had done a crazy thing two years ago, marrying Liam in a drunken Vegas ceremony, she’d probably be understanding.
“You can’t tell anyone else,” I said. I looked around us, especially as the voices in the living room got louder. Grabbing Mari’s hand, I hauled ass to my old bedroom upstairs and locked the door.
“What in the world? Who did you kill, Kate? Are you going to jail?”
“I wish.”
Mari just crossed her arms, her foot tapping against the floor.
I sighed and collapsed onto my twin bed. My room was almost exactly as I’d left it: the walls covered in Bill Nye motivational posters, the bookshelf mostly filled with books about genetics, along with a smattering of romance novels. The romance novels were one of my guilty pleasures—even nerdy science girls needed to read some sexy cunnilingus scenes, okay?
When I sat down on the bed, though, my dress settled over my bump like a flashing-red sign. I didn’t have time to mess with it before Mari pounced on me.
“Katherine Lydia Wright, I sincerely hope that’s a food baby from gaining the freshman fifteen.”
I burst into tears. Ugly, noisy, pathetic tears. Mari sighed and, sitting next to me, pulled me into a tight hug. She murmured things into my hair, and finally, after some time, I calmed down enough to give her the details of everything that had happened in the past three months. Although Mari’s eyes widened as I gave her the details, she let me speak without interruption, for which I was thankful. I didn’t have the strength to deal with recriminations right then.