by Iris Morland
Mari sighed. “I’m not sure it would make much of a difference.”
I considered and finally pulled out my phone. Lochlann and I were over, but I didn’t want my daughter’s father murdered by his cousin. Heads-up: Liam is heading to your place. He’s pretty mad, I texted.
Lochlann didn’t respond. I even called him, but he didn’t pick up.
Well, I tried. And Liam wouldn’t really kill his cousin—right?
“I guess I need to tell the entire family who the father is,” I said later after we’d returned to Mari’s bedroom. “But Mom and Dad are going to freak out.”
“Probably, but stay strong.” Mari rubbed my arm. “You’re hardly the first Wright sister to do something idiotic.”
“Thank God for small favors. But I think this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Dad will have a stroke, and then he’ll try to murder Lochlann, too.” I scowled. “As if Lochlann seduced me and I didn’t consent to the seduction. The pregnancy thing was just an accident.”
“It doesn’t look good, that’s true, but if you explain, I think our family will understand. Nobody blames you, either.”
“They shouldn’t. We didn’t do anything wrong. It was just a coincidence that he ended up my advisor.”
Mari’s lips turned up. “What a coincidence, though. That’s like something straight out of one of those movies you’re obsessed with.”
I sighed. “I wish. If my life were like one of those movies, Lochlann would’ve already proposed to me in front of a roaring fire with a twenty-foot Christmas tree in the corner, kittens and puppies and small children gamboling in the background. It’d be so adorable we’d all puke.” I sighed again longingly.
“You never know,” said Mari. “You might get to puke over your nauseating engagement after all.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lochlann
It started raining as I walked home. I’d forgotten to bring an umbrella, but I didn’t mind getting wet. It felt good in a strange way, the cold and the damp. It made me feel slightly less numb. It reminded me that I hadn’t died even though it felt a bit like I had.
Yes, I’d turned into a sad sack of depressing shite. I’d soon start writing poetry and crying to Celine Dion songs if I weren’t careful. But it didn’t help that there were reminders of Kate everywhere: a pair of socks she’d left in my flat; a note she’d written me that said UR A SEXY BEAST; and the flat she’d left over two weeks ago.
Sometimes I stood in front of her door, where she no longer lived, as if by force of will I could summon her back.
I’d since returned to teaching, throwing myself into my job. I went in early and stayed late. I took on things in the department that no one else wanted to do simply to avoid going home. Yet every time I went into my office, the memories of the last time I’d seen Kate were always present. In my haste to get inside her, I’d broken a ceramic pencil holder. I’d yet to throw it away even though it was unusable.
When I got home, Clurichaun seemed to sense how pathetic I was feeling and curled around my ankles. I reached down to pet him, but when I dripped cold rainwater on him, he yowled in protest and ran off.
Even my cat hated me.
I knew I had to force myself out of this woe-is-me pity party. I’d been wallowing for two weeks now. I knew that, and yet it seemed impossible to pull myself from the mire. I only seemed to sink deeper into it.
The ironic thing was that I’d been so insistent that I couldn’t be in a real relationship with Kate, but when she’d ended things I’d lost my damn mind. I was sure some people would call that karma.
I needed to get in contact with her, at least to make sure she and the baby were doing well. I still wanted to be a father, even if I couldn’t be anything but a regret for Kate.
I was making my nightly bowl of ramen—if I didn’t die of a broken heart, maybe I’d die of a stroke from too much salt—when there was a loud knock on my door.
My mind instantly thought it was Kate. I threw open the door, probably looking like a fool, only to see my cousin. And then my cousin’s fist in my face.
“What the fuck!” I almost fell on my arse, catching myself on a nearby table. I gaped up at Liam. “The bloody fuck was that for? Are you deranged?”
Liam just grabbed me by my shirt and shook me like a big cat with its prey. “You perverted piece of shite,” he snarled. His face was red, his expression angrier than I’d ever seen him. “You think you can fuck around with my sister and get away with it?”
“Niamh? I don’t even know where she lives!” Niamh was Liam’s little sister; I hadn’t seen her since his wedding in June.
“No, not Niamh, you dumb fuck. Kate.” Liam pushed me away in disgust. “You screw around with a young girl and get her pregnant. And then you abandon her? I didn’t take you for that, cousin, but apparently you’re nothing but a heartless arsehole.”
At that insult, I took hold of Liam and slammed him against the wall. He might have a few inches on me, but we were equal in physical strength.
“Whatever you think you know, you don’t know half of it,” I said hoarsely. “You have no idea what she means to me. What our baby means to me. So you can kindly get your head out of your arse and leave me the fuck alone.”
“She means so much to you that you let her drop out of the program she worked so hard to get into? You’re letting her raise that baby alone?” Liam’s tone was dripping with disgust. “I never took you for a coward, but since you’ve shown your true colors, Kate and that baby are better off without you.”
Red crossed my vision. I punched my cousin in the gut, getting a ridiculous amount of pleasure seeing him bend in half, wheezing in pain.
Both of us were breathing hard at this point. My jaw was on fire. Going to the kitchen, I grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables to put on the bruise that was forming. I had no idea how I’d teach with a giant purple monstrosity on my face.
Liam finally stood up, scowling at me. “I didn’t think you had it in you to punch me like that,” he acknowledged.
“Just because I’m a professor and a scientist doesn’t mean I don’t work out, ya fecker.”
A smile crossed my cousin’s face, but it flittered away just as quickly. He limped towards the couch and collapsed onto it.
“How about you explain to me your side of the story and I’ll decide whether or not I still need to kill you,” he said amiably.
“Before I begin,” I said, wincing when I realized that speaking hurt my jaw, “I’d like to remind you of how you originally married your wife.”
Liam scowled. “This isn’t about me, and besides, I didn’t get a girl pregnant and run off. So how about you give me a damn good reason why?”
I didn’t need Liam to be my confessor, but at the same time, I hadn’t spoken to anyone about this. Without Kate, I’d isolated myself completely. I’d ignored Liam’s messages, including the one where he’d invited me to the Wright family Thanksgiving. As if I’d attend that, with Kate there. That would’ve been a fucking fiasco.
I eventually told Liam the entire story. He only interrupted me half a dozen times with threats of dismembering me very slowly. By the end of my recital, my jaw was aching like the devil, my frozen bag of vegetables was already thawing, and my head was pounding in my skull.
Liam was silent for a long time. Clurichaun, who I’m sure had hidden the second Liam had burst into my flat, had emerged from his hiding place to curl up next to Liam. Liam stroked the cat absently. I went back into the kitchen with another bag of frozen vegetables along with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.
Liam let me fill a glass of whiskey for him, muttering thanks under his breath. He drank it in two gulps before he sighed.
“I can’t say that I’m pleased with how this all happened,” said Liam finally, his Irish accent coming out. “You should’ve left her alone. She’s too young for you, and she had her entire life ahead of her.”
I bristled. “You think I don’t know that? That
I hate how I’ve fucked up her life like this?”
Liam held up a hand. “But she’s also not a child, and she lied to you more than once. That’s on her.” Liam shot me a strange look. “She also didn’t tell you about the threats she got, did she?”
I stared at him in shock. “What threats?”
Liam rubbed his forehead. “I shouldn’t get involved. I know that. I should keep my giant gob shut, but here I am.” He poured himself another glass of whiskey. “Some woman named Liz apparently threatened Kate. I don’t know any other details, though. You’ll have to ask Kate.”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even think. What had Liz threatened Kate with? Bodily harm?
No, Liz wouldn’t physically hurt Kate. That would be too messy. But if she could get something that she could use to better her own career…that made sense.
My stomach turned. I could only think of strangling Liz with my bare hands when I saw her again. To threaten Kate like that...it was unforgivable. If she’d come for me, that would’ve been one thing. But Kate? She was innocent.
“I didn’t know,” I said hoarsely. I stared at my empty glass. “Kate never said a thing about it. That must be why she dropped out of the program: to get away from all of this bullshite.”
I swore in Irish. Liam just nodded in agreement.
Liam then gave me a serious look. “I’m thinking Kate wanted to protect you. Not sure how her dropping out would’ve done that, but that’s for you two to discuss.” He set his empty glass onto the coffee table, giving Clurichaun a scratch behind the ears, before getting up.
“I want to know one thing,” said Liam suddenly. “Do you love her?”
When Sophie had asked me that question all those years ago, the words had frozen in my throat. Fear had congealed my insides. Finally, I’d said the words back, because she’d wanted to hear them.
And I had loved Sophie, in a way. I realized right then that that love had only been a partial love, but not for the reasons I’d thought. It wasn’t because of my work, or because I wasn’t capable of giving more. I knew the difference now, because the love I felt for Kate was with the entirety of my being. And that love didn’t terrify me: it exhilarated me.
“I do,” I said finally.
Liam’s expression was wry. “Then why the fuck are you hiding out here? Go tell her. Now. She’s been moping around our place for way too damn long. I can’t watch another Christmas movie.”
Kate, watching Christmas movies? She must really be upset.
But right then, fear finally slammed into me. I’d been so certain I couldn’t have my research and love, and I’d told Kate as much multiple times. What if I were wrong? What if I ended up hurting Kate just like I’d hurt Sophie?
“I told Kate that I couldn’t love a woman and my research,” I said quietly. “Because of what happened with my ex.”
Liam looked incredulous. “That sounds like a bunch of bullshite, man.”
“But if it’s true and I break Kate’s heart…it’d be terrible.”
“It would be, because I’d break your legs. But just because you were convinced this was true doesn’t mean it is. Besides, you can love more than one thing. More than one person. Love isn’t a finite resource.”
I had to stifle a laugh. “Since when did you get so profound?”
“Marriage,” was his succinct reply.
Realizations were lighting up inside my mind like candles being lit one by one. By not giving up my position to protect Kate, I had chosen my work over her and our daughter. I’d been a selfish gobshite and the fact that Kate had put up with me was a damn miracle.
I stood up abruptly. “I need to go. Wait, no.” I went to get my laptop. “I need to write an email.”
Liam gave me a strange look. “Okay, that wouldn’t have been my recommendation for telling Kate you love her, but whatever works.”
“I’m writing my resignation letter, ya wanker.”
“Well, in that case…” Liam went to get the bottle of whiskey sitting on my kitchen counter. “I’m thinking we’re gonna need this.”
After Liam left, I knew I had two more people I needed to talk to. I glanced at the time, hoping that my parents were still awake. It was late in Ireland, but this couldn’t wait until morning.
“Lochlann, what’re you calling for this late?” said my mam. “We were just about to go to sleep but your da saw you were calling.”
“Is Da listening?” I asked.
“Yeah, he’s here. Do you want to talk to him?”
“No, I mean, yes. I want to talk to you both.” I took a deep breath, then another. Finally, I said, “I have something important to tell you.”
Bless my parents, but they let me talk once the first flurry of incredulous questions ended. I didn’t give them all of the sordid details regarding my relationship with Kate, but I gave them enough for them to understand why I’d been reluctant to disclose to them the fact that they’d have a granddaughter soon. Even worse, having a granddaughter with an American woman—a woman who wasn’t my wife and wasn’t, to my knowledge, Catholic, either. I knew that that news would go over worse than my decision to turn in my resignation.
By the end of my story, everyone fell silent. I wondered for a moment if the call had been dropped, and I’d been talking to nobody the entire time.
Then, my mam said, sighing, “An American girl, Lochlann? Really?”
My da finally chimed in with, “It could be worse. She could be English.” Then to me, he said, “Lochlann, you know you have our support, even if she’s American. Or English. As long as you marry her. You’re marrying her, yes?”
“If she’ll have me.”
My da snorted. “Don’t be thick. She’ll have you, if she isn’t thick herself.”
I smiled for the first time in seemingly forever. “I hope you’re right.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kate
Early in December, I received an email from the dean of the materials department, requesting that I meet with him as soon as possible. My stomach dropped into my toes when I read it. Although Dr. Calvin didn’t allude to the reason why he wanted this meeting, it didn’t take a genius to figure out.
I’d met Dr. Calvin on a few occasions. He’d been a quiet, almost stodgy man, who dressed exactly as you’d expect a professor to dress. Tweed jacket, elbow patches, oversized glasses, and a pocket protector for his fanciest pen. He’d seemed almost fatherly, and I hoped he acted that way in this meeting.
Then again, what could he do? Kick me out of the program? Too late for that.
I stood in front of his office door for what felt like hours, gathering my courage. Finally, I knocked, telling myself that all I could do was stay calm and answer his questions as best I could.
“Come in,” called a voice. I pushed open the door to find Dr. Calvin digging through his briefcase. “Oh good, you’re here. Have a seat. I’ll be with you in a second.”
I watched him continue rifling through a stack of papers. Muttering under his breath, he pulled one that had been wadded up and attempted to smooth it out, but to no avail.
“Okay, sorry, couldn’t find what I needed.” He cleared his throat and sat down across from me. “I’m not going to waste your time, Ms. Wright, so I thought we’d get to the heart of the matter right away. Your advisor—former advisor, that is—recently came to me with quite a story. Dr. Gallagher conveyed to me that you and he had started an affaire d’couer in June of this year, but in some bizarre twist of fate, he ended up becoming your advisor here. Can you confirm this?”
I hesitated, not sure if this was some kind of trap. Besides, if I confirmed the story, would Lochlann lose his job?
Dr. Calvin sensed my hesitation. “Oh, sorry, I should’ve led with this.” He handed me the crumpled paper he’d gotten from his briefcase. “Dr. Gallagher put in his resignation this week. This is his letter, if you’d like to read it.”
Stunned, I took the letter. It took me a long moment to understand w
hat I was even reading. But what stood out to me the most was, Ms. Wright is an exceptional student and should be given her spot back in the program. She has done nothing wrong; I am the culpable party.
“He resigned?” I couldn’t breathe. “Why?”
Dr. Calvin cleared his throat. “Well, as you can see, he confessed to the entire thing. He stated that he was entirely at fault and that he shouldn’t continue working here. I had to agree with him, even though I was greatly disappointed to lose an educator like him for something like this.”
Why had Lochlann done this? Why had he given everything up? Not only that, but he’d made a case to give me my spot back in the program.
“I can understand if you’d prefer not to rejoin us here,” said Dr. Calvin, “given what happened. But I want you to know that you’re welcome to come back if you’d like. Dr. Gallagher provided me with the research you’d been working on. It’s truly exceptional, Ms. Wright. You have a bright future ahead of you.”
“Thank you.” I forced myself to take a deep breath. “Um, can I think about it?”
“Of course, of course.”
“Do you know what will happen to Loch—I mean, Dr. Gallagher? Will he have to return to Ireland?”
At that, Dr. Calvin’s smile faded. “I don’t know. As far as the university is concerned, we’re no longer sponsoring his work visa. He’d have to find another employer who would sponsor him, which can be difficult, even for someone of his caliber. Add to that, the reason for his resignation...” He shook his head.
I had to find Lochlann. I had to get him to explain why he’d done this. I grabbed my bag, saying in a rush, “I need to go. Thank you.” I rounded the desk and gave Dr. Calvin a tight hug that I knew was completely unprofessional. But I needed to hug somebody in that moment.
I rushed to Lochlann’s apartment and practically ran to his door. Or at least as fast as a pregnant lady can run.