by Ashley Munoz
When he’d moved to check the baby’s heartbeat, and I asked if I could record it, he shut me down so fast with a sharp denial and a scoff…almost making fun of me. He educated me on how that was illegal, then proceeded to talk down to me about the weight I wasn’t gaining and how I needed to start taking this pregnancy more seriously. It was a downward spiral from there as I considered again that I was a terrible choice for a mother for this baby. I wouldn’t be able to protect her from my father, or from Markos.
The reminder that my life didn’t belong to me came in as swift as a turbulent thunderstorm. I could get as excited as I wanted, but it would never matter because I was owed to a monster, and it was only a matter of time before he came to collect.
“Well, that’s okay…and one last thing.” She eyed my belly and the way the material scrunched up, showing my skin. “You might want to start wearing maternity clothes, not that I’m judging…but you mentioned not knowing where to start, so I thought maybe you weren’t sure about that part either.”
I blinked, a little overwhelmed that she’d had to point out that I needed to wear maternity clothes. She was right, and no, I didn’t know where to start.
“Right over there, they have pants that you don’t have to button or zip, shirts that cover your belly, and all sorts of things.” She smiled once more, and then she was gone.
I spun on my heel and smiled, despite the cloud hanging over my head. I had learned to enjoy the breaks in the clouds, however few and far between the gaps were.
I ended up going back to the store every day for a week, each day picking up something else on my list. I had read so many new mommy blogs and posts and links, so many pins and TikToks that I truly felt empowered. I knew what a nursing bra was and that I would need one, and a pump…I knew about storing breast milk, and nipple sensitivity.
I had purchased a ton of maternity clothes too and found out from some of the blogs that there were things called belly bands and tanks that helped and went with outfits. There was so much, and my head was still swirling with all the things I’d learned.
Walking with my hoard of purchases, I didn’t expect to run into Juan on my way up to my room.
“Hey,” he said, grabbing my elbows to stabilize me.
“Hey,” I replied, my arms full.
He let me go, and I ambled past him. He’d been scarce the past week…more than scarce, he hadn’t even been home as far as I could tell. Our movie nights were effectively ruined, because I’d ruined them. So, at night, I went down by myself and watched the massive television with all the lights on in the room, because I was afraid of being alone.
I hated it.
I read books to my baby and made homemade face masks and hair masks, but in the end I was still alone, and Juan still wasn’t home.
I hated that I was bitter about it, but I understood.
“Looks like you bought the whole store.” He lightly laughed, trailing me into my room. I had no idea if he noticed that there was a slow buildup of items in my room or not, but again, he hadn’t been home.
“Just getting a few things for the baby.” Or my mom had…it was her credit card I used because she told me to. I could be noble and deny their money for myself, but I was a sucker when it came to my baby.
Juan leaned against the door frame, his black dress pants pressed and paired nicely with his white dress shirt.
“Well here’s one more thing you can add to the list.” He slid a white box into one of my bags, wearing a sheepish smile.
I watched as he took a step back, like it was no big deal that he had just purchased something for my baby. My heart skipped a thousand beats, like it was about to burst.
I blinked.
“Thank you…here, I want to open it.” I shuffled a few steps so I could set the bags down.
“I have to head out, it’s no big deal…” he hedged, but there was no way he was getting out of me opening it in front of him. The fact that he was leaving again scratched at my lungs, like I wanted to sob for him to please stay with me. I was sick of being alone, but I wouldn’t.
I had no idea where he was going, but with his dark skin and that raven hair…it was an effort not to jump him. My hormones were going crazy, and the attraction I had to him was becoming impossible to handle. It was probably a good thing that he had put space between us, because that night things had gone way too far…it hadn’t been until he mentioned the baby the other night that I realized he had pictured having sex with me, with current pregnant me and not future non-pregnant me. For whatever reason, this banter we had, this flirtation…I thought it was just a game, a buildup for when I wasn’t pregnant anymore. No guy would just fuck a pregnant girl unless they cared about them, right?
So, I freaked out.
It was a lot to take in at once, and of course images of him fisting my hair and fucking me from behind were on repeat in my head for days.
I began digging through the bag he’d slid the gift into.
“So, find out the gender yet?” he asked, walking closer.
My heart froze, that feeling of panic surging to the surface. I wanted to, especially after my talk with Fatima in the store—I’d learned her name and ran into her three times since our first meeting. She told me she’d been asking for the baby section more often in hopes she’d see me. I felt like I’d made a friend, and with Mal gone, it was nice, even if I did have to splurge on spending money just to see her. I supposed I could maybe ask for her number…maybe.
“Um…not yet.” My fingers wrapped around the box he’d given me. It was solid white without any packaging indicating what it was. Scrunching my brows, I began tearing at the sides to get inside.
Juan picked up a pack of newborn diapers, tilting it in his hands. “Holden won’t go?”
I hadn’t asked him. After I hadn’t shown up that night at his dorm, he’d ghosted me again, and when I saw him on campus, he pulled whatever girl was near him under his arm and walked away.
“No.” The box opened, and out slid a small machine about the size of my palm. With it was a headset wrapped in plastic and a few cords.
“Fetal doppler…” My eyes jumped to his.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “So you can hear her…or his heartbeat whenever you want to. There’s a speaker, but I think you can plug in those headphones. You can record it on your phone too, so you don’t have to apply that stuff to your stomach each time if you don’t want to.”
I had tried so hard not to cry in front of Juan. So many times I had wanted to…but I held back. I was terrified on a regular basis, and the longer I was pregnant, the more I felt like I was just on a runaway train, headed for a cliff. But he made me feel safe, like not everything was about to go up in flames.
“Thank you,” I whispered, resisting the burning behind my eyes and the urge to jump into his arms.
“It’s not a big deal.” He turned away about to leave, but suddenly I wanted him to stay. I couldn’t ask for that, though.
He had been creating space between us, setting up a new habit so that we knew where the other stood regarding this thing that had been flickering between us. It was like a fire that just wouldn’t take. We’d burn to ash, and that would be the end. I turned and started putting things away in the closet. There was nothing set up in there, just empty space, so I’d been setting everything on the floor.
“Set up the appointment. I’ll go with you.”
My head snapped up, now in the closet, and he was still by my bed. I ambled out, tripping over a bag but not falling. “No…you’ve done enough for me…us. You don’t need to—”
“I offered. You didn’t ask,” he said curtly, then he was clenching his molars together, acting as if he wanted to say something else, but he exited my room instead, leaving me with a kernel of hope in my chest that I didn’t want to take root. I couldn’t bear to face that appointment alone, and here he was offering to help me again. It made me feel warm and grateful. That feeling paired with the attraction I had to him,
and it was an impossibility that I wouldn’t allow myself to imagine.
I tugged the sweater around my belly, thankful I’d grabbed a ton of cozy maternity things for the upcoming winter. We didn’t always get winter in North Carolina in the same way other places did, but it was still unpredictable, and the temps still dipped, or it rained. Today it was raining, a miserable freezing sort of drizzle.
I’d been attending classes for over a month; October had crept in and suddenly there were pumpkins and harvest decorations all over the town. Fall was my favorite season, so I was giddy with excitement as I tugged on tall boots and wrapped myself in cozy sweaters. I was especially excited today because I’d received a call that the imaging center was able to schedule my ultrasound appointment.
I had done what Juan had suggested and set it up, ignoring all the flutters in my stomach about what could happen if I saw my bean up on the screen and fell in love with it…only to have it taken from me. I couldn’t dwell on it.
Walking around campus was starting to get difficult with my book bag and purse, so I decided at the last second to cut through the building instead of skirting around it. Overheated and a little annoyed, I tracked through the entire building and exited the opposite side, and then I halted. There across the quad, leaning against a lamp post, stood one of my father’s men. I knew it was him with his dark wool coat, the collar popped, and with the way his cold eyes moved, measuring each student that passed as a possible target.
I also knew if he was standing there, he already had me boxed in, and if I tried to run, they’d give chase. It was how my father’s wolves operated, and how they never lost an asset or a target. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I walked toward him, never more grateful for buying an oversized maternity sweater than I was in that moment. Seeing me straight on, especially covered in a charcoal sweater, it was hard to tell I was pregnant; it was the side profile I had to be wary of.
“Hercegnő,” the man muttered in Hungarian, chewing on a toothpick. Icy blue eyes assessed me while he relaxed against the post. He had at least a week’s worth of scruff along his neck and jaw.
“I’m no princess,” I bit back in a tone as cold as his gaze. “What does he want?”
“Your father wants to make sure you’re local,” he drawled, blue eyes flicking down my frame, “close by, and ready for Markos.” He adjusted the toothpick in his mouth. I wondered how many more pairs of eyes were watching us.
“I have until December.”
“You have until he says you do. Don’t forget who your father is, little bird.” The man chucked under my chin then turned and walked away.
I was fuming, my face heating and my chest burning. I knew he’d come; I’d known it for years and even more so as the time dripped slowly by, moving closer to my birthday. I knew and yet this man’s presence was like being shoved under water.
“Taylor.” Someone called my name, and I realized too late it was Juan, his hand wrapping around my elbow and tugging. “Who was that?” His dark brows caved in, those whiskey eyes flicking over my shoulder to where the man had disappeared.
“No one…just an old hookup.” I shrugged out of his hold and walked toward my car. I could feel my fortress of ice start to freeze in place once more, to protect more than just me. Juan could get hurt if I wasn’t careful.
“He’s a little old…why is he here?” Juan trailed after me.
He never used to ask me questions. I hated how far he’d unraveled within the span of just a few months.
“A professor.” It was a lie, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
Juan’s scoff skittered down my chest, darting into my heart like a bullet from a gun.
“Well did he upset you? You seem…” He assessed me, and he should have just saved himself the time.
“I’m fine. I need to go.” I slammed the car door and pulled away from the lot, refusing to see if Juan stood there watching. My heart galloped with panic, and my baby kicked as if aware that something was wrong.
What if another one of his men was sent and saw that I was pregnant? What if he decided to call me back sooner than my twenty-first birthday?
I sniffed, forcing the tears to stay at bay as I drove toward the opposite end of the city and headed back home to my mother and stepdad’s house. At least there, I wouldn’t have to face Juan, and if his men followed me, it wouldn’t endanger him.
Chapter Fourteen
Greying clouds overcrowded the sky, erasing any natural light that would normally pour in through the kitchen windows. It put me in a shitty mood. I might as well have been a fucking house plant for how much I loved the sun; it always made me feel better and more alive.
I continued chopping bell peppers, hating that I was curious if Taylor had taken her coat or not. I wondered about her more often than I should, and it was happening more frequently than I would ever admit.
I was so involved with chopping and worrying I didn’t even notice when the front door opened.
“Primo!” my cousin Hector yelled from the living room.
“In here.” I moved the peppers to a plate and started on the onions.
“Look at you, Martha fucking Stewart.” His laugh was muffled by his meaty palm coming up to smother it. I couldn’t help laughing with him. He could be goofy as fuck when he wanted to be, and I was sure I looked ridiculous wearing the apron over my suit. “Why you dressed so nice?”
I cut the vegetables, keeping my eyes on the knife in my hand and my curled fingers. “I had an interview with one of the head coaches for the Bears.” I looked up in time to see the blank look on my cousin’s face. “It’s another hockey team, up the coast a bit.”
“Oh…you know you’re set for life, even without lifting a finger. We’re here for you…Pops was talking the other night about how you’re supposed to be taking over.” Even though my cousin’s tone softened and his posture went lax, I snapped.
“I’m not fucking coming back.” Not to the outfit, not the family…none of it. I checked on my parents out of duty, and I checked on my little sister because if I didn’t, she’d end up as used as a communal toothbrush. She loved the attention of El Peligro and the lifestyle. Riding in low riders, packing, fighting, fucking, and stealing—she lived for it.
Hector stayed quiet for a second, his dark brows wrinkling while his hands came out in front of him.
“Why you here, anyway?” I dumped the onions into the sauté pan and began stirring.
“My dad told me to come over and make sure you knew about the panic button.”
I paused mid-stir and stared at him. “You fucking with me?”
His chest moved as laughter rolled through him; contagious, it filled my lungs as well.
“Serious, man…let me show you.” He stood and waited for me to follow.
Once I turned off the burner, I untied the cloth around my waist and followed him.
“Pops set it up for himself, because he was going to live here, until his new wife said she wanted to live closer to the shops.” Hector shifted left into the study and walked toward the massive desk in the middle of the room. Flicking his hand underneath, he suddenly froze.
His black tee didn’t seem to move an inch.
“Dude, you gotta come over here and see what I’m actually pressing.”
“How many buttons are under there?” I joked, moving closer and ducking down. Sure enough, there was a silver switch built into the sturdy wooden writing desk, along with a 9mm strapped underneath. “Well, I’ll be damned.”
“El Peligro is your family whether you want it or not…we’re here for you.”
I stood, watching my cousin with confusion.
“Is there something you know that I don’t? Some danger you happen to think I’m in?”
Our entire lives, Hector had never been a good liar, so long ago, he’d stopped trying. If he had to hide something, he’d kill first just to avoid having to spill it. But with family? He didn’t waste his time. He didn’t play poker, didn’t do anything at
all that could lead to him having to lie…so now, staring at him as he waited to tell me what he knew, I wasn’t sure why, or really how he was still hesitating.
His black lashes fluttered, his smile cracking as a small laugh erupted in his chest. His hand came up, slapping my shoulder as he headed back toward the front door.
“Not for you…but for who hangs around you.”
I turned, following him with my eyes. “Like Mallory?”
He reached the door and turned. “If you need us, hit that button, primo. That’s all I’m saying.” Then he was gone.
The interaction with Hector was still in my head as I headed to school. I stretched my fingers at my side so I wouldn’t be tempted to get my phone out of my pocket and double-check my messages. Taylor was supposed to notify me when she had the date for her ultrasound. I’d offered to go with her, mostly because it would just be a shitty thing to go to alone, but there was something deeper there I was ignoring, some desperate need to be included, involved, to experience that moment with her.
It was Thursday afternoon, a few days since that moment by the admin building where I saw her talking to some stranger. Her words had flung back at me like little rocks. There was something she wasn’t telling me, that much I knew…but I wasn’t sure what. It left me wondering who that man was. I noticed the smallest bit of a tattoo on his wrist when he moved his arm; it looked like something I’d seen in one of my history classes, something similar to the Turul bird from the creation myths from somewhere in Europe. The hardness of the man, the way his eyes looked at Taylor…it reminded me of the way the captains in El Peligro looked at one of their targets.
“Fuck it,” I muttered, hanging right toward a large pillar. It was past two in the afternoon, which meant Taylor was out of her classes and should have been leaving campus or already home. She’d been staying at her mom and Charlie’s off and on, and I didn’t fucking know why. I had decided to back off after she recoiled from me that night in her bed. I’d done my part in setting up distance for us, but now it seemed Taylor had decided to do her own thing, and I didn’t fucking like it. I wanted it to stop, and maybe when we went to the ultrasound together, it would.