by Ashley Munoz
“What if you don’t make it…do you have a backup plan in place?” Juan leaned forward, snagging an apple slice off my tray. His jaw worked in a delicious manner while he chewed. The light cutting through the tall windows in the cafeteria worked to his benefit, casting him in a glow too brilliant to handle.
I shrugged, grabbing for my water. “I’m prepping to finish classes online, so I guess that’s my backup plan.”
Juan’s eyes settled on me in a gentle way, silent and careful, almost like he was worried I’d catch the concern lining his sharp features. His whiskey eyes darted down to the tray, and his jaw clenched tight. People walked around our table, a few people casting glances in our direction. A small group of girls gathered in a cluster two tables over, and at least four of them kept glancing over with wide eyes and gasping shock.
“I think your friend is curious about this development,” I said, my eyes staying on the group of girls. I knew Angela, the girl who’d been in the locker room with him, was in the center of the cluster, but I wasn’t sure if Juan knew, or worse…if he cared.
He didn’t even turn around, and shit, it did something to my chest.
“Not worried about anyone in here but you.”
Then why wouldn’t he touch me? He was hard for me all the damn time; he just never did anything about it. It was so difficult to decipher his true feelings for me, but maybe there weren’t any left. Maybe he just felt duty-bound to protect a pregnant mother, and sometimes he got hard because I had a pair of boobs and a vagina.
Maybe there was nothing left but his concern for me as Mallory’s little sister.
I noticed his gaze hadn’t left mine, even while he ate my lunch.
“I think…” He dipped his head, which forced his hair to shift, and I found myself desperate to run my fingers through the glossy strands. “I think I should be seen with you here…Ivan is keeping tabs on you, so we need to make sure it seems like we’re together.”
My chest pinched tight. I guess that answered my question about whether Juan saw me as a duty or not. I knew it was ridiculous to ask that he see me as anything more, which was why he was still putting distance between us, but hurt found a way between my ribs anyway.
“What did you have in mind?” I ducked my head to hide my emotions.
Looking up just in time, I caught a smile displacing his furrowed brow and contemplative features. How could I not fall in love with him? It was impossible.
“Stand up,” he ordered, moving his own chair and grabbing his backpack.
I slowly stood, already knowing he’d grab my bag for me. Then before I had a chance to even catch my breath, his hands were around me, cradling my hip and bracing my jaw. His lips caught mine in a possessive move and he moved his head to the side, sliding his mouth against mine, leaving no room for anyone in the cafeteria to question our relationship or what it was we were doing. I returned the kiss with fervor, because I’d already been so desperate to feel his hands and lips on me again.
Tears nearly pricked my eyes as I leaned into his touch and met every sweep of his tongue with a fevered push of my own. He stood over me, his hand dragging up my spine until both cradled my head. It was the sort of kiss that would leave a mark forever. When I closed my eyes, I’d see the way his eyes shuttered with need before those lips landed on mine. When I slept at night, I’d dream of how good it felt to be held by him, to be owned and claimed in such a way.
Even if it wasn’t real for him, it would always be real when I remembered.
He broke the kiss with a heaving chest and wild eyes that burned for more. He wasn’t finished with me, and I hadn’t even begun with him.
Turning away, he threaded our fingers together and pulled me toward the exit so I’d make my next class. As we neared the door, I found a pair of angry blue eyes pointed at me. Holden stood watching with his jaw set and a furious expression clouding his face. I saw him but turned my head as if he was no one of consequence…because ultimately, he wasn’t. He’d made his decision, and now I was making one so that his daughter would survive.
“You seem off,” Juan said, coming up behind me.
His fingers ghosted over my hips before they were buried in his pockets. I was off because as much as I wanted to do the right thing and keep distance between us, it was absolutely killing me. The sexual tension was getting so insufferable that I had straight up almost humped the arm of the couch the other night. I felt like an animal in heat.
Juan would rub my shoulders, my feet, and my calves, would braid my hair…he was always touching me but never doing anything more. We hadn’t shared any more kisses since the school cafeteria, and while we shared a bed each night, he kept it platonic. He held me, wrapped his arms around me, but nothing more.
I missed going out and doing my own thing too. I missed freedom and being able to just pick up and go to the store when I wanted without worrying about who was with me and which guard was assigned to me. I missed Fatima, but complaining that I was being guarded and kept safe would only prove how much of a spoiled brat I was. Juan had risked everything for me, and here I was ready to just whine at the first hint of boredom.
In an attempt to stay busy, I’d cook with Juan, watch television, read, prep the baby stuff…or I’d sulk. Today, it seemed I was destined to sulk.
“I want to go to the store to grab a few things.” I let out a sigh.
Juan stood like a statue behind me, breathing warmly on my neck. I wondered what he thought of this entire thing. I knew he was still taking interviews for hockey; he just didn’t seem to want to tell me. I also knew Angela kept calling and texting him. His phone was always going off with notifications, and even if he didn’t read them or spend time looking at them, it bothered me that he wasn’t just blocking her.
Why should he though? His relationship with me wasn’t real…he kept putting up walls, and so did I, for the sake of this stupid charade, or for the sake of our own hearts. I just wanted it to end, but I hadn’t quite connected the dots yet for how that would happen without involving Juan.
“Can I come with you?”
I turned, facing this man my heart had latched onto with such a ferocious grip. “Of course.”
We drove to the store, and I walked hand in hand with Juan to the baby section, where my friend was working.
Fatima was using a scanner gun on a few items when we found her, and as soon as her brown eyes landed on mine, a smile crept up her beautiful face.
“Hey.” I smiled awkwardly at her, feeling a little insecure about my fragile new friendship.
“Oh my gosh, hey…I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” Fatima walked forward and hugged me with one arm.
Once we broke away, she looked down at my belly and pressed her hand against my side. My daughter kicked right away, causing another smile to light up my friend’s features.
“You’re getting so big, oh my goodness. You have to be almost ready to pop, right?”
I rubbed a hand down my belly. “A couple more weeks.”
Right around my birthday, when I was supposed to be sold off to Markos. That fate still felt like it could happen, as if it were lingering in the back of my life like a storm cloud.
“Well tell me everything—how did the appointment go?” Fatima’s eyes went big as she took in the man who stood behind me.
“It went fine. Hey, this is Juan. He’s the…” I started, unsure how to word the lie just right so she didn’t think I had been dishonest with her.
“I’m the dad.” Juan held out his hand, and she shook it, all while her eyes stayed wide, her arched brows dancing near her hairline.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you. Sorry we didn’t wait for you when we registered…Taylor didn’t tell me.”
He waved her off. “No, it’s fine.”
Fatima eyed me again, silently begging me to explain, but I’d have to wait until I had her alone.
“Well, here…” She walked over to a pillar that seemed to have a small register built int
o it. “You can look up everything she registered for here, so you’re at least in the loop.”
A slow and steady smile worked its way across Juan’s mouth, and I nearly gripped his face and kissed him. “Thank you, this is great.”
“I have to head to the back for a bit, but Taylor, call me and we will catch up.” Fatima hugged me once more and gave me another silent look that told me I owed her a conversation.
“She’s nice,” Juan said, waiting for the sheets to print off.
“She’s the best…hey, you know we can just look it up online, right?” I pointed at the pages printing. God, how much stuff did I register for?
He smiled again, gathering the stack in his hands. “Yeah, but this is fun too.”
My stupid heart perked up at his excitement and decided to flipflop around in my chest as Juan walked with me, looking for each item like we were in some life-sized version of an I Spy book. He’d pick up each item, turn it over in his hands, and ask what it did. Currently, we were on a somewhat outdated nose aspirator with a bulbous end and long, narrowed nose.
“Stop laughing at me,” he whispered, setting the package back on the shelf.
I wheezed, halfway bent over, tears welling in my eyes. “You thought it went…” I couldn’t even say it.
“Why is it shaped like that then?” Juan argued, moving down the aisle to the nursing pillows.
“Because it goes up their nose!” I choked.
His eyes darted around, making sure no one heard. “Why would anyone need this much nipple shit—isn’t it pretty straightforward with all that?” He eyed my chest, and I couldn’t fight the smile erupting. I pushed his shoulder like we were flirting, and when the side of his mouth screwed up, I couldn’t help but relax into the sensation.
He’d been climbing my walls day by day, metaphorically of course, but it was getting so hard to keep him out, to keep it clear that he was supposed to stay safe on the other side and I was supposed to find a small crack to somehow crawl back to a different fate, one where my father couldn’t reach my daughter and I kept him safe.
“So, do you feel ready to have her?” We walked, still eyeing the different baby items, half of which I had no idea what they did, and even the nursing question I wasn’t sure about. I figured it would be straightforward, but what did I know?
My finger brushed across a bottle set. “I think so…”
“You are.” His eyes sparked with something I couldn’t name. “I can tell.”
My face heated under his praise, and I loved the warm sensation moving through my chest. However, a shrug was my only response because I wasn’t sure how to respond to the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.
“What are your plans after she comes, after graduation?”
We walked to where the highchairs and little bouncer seats were on display. I fidgeted with buttons so he wouldn’t see how blank my expression must have turned.
I cleared my throat, trying to stay positive. “Not sure. Just getting through the delivery first…you know, and everything.” The deal, the getting free…the not leaving behind the people I loved just to be safe thing. “How about you?” I moved around until I could see his face in case he tried my tactic.
The shrug gave him away. “Just enjoying the moment for now.”
His smile settled on me soft and slow, light as a caressing feather. I returned it, letting our eyes feast, climb, and devour…we seemed to thrive in the in-between, where no words were needed. I knew what he wanted to say, and I knew why he wouldn’t say them. It was the same reason I turned away and gave a pained sigh.
Longing. We were both longing for what we wished could be but knew would never happen.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The weather had turned unusually warm, and while I was perfectly content with using the air conditioning in the house, the poor guys walking the perimeter asked for a break in the pool. Taylor thought it was a great idea and suggested we do a big pool day where there were nachos and margaritas for everyone. She went on and on about services we could call to cater both things and how we could even get a DJ for the party.
It was easy to see the old Taylor, the one who partied all four years of college and who had numerous flings and boyfriends at her beck and call. While that girl used to drive me insane, it was nice to see little glimpses of her every now and then, especially when she’d smile in my direction or run her hands over my shoulders while walking past me. It seemed like an absentminded movement, like she wasn’t even thinking about it.
Our previous evenings where we watched television together had resumed, which made me happier than I could afford to be. She’d bring down one of her books and settle in between my legs, even if I was watching hockey or sports. She wouldn’t even ask, and I realized I had started just opening my arms on instinct, expecting her to crawl into my lap. Occasionally she’d seem like she wanted to say something, or even do something…but she’d just settle for sitting in my lap and then snuggle into me. Other times, she’d come downstairs with wet hair, and I’d immediately start pulling her strands into a braid.
At night, by the time I got to my room, Taylor was fast asleep. She was usually snoring, and most of the time, I’d just stand there and watch her like a freak, but it was hard to believe she was with me…in my home, in my bed, curling under my arm at night and resting her face against my chest. I was already infatuated with her, but it had always been mixed with a little bit of resentment for what she’d done to me that day in her apartment when she said she thought I was Holden. I still hadn’t gotten over that shit. It still burned in ways I was too ashamed to talk about.
I considered that it was the reason I kept my hands to myself at night. It wasn’t easy, especially when Taylor would wake up in the middle of the night, horny and uncomfortable. She’d excuse herself to the bathroom, and I’d hear the shower turn on, or occasionally the bath. I knew she wanted me to touch her, like I did the day of her ultrasound, but I couldn’t help but realize the walls she’d begun to put up the minute we started driving home. She was always letting me in, only to push me out a second later…and I was doing the same back, just to feel safe. Even still, my resolve was beginning to crumble.
I tried to push those thoughts down as I walked out toward the patio. I could already hear the guys splashing and joking around with each other. Taylor must have been out there too since she wasn’t in the room when I came out of the closet after changing into my swim shorts. The sun nearly blinded me as I joined the twelve or so different guys jumping in and out of the pool. A small group of them were huddled toward the ledge, grouped around something…or someone. Most of them had drinks in their hands. One of them tipped his back, creating an opening in the circle, and that was where I found Taylor.
Seated on the ledge, kicking her legs in the water, she had a pair of large sunglasses on her nose and that same fucking bikini I’d told her didn’t fit her anymore. No wonder the guys were all huddled around her with that belly, that protruding belly button, and those full tits barely concealed by the scrap of fabric. Shit, the guys were likely salivating…but they knew she was mine. Why the fuck were they around her?
I picked up my pace, grabbing a few towels on my way to where she was sitting. There was a basketball resting on the concrete, near the pool house, so I bent to grab it then tossed it toward the group. It splashed behind them, getting their backs wet and making them all turn to see who’d thrown it.
“Move.”
Their eyes went wide as they must have realized their fuck-up, especially when I walked behind Taylor and tossed a towel over her chest and lap.
“Hey, what are you…” Taylor started, but I wasn’t listening.
“The fuck are you guys doing?” I crouched down to get eye level with my men. Three of them had already gotten the hint and swam away. Two of them remained, one of them standing way too fucking close to Taylor for my liking.
“You said you didn’t need to claim her…which means she’s free game. I
see no ink on your chest, boss.”
I stood, pushing my foot into his torso until he was flopping back in the water.
“Hey,” Taylor whined, protecting her face from the splash.
I bent low again to look her in the eye. “And you, what did we talk about? I’m pretty sure you said you wouldn’t wear this”—I put my finger under the thin black strap at her neck—“again.”
She tipped her glasses up, resting them on her head. Her blonde locks were wrapped in a messy-looking bun, allowing little tendrils to tickle her neck. Her freckles were on display from her not wearing any makeup. She looked like home, like the rest of my life, and my chest did a pathetic thump at the image: her in the pool while our kids splashed around us, me holding a baby gently and carefully to shield them from the water. I wanted an entire herd of kids with Taylor, starting with the one currently in her belly.
“You said a bunch of bullshit then I stripped in front of you…should I do that again?” Those pink lips twisting into a smirk created a problem for my board shorts. Over my dead fucking body would she be doing that little routine out here.
“Get out of the water, Taylor.”
She leaned back onto her palms, giving me a better view of those tits straining against the flimsy bathing suit. “Why?”
Even her asking was too much pushback for me as the leash on my control began to fray.
Bending down, I scooped her up in my arms then headed toward the pool house. Hector saw me coming, so he opened the slider for us, and Taylor waved at him, giggling under her breath.