“You and your fixation on Japan! But I haven’t eaten sushi in a long time.”
“Is that a yes?”
“OK.”
Sometimes luck was on Jason’s side—even though expectations always lead to disappointment. To go into the world outside wasn’t exactly as cool as it sounded, and for once he’d taken his pills because he didn’t want to confront Annie with fear-addled eyes and attacks of paranoia. Though he thought her skeleton was way sexy, he liked her lovely outer form so much more. Still, he had a feeling that the whole world was staring at him. When there was laughter, they were laughing at him. Mankind hated him in any case. He turned up the volume on his MP3 player. ‘Koi no Fuga’ would save him, give him the strength to walk proudly through the streets. Thank you Kago-chan, thank you Tsuji-chan!
*
Annie didn’t like people giving her flowers, but he didn’t want to arrive at her house empty-handed either. He found it surprising how few green spaces existed in large cities and how few daisies… but after a twenty-minute search he found some.
Despite the detour he arrived fifteen minutes early.
He rang the doorbell.
“Yes?”
“It’s me, Jason.”
“Do you want to come up, or wait downstairs?”
“I’d rather come up.”
The door buzzed.
Jason went upstairs to the first floor. She had opened up her apartment door. He walked in.
“I’m still in the bath. I’ll be there in a moment.”
A pretty, neat, small apartment. Bookcase, bed, writing desk, chest, TV.
She came out of the bathroom.
“I know you don’t like flowers, but…” Jason held out the daisy he’d picked.
“Oh.” She smiled and took it. Her fingers were warm to the touch. “Thanks!”
By all appearances she liked it, and she looked beautiful, thought Jason.
“You look great.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I leave my backpack here?”
“Sure.”
Good, he thought. That gave him good reason to come back upstairs after dinner.
They went to Tsukamoto’s Sushi-Bar, skipped the counter chairs where the sushi streamed by like little boats on a river, and took one of the booths instead, where they had some space for themselves.
“It’s a good thing,” Annie said, “that you suggested this.”
Jason was glad. He decided against the sushi and went for the tempura.
“Because I’ve got something to tell you,” she said.
She had something to tell him! That meant she’d also been thinking about him in private; she’d only been waiting for the right moment, until they were finally alone. Maybe she loved him. Maybe he could move in with her; she would look after him, he’d probably get well real soon in her care.
Jason smiled at her.
The food arrived.
Jason broke apart the chopsticks and balanced them out on his hand. He still needed some practice.
“Stefan…” Annie began.
Stefan?
“You know, my boyfriend, I’m sure I’ve mentioned him…”
Jason couldn’t remember. But she probably wanted to tell him that she was going to leave the guy for Jason. So there was no need to get excited, everything was cool; it was fine. He gulped down some cola.
“Well, Stefan has finally found a place in Mannheim, which we both like.”
Jason put his glass down.
“Good for him,” he said. “At least he’ll be fine, alone like that.”
How far was Mannheim from here? Jason guessed four, five hundred kilometers. Far enough.
Chou, chou, chou ii kanji, he sang inwardly, and felt how a wave of positive energy washed through his body.
“To cut a long story short,” Annie took a deep breath, “I’m moving to Mannheim next week.”
Jason tried to stay relaxed. His face froze in the attempt not to show any sadness. The piece of tempura he’d just picked up in one deft motion, slipped from the chopsticks and splashed into the soya sauce, which slopped over half the table.
“Oops!” he said, “I still need to practice.”
“It means Friday is my last day.”
Five days. How long had she known? The letter of resignation and all that… it couldn’t have gone that fast.
Jason had lost his appetite, but at least he wasn’t showing the pain that was slowly eating its way up into his chest from his stomach. What was he supposed to do now? Annie was the last hold he had on life, aside from Kago-chan, who was running around somewhere in Japan; the chances of meeting her one day were nearly zero. Annie was his dream woman and here, at least for the moment.
“Let’s take a walk,” she said.
*
“OK, people!” Georgia charged into the room; as always she was yelling. “Time for your morning exercises!”
Groans went up all around, but were quickly suppressed when Georgia’s expression clouded. “Get in line!”
They sorted themselves in rows, from tallest to shortest.
“What are we listening to today?” Georgia spoke this in a normal tone, but only because the words were directed at herself.
Jason tried to make a suggestion. “‘Renai Revolution’ by Morning Musume! Chou chou chou ii kanji…” he sang the last words. “Let’s imbue ourselves with the strength and warmth of the Japanese superheroes!”
Georgia turned in his direction with a brief look of utter confusion then remembered where she was.
“Nothing, revolution!” she barked. “We’ll have something decent. Wildecker Herzbuben!”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Uwe broke out of his row and walked straight into the wall.
“Psychological torture this early in the morning!” Jason dropped to the floor where he stood. “We should send Kago Ai mail.”
“What was that?” Frank sat down next to him.
“At least there are still superheroes in Japan. I’m sure Kago-chan would help us.”
Frank ruefully shook his head.
“If Friday is Annie’s last day,” Jason told his friend, “then we should do something special, don’t you think?”
“You still like her?”
“Fine, I might have made a mistake with her; she’s a lot less genuine than I first thought, but we could at least do something for the memory of the image I had of her, that’s to say, what she could have been…” He got all tangled up in his sentence. “You know.”
“What?”
“A concert.”
“They’ll never allow it.”
“Like Johnny Cash in jail.”
*
One might not believe how many ex-musicians, pros and amateurs there are in a loony bin. It took Jason barely an hour to put together a band made up of electronic-specialists, three strings, a drummer, bassist, guitarist and two wind instruments. Jason had picked out three pieces they would cover. This time he didn’t want to fall back on J-pop, but rather on his own musical background. All three pieces were by Foetus. First was ‘Miracle’; he let himself be inspired by the Jay Wasco Remix and Jason staked a great deal on the opening lines, “I need my medicine today”, and the cry for a salvation in the second verse: “I need a miracle today.” Besides, he enjoyed the polyphonic effect of the song in some places, which he wanted to emphasize.
After that came ‘Not in Your Hands’; the pathetic middle part would surely speak of his despair and the theremin of the loneliness and emptiness that Annie’s departure would leave behind. The closing piece would be ‘Sieve’; with the line, “I got no reason to live”, it would hopefully put him on the safe side…
Archangel Michael thought it was a grand idea. He also didn’t expect much from the patients; he was possibly thinking of a retirement home choir rehearsing a bunch of folk songs when he gave his approval. Because of this false impression, Jason and his cohorts could rehearse uninterrupted. They were even excused from the daily exercises l
ike occupational therapy—after all, they were occupying themselves.
*
All things considered, Jason thought the concert went quite well. ‘Miracle’ led to confusion and awe; ‘Not in Your Hands’ made sure there was a healthy dose of depression going around; Miss C withdrew from the hall. And ‘Sieve’ was interrupted in the climax by the orderlies because Jason, in his excitement, had kicked a chair aside, at which point all mayhem broke loose as the spectators and musicians started tearing the place apart. Jason and a few of the other patients who’d been particularly unruly got solitary confinement, were even fixed to their beds for the first few days and sedated with drugs.
*
“That was quite something,” said Archangel Michael. Jason couldn’t care less what the idiot thought. In his opinion, the concert had been a roaring success. Jason had expressed his feelings. That they’d pumped him so full of drugs afterward that he didn’t know whether Annie had said goodbye or not angered him. He didn’t want to ask Michael about it, but he had to find out, so he had little choice.
Michael only smiled in response. “You shouldn’t read so much into the world,” was all he said. And then, “Did you think your night out eating sushi meant something?”
*
“What happened, how did Annie’s farewell go?”
Frank serenely looked up from his book. “Michael pushed a bunch of flowers into her hand and pressed a pitiful kiss on her cheek; that was it.”
“She hates it when someone gives her flowers,” Jason said, and thought that Michael didn’t just give her the flowers to do what one does on occasions like that, but to create an opportunity to kiss her on the cheek.
Jason felt anger rise up in him but forced it back down before one of the orderlies noticed anything. He was under observation, after all. And any further incidents would only lead to more sedatives.
*
“Would you want to walk up the hill with me?” Miss C had approached him unnoticed. She wanted Jason to accompany her to the park. He never thought she had that much initiative.
“I’m feeling a little weak today,” he said.
“Come on,” she took him by the hand and began to walk.
Jason allowed her to drag him along. It felt good. When they arrived at the top of the hill, he didn’t let go of her hand. She hesitated for a moment then took it back. They both smiled, one of Miss C’s eyes peeked out from behind her fringe. The sun began to set.
Miss C!
Jason became agitated.
Agitated, agitated!
She wore a scar on her soul, a black thing on white skin—like the blue stars she liked so much and which she had tattooed on the inside of her thigh. Yes, he’d seen them.
“I really like you,” she said and Jason tried to run away. He wanted none of it. No, he liked Miss C. He was nuts about her. But there was Annie to think about, and her dark laughter…
How was he supposed to deal with it, that someone liked him? Oh sweet Jesus!
Gingerbread horses, he thought.
Miss C was getting more and more confused. She looked like a Tim Burton Pippi Longstocking.
“Lots,” she said as an afterthought.
“Gingerbread horses,” Jason said, just to say something.
She knew that he liked her; did he really have to say it again? There was no need to go overboard. But just to be sure he took a step closer. She leaned against his frail chest. He put an arm around her.
“Lots ’n’ lots ’n’ lots,” she whispered.
They dissolved from each other. He brushed the beautiful strands of hair from her cheeks and gave her a careful kiss on her attractive white skin. She’d earned it.
“Wow,” Jason said. “Ten years…”
She understood. Ten years since he’d last kissed a woman, not even an innocent peck on the cheek in that time.
She held him tight.
“Gingerbread horses,” he sobbed.
*
The next day he received a letter from Miss C.
“I like you very, very much. You actually have everything I’ve been looking for…”
Nice, Jason thought. But what did she mean by ‘actually’?
“What’s that you have there?” Georgia could be nosy when she wanted to.
Jason hid the piece of paper.
“Give it to me!”
“It’s private.”
For a moment, Jason’s answer stole her breath away, but he was too slow to use the moment and make a break for it.
“There isn’t anything like a private life for patients…”
“Flagrant fascism!”
“It’s for your own good!”
“And tomorrow you’ll put up cameras everywhere!” Someone tapped Jason’s shoulder. Frank.
“Take a look over there.” Frank pointed at the front corner of the recreation room. A camera. “They’ve been watching us forever, my friend.”
Georgia tore Jason’s letter from his hands. It didn’t matter anyway; it wasn’t signed or anything.
Georgia laughed derisively. “Where did this come from?”
Jason weighed up if he should grab a chair and give her a thrashing.
“Hey, I’m speaking with you. Who sent this?”
“It’s none of your business!”
A murmur went around the room.
“You don’t speak to me in that tone!”
“You talk to me in that tone all the time!”
“Because I can.”
“Why? I never gave you the right.”
“That’s it! You’re getting a week’s confinement!”
“Kiss my ass!”
Georgia stormed from the room.
“Annie…” Jason sighed.
“They’re spinning me out,” said Miss C.
“Who?”
“Crazy spiders, thick black hunting spiders; they’re sneaky! Always dropping on you when you don’t expect it.”
Jason reached up and touched the bald patch on his head. He knew what Miss C meant, it had happened to him all too often.
“You should hide,” Frank said. “Before she gets back.”
Miss C stepped up to him. “Annie is the Queen of the Spiders.”
“Now you’re going a little too far,” Jason said. Was she jealous? Anyway, there was Annie’s dark laughter to think about. “It’s more like Georgia is the Spider Queen.”
“Elves have ears like you,” said Miss C.
Good, he thought. Change of topic.
“And you’ve got Murakami-ears.” She liked that. Finally Jason could understand why Murakami went on and on about girls who had the most beautiful ears in the world. Miss C was one of them.
“Let’s go to the canteen,” he said.
But she didn’t want to; she wanted to go to her room. Alone.
Georgia came back, accompanied by two orderlies.
“Please don’t say anything,” Miss C whispered in his direction before skipping away, hands clutched to her breast, hair covering her eyes.
Actually, Jason thought, she’s pretty fake! Oh, Kago…
*
They’d probably try waterboarding next, maybe electroshocks? However, Jason refused to give in. Maybe he shouldn’t have bitten Georgia’s hand, but he didn’t want to get chained to his bed again. He hated not even being able to scratch himself.
In the meantime, a demonstration had been building in the park outside. Though one of the orderlies had closed the window, Jason could still hear the battle cries outside.
“Free Jason!” “Privacy for patients!”
Michael walked into the room, looking nervous.
“What am I supposed to do with you?”
“Untying me would be a good start,” Jason said.
“And then?”
“Leave us alone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Recognize our privacy; don’t waste our time with meaningless activity hours…”
“It’s ergotherapy.
It costs a lot of money.”
“Even more reason to get rid of it, or make it voluntary…”
“Voluntary?” Michael laughed uncertainly.
He injected Jason with a sedative and untied him.
“Tell me something,” he said, “since it didn’t work out with you and Annie, did you at least bang that little black-haired babe?”
“That’s something I definitely wouldn’t tell you!”
“So you didn’t. Buddy, you sure missed out.”
At that moment the sedatives kicked in, otherwise Jason would have tried to break in Michael’s skull with the bed. Instead, he began to drool all over himself. Michael led him to the balcony on the first floor, in front of which the patients had assembled on the lawn below.
“Dear patients,” Michael called to them and lifted his arms until they fell quiet. “I can sympathize with you; let’s talk about this peacefully.” He gave Jason a friendly pat on the shoulder. “Everything is fine,” he continued. “We haven’t done anything to our Jason. See for yourselves, here he is. And Nurse Georgia overreacted a little. I’ve already spoken to her. Something like that won’t happen again. Please calm down. We just want the best for you.”
Jason’s legs buckled and he fell forward, long strings of saliva hanging from his mouth.
A fresh commotion broke out, with patients grabbing everything they could lay their hands on and throwing it at the windows.
Unbeknownst to them, the orderlies had been bringing in water hoses and straightjackets. They cooled down the mutiny, singling out ringleaders whom they quickly wrapped up in the jackets.
Suddenly there was a change in the mood. Someone screamed; everyone froze and all eyes turned up to the roof. Miss C! She stood up there, her fringe hanging down over her eyes, the wind playing with her hair. Jason tried to focus on her, but the harder he tried the more things blurred. His brain was working too slow to realize what was happening. He knew it was something dangerous; something that was important to him was about to disappear from his life, same as Annie, his parents, pets, friends—the meaning of his life. But he couldn’t grasp what it was. He believed he could hear Miss C’s voice, see how her lips formed words, but it could just as well have been an illusion when she said, “Shabondama.”
A collective cry went up, a sound like a bag of potatoes being dropped on the lawn. Silence. An unending silence. It went on forever until somewhere a whispering started. Jason struggled to his knees, noticing how tears were running down his numb face. He couldn’t catch his breath; he wanted to die. He began to black out. His last thought was: away, I need to get away from here!
Dadaoism (An Anthology) Page 34