by Erica Lee
“Yeah. Excuse me?” I repeated.
Jamie nonchalantly patted me on the knee. “Sorry, babe. I know we agreed that we would wait until the whole family was together for the big MIller Family Reunion picnic, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’ve been dying to tell them this whole time.”
Before I could even fathom how to respond to this blow, Mrs. Miller had jumped out of her seat and was standing behind us, pulling us both into a big hug. “Oh, this is just so wonderful. Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course you can stay together. You should have told us earlier.” She took a step back and began rubbing her hands together in excitement. “We have so much to do. We need to dedicate what little time you have left here to planning.”
“Sounds great,” I answered as enthusiastically as possible.
“Yep. Just great,” Charlie sneered before pushing herself away from the table and rushing out of the room.
Even with this commotion, the smile never left Mrs. Miller’s face. “Would you look at that? She’s so happy that she’s overcome with emotion. Isn’t that sweet?”
“So sweet.” My voice was filled with sarcasm that I knew only Jamie would pick up on. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to go talk to her.” I didn’t wait for permission as I stood from the table, glaring at Jamie one last time before walking away.
After a short search, I found Charlie sitting by the lake. I sat down beside her and attempted to put my arm around her, but she quickly pulled away from my touch.
“Just so you know, I had no idea your brother was going to pull that,” I sighed.
“You were quick to agree though, weren’t you?” When Charlie turned to look at me, I could see the wetness on her cheeks from her tears and all I wanted to do was reach out and brush them all away. “Less than a week left together and you go along with my brother’s ass-hat plan. I barely see you anymore because you’re constantly attached to him. Our nights are all we have left, and now you’ve given them up.”
My frustration grew with her lack of understanding. “My hands were tied, Charlie. What was I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know, Reagan! Maybe tell them you aren’t actually engaged.”
I could feel myself getting angry in response. “And who would that help? Calling out your brother could screw all of us over.”
“Is this really about me, or is it all about protecting him?”
“Do you really want to know what this is about? It’s about the fact that you and your brother are so goddamn afraid of your parents that you can’t even live your lives. You’re adults, for God’s sake. Maybe you should start acting like it. You two are willing to alienate everyone else in your lives in order to make the two people happy who don’t even really know you. It’s actually pathetic.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I cringed at myself. I was angry, and while there was a lot of truth to what I was saying, I didn’t have to be so harsh.
“You told me you were okay with the fact that I wasn’t out to them. If you can’t accept it, I don’t think there is any way this can work.”
“I guess not.” I stood and began to walk away, unable to stay and watch something that was so good fall apart in front of me.
“Maybe my brother was right,” Charlie yelled from behind me. “Maybe I was just another conquest for you.”
Her jab stopped me dead in my tracks and my voice shook as I spoke my reply. “No, Charlie. Don’t you dare say that. I didn’t want to like you. I didn’t want to feel that pull that was impossible to ignore. I’ve gone for straight girls in the past because I like easy, not because I have anything to prove. I was able to have my fun, then move on. There was nothing easy about falling for you. It’s been real and raw and beautiful. You can say whatever you want about me, but don’t you dare downplay how special this thing between us is. Or I guess I should say, was.” I walked away without waiting to hear what else she had to say.
Instead of walking back toward the house, I followed the path of the lake. My movements were stopped when a hand wrapped around my arm.
“Listen, Reagan—” Jamie began, but I whipped around on him before he could continue.
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say right now. What you just pulled in there was insane. Your sister has struggled just as much as you have with being gay, but instead of acknowledging that and just talking to her, you refuse to accept what’s right in front of you because it doesn’t fit within this perfect box that you made up in your mind. You’re no better than your parents.”
“I can’t believe you just said that,” Jamie choked out through his tears.
Honestly, I couldn’t either, but I was too angry to take them back. “It looks like we’re all saying things we shouldn’t,” I stated flatly. “Also, there’s no way I’m staying in your room, so have fun explaining to your mom why I’m sleeping on the couch.”
***
By Friday night, I wasn’t sure what hurt more—my back, my pride, or my heart. If there was anything more uncomfortable than the Miller’s family room couch, it was trying to plan a fake wedding with an overzealous “mother-in-law” and two people you’re barely speaking to. In all of our years of friendship, Jamie and I never really fought. Living together meant we were snippy with each other over stupid issues like dishes and taking out the trash, but nothing had ever been bad enough to keep us from talking.
That should have been enough to convince me it was for the best that things had blown up between Charlie and me. But it wasn’t. Not even close. Anytime she was within five feet of me, I could feel her presence. It felt like she had crawled inside of me and I couldn’t shake her if I tried. All I wanted to do was touch her, even just one more time. I wanted to feel her body against mine and fully appreciate the weight of the moment, knowing how quickly it can all be ripped away.
All I had at this point were memories. The memories that were currently haunting me and keeping me from falling asleep. After rolling around for what felt like hours, I forced myself to close my eyes, hoping if I pretended to be asleep, it might actually happen.
As I started to drift to sleep, I could have sworn I felt the touch I had been longing for. I refused to open my eyes, hoping to fall further into this dream. The touch moved up my arm, then across my face, until I actually imagined fingers running through my hair.
“God, Reagan, why do you have to be so damn perfect?” a soft voice whispered.
That voice. It wasn’t playing inside my mind. It wasn’t a dream. It was the sound of someone who was leaning in close to me. Someone very real. My eyes snapped open just in time to see Charlie stumble backward.
“Shit,” she stammered. “This probably looks really creepy. I couldn’t sleep, so I came down to grab a snack and noticed you on the couch. You just looked so peaceful lying there, and I couldn’t resist. I couldn’t stand not touching you.” She shook her head in frustration. “Wow, that really didn’t help me seem any less creepy.” I couldn’t help staring at her as she continued to ramble, not fully convinced that this wasn’t just a dream. I watched her stand and pause to look down at me for a moment. “I’m really, really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’ll go now.”
She turned around, but I reached out and grabbed her wrist before she could get away. I pulled her back to me, tugging her onto me so our lips could collide. And with that simple contact, all of my pain from the last few days drifted away. I forced myself to break the connection, so I could look into her eyes. “I couldn’t stand not touching you either.”
***
It didn’t take long for Charlie to lead me back to her room, but much to my surprise, she didn’t immediately push me onto the bed. Instead, she kept hold of my hand as she closed and locked the door behind us, then directed me toward the bed, but kept us upright. “I have a lot I want to say to you, but if it’s okay, I’d also like to show you.” She tentatively placed her hand at the bottom of my shirt as a way of asking for permission.
I nodded my head, swallowing hard as I considered th
e implications of that statement. Charlie slowly lifted my shirt, running her hands over my stomach and bra along the way. Once it was completely removed, she tossed it to the side, again allowing her hands to explore my bare skin.
“Is this okay?” I asked, bringing my trembling hand to her shirt.
A slight smirk settled onto Charlie’s face. “Of course, Reagan. You don’t need to ask. I know I’m taking the lead here, but this moment isn’t just about me. Or you. It’s about both of us together.”
That was all I needed to hear. I quickly removed both her shirt and bra, then allowed my eyes to roam over the body I had missed so badly these past few days.
Charlie knelt in front of me so she could spread kisses across my stomach, grabbing onto my hips as a way to anchor both of us. She worked her way up until she reached my bra, standing back up so she could slip it off of me. She started to speak as her fingers worked diligently. “Growing up, I did everything I could to make my parents proud. They were the type of parents who loved to give out praises, and the more I received, the more I wanted.” She kissed my neck as her hands explored my body. “I blame that on the whole twin thing. People have this innate need to constantly compare twins. Who is smarter? Who is friendlier? Who is funnier? Their praises helped me feel like I was measuring up.”
I tried my best to stay focused on her words, but it was hard as her hand slipped down to the waistline of my boxer shorts and just barely skimmed below the surface, causing my whole body to shudder.
“But somewhere along the line, what made them proud was different from what made me happy.” One hand remained at my waistline, while the other ran up and down my side. “I remember the first time a boy asked me to a dance. I was in eighth grade. I said yes because all of my friends had dates. My mom acted like I had won some big academic award.”
Charlie’s hands moved to the bottom of my boxer shorts and she pulled them down at an agonizingly slow pace, digging her fingers into my legs as she went. “When high school came, I got into a pattern of dating guys because that’s what I was supposed to do, but I never let the relationships get past a date or two, until eleventh grade.” I stepped out of my boxer shorts, which were now at my feet, and moaned as Charlie kissed her way back up my legs, placing just one lone kiss over my underwear. “That’s when I started dating my one and only boyfriend and also the year I had sex for the first time.”
Charlie stood so she was back at eye level with me and pushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear, before leaning in to whisper. “I promise I’m going somewhere with all of this.” She stared into my eyes for just a moment, before placing a light kiss on my lips. “It was awful. It felt so wrong, and I cried afterward. I knew there was something missing, and in the back of my mind, I knew exactly what that was. I noticed the way my heart beat in response to some of the girls in my class, but being gay was wrong. That’s all I had heard my whole life. At home. In school. At church. So, I kept dating him. Tried to convince myself that I was just a late bloomer.”
I moved my hands down Charlie’s body, taking in every curve and the way her breath hitched when I touched sensitive areas. When I reached her pajama pants, I pulled them down just as slowly as she had with mine, relishing the way her leg muscles tightened at the touch of my hands. Once they were removed, I kissed along the bottom of her stomach, before standing back up so she could continue her story.
“Near the end of senior year, I dumped him, using the excuse of us going to different colleges. I’ve honestly never felt so relieved in my entire life.” Charlie ran a finger along my jawline, then placed her hand under my chin. “That summer before college, I kissed one of my friends, and it was life-changing. Not that it was a mind-blowing kiss by any means. I’ve had much better.” She gave me a telling half-smile. “But for once, it didn’t feel wrong. Kissing a girl was sweet and sensual and everything I had been searching for.” Keeping her hand on my chin, she leaned in and finally kissed me.
I ran my tongue along her bottom lip, unable to wait any longer. When our tongues met, it was everything Charlie had just described—sweet, sensual, and everything I was searching for.
I was disappointed when Charlie pulled away, but that disappointment was replaced with desire as she once again kissed her way down my body. This time, she did push me back onto the bed, so just my legs were hanging off. Her mouth reached my underwear and she used her teeth to remove them.
“God, Charlie,” I gasped, barely able to control my breathing.
She pointed toward the middle of the bed and removed her own underwear, as I scooted onto the bed, positioning myself against the pillows at the head. She crawled into bed and placed her body on top of mine, kissing me one more time. My hips instinctually rolled up against hers, causing both of us to let out a guttural moan. Charlie lifted an eyebrow, then removed her body from mine, leaving one hand draped across my stomach. “It’s not time yet, my dear.”
She began to trace patterns along my abdomen as she continued to speak. “I knew from that moment if I wanted to be happy, I had to embrace this part of me. Luckily, going to school in California, that was easy to do. But that’s when I started living a double life. At school, I was an out and proud lesbian, but at home, I was still that scared girl, hiding in the closet, trying to make my parents proud. I was my mom’s best friend and Daddy’s little Homecoming Queen, and I didn’t want to give that up.” I watched her take a deep breath, as if the next part was hard for her to say. “I’ve always known I would have to come out to them eventually, but nothing, or no one, ever made it seem worthwhile. When we got in that fight the other night, it was because I was scared. But for once in my life, I wasn’t afraid of coming out to my parents. I was afraid because of how much I suddenly wanted to. Needed to.”
I put my hand over hers in order to stop its motion. I needed my focus to be on her words rather than her touch right now. “What are you trying to say, Charlie?”
“I’m scared, Reagan.”
“Scared of what?”
Charlie closed her eyes, as if it was too hard to face me. I placed a hand on her cheek and a soothing kiss on her forehead. “Scared of what, Charlie?”
Her eyes finally opened back up, locking right onto mine. I could see the fear, but that wasn’t all I saw. There was desire and hope and certain emotions I wouldn’t allow myself to overthink right now. “I was with my college girlfriend for three years and never once considered coming out to my parents, even when she begged me to. It didn’t seem worth it. I’ve known you for a month and…” I waited as she took another deep breath. “I’m already sick of it being a secret.”
I closed my eyes, trying to take in everything she was telling me. “Are you sure you don’t just feel this way because your brother found out? That maybe you just want to find a way to stop all of the wedding chatter?”
Charlie shook her head firmly. “My brother is one of the obstacles. Not the reason.” She reached out and ran one finger along my cheek. “It’s because I feel things for you that I’ve never felt in my entire life, and I don’t want to keep that bottled up anymore.”
All I could do was stare at her. I had so much to say but wasn’t sure where to start. Before now, we had never even discussed what was going to happen once I went back home. Hell, just an hour ago I was convinced we were over.
As if reading my mind, Charlie spoke again. “I realize this is a lot to throw at you. Even before the mess with my brother, we had never actually talked about where this was going. It’s okay if you’re feelings aren’t as strong as mine. I’m not trying to put any pressure on you. I just needed to let you know where I stand.”
I opened my mouth to finally respond, but Charlie silenced me with another kiss. “You don’t have to say anything. It’s actually probably for the best if you don’t. I have a lot of pent-up nervous energy right now and I need to let it out.”
Within a second, her body was back on top of mine. The friction between our bodies, mixed with her newest confession, was a
lmost enough to send me over the edge. I knew I wasn’t going to last very long. Who knew words could be such a turn on? Charlie must have felt the same way because she was no longer taking it slow. Her hands and mouth quickly moved from one spot to the next. When she settled between my legs, the feeling of her warm breath caused my hips to thrash. Charlie wrapped her arms around my legs to hold me in place and gave me one last cocky grin, before running her tongue across my center. She responded to my body’s reaction with longer and harder strokes of her tongue. Just when I thought she couldn’t push me any higher, she added one finger, then another, pumping in and out as her tongue continued to work.
“Charlie, I…” The orgasm shot through me before I could finish my confession, making me lose control of my body and clearing all thoughts from my mind.
Once I gained back some stability, Charlie scooted up beside me. “Did you have something to tell me?”
I instinctively licked my lips. “I think I’d rather show you.”
***
The next morning, Charlie and I made sure to get to family breakfast first, so no one questioned our sleeping arrangement from the night prior. After breakfast, I made up a lie about discussing Maid of Honor duties with Charlie, so we could get time alone to talk.
“Maid of Honor duties? Really?” Charlie laughed as we lay in her bed.
“What? Is this your way of telling me you don’t want to be my Maid of Honor?” I teased.
Charlie’s initial hearty chuckle gradually died down until there was nothing left but a concerned expression. “You know all of these lies are only going to make all of this harder, right?”
“I know,” I sighed. “Hopefully, there won’t be too many more. Did you really mean what you said last night?”
“I meant every single word. If you’re in, I’m in.”
Her words brought a smile to my face. “I’m definitely in.” My mind then flashed to Jamie, who would barely even look at me during breakfast, and I felt my smile fall.