Of that much, I was absolutely, one hundred percent sure.
Chapter 33
PAXTON
Her question took me by surprise, and not only because I’d thought we’d called a ceasefire. On the other hand, there was no fire in her eyes when they met mine and no anger in her voice when she asked it.
Judging by the way her nostrils flared and she dragged her upper lip between her teeth, I didn’t think she meant to ask it out loud at all. But it was out there now. Out of everything she’d ever believed about me, I couldn’t believe she really thought it had been easy for me to leave.
“It wasn’t easy for me,” I said, giving my head a small shake when I thought back to that time of our lives. “Is that really what you’ve been thinking all this time? That it wasn’t even just easy for me, but so easy?”
Surprise flickered in her eyes, but she nodded. “Well, yeah. You did leave and never looked back, so yes. It looked like it was pretty easy for you.”
I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound whatsoever. It was all disbelief.
Colette looked so much like she used to, sitting on the kitchen floor with me, her expression open and earnest. We’d switched on the lights when we’d come in, but we were partially hidden underneath one of the counters, so it wasn’t too bright down here.
Just like there wasn’t any fight left in me about this, it suddenly didn’t seem like there was any left in her either.
If anything, she looked at me the way she last had before I’d even told her about the army. This also didn’t feel like she was blowing hot and cold again. It really was more like she was just… done fighting.
Maybe, if I answered her questions honestly, we’d get to a point where she’d do the same for me. I hadn’t been waiting nearly as long for answers, but I really wanted to know what’d happened between the night we kissed and the night in the parking lot.
I had a lot more to answer for than she did, so I supposed it was only fair that I started. Holding her gaze, I reached out to touch her hand. Our little fingers wound together almost instinctively, and I squeezed her the way I used to under so many tables when we were offering each other just a little bit of support.
“It wasn’t easy for me at all,” I repeated. “You’re right that it might’ve looked like it was, but it really fucking wasn’t. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
“Why’d you do it, then?” she asked quietly. “For real this time. Why did you leave?”
I hesitated for a long time, but this was the answer she’d always deserved. Even back then, it was the one I should’ve given her. The truth.
My pride had stood between her and that truth for long enough. “I left because my life was in ruin. The only part of it that was perfect was that I had you.”
She twitched, but I held on to her hand and kept going. Hopefully, she’d see that this was what she’d been asking me for for so long.
“Think about it,” I said. “It will all make sense to you if you really think about it. You know all the different parts of the story. I just never put them together for you before because I was embarrassed about it. You’ve always been so driven and determined, but me…”
I sucked in a breath. “My grades were really bad by senior year. You knew they were bad, but I never told you just how bad they’d gotten. Let’s just say that going to college together had stopped being a real option for me. I wouldn’t have gotten accepted anywhere you wanted to go even if I had applied.”
Her brow furrowed, but she didn’t interrupt me. “The situation at our house wasn’t ideal. I loved my parents, obviously, but my dad always wanted a better son than the one he had. When the rejections from all the different colleges started rolling in, things between us got even worse.”
“You used to say you guys were fighting all the time,” she breathed, her eyes moving from one of mine to the other. “Why didn’t you tell me you hadn’t gotten in, or that that was what your fights with him were really about?”
I raised my shoulders, slowly shaking my head. “I had no game plan. There was nothing I wanted for my future besides you, but I also couldn’t let you settle for me. Not when you were getting accepted to every program everywhere you applied to, and I was in danger of flunking out.”
When her brows jumped and she opened her mouth to protest, I laid my finger gently over her lips to silence her. She wanted these answers, and I needed to get them out.
All of them.
Right now.
“I needed to level up, and I needed to leave you to do it,” I confessed, peeling off yet another layer on the web of lies I’d told everyone—myself included—for all these years. “Look, I’ll be honest. I hated myself at that point almost as much as I loved you. I thought if I got out there, got that structure and some life experience, that I might end up becoming good enough to be the guy you’d commit to.”
Moisture welled in her eyes, but I wiped it away with my thumbs whenever it spilled over. “I wanted you to wait for me, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to ask. I also truly believed you’d meet someone better and move on. I never thought you’d end up still hating me for trying to better myself so many years down the road.”
She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut to stem the light but constant flow of tears. “I don’t hate you. I want to, because it would be so much fucking easier to stay away from you if I really did, but I don’t hate you.”
When she opened her eyes, they were filled with so much regret as she brought them to mine. “I hate how you left me. I hate that you couldn’t be honest with me about all this stuff then, but I don’t hate you. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
It was her turn to let out a humorless chuckle, and then she drew her knees up to her chest. Even though it would’ve been really easy to get an eyeful with her still in that skirt, the thought didn’t even cross my mind.
She looped her arms around her knees, then rested her head on them with her face turned to mine. “You made me believe that you just didn’t want me anymore and that I was stupid to have believed you ever really did.”
My stomach bottomed out when she said those words, but I could hear from the agony of those long-held memories in her voice that she was being just as truthful as I had been. Operating on some command I wasn’t even aware I’d given, my body scooted closer to hers, and I wrapped my arm around her hunched-over form.
“I’m so sorry, Colette. I know I’ve said it before, but I think it’s time that I apologize properly.” I sucked in a deliberate breath of air, using the few seconds it brought me to get my mental ducks in a row. “You told me the other night that it was time to take some fucking responsibility for once in my life, and you were right.”
I slid my hand onto her face, cupping her cheek before bumping a finger underneath her chin. I wouldn’t lift her head for her, but I did want her looking into my eyes when I said this. It would be easier if she didn’t, but I didn’t need anywhere to hide. Don’t deserve anywhere to hide.
Slowly sitting up, she turned to face me with her knees still tucked close to her chest. A lock of hair had fallen over her forehead with the movement, and I brushed it back before drawing away to look at her.
“This is me taking full responsibility for what happened between us,” I said, my voice low but sure. “It was my fault. I should’ve told you where my head was at. It’s not an excuse, but I was a kid. I’d even romanticized the whole thing in my mind.”
I released a shuddering breath when I thought about how very wrong I’d been about that particular notion. “I needed the structure and the possibility of the future the army could provide, but I also thought being a soldier would be cool. Definitely cooler than any of the jobs I would’ve been able to get at the time. I thought it was all about being a badass who fought for my country. Chicks dig the badasses, you know?”
A faint smile ghosted across her lips. “Yeah, I know. But you were always plenty badass enough for me.”
“Yeah,�
� I echoed quietly. “I know, but I also know now how much more there is to it than that. If you want me to talk to you about it, I will, but not right now. The point for right now is that I never should’ve made you feel the way I did.”
“I wish we could’ve had this conversation ten years ago,” she said with the corners of her full lips turned down.
“Me too. We should’ve had it ten years ago, but I can’t turn back time. All I can do is try to make it up to you now and do everything in my power to make sure you know that the way I made you feel wasn’t the way I felt at all. It really wasn’t how I meant to make you feel either.”
She sighed, pulling her hair over her shoulder and threading her fingers through it as she gazed at me so intently it felt like she was trying to see into my brain. “I appreciate you telling me now. It definitely helps things make sense, and that might help me truly accept what happened.”
It was a shock to realize she wasn’t in that place yet, especially because she seemed to have everything so… together. But I didn’t argue. I couldn’t. If she wasn’t there yet, she wasn’t there yet.
“Do you mind me asking you something now?” She looked mildly surprised, but when she nodded, I asked my question. “What happened the other day? When we kissed, you were into it. I know you were, but then the next time we saw each other, you could barely look at me.”
Understanding dawned like a soft light in her eyes. “We might’ve been kids when it happened, but it still hurt me real bad. It hurt me in a way that changed the course of my life from there on out. When you started talking about the past like it was over and like we were becoming something again, it scared me.”
I frowned, but she inhaled through her nose and answered my unspoken question. “If it was just me I was making decisions for, it would’ve been one thing. My heart is fragile, but it’s mine to gamble with. April’s, however, is not. She’s my baby, and I need to protect her at all costs. Even against myself and, frankly, even against you.”
My frown deepened. “April? I would never hurt her. Ever.”
A sad smile formed on her lips, and her fingertips brushed against my cheek. “Not intentionally. I know that, but unintentionally? She already adores you. If you and I keep getting closer and you leave again, I won’t be the only one shattered.”
I paused. That wasn’t the kind of statement I could reply to without really thinking it through. She seemed to understand that, snagging a bag of chips and opening it to pop one into her mouth while she let me mull it over.
“I don’t know what the future holds,” I said eventually. “I can’t make any promises about us, but I would like to try to be friends again if it means I can keep spending time with you and April. I’m not leaving again, Colette. My life is right here, in this city, where you are too.”
“I know, but…” She raked her hands through her hair and blew out a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can trust you to stick around for us when you didn’t before. I knew something was going on with you back then, but I thought you’d come to me with it when you were ready.”
The truth hurts.
It wasn’t fun to hear she didn’t trust me, but it didn’t come as any sort of surprise. “Why don’t we take a step back? We aren’t the ones getting married next week. It’s been less than a month since we reconnected, and there’s obviously a lot we still need to talk about. Why don’t we just get through the wedding and take it from there?”
“I can agree to that,” she said after hesitating for a beat. “You won’t make any promises to April when you see her that you can’t keep?”
I nodded. “If, beyond this week, we keep being in each other’s lives in any way, shape, or form, you also have my word that I’ll talk to you if anything comes up that might affect her.”
A long look later, she nodded. “I’ll work on trusting that word of yours. If we continue being in each other’s lives beyond this week.”
I chuckled softly, then held out my pinky finger to her again. She laughed before wrapping hers around it. We shook, and then she relaxed back against the cabinet, her legs finally lowering back down to the floor.
“Tierra’s going to kill me for not making her brush her teeth,” I said.
She laughed. “So is Brett. We should probably bring them some water and painkillers before we go to bed.”
“Yeah. Good idea.” Silence fell between us for a moment, but it was amicable. Comfortable even. We sipped our waters and ate some more snacks while my mind picked over the conversation we’d finally had.
With her defensive posture gone, I probably should’ve left it at what had already been said, but I couldn’t. There was one last thing I needed to elaborate on.
“I really didn’t mean to hurt you that bad,” I said. “You were meant to find a guy who could give you everything I couldn’t. Even if I didn’t really want you to find him, that was what I believed would happen. That you’d find a guy who could offer you everything you wanted on a silver platter.”
“All I wanted was you,” she replied, and then her eyes widened like she hadn’t really meant to say it out loud.
A bark of laughter came out of me, and I reached over to twist some of her hair around my fingers. “Maybe, but I thought you’d grow out of it. For the record, I still think you deserve someone better than me.”
She smiled and raised an eyebrow, turning to face me fully again. “I agree—you’re an underwear model, for crying out loud. I deserve a trouser model at the very least.”
The tension in the air broke as we both descended into fits of giggles. She squealed when I lowered my hand from her hair to poke her. “I’ll have you know I don’t only model underwear. I do jeans and even shirts sometimes. I’ve even done suits.”
She giggled louder when I waggled my brows at her, and the sound of it warmed me in a way that hadn’t happened to me since the last time it had been caused by her. It was like it infused my veins and took over everything inside, even my fucking heartbeat.
Laughing with her and feeling that familiar warmth seeping into me, I couldn’t help it. I leaned over and pressed my lips to hers. Then I groaned when she didn’t pull away. Maybe everything wasn’t back to being the way it used to be between us, and maybe it never would be, but this? Right here? For now, this was everything.
Chapter 34
COLETTE
Paxton’s lips were firm against mine. Firm, but not demanding. It was like he was letting me know that he wanted to kiss me but was leaving the final choice to me.
Thoughts raced through my head. There were so many reasons why this was a bad idea, and my mind was clear enough that I remembered them all.
Kissing him would always catapult me to heights no one else could take me to, but drunken or even lust-drunk Colette wasn’t in charge right now. The kiss hadn’t taken me as much by surprise as it had the other night in my car, and of course, April wasn’t here, so I didn’t have to be afraid that she could open her eyes at any moment and see what was going on.
This was all on me.
It was up to me to decide if I wanted to kiss him back, and I did. I’d been waiting a long time for him to tell me the truth, and now that he had, it was like I could look back at that time and finally see things clearly.
If I was being honest, now that he’d connected the dots for me, I realized they’d always been there. I’d just been missing some pertinent pieces of the thread that connected them all. Ironically, those pieces were the way it had all made him feel.
I almost laughed when that thought clicked, wondering if my training should’ve kicked in earlier and if he’d have told me if I’d just asked him the same question I asked in just about every session I’d ever had.
Paxton wasn’t a patient, though. I didn’t think he’d have told if I’d asked, and I knew he hadn’t told me in my professional capacity. It had just been him, finally taking the leap and coming clean.
It freed pieces of me I hadn’t even realized he’d still been holding hostage
. Pieces that had been stuck in the past. Pieces that had constantly been focused on the “what ifs” and the “what might have beens.”
It felt like I finally, finally, had my whole being back. It was a pretty damn great feeling, and there wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t want to share it with him. Stupid as that might sound, considering that he’s been holding those pieces hostage.
While it was true that I needed to protect April and while she would always be my top priority, Paxton was right. We weren’t the ones walking down the aisle next week. We didn’t have to have the rest of our lives figured out or even anything past the wedding.
Right here and right now, it was just the two of us. We weren’t that young anymore, and we weren’t that in love anymore either, but we could still take tonight and do whatever we wanted, couldn’t we? There was no reason not to.
Just because we had a past didn’t mean we couldn’t just be. Be here. Be present. Be together. Any relationship started that way—even the ones that only ended up lasting one night.
“I can practically hear you thinking,” he whispered against my mouth, his hand sliding up so his finger could tap my temple as he pulled away just far enough to meet my eyes. “What’s going in that head of yours, huh?”
“Just that I need to stop overthinking things,” I admitted. This definitely wasn’t the time to stop the open channel of communication we’d only opened up tonight. “I want to kiss you. I want to do more than just kiss you, actually. I don’t want to hold back just because of what happened in the past and what might happen in the future.”
A slow grin took over his face. “So just be in the present with me, then. I can help you with that.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded and leaned forward again, speaking only one word before he brought his mouth back to mine. “Yeah.”
This time, his kiss was definitely demanding. It lit a fire in my core and burned any reservations I might’ve been hanging on to to the ground.
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