I smiled as she led me on to the small, slightly sticky dance floor--it was hard not to when I was around her. She was so sweet and bubbly and fun, everything that I wanted to be. Or maybe it was just because the few sips of beer I’d had so far were starting to have an effect, and I was thoroughly enjoying the feeling of the alcohol moving through me. I felt as though my senses were a little dulled, but in the best way possible like all the shame had been turned down a little, to the point where I couldn’t hear it any longer. Man, it was a relief. I couldn’t remember the last time it hadn’t been there, screaming in the back of my head for me to pay attention to it.
Donna took my hands and danced with me. I just tried to move my body in the same way she did. I felt like I was a baby horse learning to walk, not quite sure how this limb worked alongside that one, but I did my best and soon I found the beat of the music and started to move with it.
"Hey, you sure you’ve never done this before?” She laughed as she put her hands on my hips and caught up with me. "You’re good at this!”
"I think I’ve got a ways to go before I’m good at it," I replied.
She leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "But I think the guy at the bar thinks you’re pretty perfect."
I glanced around to see who she was talking about. My eyes landed on the man staring at me.
He had to be a couple of decades older than me, but he wore it well. He didn’t look like the rest of the old drunks in this bar. He had dark hair, speckled with salt-and-pepper, and a little stubble that drew out the sharpness of his jaw. His eyes were greenish-gray and they were gazing at me like there was nobody else in the room. I flushed and looked away.
"What do I do?” I asked her urgently. I had no clue how I was meant to react to this man paying me so much attention. Did I wave him over seductively? Tell him to come join us?
"Watch me.” She pulled away from me, leaving me standing there on the dance floor all alone like an idiot. She grabbed a guy next to her, a cute man a few years older than us, and widened her eyes at him, playing innocent.
"You want to dance?” she asked, and the man nodded. She pulled him in close and wound her arms around him, looking deep into his eyes like he was the first man she had ever seen in her life. She made it look so damn easy, but it couldn’t work like that, could it?
The way the man was looking at her, I could tell she had him just where she wanted him. And she could have done it with any man in this bar. They would have fallen over themselves to make sure they were the center of her attention. She had that confidence; it came off her in waves. Maybe I needed a little of that, too.
But yet, there I was, just standing in the middle of the room, not sure where to look or what to do or who to talk to. I decided to head back to my beer at the bar, picking it up, I found that it was empty. I was about to flag down the bartender to ask for another when I noticed a presence beside me.
"Can I get you something?"
It was the man from before. Was he offering to buy me a drink? I took a deep breath and looked back at Donna, who already had a small group of men crowding around her. If she could do this, I could do it too, right?
"A beer would be great," I replied and settled into my seat. My heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I was letting a man buy me a drink. I had never done anything like it before in my life.
"Your friend out there seems like she’s pretty popular," he remarked.
I nodded. "She comes here a lot.”
"And you’re new in town?”
"Yeah, I guess I am," I agreed, feeling emboldened by the booze in my system.
"Well, that makes two of us," he grinned and extended his hand to me. "I’m Jason."
"Cindy," I replied, taking his hand.
As soon as our fingers touched, I felt a jolt of electricity, a thrill of something burning bright between us. Did he feel it too? From the way his eyes traced down my body, I would have gone ahead and guessed the answer was a yes.
"So, how long are you in town for?” he asked.
I shrugged. "Don’t know yet." I took a deep breath feeling bold as the next sentence came out of my mouth, "Depends on if I’m given a good enough reason to stay or not."
"And what might that good reason look like?” he shot back.
We were flirting. I was doing it. I couldn’t believe it, but I was actually doing it. I cocked an eyebrow, feeling as though an entirely different version of me was coming out to play.
"I’m not sure yet."
"Maybe I could show you," he replied, as he flagged down the bartender and ordered us both a drink.
I took a sip of the beer that arrived a moment later.
"And what does that look like, exactly?” I asked. I still needed him to take the lead, at least a little--I wasn’t sure how to conduct myself; where the line between flirty and slutty lay. Or even if I cared anymore. Donna had made sure to get low-alcohol beers for me, so I wouldn’t wind up getting shitfaced on my very first night out, but it was as though I could already feel them dancing through me.
"I’m more of a show guy, not tell," he replied and ran his hand briefly over my thigh. I shivered and was surprised to find I wanted him to touch me like that. I wanted him to touch me more than that.
"Then why don’t you show me?” I suggested.
A grin spread over his face, reaching his sharp eyes. "With pleasure."
He grabbed my hand and led me outside the bar. I knew this was dangerous, but I didn’t care. I felt like I needed it, needed all of it. After so long of hiding from everything, trying to play it good and safe and demure by pretending I didn’t want any part of this, I was ready to break free. I wanted all of it, everything the world could give me. I could smell his aftershave, deep and woody, and I wanted to bury my face in his neck. He must have thought of me as the kind of girl who did this all the time, and that very notion was enough to excite me. Maybe I would be, one day. Maybe I could be ...
As soon as we were far enough out of sight of the bar, he pushed me back against the wooden wall. His eyes were intent as they burned into mine, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I had never been kissed before, not in my life, and yet here I was, my mouth inches from the lips of a man I had never met before.
"Kiss me," I breathed. And he did.
He leaned forward and planted his mouth against mine, slowly, softly. He tasted of scotch and something deeper, darker, more dangerous. I felt something give deep inside of me. I wanted this, so badly. I had no idea what I was doing, but I figured the best course of action was to just follow his lead. So, that’s exactly what I did.
I allowed him to part my lips with his tongue, sliding it deep into my mouth. He pressed his whole body against mine. I ran my fingers up his arms, feeling the strength of him beneath his shirt. He was so powerful, so masculine. I had never been this close to a man before, and the feeling of it was a little heady, but in the best possible way. I was pretty sure I was already obsessed with the way he felt against me. I slipped my arms around him and pulled him in closer, and suddenly I was aware of the fact that I could feel something hard pressing up against my hip. It took me a moment to figure out what it was, but then it hit me--his erection. He was getting hard just making out with me. I let out a moan, I couldn’t stop myself. I had never felt more powerful in my life.
I found myself pushing my hips back up to meet him. I needed this. I could already imagine what it would be like to have him inside me. How good it would feel to have him fill me, all the way up to the hilt. Bent over in front of him, using me like I was good for nothing else--this was what I had been made for, I could see that now. I had no intention of denying that truth any further.
He slipped his hand down between my thighs, but I brushed it away. I wasn’t ready for that, not quite yet. I might have been able to talk a big game inside my head, but I needed more advice on what I was meant to do when that part of it came up--I didn’t want to make an ass of myself. And besides, when I
pulled back and saw the raw, unrealized lust in his face, I knew I had made the right choice. It made me feel so powerful, knowing that this man wanted me so much, so deeply, so helplessly, and that I was denying him.
"Not yet," I breathed, and he moved his hand to my waist and kissed me once again, respecting my choice.
I wasn’t sure how long we were there making out. He got rougher, moving his hands over my body, groping and grabbing and feeling every part of me he could, and I didn’t stop him. It was like a drug, being wanted that much. I was finally beginning to understand why people became so hooked on it. Maybe it was just because I had denied for so long, but I could already feel something blooming inside me, something I knew I wasn’t going to be able to shake so easily ...
"Cindy?”
I heard a voice, and I pulled back at once, as though I had been caught in the act. Glancing around, I saw Donna sticking her head out of the bar, looking for me. The man moved back from me, and I touched my mouth to find my lips swollen.
"I’ve got to go," I told him, and he slipped his hand over my waist.
"But you’ll be back, right?" he asked.
I shrugged. It was as though my feet were hardly touching the ground, as though I was floating a few inches above the earth. I loved the way it felt. He wanted me, and I was making the choice to walk away from this. I could see how people got hooked on this sensation, on the power that came with calling dominion over their own bodies.
"Maybe," I replied, and I blew him a kiss before I turned and headed back inside the bar.
I could smell his aftershave all over me, and I liked it. But I knew that he wasn’t going to be the last random man I made out with while I was on this trip. No, he was just the start of a long line. I couldn’t wait to see who else I could find to give me what I needed next.
Chapter 5
This is wrong
I lay there on my bed, staring at the ceiling. There was something distracting me, and I was doing my best to ignore it. But I wasn’t sure how much longer I could manage to keep it down before it came bursting out of me.
Ever since that night at the bar with Donna, it felt like a dam had burst and everything I’d been trying to keep in was flooding out. I couldn’t stop it. I had made out with that guy, and when I had woken up the next day … nothing had happened. The world hadn’t caved in. My life wasn’t over. Nobody was beating down my door to tell me what a slut I was. The only thing I had to show for that night was the slightly fuzzy head from a couple of beers and the feeling that I should have done more while I’d still had the chance.
Donna was out of town for the day, visiting a friend a few hours away by car. She had offered to bring me along, but I had still been too exhausted from the night before to lift my head from the pillow and turned her down. She shrugged and went on her way. Now, it was just Thom and I, alone in the house once more. Not that I was giving that any thought, of course.
I think the reason I had gone for the older man the day before was that he reminded me a little of Thom--he had that distinguished air, that cool, collected nature that spoke to his confidence, and his certainty. When I had been making out with him, I could almost convince myself that it had been Thom there, instead. And that was pretty exciting.
There had always been something about Thom. Something in the way he moved around the house like he knew he was the most important person there. He and Donna had lived there by themselves for years after the divorce and her mother dropped out of the picture. He’d had to take care of everything himself. He worked, he cleaned, he cooked. It was his domain. All of it. That meant, in theory, I was his domain, too.
Maybe there was more than a little hint of the urge to get back at Donna for what she had done with Andrew. I had tried not to let it bother me, but how could it not? This was the man who had been part of my life for nearly seven years and he had slept with someone other than my mother. In the room next to mine, no less! And with a girl who was my age! It was just wrong on so many levels. And if Donna thought I was going to let her get away with doing something so devious, she had another thing coming.
Besides, the feel of that man getting hard against my hip had flicked a switch inside of me. I hadn’t wanted to do it right there, right then, with him, but it had confirmed to me I needed to feel a man take me like that if I was ever going to shake all that from my head. And why would I bother heading out to a bar again when a man I wanted to do that with was right here in the house?
That was all I could think about as I stared at the ceiling, my head buzzing, my heart pounding in my chest. Thom was just across the hall, doing some work on his computer in his office. I could still remember the way he’d looked at me when he’d seen me in that dress. He wanted me then. The question was, did he still want me?
I peeled myself off the covers and took a deep breath. I mustered some of the energy that had made me feel so very powerful the night before and went to the mirror propped up next to the door. I fluffed out my hair and rolled up the hem of my skirt to show off a little more leg. What was it that Donna had said? Men liked it when you played innocent. Well, I was going to see if that particular tactic was going to have any effect on her dear father …
I had carefully cleaned my face of the make-up Donna had helped me apply the night before, but I still felt as though I was carrying some of that energy into today. The girl that had made out with that man was still there inside me, and I just had to figure out if I required a couple of beers to coax her out, or if I had found a way to do it on command.
I slowly made my way over to his office, my heart pounding fast. What if I just made a fool of myself? Maybe he would laugh in my face or think I was joking or kick me out of the house for daring to so much as suggest such a thing. Would my mother be mad or happy about that? Knowing I had given up my uptight ways and replaced them with something far sluttier? I hoped I wouldn’t have to find out.
I hesitated for a moment, then knocked on the door. No point in holding back, right? I just had to go in there and try and see what happened. I could always just say he had been misreading the signals or something if it went wrong. Mustering up my courage, I knocked again. A moment later, I heard him moving around inside. All right, it was now or never--I sincerely hoped it was now.
He opened the door and smiled. He was wearing a pair of glasses, but he took them off and rubbed his eyes as he spoke, "Cindy, is everything okay?”
"Everything’s fine," I replied. "I just thought you could use a little break from work, that’s all.”
"Oh?”
"Because I’m bored," I admitted.
He grinned at me and stepped aside. "I wouldn’t be a good host if I didn’t take care of your needs," he replied and pushed the door shut behind me.
I wondered for a moment if he knew about his daughter and his best friend. Did he care?
"So, how did you enjoy going out with Donna last night?"
I shrugged. "It was pretty fun. I’ve never really done anything like that before. Fun to try new things, I suppose."
"Yes, Andrew mentioned that you … uh, that you didn’t go out partying a lot when you were back home," he replied delicately.
It was clear he was avoiding sharing whatever the actual less-than-flattering terms my stepfather had used for me were. I was going to prove them so wrong as soon as I got the chance, they were just going to have to wait and see. Not that I was hoping they were going to find out about what I had in mind. No, I could just imagine them shipping me right back home if they discovered that. An over-correction, was that what they called it? Either way, I had a lot of lost time to catch up on, and I had no intention of letting any more of it slip away.
"Oh, he doesn’t know everything about me," I murmured and leaned on his desk right next to him, so close that our legs were touching. He glanced down to the spot where our knees had connected, and I flashed him a smile. "I mean, a girl’s got to have her secrets, right?" I remarked with a slight giggle. He dragged his eyes away from me for
a moment, like even looking me right in the face was more than he could take.
"You want to know one of mine?” I asked, lowering my voice, as though what I was about to tell him was for his ears and his ears only. He looked up at me, and I could see the glimmer of curiosity in his eyes, even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud. I dipped my head down to his ear, so close to him I could almost taste the desire in the air between us. "I’m a virgin, Thom.” I couldn’t believe I was saying those words out loud. Until recently, I would have made sure that nobody knew about that; sure that everyone was judging me for being so far behind when it came to development and adulthood and everything else. But Donna had told me innocence turned men on. What could be more innocent than that?
"Why are you telling me this?” he asked, his voice low. He turned his head so his mouth was just an inch from mine. I could see the tension in his jaw, and it filled me with sureness. I could do this. No, more than that--I could make him do this. I could convince him he’d been the one to want me all along.
"Because I don’t want to be one anymore, Thom," I continued, eyes fixed on him. "And I want to give it to someone who I know can make it … special for me."
I slid down into his lap, winding my arms around his neck. It was still something of a shock that this all came so easily to me. Had this just been waiting to come out all this time? No wonder I was such a mess before this. What gargantuan effort had I been putting in to make sure that this side of me didn’t catch a breath of air?
His eyes slid up my body again, and I heard him take a long, shaky breath. I could feel him stirring beneath me. He wanted this. He wanted me. I had seen it in his eyes the night before when he had seen me in that dress, something had shifted about the way he looked at me.
"Cindy," he murmured. "I don’t know ..."
I pulled my skirt up another inch. His hand came to rest on my bare thigh.
"How about now?” I offered.
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