KAREN That’s not how you make friends.
GAIL She had stuff. All the stuff she had, Kaz, you remember?
KAREN You stole from her. All her things. Anything you wanted you took. The Nintendo was the last straw.
GAIL I borrowed her stuff.
KAREN You never gave it back.
GAIL She let me have it.
KAREN She was terrified of you.
GAIL She was my friend.
KAREN You took whatever you wanted and when she told on you, you cut off her hair.
GAIL It wasn’t like that.
Pause.
That babysitter that picks up your kids?
KAREN What about her?
GAIL What is she? Polish or something?
KAREN She’s their nanny.
GAIL I didn’t know who she was.
KAREN Why would you, for Christ’s sake?
GAIL She couldn’t speak English whoever she was.
KAREN Jesus. Look at you. Sat there with no shame in you.
GAIL Shame?
KAREN You were hanging around a school.
GAIL I wasn’t hanging around.
KAREN You know, I worked in a school. They would have known you were there. They would have seen you.
GAIL I wanted to see them.
KAREN I would have called the police. The state of you.
I’m surprised they didn’t call the police.
Did you even think about that? The impact that would have on your situation.
Course you didn’t.
GAIL I told the babysitter who I was.
KAREN You approached her?
GAIL I said I was your sister.
KAREN They were there? Were they there?
GAIL She was waiting for them. I saw her with them the day before.
KAREN You could have been anyone.
You would have confused her.
GAIL She looked confused way before I got to her.
KAREN You’re a stranger.
GAIL I told her, straight away.
KAREN Some strange woman approaches her…
GAIL I told her I’m your sister. Strange?
KAREN You’re not my sister.
I have a sister-in-law. She thinks that’s my sister.
GAIL She don’t speak no English anyway so confusing her…
KAREN You wanted to see them so you went there. Then you go back.
GAIL She weren’t all there in the head if you ask me.
KAREN Why would you go back?
GAIL I wouldn’t feel right if she was looking after my kids is all I’m saying.
KAREN scoffs.
KAREN I’ve heard it all now. Your kids are in care. You don’t know who is looking after them.
GAIL I was looking out for them.
KAREN What?
GAIL The kids.
KAREN Oh yeah. That’s right. People like you are always looking out for your kids.
GAIL People like me.
KAREN Save it, Gail, cos I’ve heard a million ‘I love my kids’ stories.
I know you.
You lost your boys because you were neglectful.
GAIL Not mine.
KAREN You fucked up. Surprise, surprise. Couldn’t even look after your own kids.
Simple.
GAIL You’re not listening. Not my kids.
Pause.
KAREN Who were you looking out for?
GAIL The girl.
KAREN What girl?
GAIL Your babysitter.
KAREN What about her?
GAIL Nah. It’s nothing.
Stop fucking around.
GAIL She was sharp with the little one.
That’s why I went back.
I was there.
I know you think I shouldn’t but
You wasn’t there.
I was.
She shouts at the little one cos she’s not moving
fast enough or whatever
Frightening her
She grabbed her
Pulled her by her arm
Which was harsh I thought
And your little one, she starts to cry.
KAREN says nothing.
Takes it in.
GAIL I felt sorry for them.
KAREN Don’t.
GAIL They looked sad.
KAREN What a load of bullshit.
GAIL It’s true though.
KAREN Absolute bullshit.
GAIL She was sharp with her.
KAREN You’re full of it.
Full of shit.
GAIL They’re not happy.
KAREN What are you talking about?
GAIL Your kids aren’t happy is what I’m talking about.
KAREN Are you actually going to stand there and lecture me about child welfare?
GAIL They got briefcases of homework bigger than what they are.
How old is the little one? Four? Five?
Picked up by some nanny or au pair what they hardly know.
KAREN My children are extremely happy. They have a perfect childhood.
GAIL I never left my kids with no one. They went everywhere with me.
Even the pub.
Laughs.
Your face.
Seriously though. When did that come to be a crime?
How old is the little one, four?
KAREN It’s good for them to experience independence.
GAIL Yeah. There we are then.
KAREN My daughters have a hard-working woman with a fulfilling career as their role model.
GAIL But all a kid really wants is its mum though. That’s the thing.
Pause.
KAREN Or its dad. Not that you’d ever consider that.
D’you even know who your boys’ fathers are?
GAIL I’ll bet your little one sees you for what? For half an hour a day.
If they’re lucky that is.
KAREN Blindly assailing the choices of childcare at the woman.
So predictable.
Course it’s normal for a father to put his career first, nobody blinks.
Absolutely monstrous for a mother, I get it.
GAIL Your babysitter’s bringing up your kids, Kaz.
KAREN She’s their nanny. For fuck’s sake.
Takes a minute, thinks, then begins to laugh.
As she talks she starts looking through a filing cabinet/drawers.
Look at you. Stood there like you have the moral high ground. You’re hilarious.
KAREN is frenetically looking for something.
You know, Gail.
I forgot how funny you were.
Papers drop and files are thrown.
GAIL It’s okay though. They’ll grow up to be all successful. Because Mummy have paid for that to be the way.
If bankers and lawyers and politicians is what you rates as successful that is, cos in my opinion, Kaz, they’re generally a bunch of wankers.
But mostly the kids end up all messed up inside cos the truth of it is their mummy didn’t give a shit after all.
You know what I think.
If I’m honest with you, Karen.
I think it’s neglectful.
KAREN stops looking and starts listening.
KAREN Really.
GAIL However you dress it up.
Okay, it’s different to my neglect.
Cos all the people making the rules and laws never lived my life. They got no idea how much it takes for me to get through the day.
Like I said, it’s all about money, money makes the rules.
And of course it’s judgement. She judges she, judges she, judges her. Sad that. We do it to ourselves, women.
To make ourselves feel better, I reckon.
What am I saying? That’s your job innit, judgement.
That’s what I thinks anyway.
KAREN But you see, I really don’t care what you think.
Takes a bit of time with that.
I didn’t work when they were little.
Those first
years.
I was so desperate, so utterly desperate for settlement and security. It was pathetic.
When I look back on it now, I was pathetic.
I joined all the clubs. NCT and tumble tots and soft-play and daisy wrigglers and yes – Yumi Yoga. It was mind-numbing. All the smiling. At other people’s kids. At each other.
Days filled with trivialities.
Endless hours, talking about what time the children get up in the morning, how often the bedlinen is changed, weaning, milestones, eco-friendly cleaning products and wooden toys. And let me tell you, breast-feeding was NOT one of the most rewarding or incredible experiences of my life. Every day the expectation to perform an impossible job.
The idealisation of motherhood, the perfect mother, wife, who is good, who is virtuous, who must create a chocolate-box world in which to place her refined-sugar-free children, whilst smiling benignly from behind her vintage teak dresser and her freshly pressed Whistles blouse. But hey, don’t worry, she’s still cool enough to know her Kanye from her Jay-Z and easily knocks up an impromptu risotto or frittata for ‘friends’. She even ironically drinks Aldi prosecco before fulfilling blowjob duty to her eternally eligible husband at least once a week.
Utter bollocks.
I hadn’t felt so needy. So dependent. Since…
I can’t be dependent. I won’t. I can provide for myself and my children.
I was a fraud. I was being asked to do things I hated. Daily. By the hour.
Being told who I was, who I was allowed to be.
I neglected me. That’s who I neglected, Gail. When I went back to work, I felt joy.
I was supposed to feel shame but I felt free.
We’re all just trying to do our best.
I do my best.
GAIL I try to do my best.
But sometimes there’s too much shit being thrown your way. You can’t dodge it in the end.
KAREN We all have our shit.
GAIL But people like me, Kaz, we don’t have the luxury of foreign babysitters and posh expensive schools to dig us out of the shit when we have kids we can’t look after.
KAREN I can look after them.
GAIL You don’t.
KAREN I choose not to. And I’m alright with that.
GAIL Nice to have choices.
KAREN I’ve had times when I didn’t.
GAIL They don’t know you.
KAREN Know me?
GAIL They lost you.
KAREN They don’t lose me. They gain me. You wouldn’t understand that.
GAIL You neglect them. That’s what I think.
KAREN Now who’s judging?
And for the record, my job isn’t about judgement. It’s about care. Support. I help people.
GAIL Then help me.
Pause.
KAREN When I first got pregnant I was terrified. You can imagine. Everyone is, aren’t they. But for kids like us…
I didn’t think I could love it enough.
Pause.
I married young.
Straight out of college.
I was a teacher. When I was first married.
I hated it.
You know what I hated the most?
GAIL says nothing.
Accessories.
Hats, gloves, scarves, bags.
They were the bain of my life.
Thirty-two five-year-olds, all looking for a lost glove or bag. Bobbles, clips, hairbands. Jesus Christ.
The tediousness of it all.
One day, I was sat watching the class, they were getting on with a task or whatever and there were two girls, Laura and Beth. Best friends. They started messing about with each other’s hair, playing, you know. Like girls do. Laura undid Beth’s hairband and ran her fingers through Beth’s hair. Properly running her fingers through using her whole hand like it was a comb.
And Beth’s hair is long, halfway down her back. And Laura’s got her fingers right in and she’s wrapping the hair around and around her hand and then in a flash and without any warning, she grabs hold of all the hair in her hand and pulls it, really nastily.
With a smile too.
So I got up and I went over to them and I grabbed a handful of Laura’s hair, and I pull her hair back, really hard.
I felt her head yank with the force. And her little fingers grabbed for my hand but I kept on pulling. It was only when I saw that her feet were off the ground that I stopped.
I didn’t want to stop.
But eventually I let go and Laura drops to the floor. And I had a handful of her hair in my hand.
She cried.
Screamed.
The whole class was silent and staring at me.
And Beth throws her arms around Laura and kisses her, hugs her, tells her everything would be okay and then shoots me a look like I was the devil.
The whole class looked at me like I was the devil. Which I was, of course. I didn’t feel sorry straight away. For a moment I felt like I’d done them a favour. Like I’d shown them that life is cruel. And unexpected. And startling.
The anger still startles me.
It doesn’t go.
It might sit dormant for a while but there are unexplained, unexpected times when it rears itself. I hate that.
Takes her time.
I walked out.
Out of the classroom and through the hall and across the yard, through the gates.
I went home.
Then I felt sorry.
I was going to leave.
Everything.
I was going to give up.
My husband.
But I was pregnant. This baby. Made from love. Inside me.
And I couldn’t.
For the first time in my life I couldn’t run.
I had something much more important than myself to think about. I realised that I already loved it enough.
I thought that whatever happened, I would never run again.
I would stay.
For the baby. For the child.
I wanted my baby to have a childhood, so badly. And even if I could give it nothing else then I would give it that. My child would wake up with its mother and father, every day. It would sleep soundly in a bed knowing that it was safe. Protected by the only two people in the world who would die for it, without question.
We owe our children that, Gail.
It’s the least. The very least of it.
I gave my girls that. I give my girls that. Unconditionally.
You have to help yourself. It’s the only way.
I won’t help you any more.
GAIL Any more?
Pause.
KAREN Next time you’re at my girl’s school or anywhere near my home.
I’ll fucking kill you.
They hold a look.
We know KAREN means this.
GAIL Did you look for him?
KAREN Who?
GAIL Your son?
Did you ever even look for him?
Pause.
KAREN takes that in, rooted to the spot.
I didn’t think so.
I know he weren’t made from love. But we can’t all be.
KAREN Get out.
GAIL I think about him all the time.
KAREN I want you out of here.
GAIL Working here.
You would know where he was.
Wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from finding out about him.
Where is he?
Who is he with?
Is he okay?
Happy?
Did it work out okay for him?
It does don’t it, sometimes.
KAREN I’ll call the police.
GAIL You says it was always you that was looking after me, Kaz, mopping after me but that’s not how I remembers it.
That’s not how I remembers it at all.
KAREN Fuck off. D’you hear me? Go on, fuck off.
GAIL I covered for you all the time. Unconditionally.
KAREN You never
covered for me.
GAIL Because you was my sister.
KAREN I took it all for you. What they did to me.
GAIL I helped you.
KAREN I took the beatings for both of us.
It was me he…
Me.
It was me.
Not you.
And you stand there.
GAIL It was you who I woke up to every day.
KAREN I took it so you didn’t have to.
Stop.
GAIL A baby. It wasn’t his fault.
I was there for you.
With you.
I was there by your side for all of it.
I’d do anything for you.
KAREN I was thirteen, for Christ’s sake.
GAIL I was there when they took him off you. A beautiful little boy. We held him.
You and me.
It was beautiful.
Remember, Kaz?
KAREN I remember mess. And bodies. And people looking at me. I was a child. I remember mucus and blood and dirt and shit and vomit and noise and smells and pain.
I don’t remember beauty.
GAIL My heart broke, same as yours.
KAREN I didn’t want him.
Don’t presume my heart was broken.
He grew inside me, that’s all.
Things grow inside us that we don’t want. That happens.
Because of this – (Boobs.)
This – (Vag.)
I’m supposed to love something like that.
To love him?
How could I love him?
How?
I prayed that he would die. Begged God. Any god.
Night after night, I wanted him dead.
I was drinking, I took pills and he still lived.
Grew.
He kept growing.
Like a cancer.
Pause.
The day he was born I realised something.
I realised that I wasn’t just creating a life.
I was also creating a death.
Because with a life comes a death. One day he would die. And that made it okay.
When they took him.
I was glad.
The intercom buzzes.
KAREN grabs for the phone.
Kate Taylor.
GAIL You talk about a child’s rights.
KAREN Hi, Bill.
GAIL What about his rights, Kaz?
KAREN Bill, yes I’m here.
GAIL To know his mother? That’s what you said. A child’s rights to know its parents.
KAREN No.
Don’t come up.
It’s fine.
We’re fine.
GAIL What about his childhood?
KAREN I got held up. I’m fine. Yes.
GAIL He’s part of us. Do you care about that?
Looks to GAIL.
KAREN She’s with me. We’re leaving. Now.
KAREN puts down the phone.
Thick as Thieves Page 4