Zesta stood there with the shopping bag in his hand, unhappily watching her go.
“…I was so close,” he muttered.
“You can just go home.”
We decided to change street corners and try a new strategy.
“We’ll approach this one as a team to help prevent any more slipups… Then again, you look a bit too much like a pitiful old man to pull this one off, Zesta. What to do…?”
“You wound me, my dear Megumin,” Zesta objected, but I ignored him and hid in a side street.
“Anyway, here’s what we’ll do. We spot the most upstanding-looking guy we can find. I’ll scream to get his attention. And then you attack me. The righteous fellow saves the day, and the rest is just like the other plan. With the gratitude and everything…”
“All right. Makes sense to me… Incidentally, how, er, realistic may I be in attacking you?”
“If you lay a finger on me, I’ll call the police… Oh, someone’s coming!”
A man who seemed like an easy target came walking by. You could tell just by looking at him that he was strong and kindhearted.
“He’s perfect! All right, let’s go!” I jumped out of the alleyway and exclaimed, “Somebody! Somebody, please help me!” People started looking in my direction. Including the friend-of-justice type, naturally. “This very dangerous-looking man is trying to…force me…to…?” I glanced into the alleyway for Zesta, but he didn’t come out. Instead, he was crouched in our hiding place, trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. “H-hey, what do you think you’re doing?” I hissed. “I’ve got his attention already! Come on—hurry up and attack me! People are going to think I just like to stand around and scream for no reason! Everyone is looking! They’re looking at me!”
Just then, I felt a tap on the shoulder.
“Erm, young lady. May I speak to you? Here’s my identification.” Trembling, I turned around to see our burly, good-hearted target. He was holding a black notebook-like thing. I recognized it… “I’m an off-duty police officer. What’s all this commotion about?”
“O-O-Officer, I can explain… Ahhh!”
I looked in Zesta’s direction for help, but there was no one there.
“May I go home now?”
“Don’t be so hasty! I told you, I’m sorry for running away and leaving you there! I confess, I forgot you were an out-of-towner. I never imagined you would pick a police officer for your little scheme.”
The officer had finally let me go after a very long scolding, and now I was arguing with Zesta.
“Whatever. I’ll write down my ideas from now on, and you can try them without me. I don’t want to imagine what’s going to happen to me at this rate.”
“D-don’t be so hasty! Look, Megumin, how’s that food cart over there? Let me buy you a nice, delicious skewer!”
“If you think you can just buy me off with a little food, then you are absolutely right.”
I munched on a skewer of mystery meat; Chomusuke wrapped herself enviously around my feet.
Zesta reached down as if noticing Chomusuke for the first time. “Well now, what have we here? She looks just like a normal cat, but I can tell she’s something special.”
Chomusuke, not showing the least bit of fear, sniffed at Zesta’s outstretched fingers. I had written Zesta off as nothing but a dirty old man, but I had to remember that he was actually an Arch-priest. He might be more competent than I was giving him credit for.
“She is just a cat,” I said. “Her name is Chomusuke.”
“A fine name… Hmm, she seems quite personable.” Zesta rubbed Chomusuke’s head. “Tell me, Megumin, what moved you to travel alone at such a young age? Not that I suppose you have much to fear, being a member of the Crimson Magic Clan.”
“…The truth is, I’m looking for someone. But the only real clues I have are that she can use Explosion and that she’s a beautiful woman with huge boobs,” I said, finishing my food. As clues went, they weren’t much to work with.
Zesta, however, unexpectedly replied, “A beautiful wizard with huge boobs who can use Explosion? …That rings a bell.”
“It does?!” I drew up to him and started pelting him with questions. “What do you mean? Tell me more! Tell me everything you know!”
“Gracious, Megumin, you’re so very close to me. Do you want me to lick you? J-just kidding! It was just a joke! Please don’t point your staff at me.” I had raised my staff defensively, but now Zesta scratched his chin in thought. “Ah yes, I remember. In Axel Town, that was it. In that starter city, a gorgeous wizard with an excellent figure who can also use Explosion runs a magical item shop, or so I’ve heard. Ahhh, I could never forget someone who ticks the ‘gorgeous’ and ‘busty’ boxes. I do adore a huge rack!”
So that was more than I had wanted to know, but still, I was thrilled. What luck! Axel was exactly where I was going! I didn’t have any proof yet that this was the woman I was looking for, but there couldn’t be that many wizards who could use Explosion.
…Maybe I could get my hopes up just a teeny, tiny bit.
“Now I owe you not just for my meal but for this information. Let me pay you back by taking one more shot at helping you win some converts.”
“Ahhh! You’ll help me, Megumin?” Zesta grinned from ear to ear when he saw how eager I was.
5
An angry shout rang through the streets of Arcanletia.
“That’s him! That Axis follower made off with all the toilet paper!”
Zesta and I were dashing along, ignoring the shouting coming from behind us.
“Um, Zesta? Why are you holding an armload of toilet paper? I don’t understand how this is supposed to help!”
“I left confessions of faith in place of the toilet paper! You see? Just when those poor, lost sheep despair that there’s no paper, a profession of faith in the Axis Church will appear before their eyes! And left with only the gods to cover their asses, what do you think they’ll do?”
“I think they’ll wipe with it.”
“…You don’t think they’ll sign the paper and pray to Lady Aqua for a miracle…?”
“Let’s just say, I seriously doubt it. Anyway, leaving your paperwork all over the bathroom will only prove that this was the doing of the Axis Church and make people hate you even m— Oh no! We’re surrounded!”
We found ourselves trapped by people who looked like police officers—and Zesta still had all that toilet paper in his arms.
“You two! Don’t attempt to resist—just come with us!” The circle gradually started to close around us.
I had lost track at that point of how many encounters with the police I’d had since coming to this town. While I was busy feeling weirdly conflicted, Zesta tugged on my sleeve. “Megumin, now is the moment. This is the time to let your magic shine. Show us what happens when a member of the Crimson Magic Clan really gets mad!”
Was this old fart telling me to blow away a bunch of police officers with my magic?
“I can’t do that. I’m not able to exercise any control over my spell. I can’t use my magic in town. This entire district would become a smoking ruin!”
“Not to worry! I have just the thing right here!” Zesta proudly presented me with his ill-gotten toilet paper. “Wrap this around your face, and they’ll never know who did it!”
“Y-you must be the stupidest…! I can’t do that!”
We were on our way home from another lecture at the police station.
“I’m starting to think I see why the Axis Church can’t get any converts. I think it’s because of every single thing you do.”
“And I think that upstanding believers gained through conventional methods lack any kind of interest at all. Am I wrong?”
This man was hopeless.
“What a mess this has been. I’m going home.”
“M-Megumin, just one more job, please! Do the one you taught me earlier! You know, where you fall down and get some passerby to help you!”
&n
bsp; “Ugh,” I replied, but Zesta put his hands together beseechingly.
“I’m begging you! …Ooh, what perfect timing! Here comes a luckless- but very kind-looking girl! I’m sure she wouldn’t leave you lying in the street! Pleeeaaaase!”
Oh, for—
I informed Zesta in no uncertain terms that this was the last time, and then I hid in a side street to get ready.
“Megumin, now!”
On Zesta’s signal, I jumped out of the alley and tripped as convincingly as I could. “…Ohhh!” I exclaimed. “Urrrghhh… How could I trip in such a place…?” I lay there, conveying my inability to get up.
Now help the pitiful girl before you!
“…Argh, I seem to have skinned my knee. Oh, I can’t move from the pain… !”
C’mon, quick!
“……Ah, what if bacteria should get in the wound, and I get gangrene, and…?”
“What are you doing?”
I twitched. That voice was very, very familiar.
“………” I resisted answering.
“Megumin…what exactly are you doing?”
She had called me Megumin. That pretty much confirmed my guess as to who we had tried to entrap. Still on the ground and unable to stop myself from sweating, I considered whether to simply pretend I was dead and hope she would go away.
“What are you doooooing?!”
“Ahhhh, Yunyun, stop—I really did skin my knee, it hurts, please stop!”
Yunyun (what was she doing here?) started whaling on me before I could stand up.
6
We were in a park that seemed largely abandoned.
“Honestly… You are my rival, for what it’s worth, so I wish you wouldn’t do such disgraceful things. Why were you pulling that idiotic stunt anyway? You fall down out of nowhere, cry for help, and then what?”
Yunyun had forced me to sit formally while she lectured me. Beside me for some reason, also seated formally, was Zesta himself, fidgeting and looking very, very hopeful.
…No doubt he was hoping to have some discipline administered by this attractive younger woman.
“You want to know the inspiration for this idiocy? Ask the man beside me.”
“Yes, by all means, ask me, please.”
“What?” Yunyun looked a little disgusted, but she said, “…I’ve been wondering: Who are you? What’s your relationship to Megumin?”
“I wander this town as her companion… Or maybe I should say, as one who walks the same path. The one thing I can say for certain is that we can’t be described with any word so superficial as friends.”
“Whaaaat?!”
“Listen, this girl is very gullible, so I shall ask you to stop running your mouth about stupid things.”
Yunyun stood there repeating Zesta’s utterances of “companion” and “walks the same path” with a grim expression on her face. I decided to turn the tables and ask her something that had been bugging me. “By the way, Yunyun, why are you here?”
“Huh?! W-well, you know…” Her lecturing demeanor spontaneously vanished.
………
“Could it be that you followed me out of concern?”
“N-n-no, definitely not! Training! That’s right—I’m on a journey to train! I know you plan to go make it as an adventurer, Megumin, so I have to get out of the village myself if I want to keep up with you! And the monsters around Crimson Magic Village are just too powerful; I can’t handle them on my own…!”
Only the very last words of this rambling explanation sounded anything like the truth. It was true: Yunyun could use only intermediate magic. The local monsters around our village would probably be too much for her.
“Well, it’s certainly the case that even high-level adventuring parties find our village dangerous. As for me, after being fired from a series of jobs, I was found by a priestess of the Axis Church, brought home like a stray cat, and ultimately induced to help them win converts.”
“Yes, my dear Megumin here has given us a great deal of guidance on how to gain new members.”
“S-so that’s what you’ve been up to. But the Axis Church…?” Yunyun looked at Zesta and backed up a few steps, frightened. She must have been thinking of the Church’s nefarious reputation. And speaking of Zesta…
“Seeing such forbidden fruit tremble—ahhh, it has a savor all its own…” He decided to pick this moment to sigh happily and mumble untoward nothings.
I wonder if I could explode an entire religion.
“Uh, Megumin, I’m starting to have reservations about staying in this town a moment longer… Anyway, I thought you were trying to get to Axel.”
“I am. But I haven’t managed to save up the carriage fare, so I’m stuck here for a while. I’ll need to get a job or something.”
Zesta, still seated beside me, started shaking my shoulder anxiously. “Megumin, my dear Megumin. Who is this unfortunate-looking girl? Please introduce your old pal Zesta!”
“Unfortunate? O-okay, so I don’t have many friends, but that’s not something I want to hear from some old fogey I’ve just met!”
“This girl, who looks like the type to always draw the short stick, is Yunyun: a fellow wizard from my hometown. Apparently, inspired by yours truly, she has decided to undertake a training journey.”
Zesta nodded knowingly. “To be forced to sit formally by such a woman is certainly a dream come true. But if my experience is anything to go by, it shouldn’t be long now until some passerby notices us here and informs the police. What say we return to the church before any officers get here, and we can continue our discussion there?”
Then he gave us a pleasant smile.
7
Zesta opened the door of the church and said drolly:
“Well now, what kind of role-play is this?”
“I-it’s not role-play! Zesta, pontifex of the Axis Church, a warrant has been issued for your arrest. I’ll have to ask you to come to the station with me.”
On our return to the Axis Church, we were greeted by a female knight at the head of a contingent of police officers. Two of them stepped up alongside Zesta, taking his arms and making to drag him away. The priest was completely astonished.
“Who are you,” I asked, “and what are you doing? To arrest a man without even stating charges—that’s despotism. This person has been with me all day today. Shall I provide testimony as to his alibi?”
I stood in the doorway to block them…!
“Lord Zesta! What have you done this time?! We warned you about your little one-man games!”
“Did your sexual harassment of beautiful Eris priestesses finally go too far?”
“Or is this about the time you went to the town officials, shouting, ‘As a servant of Aqua, the goddess of water, surely there is no one more fit to be the lifeguard at the pool than I! The children! You must allow me to watch over the children!’”
“Or maybe it’s that rant about ‘If a woman buys men’s underwear, nobody cares, but let a man try to buy women’s underwear and everyone talks about him behind his back. That’s discrimination!’”
When the chatter of the devotees reached my ears, I stepped aside and opened the path again. “Go right ahead.”
“Thank you for your cooperation.”
I bowed to the female knight and was about to put the Axis Church behind me for good when…
“My dear Megumin, how can you abandon me now?! And after we shared the experience of that wonderful new kink, being made to sit out in public and be lectured?!”
“P-people will get the wrong idea if you say that! Anyway, don’t pretend I’m like you; it’s very problematic!”
Zesta, who had shoved away the police officers and clung to me looking for help, turned this time to the female knight. “There’s something wrong with all this. I can’t be arrested more than once per day. Isn’t that what we decided, you and I? I’ve already been to the precinct once today!”
“When did ‘we’ ever decide anything of the sort?!
…Lord Zesta, I must ask you to listen seriously. This problem isn’t going to go away with a lecture and a slap on the wrist.”
“You’re telling me you want to do a little prisoner role-play?”
“Oh, for—! Talking with you makes my head hurt!” the knight said, clutching her temples. “As worshippers of the goddess of water, the Axis Church is charged with looking after the town’s hot springs… But starting yesterday, there’s been a series of complaints about the baths. The water’s not up to quality, people say.” She looked coldly at Zesta.
“…? Come to think of it, I do vaguely remember something of the sort being in that mountain of reports. But I was so busy with haras—I mean, thwarting those evil priests and guiding lost sheep into the light that I let it slide… Very well, let our church investigate the main spring.”
But the knight was ready for him. “That won’t be necessary.” She thrust a sheet of paper in his face. “Have a look at this. You’re wanted on suspicion of treasonable conspiracy!”
“Threesome-able what…? That sounds deliciously scandalous, if I may say so.”
“It’s written right there on the paper! …Some information reached Arcanletia’s leaders from the Crimson Magic Clan, with whom this town has always had a close relationship. You’ve heard the stories, haven’t you? About the incredible fortune-teller who lives in Crimson Magic Village?”
An incredible fortune-teller from our village?
…Could she be talking about Soketto?
“‘Crisis shall one day befall Arcanletia. When you see strange happenings from the hot springs, beware the overseer of the baths. He is himself a servant of the Demon King’… That’s a prophecy straight from the fortune-teller’s mouth. ‘Strange happenings from the hot springs’? Sounds a lot like what’s going on now. Which would imply that you, the current overseer of the baths, are an agent of the Demon King working for this town’s destructi— Aaaahhhh!”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing, little girl! Do you suggest that our religion, whose tenets include ‘Thou shalt kill demons’ and ‘Thou shalt make fun of the Demon King’ would ever have trucked with demons?! How dare you let such foolishness come out of your mouth! Here, I shall purify it with a kiss!”
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