I watch as my momma continues in vain to restrain the pig. “No. Apparently, she’s got a thing for you.”
Cullen cackles. “Who’d have thought the pig’s a lesbian, too?”
I throw the first thing I see, which happens to be a cookie, and then get scolded for all the crumbs.
But that pig is a smart one. She knows my momma is distracted. Sappho twists a few times and then is free from my momma’s grasp. She comes barreling toward Kendall again but slows down once she gets to the couch. The next thing I know, Sappho is sitting on the couch, worming her way between Kendall and me, all while getting her fair share of piggy sugar.
“I have no idea what came over her,” my momma says, shaking her head. “I was just waiting for her to start humping your leg.”
Aunt Dinah has gone back to unpacking and hanging ornaments. It seems the excitement of the pig attack is dying down.
Carefully, I sweep cookie crumbs into my hand and let Sappho lick them off while Kendall scratches her ears.
Cullen ignores us all, shirking his decorating responsibilities so that he can stare vacantly at the television. He’s watching The Nightmare Before Christmas for the millionth time with his mouth hanging wide open.
“Oh, would you look at this!” Aunt Dinah sighs wistfully to my momma. “It’s our first Christmas ornament.”
I don’t even have to see it to know what she’s talking about. It’s in the shape of a heart. The front is like a mirror so that they will always see themselves reflected as the years pass. Etched on the front of the glass is one simple word: Always. As a boy, I liked to play with that ornament in particular.
My momma stands next to Aunt Dinah with a grin. “I still remember when you gave it to me, every single second. You had me stand underneath the mistletoe Cullen nailed on the door frame. You had me close my eyes. Then, when I opened them, you were holding it at your heart. Then we—”
“Who wants coffee?” I ask a little too loudly because what happened next was a total make-out fest and I don’t want that to be disclosed. “Can’t have cookies without coffee. Why don’t y’all come help me? I don’t know how to use your coffeepot.”
My momma and Aunt Dinah look at me as if I’ve lost what few marbles I may have had to begin with.
I raise my eyebrows, hoping that they’ll figure out I mean business. They’re slow to follow, but eventually, we’re all in the safety of the kitchen. My momma starts the pot of coffee while Aunt Dinah gets all the mugs. Me, I’m pacing.
Aunt Dinah hands me the sugar bowl. “Is there something wrong with you?”
“Apparently, Kendall doesn’t know we’re lesbians,” my momma says.
“That seems like a key piece of information to leave out.”
I rub my eyes until they hurt. “I know that. It’s just I wanted to ease her into the idea. You guys know how hard it has been for me to have girlfriends stick around in the past. All I’m asking for is just a little bit of time to explain it to her. I figure, now that she’s here, it’s gonna be kind of hard for her to back out, you know?”
Cullen pops his head into the kitchen. “Can I help with the coffee?”
I know my brother far too well. “Let me guess. You just shoved three or four cookies in your mouth, and now it’s dry as hell and you need something to drink. You aren’t really back here to help.”
“How’d you know that?” He straightens up as he walks into the kitchen.
“You have crumbs all over your face and down your shirt. Anyway, could you not make any more lesbian references? Please?”
He cocks an eyebrow. “Why?”
“Because I haven’t told Kendall that Momma and Aunt Dinah are gay.”
“Dude, not cool. You really should’ve told her that.”
“Oh, shut the hell up!” I get Cullen in a headlock. I raise my knee to get him in the groin or stomach—whichever I can get before he beats my ass—but then the sting of the dreaded flyswatter licks my cheek. My momma has used it on us since we were kids. If we were naughty and she couldn’t reach us, the flyswatter always could, perfect for getting at us in the backseat of the car.
“Both of you shut the hell up!” Momma roars.
Cullen and I are immediately quiet. So is Aunt Dinah for some reason.
“Quit picking on your brother, Cullen. And, Deke, just tell the girl the truth. Ease her into it if you feel necessary, but don’t drag it out. Now we’re all going to go back out to the living room; we’re going to drink coffee and eat Christmas cookies and decorate the tree, and we’re going to have a damn good time. So get your shit together!”
Back in the living room, Sappho is sound asleep on the couch, but Kendall is buzzing around the tree. She offers us a smile. “I got the rest of the ornaments up. There aren’t any more in the box. I really like the Bettie Page one.”
My cheeks are on fire. I roll up the sleeves of my sweater, trying not to notice Bettie’s bullet bra from around the pine needles. Who has scantily clad female figurines for Christmas ornaments? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.
I sit down and prepare my coffee. Kendall eventually joins me on the couch, but Sappho doesn’t even stir.
Cullen claps his hands together and rubs them hard. “I think we should plug this baby in and see what these lights can do.”
I stop in mid-sip. “You mean you didn’t plug the lights in first to see if they work? Like before you put them on the tree?”
“Nope.” Cullen grins. “Sure didn’t.”
Aunt Dinah sighs and shakes her head. “He said he had a better idea. He brought his own lights and this thing.” She motions to what appears to be a homemade control box or panel box.
“I rigged them to do some really cool patterns and stuff.”
My momma nods. “He said he had it under control, so I let him do it,” she says around a mouthful of cookie. “It was one less thing I had to worry about. Hey, anyone want some whiskey in their coffee? I just realized I still have my flask in my pocket.”
Kendall leans in close to me and whispers, “Your mother has her own flask?”
“Don’t ask questions,” I whisper back. “Just keep it moving.”
Cullen clears his throat, commanding our attention as he stands next to the tree with the box in his hands. “Ladies and gents, I present to you the best Christmas tree ever!” He flicks a switch, turns a knob, and…nothing. We sit there in an awkward sort of silence, staring at the tree as if we’re all missing something. He flicks the switch twice and then turns the knob, keeps turning it until it can go no farther.
The tree comes to life with multicolored lights doing amazing things. Squares popping up here, all sorts of vertical and horizontal lines. It’s impressive—until Kendall put her nose in the air.
“What’s that smell?” She sniffs again. “It smells like burning hair and cooked meat.”
Lightbulbs explode all over the tree, sending tiny fragments of glass to the floor. Deep within the tree, the first white-hot sparks of an electrical fire glimmer.
“Fire!” I shout. “Someone get some water!” I push Kendall behind me and run to the tree. What the hell am I going to do? Put it out with my bare hands? Not knowing what else to do, I stick my hand inside my shirtsleeve and start hitting the burning branch.
Something leaps from the tree and onto the floor.
Kendall and Aunt Dinah squeal.
The fire is starting to spread higher, catching the skirt of the angel tree topper. My momma and Cullen emerge from the kitchen with pitchers of water to douse the flame. They heave their pitchers at the tree. Water drenches the tree and everything around it, even the back of the wall. All we can do is stare dumbfounded at the tree.
“What the hell was that?” my momma shrieks. “And why does it smell like shit in here?”
Sappho is standing over something, nosing it around.
Cullen uses one foot to push her away and then bends down to get a better look. “Oh, sick!”
“What? What is it
?” Momma asks.
“It’s a squirrel that just rode the lightning.” Cullen picks it up by the tail, holding it away from him.
Out of my own morbid curiosity, I go back to the tree, quickly unplug the strand of lights from the wall socket, and start pulling at the lights. There, securely attached to one strand, is yet another charred squirrel. Teeth marks cover the piece of plastic.
“Where did you get the tree at?” I ask. “Most places make sure their trees are free from critters.”
My momma looks away. “Well, we didn’t exactly buy it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Trees are expensive, you know. So we just went for a ride one day, found this here tree, thought it looked nice, used the chainsaw, and brought it home.”
I stand perfectly still, holding the strand of lights with the squirrel carcass dangling. “Where did you get it from? Please tell me you didn’t steal it.”
“Okay, we didn’t steal it.”
Aunt Dinah nods her head emphatically. “We’re just borrowing it.”
My eyeball is starting to twitch. Without another word, Cullen and I clean up the mess. We throw the squirrels into their mass grave (aka the garbage can) along with the blown lights and torched angel. No lights on the tree this year. Hell, we have only half a tree. I swear Murphy’s Law is real.
My momma changes the channel to TBS. I overhear her telling Kendall how I tend to get my “panties in a wad very easily.”
“We’re in the same room. I can hear you fine.” I take a deep breath, trying hard not to let my frustration show.
“I know you can, sweetie. I have no reason to say it behind your back.” Her voice is sickeningly smug. She pats me on the back as she exits the room with Aunt Dinah on her heels.
With the stink of squirrel fritters still permeating the air, I excuse myself from the living room. Cullen and Kendall are completely engrossed in A Christmas Story. At this point, only one thing matters to me.
I’ve had to poop since we got here.
I take the stairs two at a time up to the guest bathroom, but I stop first to grab some reading material, The Ape’s Wife by Caitlin R. Kiernan. Man, do I love that woman. With one Superman-style leap I’m in the bathroom, my pants are around my ankles, and I’m on the john. I’ve read six pages or so when someone starts banging on the door.
“Someone’s in here,” I call. “And will be for a while.”
Kendall huffs on the other side of the door. “That’s not good enough.” She hisses like a big-ass, pissed-off anaconda. The doorknob jiggles and in she comes, her brow furrowed, lips pursed.
I, personally, am mortified. “Um, hi, Kendall. A little privacy, please?” Covering my lap with the book, I struggle to pull my pants up to my knees.
But she doesn’t leave. Instead, she sits on the side of the bathtub and flushes the toilet. Her brow softens a little. “That was a courtesy flush.”
I know I must be the color of a pickled beet. “Yeah, I figured. Can this wait just a few seconds?”
“I just saw something, and I’m not sure I understand it,” she continues as if I hadn’t spoken. “I’m hoping you can help me understand it, though.”
“Can I please just finish pooping?”
“Why did I just find your mother and your aunt, who isn’t really your aunt, making out in the pantry?”
She could have said she saw them kill Sappho and make pork ribs for dinner. She could have said she caught Cullen masturbating. Anything would have been better than that. I stammer; I stutter, and that only seems to piss her off more.
“Out with it, Deke! What the hell is going on?”
With a sigh, I give up on regaining my dignity. I let my pants fall back to my ankles. “Kendall, the reason my aunt Dinah isn’t really my aunt is because she’s my momma’s partner. If they could get married in the state of Georgia, they would. I technically have two moms.”
“So they’re lesbians?”
“Yes.”
Kendall’s eyes narrow to tiny slits. I’ve seen that look before, and I know I’m screwed. “And you didn’t think this was important enough to tell me? You thought it was okay to hide this? To keep a secret?”
“It’s not what you think, Kendall. It’s not like that at all.”
But she’s already heading out the door. She mumbles something as she stomps into our borrowed room and slams the door. She didn’t bother to shut the bathroom door, though.
I scramble to finish my business and then fly downstairs. I find my momma and Aunt Dinah in the kitchen, talking softly.
“Have you two gone absolutely bat shit crazy?” Probably not the best way to start the conversation.
“Just calm down,” Aunt Dinah says. “I know what this looks like.”
“Yeah, it looks bad! Kendall won’t even speak to me now. She’s locked herself in our room.”
“Honey, you have to understand. We spent so much of our lives in the closet before, we didn’t think it would be a problem to go back in for a few minutes more.”
My patience is wearing thin. What if this messes up any chance I’ll ever have with Kendall? “Momma! You were playing tonsil hockey in a closet with food in it!”
“Well, at least we wouldn’t starve,” chimes Aunt Dinah from her place at the breakfast nook. She and my momma share a chuckle, but all I can do is roll my eyes.
“All I told you to do was to not act gay. Just to give me time to introduce the idea to Kendall and then I’d tell you when it was safe.” As those words pass from my lips into the open air, I realize I have made a huge mistake. A hurtful mistake. An epic mistake. See, if Momma isn’t happy, no one is happy. And I can tell by the look passing over her eyes that the excrement is about to hit the oscillating unit, if you catch my drift.
“Excuse me? Did you just say you want me and Dinah to not ‘act gay’? You think this is an act? Like we can just turn it on and off as if it’s something as inconsequential as a garden hose?” she asks me quietly. My momma is never quiet. This is very, very, very bad.
“Momma, that isn’t how I meant it.”
“Is that a fact, Deke? Because I get the feeling you might be just a little ashamed of us. Since we don’t look like the cast of It’s a Wonderful Life, you think you can’t bring home a young lady who is important to you, who may even become part of our family. That’s mighty shallow of you, boy. I thought we raised you better than that.” Tears are welling up in her eyes. Her voice is beginning to crack and shake.
Aunt Dinah rushes to her side.
Now, I’ve seen my momma cry before, and I’ve even been the one to make her cry, but never over this. I can tell she’s getting ready to let me have it again, but Aunt Dinah hushes her.
Hanging my head like a whipped puppy, I grab my coat and scuff out the backdoor. It’s snowing now, pretty hard, too, by Georgia standards. Trudging out to the gazebo that will be surrounded by wisteria in the spring, I flop down in the big swing. I shove a hand in my jeans pocket. The little green box is still there, but I take it out and open it anyway. Nestled inside sits a brilliant pear-cut diamond for the woman I know I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. I brought her here to meet my family and so I could ask her to marry me in front of the three most important people in my life. Now everyone thinks I’m an asshole. I’m throwing myself a pity party now, and it’s pretty damn pitiful.
“Whatcha got there?”
I jump at the sound of my momma’s voice.
She’s standing in front of me, wearing an old Slayer hoodie that was black once upon a time, and points to the box. “Is that what I think it is?”
“What do you think it is?” I ask as she sits next to me.
She leans in close and squeezes my knee. “Deacon, that is one beautiful ring. So, she’s the one?”
“She’s the one.” I smile. “I never forgot what you told me about how you knew Aunt Dinah was the one. I kept that wedged in my brain. When Kendall came along, I just knew.”
“And so it g
oes.”
We sit quietly for several minutes, just watching the snow fall. I scoot closer to her after a while and wrap an arm around her shoulders. “Do you remember when I was a little kid and you gave me your ‘super secret bestest piece of advice ever’? Do you remember what it was?”
“Always bring a towel?” she asks.
“No, but that was a good one.”
“Hmmm. Was it always wear clean underwear just in case you wind up in the hospital and they have to cut your clothes off?”
I laugh out loud because she really did tell me that as a kid. “Not that one either. C’mon, Momma, think harder.”
“Never mix food and sex. It’s gross.”
“No!” Now we’re both laughing like fools. “You told me to never be afraid to apologize. So, I’m sorry for not telling Kendall the truth, and I’m sorry for expecting you and Aunt Dinah to be anyone but who you are.”
“Oh, Deke,” she whispers and kisses my cheek, “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. If you would have just told me what she meant to you and that you were bringing her here to…” She trails off, looking toward the backdoor.
Aunt Dinah, Cullen, and Kendall—all smiles—are heading straight for us.
My momma rises from her spot next to me. “Now’s as good a time as any. Don’t screw this up, Deke.”
“Thanks, Momma.” I chuckle. I stand, take Kendall’s hand, and help her sit on the swing before sitting next to her.
Aunt Dinah has her arm around Momma’s waist, and I realize she’s wearing her ugly, bright orange University of Tennessee slippers, which makes me chuckle more. Cullen is holding Sappho, who is sporting a new sweater. A peace settles about me, and I know now is the time. But before I can speak, Aunt Dinah clears her throat.
“The house still smells really, really bad…and I think Miss Kendall would like to say something.”
She actually looks like she’s going to pop if she doesn’t get it out. “Deke, I am so sorry. I overreacted.” She takes my hand. “I don’t care that you have two mothers—or a mother and an aunt who isn’t really your aunt. That doesn’t bother me one bit. I guess the part that upset me was that you felt the need to hide it. You know me better than that. You’ve been my best friend since the day you forgot your name when you introduced yourself to me.”
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