by Susan Tan
ACDCBFO
PNMXQR … WHOAH!!
“Don’t listen, Ye Ye!” I shouted. And then, “Also, not quite, Gwen. But GREAT rhymes.” I smiled at her. “You’ll get there eventually, don’t worry.”
Gwen beamed up at me, and I hoped my dad had noticed, because I’m a Very Supportive Sister and should really be Babysitting all the time at this point.
We spent the rest of our visit singing, and Ye Ye’s roommate, Ronnie, is so nice because he didn’t mind at all, and in fact, asked one of nurses to bring us Popsicles (which is the mark of a very good kind of person).
“Just wait till next time, Ye Ye,” I said with a big smile as we got ready to go, and my dad translated for me. “And if this doesn’t work, I’ll find another strategy—I know we’ll get there!”
Ye Ye grinned and said something in Chinese.
“He can’t wait,” my dad said.
So as you can see, things were going really well. And I was very hopeful.
Until school on Wednesday, which is when the fuhstration began.
It all started at recess. The morning had been good, and lunch had been French toast sticks (which is always a sign of a good day).
We’d all giggled and joked together because Ms. Paradise has a new Theme, which is Teamwork. So she keeps saying things like, “We’re a team, and a good team works together!” Or “Ask yourself—is this a team problem or a Ms. Moody problem?” When she talks about what to do if we’re upset or have fights or get mad at each other.
And it’s funny because (1) teams are great, but I’m never going to like Mimi Donnelly, and definitely don’t think she’s on my team, and (2) Ms. Moody is nice (and surprisingly cheerful, despite her name), but does she really want us to bug her every time Jeff steals Alien-Face’s hat and won’t give it back and they sort-of-fight but sort-of-play at recess? I don’t think so.
Anyway, as we left lunch, we were laughing about Ms. Paradise’s new sayings, which include “Team is tantamount” and “Teamwork makes the dream work.” (Sigh.)
Colleen had to stay behind for a few minutes for a yearbook meeting. So Melissa and I ran excitedly out to the field to check on our fairy houses from the week before (they always fall apart, and we like to pretend it’s from the fairies using them to have giant dance parties, not the wind, rain, and snow, which is more likely).
We were playing and laughing and having such a good time that we barely noticed when the yearbook committee came walking out of the building.
“Hey, guys!” Colleen called, waving and heading in our direction.
“Oh, Colleen!” I said, leaping to my feet and brushing grass off my jeans.
Colleen came running toward us, though when she walked by the climbing structure and the kids playing there, she veered away, taking a long way around.
I wondered why, and was going to ask her.
But then I saw that there were other members of the yearbook committee also coming toward us.
And walking with Sasha was Mimi Donnelly.
“What are you guys doing?” Colleen asked.
“Um,” I said. Mimi stopped at the edge of the playground, right where she could hear us.
“Well,” Melissa said, “We—”
“Nothing much,” I said quickly, cutting her off. “Just some Silly kids’ stuff.”
“Oh,” Melissa said.
“Well, Sasha wanted to play kickball,” Colleen said. “Do you want to play, Melissa? You could coach us, Cilla, or come and watch and cheer.”
“Um,” I said.
“Sure,” Melissa said quietly. “I’ll play. Meet you at the field.” And she walked away from us without saying another word, toward the kickball field.
“Are you okay?” Colleen looked at me, puzzled, and at Melissa’s back.
“Yeah,” I said, even though that was NOT how I was feeling. “You go play, Colleen,” I said. “I don’t mind.”
Colleen frowned like she was trying to figure something out. But she couldn’t.
“Okay,” she said finally. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
She went racing over to join the others, and I waved because I didn’t want her to think I was upset or anything.
But I felt a hard, bad feeling in my stomach. Because I knew I’d hurt Melissa’s feelings.
I thought I’d go see if Alien-Face wanted to play, but he was on the monkey bars with Tim #1, and he looked so happy, I didn’t want to bother him.
I thought about sitting on the swings on my own. But that didn’t feel fun, plus all I could think about was who was watching me, and what Mimi would say when she heard I’d been sitting by myself.
“Can I go to the library early?” I asked Mr. McKinstry, the recess monitor.
“Sure,” he said. “You feeling oka—Hey, no running up the slide, Josh, you know that.…” He dashed away toward the third graders. It seemed like permission enough, so I made my way toward the school building.
I was just at the door when I heard my name.
“Cilla!”
I turned.
It was Mimi Donnelly.
“Um…,” I stammered, trying to hide my surprise. “Hi,” I said.
“Hi.” She jogged to catch up with me and then stopped. “I, uh, liked your story in writing yesterday,” she said quietly, like she was trying to find the right thing to say. “I thought the plot twist with the goblin was cool. Everyone else’s was kind of boring.”
“Thanks,” I said. I wondered what she wanted.
“I…” She paused. “I just wanted to know if you’d like to hang out,” she said, in one quick burst. “Lisa and Amanda aren’t here, and I was going to hang out with Sasha, but now she’s playing kickball with Melissa and Colleen. And, I dunno, we could go to the swings. Selena Moon and the Jenny Ojukwo series are my favorite books too. Have you read the newest Jenny book?”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I LOVE talking about Selena Moon and Jenny Ojukwo, and even though I’d tried to pretend I didn’t, I actually also liked Mimi’s stories in writing (hers had been about a talking stone lion, and it was excellent, and I really wanted to know what happens).
But then I remembered who I was talking to.
She probably just wanted to find funny things to tell Lisa and Amanda about me later. Plus she was going to make fun of my story-making and the books I like and think they were for little kids.
“Sorry,” I said quietly. “I’m not going to stay at recess today. I’m just going to the library.”
“Oh, okay.” Mimi looked down.
“See you later,” I mumbled, also looking down. Then I turned and walked into the building.
It was all very strange, because I knew I was going to one of my favorite places, and Mimi isn’t my friend anyway, she’s a FOE. Which means I’m supposed to defeat her and DEFINITELY not supposed to feel bad for her. Plus it’s not like I was mean to her or anything—I just wanted to sit and read.
But even knowing all these things, walking away and leaving Mimi all by herself on the cement sidewalk in front of the playground didn’t feel great.
Which was fuhstrating.
It was just Ms. Clutter and our assistant librarian, Ms. Goia, in the library. (For the record, Ms. Clutter was wearing another AMAZING scarf—it was silver, and it swept around her face and down her back, and her glasses were silver to match. I bet they can also shoot lasers if she needs to, to defend the school from the Forces of Darkness, but that’s just a guess.)
“Cilla!” Ms. Clutter said as she saw me. “You’re here early.”
“Yeah,” I said, a little shyly. “Mr. McKinstry said I could come.”
“Didn’t feel like recess?” she asked.
I shook my head, and I hoped she wouldn’t ask me more, because I REALLY didn’t want to talk about it.
“I understand,” she said. “Just one of those days, huh?”
I nodded and smiled. I can always count on Ms. Clutter to understand me.
I found a book and went to sit in a
squishy blue armchair in the corner of the library. Usually when I read, I can’t hear other things. So if someone’s having a conversation, it won’t distract me—in fact, I might not even notice it’s happening.
But maybe it was the fuhstration, or maybe it was the name of some of my favorite books of all time. Because I’d only just started getting into my story, when I heard—
“Like the Selena Moon series?” Ms. Goia asked.
“Exactly,” Ms. Clutter said. “We’ll have a ‘If you liked Selena Moon, you’ll like’ List. That gives the kids another source of books, other than the color-code system.”
“I love it,” Ms. Goia said. “Let’s see. Selena Moon is fantasy, so maybe the Dark Machinery series?”
“Oh, not that!” I said, before I realized that I was listening in to their conversation (which my mom says is rude, even though she does it all the time), and interrupting (which is very rude, and much less fun than listening in on conversations). “Oh, sorry.” I smiled sheepishly, worried they’d be angry.
“No, no, go on,” Ms. Clutter said. “You don’t think that’s a good book for the list?”
“No,” I said. “No offense, Ms. Goia—I LOVE the Dark Machinery series. But Selena Moon is all about magic and magic spells, and Dark Machinery is more about inventions, and there’s only magic at the end. So a reader might be disappointed and stop reading, if they were expecting a story just like Selena Moon. But there are so many other books that could grab them in from the very beginning, like the Jenny Ojukwo series, or Annalee Appletree. And they have magic AND brave heroines, just like Selena Moon, and there are five books in the Jenny Ojukwo series. So I think it’s better for your list, because it will encourage readers, and they’ll try new things.”
“Wow, thank you, Cilla.” Ms. Clutter smiled, and I was relieved to see that Ms. Goia was also smiling, so she wasn’t mad that I hadn’t liked her idea. “That’s really helpful. Hey,” Ms. Clutter said, “do you want to help us with these lists? We could really use expertise like yours.”
“Really?!” I asked, leaping up, my fuhstration forgotten.
Because this was AMAZING.
“Absolutely!” Ms. Clutter said. “Pull over a chair.” I sat down at the table with Ms. Clutter and Ms. Goia (which felt VERY grown-up).
“Now,” Ms. Clutter went on. “They can’t all be long books—we need lists that students who might have trouble with reading will also be able to enjoy.”
“I understand.” I nodded. “I had a really hard time learning to read.”
“Really?” Ms. Clutter asked, and she looked surprised.
“Yeah,” I said with a smile. “I definitely have some suggestions. The trick is to have a book that’s interesting and Dramatic, but short enough that you don’t get discouraged and want to throw it…”
I spent the rest of recess with Ms. Clutter and Ms. Goia, talking about books.
Which makes the world feel like a much nicer place. No matter how fuhstrated you maybe were before.
* * *
After recess I went back to class. For the rest of the day I tried to be extra nice to Melissa.
And Melissa smiled back, so it seemed maybe all right.
I was feeling better. I started to think about all the things I could do to make everything okay, and how maybe I’d bring Melissa candy tomorrow. And Auntie Eva was going to be there when I got in, and I couldn’t wait to tell her about Ms. Clutter, and about how I was helping a librarian make a reading list, and—“Cilla,” my dad came racing out the front door, the phone tucked under his ear. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I meant to meet you at the bus.”
“Hi, Dad!” I said. “Where’s Auntie Eva? Also I have so much to tell you and I need your advice, and—”
“Of course,” he said. “But first, I need to get to the hospital. Ye Ye’s okay, but he’s had a fall.”
I felt like you do when a gym ball hits you in the stomach.
“What?” I asked.
“He’ll be absolutely fine,” my dad said. “Auntie Eva’s there with him now. It’s not anything serious—it’s just a setback.”
“But how did that happen?” I asked. He’s been doing so well, and he’s using his walker, and—”
“These things happen sometimes, Cilla,” my dad said. “Ye Ye got a bit impatient, and you know how stubborn he can be. But the doctors were right there to help him. We just have to figure out what this means for him in the long run, that’s all.”
“Okay,” I said quietly.
“Now, I need to go pick up Auntie Eva. But your Grandma Jenkins is here to watch you all.”
“Can’t I come with you?” I asked.
“Well, it’s mostly going to be driving. I might not even see Ye Ye—he’s resting.”
“I’d just like to be there,” I said. “If that’s okay.”
My dad put his hand on my shoulder.
“Of course.”
I was quiet in the car. My dad asked me about my day, but I didn’t really want to talk about it, no matter how much he said, “No, really, sweetie, I’d love to know. Did anything exciting happen? How was school? What advice do you need?”
But I just kept saying, “It was okay. Just a normal day.”
Because all the good feelings from Ms. Clutter had gone away. And all the bad feelings about Melissa were still bad, but felt Silly to talk about, knowing Ye Ye had fallen.
My dad stopped asking questions after a while. But just as we turned into the hospital, he looked at me and smiled.
“You know,” he said, “we should do something special one of these days, just the two of us. What do you think? Father-daughter day? Maybe we can go to the aquarium.”
“Yeah!” I said, clapping my hands. “That would be amazing.”
“Perfect,” my dad said.
When we turned down Ye Ye’s hallway, Auntie Eva was there.
“Auntie Eva!” I ran to her, and she lifted me off the ground in a big hug.
“Cilla!” she said. “I’m so glad you came. Are you doing okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Are you?”
“Yes,” she said. “Everything’s fine; Dad’s just going to need to stay a bit longer, that’s all.”
“Why don’t you sit in one of the hall chairs, Cilla,” my dad said. “Eva and I will get things settled, and then we can see if Ye Ye’s up to saying hello.”
“Oh, there’s the nurse,” Auntie Eva said.
So she and my dad went to go talk to her, leaving me in the hallway outside of Ye Ye’s room.
I knew I should go sit down. But the door was open. So I peeked in.
I heard voices behind the white curtain.
And even though I knew I shouldn’t, I walked a few steps in, so I could see past it.
Ye Ye was lying in bed, looking tired and pale, and Nai Nai was sitting next to him, and they were arguing.
Ye Ye had a hand over his eyes, and was pinching at them.
I realized he was CRYING.
“Cilla,” my dad, whispered behind me, pulling me back. “Ye Ye’s a bit frustrated, okay? Let’s just give him some space.”
“Okay,” I said softly.
* * *
I sat in the hallway by myself while my dad and Auntie Eva talked with the doctors and nurses. And I wondered just how many Struggles heroes have to go through. In Ms. Stauffer’s class, we learned about a hero who had to go through twelve Trials before his Epic was over, which is A LOT. So compared to him, I should feel lucky.
But this is the hardest Struggle I’ve ever had to deal with.
And I wished I was Wise, all on my own, and could make it all better, right then and there.
When I was allowed to go back in later, Ye Ye seemed okay. He gave me a hug, and said, “Ngoh oi neih.”
He said something in Chinese to my dad, in the Confused Voice he has a lot now.
“He wants to know if you understood, Cilla,” my dad said, patting his shoulder in a calming way.
“Of course,” I s
aid. And I bent down for one more sideways hug and put my arm across him.
“Ngoh oi neih, Ye Ye,” I said.
* * *
My mom stopped by to bring Nai Nai some dinner, and Gwen came in with her and gave Ye Ye a kiss on the cheek.
While the adults said goodbye and planned who was going to sit with Ye Ye tomorrow, I sat with Gwen on the plastic chairs in Ye Ye’s room and taught her how to say “ngoh oi neih” too. (Though quietly, because Ye Ye was asleep.)
“Woh eye knee!” she yell-whispered. Which was very close on both the Chinese and sound volume counts.
“Great job, Gwen,” I whispered back. “I love you too.”
Then she giggled (but quietly) and whispered, “Cilla, do Batman!”
So then I was Batman (but on a silent, stealth mission). Batman swooshed, and dipped, and Gwen gave me whispered suggestions for what he should do, and the crimes he should stop, and the people he should save.
I drove home with my dad and Auntie Eva and Gwen, while my mom went to the grocery store to get food for dinner. Gwen fell asleep, which she always does in the car. And even though it was still (sort of) daytime, that didn’t seem like the worst idea.
I closed my eyes and thought about all the things that had happened that day. I wasn’t asleep, but I must have looked it, because Auntie Eva and my dad began to talk. The kind of talk that I don’t think they’d say if they knew I was listening.
“Wow,” Auntie Eva said softly. “I’ve never seen Dad cry before.”
“Yeah,” my dad said with a sigh.
“It’s probably good that he’s acknowledging it,” Auntie Eva said. “It’s just hard to see him so upset. Thank you, by the way, big brother.” I opened my eyes a tiny crack, and saw her put an arm on his shoulder. “You’ve been a hero during all of this.”
“Aw, happy to be here, sis. Don’t worry, we’ll get him back to a good place.”
“Yeah. Do you think it will ever be the same, though? Do you think we should look into options, for care?”