by D Gourlay
“Fuck, harder. More, please!” His fingers increase their assault inside of me and before I know it, I’ve grabbed a pillow from under my head and I’m screaming into it as I come violently around Tad’s fingers. I can feel it everywhere, the intense heat spreads out and ends up causing my fingers and toes to tingle.
My body finally starts to relax and my breathing returns to almost normal, when I feel Tad moving the pillow from my face.
“Good girl.” He kisses me softly before I give in and close my eyes.
Tad
Rachel is staring intensely into her cup of tea, examining it in detail.
“Everything okay there?” I nudge her gently and she turns to look at me.
“I think I want coffee.” She says, as if the words don’t quite make sense to her.
“Want me to make you one?” I grin at her.
“A small one won’t hurt, will it?” Her eyes suddenly flash with excitement as I take her cup from her and head into the kitchen.
I feel arms snaking around my waist as I’m pouring the rich coffee into a small cup.
“Oh God, that smells like heaven!” Rachel exhales, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Milk?” I ask.
“No, just gimme!” She snatches the hot cup from my hands and deeply breathes in the invigorating scent of roasted beans. Her eyes close as she takes a sip, and the look of utter satisfaction as she lowers the cup from her lips, makes my cock twitch.
“I’m feeling a little emasculated right now.” I tease as she takes another sip.
She looks confused. “Why?”
“I thought I was the only one who could make you look like that.” I joke, although the comparison between this face, and one that stares back at me after I have made her come is remarkably similar.
She snorts into her cup before taking another long sip, closing her eyes and exhaling softly.
When she has drained the last of her coffee, she sets the mug down on the table and shuffles closer to me on the sofa.
Sunday mornings have become ‘us’ time. Ami stays over at Mary and Leo’s every Saturday now, which gives me and Rach a chance to reconnect a bit. Life seems to be passing by so quickly. Work always seems busy at this time of year, I don’t know if it’s something to do with Christmas and the New Year looming which sends people spiraling into a frenzy of worry about their companies; or if they see it as the time to call it quits and start fresh in the New Year. Either way, the office has been inundated with requests for meeting over the last few weeks.
Rachel has been making cakes with every spare moment she has, and as much as I like that she is doing something she loves to do, I hate seeing her run off her feet. Especially when it isn’t just her I’m worried about. But my worries fall on deaf ears, as I’m often reminded that women have been working and having babies for hundreds of years, so she is fine thank you very much.
Sunday mornings are always spent curled up on the sofa. I have perfected scrambled eggs on toast, so I make breakfast for us both, while Rach catches up on whatever shows she watches when I’m not around!
The last few weekends, we have also taken to reading a page from Rachel’s big scary looking pregnancy book.
“Today, your baby is the size of a cherry.” She reads aloud. “Week nine of your pregnancy at a glance: Your baby’s organs, nerves and muscles are starting to function now. Tiny little fingers are toes are beginning to form. Aw, Tad! Fingers!”
“And toes.” I lean in and kiss her softly on the cheek before my hand slides down protectively on to her stomach.
“Celine has her twelve week scan tomorrow. I can’t wait for that to be us.” She says absentmindedly while still flicking through the book.
Rachel
December has completely run away from me, and I’ve found myself with two weeks to go until Christmas, with not a single present bought.
So I jumped at the chance to go shopping with Celine this afternoon, even if the idea of Christmas shopping crowds fills me with sheer dread.
“What’s wrong with Belinda?” She frowns at me over the top of the maternity dress she is looking at.
“Kids are men Cel, they’d end up calling her Bell-end-a.”
“Bollocks.” She sighs. “Hadn’t thought of that. I just liked Belle as a nickname.” She shrugs.
“Isabelle can be shortened to Belle?”
“One of Dan’s ex-girlfriends was called Isabelle. No thank you.” She screws her face up and pokes out her tongue and I can’t help but laugh.
“What about if it’s a boy?” I ask.
“Oh don’t even ask!” She rolls her eyes. “Danny wants something insane like Canyon, or Theodis, or- I don’t remember, I stopped listening.”
“Why?” I laugh.
“Think’s it will make him sound exotic to the ladies…” Her face is an absolute picture and I can’t hold back the loud bark of laughter that makes two women turn to look at me. I ignore the sudden stab of pain in my lower abdomen and continue to tease Celine about Dan’s choice of baby names for a good few minutes.
“What about you, have you thought of any names yet?” She asks, trying to change the subject.
“Not really. It’s still early days I guess. I’m just trying not to jinx everything, you know?” It’s not that I’m trying to be pessimistic, it’s just the so much has gone wrong over the last couple of years that I’m finding it hard to believe everything is going to be okay. I catch Celine’s eye roll and nudge gently into her.
“Rach, it’s okay to be excited you know? Only a couple of weeks until your second trimester? Just, enjoy it.” She smiles softly at me, and it would do a lot more to ease some of my nerves if I wasn’t so aware of a dull ache that seems to quickly be turning into pain in my stomach. “What’s wrong?” She frowns, concerned, obviously seeing the look on my face as I try not to wince.
“Nothing, I think I might have overdone it a bit today. I’m going to head home.” I say in as calm a voice as I can manage, even though I’m starting to panic.
“Just wait for me to pay for this stuff and I’ll walk you back to your car.” Celine smiles and makes her way to the cashier.
“No, honestly, don’t cut your shopping trip short on my account. I’m fine promise, I’ll call you later.” I quickly lean in and give her a brief kiss on the cheek, before turning and almost running out of the shop before she can stop me. Once outside I gulp cold air into my lungs and try to calm the rising anxiety coursing through me.
A few deep breaths and the pain seems to subside, along with my nerves, but I decide to head home anyway. Maybe a day of resting will do me good. I’m just walking into the car park, when a jolt of searing pain feels like it cuts through me. It knocks the wind out of me and instinctively I drop to my knees and cradle my stomach in my arms. My cheeks are damp and I’m not sure if it’s from the sweat that seems to be pouring from my face or if I’m crying. The pain is agonising, and I’m not even sure I can walk. I look around to see if there is anybody to help me, but I am all alone. Terror grips me as the pain increases and I quickly pull my phone from my coat pocket to call Tad.
“Hey, how’s-”
“Tad!” It’s not the cry or the scream I thought would come, just a whisper, a whisper through the tears that are now falling fast, and I can barely catch my breath to tell him where I am when he asks me, panic evident in his voice.
I turn and sit against a wall while I wait for him and at some point, an elderly lady walks up to me, concern etched on her face.
“Are you okay dear?” She asks softly as she bends down, close enough that my nose is overpowered by the rose scented perfume she is wearing.
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, just the thought of speaking sends more tears rushing to my eyes, blurring my vision and catching any words before any can make it out. So I just nod.
“Is there anything I can do, it’s far too cold for you to be sitting on the floor.” The kindness in her voice makes me close my eyes agai
nst the flood that is preparing itself in my eyes. I simply shake my head. She is about to say something when I hear a car pull up, and a door fly open.
“Rach.” Tad’s soft voice and strong hands are all around me, and before I know it, he is pulling me to my feet and saying something to the old lady. I let him guide me to the car and get in as I watch him walk around the car and climb in next to me.
“Rachel, please tell me what’s wrong.” He begs and I can see fear plastered across his face, eyes wide, flitting between my face and my hands grasping my stomach.
The pain in his eyes makes something snap inside of me. I take a deep breath, straighten my shoulders, and will myself to be strong for him.
“I’ve been having some pain, I’m sorry I called you like I did. I just didn’t want to risk driving home. I-”
“Pain? What pain? Do we need to go to the hospital?” He panics.
“No, let’s go home and I’ll call my midwife.” I fake a smile at him that he doesn’t buy for a second, but without another word he is driving us both home.
“What did she say?” Tad asks as he brings me in a cup of coffee.
“She said that as there is no bleeding, it’s possibly just ligament pain from stretching, so not to worry unless there is any blood.” I know though. I know that is not what it was at all. I should have realised this morning when I didn’t feel sick, and enjoyed my coffee. I stare at Tad and can feel my heart breaking.
“What, that’s it? They’re not even going to check anything?” He says angrily.
I want to tell him that it’s because there is nothing they can do. If it’s a miscarriage, there’s not a damn thing anybody can do about it at this point, and even if it shows everything is okay at the moment, there’s no guarantee it will still be okay tomorrow. But I don’t. It physically hurts me to think about how he would react- How he will react… I just shrug my shoulders and warm my icy fingers around the hot mug.
He turns and walks out of the room and I just feel numb.
I’m not sure how long it is before he comes back, but he almost runs in the room, a look of determination on his face.
“Up.” He says as he takes the now cold mug from my hands, puts it on the table, and then gently helps me to my feet.
“Where are we going?”
“There’s a private scan clinic not far from here, I’ve called them and they are expecting us.”
Fear grips me. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to go and see the looks on everyone’s faces.
“But Tad, I-”
“Your Mum is going to take Ami for dinner. Please, let’s just go and put our minds at rest.” His smile is hopeful, and it makes me want to sob in his arms.
Be strong.
“But Tad, what if-”
“No what if’s.” He cuts in. “Let’s just go and find out for sure.”
But I don’t want to find out for sure. He is moving towards the hallway to leave but I can’t make my feet move. The fear is utterly paralysing.
He turns back to look at me. “Rach, whatever happens, I love you.” I can hear his voice starting to break and I have to remind myself to be strong, for him.
♦ ♦ ♦
Everything about this experience is completely different to my first scan with Ami. I’d had to have an emergency scan booked in as I had no idea how far gone I was at that point. The room was cold and dark, and the sonographer was less than friendly. As she was digging the ultrasound wand into my stomach, almost making me wet myself, I was begging there to have been a mistake. Begging any and every God that there was nothing in there, that my test results had been mixed up with someone else’s.
This time, the room is warm, and lit with soft blue and green fairy lights, hanging from the walls. The sonographer, Sally, has explained the process to Tad and I, and she makes a point of being particularly sensitive, as Tad has already explained the reason we needed such an urgent scan.
“Might be a bit cold my love.” She says as she squirts the gel on to the lowest part of my stomach. But I can hardly feel it. My heart is thundering in my chest, and the sound must be loud enough for both Sally and Tad to hear. Tad’s hand is squeezing one of mine as I stare at the ceiling, not daring to look anywhere else.
“I’m just going to keep the screen towards me for the moment love. Are you ready?”
No. No I am not ready. I’m not ready for this dream to come crashing down around me. I’m not ready to see Tad’s face. To feel the utter devastation.
“Yes.” I lie.
The wand starts moving over my stomach, poking so hard it’s almost painful. It feels as though it’s been minutes. She should have said something by now. Any hope I had hidden deep inside of me has gone. I close my eyes and wait.
“I’m so sorry.” Is all I hear before I scrunch up my face and desperately try to keep the tears at bay. I can hear Tad talking, begging with her to check again, before I zone out completely. Unable to face the sadness in his voice.
Chapter Eleven
Tad
The words just keep repeating in my head, over and over. I’m so sorry. There’s no heartbeat.
We made it home in almost complete silence, and Rachel headed straight for bed. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting on the sofa, staring into nothing, debating with myself whether I should give her some space or go up and be with her.
Eventually I decide on the latter. I walk in to find her laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, hands resting on her stomach. Silently, I walk around the bed, climb on and pull her close to me. She says nothing, but her hand reaches up and begins gently stroking my cheek.
“I won’t ask if you’re okay.” I whisper gently to her, noticing the red rims of her puffy eyes.
“I’m sorry.” She breathes, barely loud enough for me to hear.
“Rach, you don’t need to apologise.” I pull her in close to me and gently stroke the cold bare skin on her arms. She just closes her eyes and we stay that way for a long while. Eventually, her breathing becomes slow and heavy, and I realise she has fallen asleep. Moving gently, I shuffle off the bed and wrap the quit around her before heading downstairs.
I head into my office, planning to make a few calls to try to make this week as easy as possible on both of us.
I let her sleep for a couple of hours, and she doesn’t wake until gone nine. She finds me in my office, trying, and failing miserably to keep myself busy.
“Hey.” She calls softly from the door, before walking in and climbing on to my lap. She nuzzles her face into my shoulder and I wrap my arms tightly around her. “Are you hungry?” She asks.
“Not really.” I kiss her head softly.
“We should eat.” She mumbles into my shoulder.
“Come on then.” I stand and grab her hand to pull her into the kitchen.
The silence is deafening. So many unspoken words flying around, things we both need to say, but neither of us knowing whether it will help or not.
“There’s a pizza in the freezer,” Rachel breaks the silence after what feels like an age.
“Frozen pizza. I don’t think I can mess that up. Why don’t you go and sit in the front room and relax?” I say as I close the freezer door and go to turn on the oven.
“I don’t want to be alone.” She murmurs and sits on a stool at the island.
So many words, flying around my head, dancing on the tip of my tongue, and yet I can’t produce a single one of them. I have no idea what to say to her. So we both stay silent as I put the pizza on a tray and into the oven.
I walk around to her and pull her head gently into my chest. Maybe there is no need for words now. Maybe this is all we both need, each other.
Suddenly she pulls back, her face wide with panic. “Oh my God, Ami, I forgot-”
“It’s okay.” I stroke her face gently. “I already called your parents. I told them you weren’t very well and before I could even ask, your Mum had offered to have Ami for a few days so you could rest. I said you were a
sleep and you would call tomorrow.”
She smiles softly. “Thank you. I feel awful lying though.” She starts chewing on her bottom lip.
“Well, you could always tell her? Your Mum I mean?”
“I can’t deal with her knowing. I just want tomorrow to hurry up so we can start to move on.”
After the scan, Sarah- No, Sally? Well, whatever her name was phoned Rachel’s midwife. At that point I wasn’t paying anything much any attention, but Rachel spoke to her on the phone. I say spoke, it was more intent listening with a few ‘okays’ muttered. Rachel has been booked in for a procedure tomorrow that I just don’t even want to think about.
It stings a little that she is willing it to hurry up, and the sensible part of me tries to reason that it’s no use clinging on to false hope. Our baby has no heartbeat. It will not magically start up again, and I can’t even begin to imagine how Rachel must be feeling, knowing she is carrying our baby inside of her, but that baby will never be.
“I’m sorry, I know how that must sound.” Her voice cuts through the voices in my head. “It’s just… I just…” She exhales slowly and looks down.
“It’s okay. I know.”
We hold each other for so long that I start to smell the distinct acrid scent of burnt cheese, and the thought that yes I can actually fuck up a frozen pizza almost makes me laugh. Almost.
♦ ♦ ♦
“How are you feeling?” I ask as Rachel’s eyes open. It’s the morning after her procedure and the nurse told us to expect some pain.
“A bit sore, but I’m okay.” She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“I’ll get you some painkillers.” I hop out of bed and head down to the kitchen. While I’m there I start making us both coffee, and put some bread in the toaster. Just as I am putting everything on a tray, Rachel walks into the kitchen.