11-11

by Doreen Serrano

  Heather wasn’t sure how much he knew about their sessions and became embarrassed just at the thought of him listening in.

  He pulled his beige trench coat tighter and knotted the tie that had been hanging loose during their conversation.

  The sight of it drew pictures of a noose in her mind. He started to walk away slowly and she began to breathe easier in anticipation of his departure. Though she knew he still had the opportunity to grab her and drag her by the hair to his car, she felt certain it wasn’t her time yet.

  Still, she continued to eye the offending jacket tie.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked smiling.

  Visions of his tie being tightly pulled around her neck stole her vocabulary and she couldn’t answer his question. She could only stand frozen and pray that he get back into whatever vehicle brought him there. When he started walking toward her again, the muscles in her feet prepared for take off.

  He stopped less than two inches from her face and forced her to crane her neck to look up at him. Fear infected her bloodstream and paralysis threatened to 228

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  leave her defenseless. She gathered her withering courage and looked up into the face of her own private monster.

  His eyes were a piercing blue and he couldn’t have stood less than six and a half feet. He smelled like a dead animal and his teeth and complexion told her he cared nothing about his appearance. Oddly, she felt as though he had once been a very handsome man.

  “Why do you keep trying to hurt me? You don’t even know me!’ she wailed.

  She wondered if it was too late to defl ect his answer from reaching her eardrums.

  I know you,” he replied softly.

  He turned his attention to her car and nodded toward it.

  “Nice plate. I’ll see you soon,” he said as he walked away.

  He headed with ease into a wind that would have knocked anyone else over. Without a backwards glance or even a stumble, he walked over to a white van and got in.

  Heather stood, feet glued to the fl oor, just as she had every other time she’d come face to face with him.

  He backed out of the parking space and slowed down as he prepared to pass. She thought it an odd sight to see a monster driving a car. It was such a typical human action that it became the most surreal moment of their insane meeting. Their eyes met one last time before he headed for the exit.

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  Heather realized she was still grasping her prescriptions. She’d been unaware they were clutched so tightly in her hands until she saw her knuckles turning white. She made a quick mental note to fi ll her Xanax as soon as possible.

  Motion and noise restarted as though God had switched off the pause button on His grand show. She walked quickly to her car and glanced at the license plate her monster had referred to – HOS1111

  Her initials combined with her special numbers, screwed onto her bumper in an effort to protect the car and all its occupants. Heather had convinced herself it would prevent an accident. The plate suddenly seemed to take on a different meaning altogether.

  As soon as she unlocked the car door and jumped in, the sky opened up and poured sheets of rain onto her windshield. She turned to make sure all four locks were engaged and glanced nervously out the back window. She contemplated where she would drive, who she would run to. She wondered if anyone had seen a tall man in a trench coat talking to her or if they had just seen a lonely girl having a conversation with herself.

  Her fi rst thought had been to drive straight to the police station but she knew they wouldn’t take her seriously. Already a popular victim in so many random attacks, they would brush her off as an attention seeker.

  Finally making a decision, she turned the key and listened to the car hum as it came to life. She slammed her foot 230

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  onto the clutch and threw the gear into reverse without a second thought to the crunching noises coming from the transmission.

  “Please be home,” she said out loud, fi nally letting the tears fall.

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  Chapter 17

  Take On Me

  Heather drove to Joey’s apartment through the torrential rains and prayed he would be home. The storm and its insistence that she keep all her windows closed made her claustrophobic. She turned her radio on a low volume and lit a cigarette as she pulled into his driveway.

  His roommates were visible through the front window and she vented her frustration about it by pulling on the emergency brake with brutal force. Heather liked Bam Bam and Eggroll but she didn’t want them to hear her crazy rants. It was bad enough she had to tell Joey.

  Her ex-husband saw her through the window and waved. She didn’t care that people thought it was strange that she made best friends out of the men she divorced.

  She waved back and held up her pointer to say she’d be inside in a minute.

  He wasn’t always the greatest husband but Joey was one of the best listeners Heather had ever known.

  Whether she wanted to review a movie or debate a current issue or dissect her own thoughts, Joey joined her.

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  She cherished their conversations and found it diffi cult to choose anyone over him when she needed to hear the right words. Though Joey perceived her as histrionic, like the rest of the women in her family, she knew he would be the fi rst one to believe her story.

  She also knew her sense of peace was a false one but the pounding rain helped her believe she was cloaked by the storm. She contemplated just taking off and heading for Jade’s house but found she couldn’t do it. In only two short weeks, Jade would become a mother for the fi rst time and Heather wouldn’t risk exposing her sister or her nephew to any more danger. She would have to start hiding things from Jade for the fi rst time in their lives.

  She turned off the car and listened carefully to the sounds around her. The rain slammed drops onto the hood and the wind sang out a ghostly cry. A voice in her head kept telling her to calm down and she had to force herself to push aside thoughts of death. She looked up at Joey through the window and thought about the demise of their relationship instead.

  Heather had gone from one marriage to another without any space or time in between. The fi rst aisle she had walked down led the way for a hotheaded nineteen year old who still believed in fairy tales. The second saw a twenty-fi ve year old with the same capacity for love but with hope that had been severely battered.

  Damon’s penchant for maintaining as little employment as possible had forced Heather into welfare lines and just the memory of it watered a seed of depression 233

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  within her. When she had become the target of his anger and the victim of his disloyalties, she reached lows most people would never know. Only when she realized her young son would have no choice but to grow up the child of an abusive marriage did she run screaming to a divorce attorney.

  Heather wrapped her hands around the steering wheel and rested her head on its cold metal center. She thought about the strength it had taken to walk away from her fi rst marriage and the stupidity it took to jump into her second one so quickly. She had known who Joey was before they married and she married him anyway. When she looked up at him again, she saw he had ventured out onto the porch. Heather was hit with the memory of the fi rst time she had seen him and how they had fallen in love almost instantly.

  She had been a waitress at a rock n’ roll club and he played bass in one of the bands. Noticing his beer was almost empty after a show one night, Heather had approached him to ask if he wanted another. Joey had a sexy smile and even sexier eyes. They were big and round and deep brown. She had always been a sucker for a Puerto Rican.

  They entered into a union that neither one had much faith in. Their passion was ever present but the respect always needed a refi ll. They had loads of fun together but neither trus
ted the other. And though they tried to make it work for the sake of the boys, they had found it to be impossible. Their differences were stronger than 234

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  their marriage and again, Heather ran screaming back to divorce court.

  Heather glanced around the perimeter of the driveway one more time. She checked her rearview mirror for unwanted guests and fi nally, disengaged her locks. She kept a vigilant eye out for white vans and scraggly blond monsters as she walked up the hill to Joey’s apartment.

  Her walk turned into a muddy run and Joey met her at the bottom step with a towel. He draped it gently over her shoulders and led her into his home. After Heather’s reassurances that the boys were fi ne, he left in search of dry clothes to give her. She only showed up unannounced when there was trouble and Joey was preparing for whatever story she had to tell. He knew her well.

  Bam Bam was sitting at the dining room table drinking a beer. Heather hadn’t always been his biggest fan but she didn’t dislike him either. She just wasn’t sure what to make of him yet. He was possessive of her ex-husband and at times, she wanted to tell him to fuck off and fi nd his own man. Instead, she reminded herself that Joey needed a close network of friends and that he was lucky to have him.

  Bam Bam wasn’t fat but he defi nitely wasn’t a thin man. He had an interesting face and had grown facial hair since she last saw him. Heather instinctively looked around for his sidekick, Eggroll.

  Eggroll was the Gilligan to Bam Bam’s Skipper. They were the dynamic duo and she rarely saw one without the other. The feelings Heather had toward Joey’s young 235

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  Asian friend were warmer than the ones she had for his more dominant counterpart. Eggroll had a gentle voice and a fragility about him that made her want to care for him. He was Joey’s driver and gopher but she knew that her ex-husband cherished his friendship more than his errands.

  “Hey,” Bam Bam said. “What’s up?”

  Heather knew there was no way to hide the fact that she’d been crying so she didn’t bother trying. Joey’s young roommates were used to her mood changes and knew not to ask about them anymore.

  “Hey,” Bam Bam said. “Did you know that Jimmy Eat World spells out Jew and that all the guys in the group are Jewish?”

  “No, Bam. I didn’t know that,” she answered.

  “I don’t think they did that on purpose,” offered Eggroll.

  Heather walked passed the guys and headed to Joey’s bedroom. He was still on his mission for dry clothes and in his absence, Heather thought more about their past together. She clearly remembered how happy she had been when they brought Jack home from the hospital.

  They had put his room together beside Tommy’s and it was the happy family she had been waiting for. Their love fl ourished but their differences in perceptions took a heavier toll than either of them expected. She saw the world as a huge place with endless possibilities while Joey was satisfi ed living in a box of restraints. In the end, neither one was willing to move into the other’s world.

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  They separated often, as though they were practicing for the ultimate ending. With each separation, Heather took the opportunity to spend time with Billy who always waited on the sidelines for her relationships to fall apart.

  She heard Joey coming back into the room and tried to wipe the guilty expression off her face. A quivering lip and an uncontrollable toe tap took its place.

  “What’s going on, Heather?” he asked slowly.

  She told him without another prompt. She told him everything that had happened up to that moment and hoped that he would instantly regurgitate a good reason for all of it. She was looking for an answer that she knew he couldn’t give but it didn’t stop her from trying.

  “Well, you’ve always had question about your parents and your childhood, right? Could it be related to that?

  Maybe someone who knew you when you were little?”

  he offered.

  “Maybe,” she said quietly.

  He knew she thought it was more. In his experience, Heather could be paranoid at times, but for the most part she was a good assessor. She wasn’t very observant of the big things in front of her but she could pick up an eye roll or a dirty look or an elaborate cover-up a mile away.

  “What did the police say?” he asked her.

  “They didn’t say anything. I didn’t go to them,” she answered.

  He stood up and she knew what was coming next.

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  “Are you fucking crazy?” he bellowed. “A man is stalking you all through town and you didn’t think to go to the police?”

  “Oh, I thought about it, believe me. Then I remembered the last time I tried to tell police the truth.

  Remember how that worked out for me?”

  The words came out with bitterness she couldn’t hide.

  Though it had been a few years, the anger was still fresh.

  She knew Joey was thinking about the night he had her arrested on false charges of domestic violence and drugs when he thought she was going to leave him. She knew he was remembering the look in her eyes the night the police slapped cuffs onto her wrist and threw her in the back of a cruiser.

  It had been the last straw in their already-weakened marriage. She hadn’t wanted money from him and didn’t care to interfere with his visitation with Jack. She’d just wanted the marriage over and that’s exactly what she had done.

  “I’m sorry,” Joey said, again. His tone was several decibels lower than it had been.

  “I’m just worried about you. The boys need you, and so do I. And probably so does dumb ass,” he fi nished, referring to Damon.

  “I don’t know what to do, Joey. I can’t talk to Jade because she’ll worry. I can’t risk leading this guy the homes of anyone I love.” She regretted the words as soon as they’d fl own out.

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  “Thanks a lot,” he said.

  “Sorry, that’s not the way I meant it. You know I love you. Why else would I be here?” she asked.

  “Why are you here exactly?” he asked.

  “Forget it,” she wavered. “I’m leaving before we get in an argument.”

  “We’re not arguing, Heather. I just asked why you were here.”

  “ ‘Cause I’m scared, Joey,” she said before jumping up and walking toward the front door. She opened it just as Joey grabbed her by the back of her shirt.

  “What’s going on?” he asked calmly.

  “I can’t. You’ll really think I’m crazy this time,” she said.

  Heather knew she shouldn’t have come to him.

  Although his presence comforted her, she knew her presence worked against him. He was trying to restart his life and every time she showed up, she sabotaged his peace. Heather looked at him deeply and smiled a true smile.

  “I need for you to make sure the boys always stay together,” she told him.

  “Don’t say stuff like that,” Joey said. “You’ll be around to keep them together yourself.”

  Heather continued to smile and decided not to drag him into the situation. She had stop using him as her shield from the rest of the world and admit to herself that he was no longer her husband. More important, Heather 239

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  didn’t intend to let the bad guy make orphans out of her children.

  “I really have to go,” she said, her eyes shining with new tears. She gave him a quick hug and kissed him on the lips.

  “Be careful,” he said, knowing he wouldn’t be able to convince her to stay.

  “I will. I’m fi ne. I’m going home to the boys now.

  Angie’s watching them and she needs to get home.”

  Joey hugged her and Heather called out good byes to Bam Bam and Eggroll as she passed through the dining room. She ran back down the rainy walkway and jumped into her car as fas
t as she could.

  As she turned the key in the ignition, Heather had the sensation the storm was providing the lighting and theme music for her own personal reality show being watched by the rest of the universe. She waved goodbye to Joey as she drove away upon another loud clap of thunder.

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  Chapter 18

  I Miss You

  Heather ran through the front door so fast that she almost hit the wall in front of her. She was soaked from hair to boot and still felt as though she were being followed long after she walked inside her house. She kicked off her wet boots and headed for the living room knowing she would fi nd the boys there. She didn’t want to do anything else before she hugged them. She relieved Angie of her bodyguard duties and thanked her again before heading down the hallway.

  “Hey guys,” she called out.

  “Hey, Mom,” Tommy said looking up from his computer.

  He stopped what he was doing long enough to answer her and then returned his attention to the waiting monitor.

  “Mommy!’ Jack yelled.

  He ran up to her and gave her a hug. Heather wondered how much longer she had before he decided he was too old for all of her affections. She returned his 241

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  embrace and made kissing sounds that told him she had one ready. Jack offered tightly pursed lips and she responded to them happily.

  She made it to her bedroom and closed the door. Her confi dence was all an act and she wondered if the boys saw through it. Heather opened the door again when another thought struck.

  “Have you guys eaten?” she called out.

  “Angie ordered a pizza and had it delivered!” Tommy called back.

  Heather closed the door again and silently thanked her friend. She didn’t have time for guilt and reminded herself that the boys had eaten and that was the important part. Her focus had always been keeping her sons happy but all of that had changed. Now, she just wanted to keep them safe. Heather started throwing clothes into her borrowed blue suitcase.

  She had made the decision that staying at Damon’s house was a good idea after all, lest she never sleep again.

  She would always keep one eye open as she strained to hear sounds that didn’t belong. Heather looked down at the folded clothes and remembered another time in her life when she had packed with the same emotion.