by Emma Miller
“But your stepfather didn’t.” It was a statement, not a question.
“He said he did, but he didn’t act like it.” Her voice was barely above a whisper again. The memory of that time was so difficult to recall that she felt sick to her stomach. Edom had been so cruel when her pregnancy began to show and after John-John was born. He treated her like a servant from the days of the Old Testament even though the Amish did not believe in servitude. And he treated John-John as if he were a leper. Which made her suspicious as to why he would have allowed her son to call him vadder.
Phoebe stared at the red handkerchief in her hands. “Say something,” she said after what seemed like long moments of silence.
Joshua exhaled loudly. “I...” He exhaled with a whoosh and got to his feet. “I...I don’t know what to say, Phoebe.” He began to pace in front of her. “I’m angry at your stepfather and sad for you and—” He looked at her again. “I’m so sad for you, so sorry.”
She pressed her lips together, fighting another wave of tears. “You don’t...think less of me?”
“Think less of you?” He pulled his gloves off and tucked them in his coat pockets. Then he stood in front of her, taking her hands in his. “I think more of you. I cannot imagine how difficult your life has been for the last three years. I...I admire your spiritual and emotional strength.” He dropped down to sit beside her again, still holding her hands. “Phoebe, I admire you. For having endured the loss of a man you loved. For having to live with a man like this stepfather of yours and still being able to find the good in this crazy world.”
“You don’t care that I committed the sin of adultery?” She lowered her head. “He wasn’t yet my husband.”
“We all sin, Phoebe.”
“Not like—”
“Ne,” he interrupted. “Don’t do that. Don’t speak against God’s word. He offers us forgiveness and we have to take it. Otherwise—” He shrugged. “We’re all lost, aren’t we? If we can’t believe in God’s promises to us?”
Phoebe just sat there for a moment, feeling the warmth of Joshua’s hands. Savoring it. It felt so good to feel another’s touch that she considered not continuing this conversation any longer today. A part of her just wanted to go join Jacob and Bay, carrying this feeling of comfort Joshua had offered. But she knew she shouldn’t, that she couldn’t.
She dug deep inside herself and went on. “You said the other day that...that you wanted me to be your girl,” she said. She looked up at him, feeling shy all of a sudden. “Is that something...is that something you still want?”
His mouth broadened into a grin. “Would you...would you actually consider that, Phoebe? Being my girl?” His last words were filled with excitement. “Do you...do you think you could care for me, Phoebe? Because I...I think I’m falling—”
“Don’t say it,” she whispered.
It seemed like a very long moment that they sat there beside each other on the log. For those few seconds, she didn’t feel the chill of the wind or the little blister on her heel. The wet, fragrant forest and the faint sounds of animals scurrying about faded into the background. Nothing mattered but her and Joshua. Finally she looked away from him. “Not yet...” she told him, her voice sounding breathy in her ears. “Let’s not say anything like that yet.”
“Does that mean—” He stopped and started again. “Right. You’re right. We need to spend time together, get to know each other better. You need time.”
“Ya,” she agreed. “And you need to think this over. Because, Joshua, I only want to be your girl if your intention is to marry me.” The last words were hard for her to say. It seemed like a lot to ask when they had only known each other a month. When he was younger than she was and hadn’t really dated yet. When she’d just told him about her son. But she didn’t have time to waste playing young folks’ games. Her son didn’t have time. He needed to be reunited with her as soon as possible. It was only fair that Joshua know that she wasn’t interested in casual dating like some young Amish men and women were.
He grabbed her hand. “I would marry you today.”
“Knowing I have a child by a man who was not my husband?” she pressed, wanting to be absolutely sure they understood each other.
“Absolutely,” he said firmly. “My father taught me the meaning of forgiveness when I was just a little boy.”
Phoebe hadn’t been entirely certain of her feelings for Joshua until that moment, but if there was any doubt in her mind, she was certain then. If she didn’t already love him, she was falling in love with him. Which made no sense to her because how could she love Joshua when she had loved John? Joshua was nothing like John. John, who had been years older than she was had been blond with blue eyes, loud, brash at times. He was nothing like this gentle man who was younger than her.
“I’m sure, Phoebe,” he insisted. “I have to say I was a little worried that I had...I don’t know, misunderstood what I thought might be between us. Eli cornered you at the singing at Fishers’ and the two of you talked forever. Then he came to the house on Thanksgiving, then again Sunday. I was afraid he was going to ask if he could court you and you were going to say yes.”
She debated whether or not to tell him that Eli had already asked her. Was it fair to tell him Eli’s business? But it wouldn’t be fair not to tell him, and she knew he was the kind of person who would never bring it up to Eli or anyone else. “He asked to court me. On Thursday. But I said no, Joshua. Because...” She swallowed hard, wondering why it was so difficult for her to tell him how she felt about him. Maybe because it was difficult to open her heart to him when her heart had been shattered in so many pieces when John died. “I told him no because I knew I...already had feelings for you,” she confessed.
“Did you tell him that?”
She looked up at him and shook her head slowly. “It didn’t seem right. Not when you and I had no agreement.”
“But we do now,” he said firmly. “So, we can tell anyone we like now, ya?”
She thought for a moment, looking up into the bare branches of the oak tree over their heads. “I think we should wait a little while. Not because I don’t know how I feel, but because I think you need to have some time to think on it. Because, if you marry me, you’ll be agreeing to be my son’s father.”
“I understand that. I...I’d feel blessed to call your son mine.”
She smiled at him, thinking his innocence was sweet. She knew he had no idea what it was like to be a father. But what had she known when she became a mother? What did any first-time parent know? All she had known when John-John was born was that she loved him, and the rest had fallen into place. She had the faith that it would be the same with Joshua, should this unlikely union be God’s wish. “You haven’t even met him,” she teased.
“Doesn’t matter.” He squeezed her hand and then let go. “Anyway, I’m fine with that. Waiting. Just don’t make me wait too long to tell anyone.” He pointed at her. “Because right now, I want to shout it from the rooftop of our barn.” He threw out his arms. “Phoebe Miller is my girl!”
“Shh.” She grabbed his arm, afraid Jacob and Bay would hear him. Then she laughed and at the same time felt herself blushing. John’s and her love had been mostly unspoken. For all of John’s carefree ways, he hadn’t been one to talk much of his love for her. But he had loved her, fiercely; she was sure of that. Who knew? Maybe these newly budding feelings she had for Joshua were possible because of John’s love for her, not in spite of it. Maybe his love for her was what was making her strong enough to let herself fall in love again. His love and God’s.
When she met Joshua’s gaze again, he was grinning at her.
“I suppose we should go find Jacob and Bay before they start to wonder what we’re up to.” He rose and offered his hand to her.
Phoebe took it, not because she needed help getting up but because she wanted to feel his touch again. In tr
uth, she was half tempted to wrap her arms around him and give him a quick hug.
He beat her to it. As she stood, he threw his arms around her. “I guess it would be too much to ask if I could have a kiss?” he said softly, looking into her eyes.
She had to take a breath to keep herself from lowering her head to his shoulder and returning the hug. “It would be, Joshua Miller,” she said, trying to sound stern. “The next man I kiss will be my husband.”
He let go of her, clearly not offended. “But don’t the Englishers have that tradition?”
“What?” she asked.
“Something to do with kissing and mistletoe?”
She looked at him, having no idea what he was talking about. Then he pointed upward, and she lifted her gaze. High in the oak tree, directly overhead was a big ball of mistletoe.
Phoebe laughed and Joshua joined her, and somehow, in her heart, she knew that if they did wed, their home would be filled with laughter.
* * *
Joshua was just walking up toward the back door when he saw Phoebe step out onto the porch steps and throw a pan of potato skins to the chickens that were scratching around in the mud. At once they raced toward the scattered peels and began pecking at the ground. Joshua stood there watching Phoebe for a moment, taking in her beauty and imagining what it would be like to be her husband. He knew he was young to marry. He knew that’s what his father would say when he and Phoebe decided to make the announcement. But he also knew that his father was a wise man, and once he talked to him he knew he would have his blessing.
The past few weeks had been beyond Joshua’s expectation. He and Phoebe hadn’t had much time to spend together, but every moment seemed better than the one before. He just couldn’t get enough of her. She was smart and funny and kind and gentle. And truly a woman who tried to walk in her faith. When he had told Phoebe that he admired her more because of what she had gone through, he had meant it. His admiration for her grew steadily. As did his love. Of course, at Phoebe’s insistence, they were never alone together. They made sure they were always within sight of someone else. And while he would have liked to have been able to spend more time with her, for the time being, he was content just to steal a few minutes with her here and there. Which had been exactly his intention when he’d walked up to the house.
“Phoebe,” he called.
She looked, smiled and then waved at him as he approached.
“Do you have a minute?” he asked.
She glanced over her shoulder in the direction of the door. “I should probably get back inside. The boys are playing with Hannah’s grandsons while she visits with Rosemary, but I have the potatoes to put on for supper and—”
He walked up the steps and stopped one below her. “Five minutes. You can spare five minutes. I want you to see something down at the barn.”
She balanced the pan on her hip, seeming to be trying to make up her mind.
“Come on. Get your coat. Five minutes and you’ll be back. I promise.”
She took a deep breath, and he watched the cloud of white as she exhaled. “Okay,” she said with a grin. “But only five minutes.”
She was back in just a minute, minus the potato pan, wearing a denim barn jacket that the girls all shared. “Brr, it’s cold out here,” she murmured as she fell into step beside him. “What do you have to show me?”
“Just wait.” He looked at her and grinned.
“You’re showing me something in the barn?”
“Ya,” he answered, sliding his hands into his pockets, not so much because he was cold but because his hand ached to hold hers. “Something Ethan brought home from school today.”
His oldest brother, Ethan was the Hickory Grove schoolmaster. Though some thought it inappropriate that a man who was thirty-two and single be the teacher, most of the families in their community thought he was the best teacher they’d had in years. He was dedicated to his students, so dedicated that he’d been known to walk several miles in the cold and snow, just to check on a boy or girl who had missed a couple of days of school. And he always had a kind ear to lend when one of the teenage boys was struggling to get along with his parents.
Joshua adored his brother Ethan, who was not only smart, but who seemed wise beyond his years. He only wished that he would step out of his shell and start dating again. His wife had been dead nearly five years now. It was time. He’d even tried a couple of times since they moved to Delaware to talk to Ethan about it, but his brother was stubborn. He wouldn’t even discuss the matter. He just said he would never marry again.
“You’re going to show me schoolwork?” Phoebe giggled.
“I’m not telling you.” Joshua laid his hand on her arm and steered her around a mud puddle in the barnyard. “You’re worse than Jesse. You’ll have to wait and see.”
She smiled up at him and he could feel his heart almost growing in his chest. Since their talk in the woods that day, they’d grown closer. She was so easy to be with, so kind, so much fun. The night before, after supper, Tara had made popcorn and the family had gathered in the living room to play a guessing game that had had them all laughing. Benjamin had not only been able to imitate a cow and a goose, but also a bear. Phoebe had laughed and laughed, and later she had told him that she had never known a family could live the way they lived. And the longer she stayed with Joshua’s family, the more eager she said she was to retrieve John-John. They had actually talked about when would be a good time to bring him, at least for a visit. Phoebe told him she was just waiting for the right moment to bring it up with Rosemary.
“Ethan?” Joshua called as he pushed open the barn door.
Phoebe stepped in ahead of him and took a deep breath.
Joshua’s father had always demanded excellent care of their animals and their barns. The inside of the two-story barn where the horses and goats were kept was as neat as Rosemary’s kitchen, and smelled of fresh hay and molasses from the tubs of grain lined up along the wall.
“You in here?” Joshua called.
“Ya,” Ethan replied, his deep voice a rumble. “In the tack room.”
“I brought Phoebe to see.” He pointed the way for her.
She stopped in the doorway and Joshua walked up behind her, sticking his head inside. Ethan sat on an old milking stool, a bit of old flannel on his lap.
“She doing okay?” Joshua asked.
“Ya,” Ethan said, moving his hand gently. “Want to see, Phoebe?” He pushed away a bit of the flannel to show a tiny white kitten.
“Oh.” She sighed. “It has pink eyes.”
“An albino,” Ethan said, stroking the kitten.
“Rosemary won’t let him bring stray students home, so he brings cats. He and Nettie are a pair. She’s just the same way. Ethan brings home dogs, too, and once an iguana.”
Phoebe laughed. “An iguana?”
“Ya, it’s like a lizard. A big one. Rosemary refused to have it in her house. He took it to a pet shop in Dover.”
She put out her hands. “Can I hold it?”
“Sure.” Ethan rose from the stool and handed her the kitten, still wrapped in the flannel. “I need to change for chores, anyway.” He stepped past them, halting in the door. “Just put her in the wooden box there on the floor when you go.”
“Dat know you brought home another cat?” Joshua asked. “He was just saying the other morning that we’re nearly overrun with them.”
“Timothy’s parents were going to drown it,” Ethan explained. “They said it was an abomination. He smuggled it to school in his lunch box.” He raised his hand and lowered it. “How could I tell him I couldn’t take it?”
Joshua shook his head. “An albino cat?”
Ethan shrugged. “It’s plenty healthy. I bet it will grow up to be a good mouser.”
When his brother was gone, Joshua turned to watch Phoebe settle down on
the milking stool. She cuddled the kitten in her arms, petting its little head with one finger. Just watching her, he could tell what a good mother she was. He could just imagine how wonderful she would be with their children, if God so blessed them with little ones. And he prayed He would.
“Know what I was thinking?”
She shook her head no, mesmerized by the kitten.
“That John-John would like her. The kitten. I thought maybe you could go fetch him for Christmas. It’s only two weeks away. Rosemary might even let you keep her in your room if John-John would like that.”
“Oh,” she breathed. “He would love that.” She looked up at him. “Even if she has to stay here in the barn. My stepfather never allowed animals in the house. We weren’t even allowed to name them. No pets. Animals are just here to serve us, according to him.”
Joshua slid his hands into his pockets and leaned against the doorjamb. He was feeling good today. He and Bay had gotten together after breakfast and finalized plans for the building of their greenhouse. He’d talked briefly with his father about the idea because now that marriage was in his future, he wanted to know he had a plan with how to support his family. And the greenhouse and shop he and Bay had in mind would certainly do that in good time. Of course he hadn’t mentioned his intention to marry Phoebe yet. Even though he had wanted to so many times in the past few weeks. He wouldn’t do so until he and Phoebe agreed it was time.
“She’s so sweet,” Phoebe said, lifting the kitten to her cheek. “Thank you for showing me.” She stood. “Now I need to get back to check on the boys, but thank you.”
For a moment the two of them just stood there, looking into each other’s eyes. And even though Joshua ached to wrap his arms around her, he knew he could wait. Because Phoebe was worth the wait, he was just sure of it.