by Emma Miller
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that a little distance between you two might be good right now. Because she seems to be, well, taken with you.”
Joshua was silent. He wondered how much his father knew about him and Phoebe? But what could he know? Joshua had said nothing of his anticipated engagement with Phoebe, and he knew very well that Phoebe hadn’t said anything to anyone. She was the one who wanted to wait. Bay and Jacob were probably suspicious, but they would never have gone to their father without coming to Joshua first.
His father groaned. “I hate to say this, but I’m worried she might get the wrong idea.”
Joshua heard the metal rings of the harness clink together in his hands. “And what idea is that?” he asked, emphasizing each word.
“Sohn, I know you know she came to Hickory Grove to look for a husband. And I have no problem with that.” He held his hand up, palm out. “When Rosemary asked me about having Phoebe here, I didn’t balk. Not for one second. It was the right thing to do, her being related to Rosemary and all. And to give the girl a place to start over. But...”
Joshua clenched his jaw. He was beginning to realize what his father was trying to say, but there was a stubbornness in him that made him want to hear it out of his father’s own mouth. “Exactly what are you worried about, Dat?” he asked, trying to keep the anger he was feeling in his chest out of his voice.
“I’m worried that she might get the wrong impression. That she might think you’re sweet on her, too,” he blurted, his face reddening.
“Sweet on her?” Joshua repeated.
“Ya.” His father sighed, seeming genuinely relieved his son understood him. “That’s what I’m saying. It’s not fair to a girl to make her think, make her hope, that you might have interest in her beyond...well, beyond the same interest the whole family has in her. You wouldn’t want Phoebe to think that you might consider walking out with her.”
Joshua squared his shoulders. “But I do want to walk out with her. In fact, I was just about to come speak with you about going to the bishop with me. Dat, I don’t just want to walk out with Phoebe, I want to marry her.”
The blood seemed to drain from his father’s face. One moment it had been bright red and now suddenly he was pale. “You...” He looked down at the poured concrete floor as he rose from his stool. “Sohn, you can’t marry her,” he said quietly. “I forbid it.”
Joshua just stood there in shock, his hands slowly falling until they rested on his thighs. The harness hung from his fingers, brushing the floor, the chain jingling. “What do you mean you forbid it?”
His father dragged his hand across his mouth and then slowly lifted his gaze until he met Joshua’s. “I know you know what her circumstances are. The boy...”
Joshua was embarrassed to realize that he was close to tears. He hadn’t cried since he was eleven when he fell out of the loft chasing Jacob and had broken his arm. But there was also a ripple of anger rising him. Right now, it was in the pit of his stomach, but he could feel it intensifying. He shook his head, taking a deep breath. “But, Dat, she confessed her sin.”
“I understand that,” his father hedged. “But...” He drew his hand across his mouth again. “You’re still so young, Joshua. A woman of that nature, she...” He groaned. “Men don’t marry women like that.”
“But you said she came here to find someone to marry.” He gestured lamely. “You agreed to have her living here with us, knowing she was looking for a husband.”
“A husband, yes, just not one of my sons.”
“Because of her sin?” Joshua asked, raising his voice an octave. As he spoke he dropped Lee’s harness on the back of the chair waiting to be reupholstered. “That’s what you mean?”
“Ya,” Benjamin said, his voice getting louder. “That’s what I mean.”
Joshua was flabbergasted to hear his father say such a thing. “But we’re forgiven of our sins if we ask for forgiveness, isn’t that what our bishop tells us? What our preachers preach?”
“Yes, yes of course,” Benjamin replied, taking a step toward his son. “But—”
“But what?” Joshua asked. “Either we are forgiven and welcomed back into the fold or we are not. Which is it?”
“Of course we’re forgiven. Phoebe is forgiven. She’s obviously a godly woman. And I like her. I genuinely do.”
“Just not for me?” Joshua asked, taking a step back toward the door.
“Just not for you,” Benjamin said, getting louder. “No son of mine will marry a woman like that!”
Joshua just stood there staring at his father for a moment. There was a part of him that wanted to shout back at his father that he loved Phoebe, and he was fairly certain she loved him. That he was going to marry her. He was going to be her husband, and he was going to be John-John’s father. That he was an adult and he had the right to choose who he would marry. That he wasn’t asking his father’s permission. But something ingrained in him restrained him. Never had he and his father had a fundamental disagreement like this. And he was still his father. He had raised Joshua to respect his parents in all matters.
Joshua turned around abruptly and strode toward the door. “I have to go,” he said, afraid that if he didn’t go, he might say something he’d regret later.
“Son, I know you’re upset, but it’s better if—”
Joshua yanked open the door. Halfway through, he realized he had left Lee Bontrager’s harness over the chair, but he couldn’t bring himself to go back for it. He was too upset, too angry, too sad. Sad that all of his plans may just have gone out the window.
* * *
“Phoebe?” Joshua’s voice came from the top of the steps to the entrance to the cellar.
She was in the middle room of the below-ground cellar where Rosemary stored her root vegetables. Lined on both sides of the brick walls were shelves filled with jars of preserved fruits and vegetables. There were quart jars of spiced peaches and applesauce and green beans and stewed tomatoes and fruit compote, along with all manner of preserves like blackberry and blueberry and strawberry. Below the shelves, along the floor, were bushel and half-bushel-sized baskets of three kinds of potatoes, carrots, beets, rutabagas and turnips. She’d come down in search of a small basket of multicolored creamer potatoes Tara was certain were stored there.
Phoebe heard Joshua coming down the wooden stairs, his boots heavy on the wooden treads. She wondered what he was doing around the house this time of day. He was supposed to be working a shift in the harness shop. She couldn’t imagine business was so slow that he had time to sneak a few minutes alone with her. Which wasn’t a good idea, anyway. He’d tried to kiss her the night before when they’d bumped into each other in the hall in the darkness and she’d almost succumbed. Had it not been for the sound of James’s and John-John’s laughter in the bathroom where they were splashing water instead of washing their hands, she might have broken her promise to herself that there would be no kiss between them until they were man and wife.
“Tara said there were potatoes down here, but I can’t find them,” she said as much to herself as him.
“There you are.” His voice sounded strained.
“The potatoes are small,” she explained, showing him something the diameter of a quarter with her thumb and forefinger. She leaned down and moved another half bushel of potatoes, wondering if the ones she was looking for were hidden behind them. “They’re red and purple and white. Not the long ones. Like the ones we had in the beef stew the other day,” she went on, annoyed she couldn’t find them. She hated to bother Tara, who was busy in the kitchen cutting up cabbage, but if she couldn’t find them herself, she supposed she’d have to go back upstairs and—
“I need to talk to you,” Joshua said.
The tone of his voice and the way it quivered made Phoebe’s heart sink. A sudden rush of thoughts overwhelmed her.
He had c
hanged his mind about wanting to marry her.
She’d not accepted yet. Which had given him time to rethink the matter.
And now her heart was going to be broken.
But better now than later down the road, she told herself, preparing for him to speak the words. Better just her heart than John-John’s, too.
She stiffened, took a breath and steeled herself for Joshua’s admission. And tried to hold back tears. A part of her was proud that he had the nerve to tell her now, before their engagement became public. He wasn’t just saving face, he was sparing her, too.
“What is it?” she asked softly. She looked up to find him in the doorway of the little room, his hand pressed to the wall. She lowered her gaze, fighting tears even though he hadn’t even said it yet.
He pulled off his black knit cap and balled it in his fist. “I’ve just come from speaking with my father, and—” He exhaled. His voice was still trembling. “I’m sorry, Phoebe, but—”
She could feel her tears stinging the backs of her eyelids. It will be all right, she told herself. God in His wisdom has a plan for me. God has a plan for all of us. Sometimes we just don’t see it at first.
“You’ve changed your mind,” she finished for him. Even though she tried to keep the emotion out of her voice, she didn’t quite succeed.
“My dat—” He looked up suddenly, took a step toward her and grasped both her arms. “Phoebe, ne. I haven’t changed my mind about you. What would make you think that?”
She sniffed, gazing into his eyes. “You haven’t?” she breathed, half afraid to believe what he was saying.
“Ne, of course not. I meant what I said when I told you I wanted to marry you. I love you, Phoebe. It’s only that when we wed...we can’t stay here.”
“Ah, your father thinks there’s not room?” She gave a little laugh, feeling almost weak at the knees. She had been so afraid he didn’t love her, just now when she was beginning to accept that she loved him. “That’s fine,” she said with great relief. “We can wait to be married. I know I said I wanted to marry with haste. But we can wait. And if I’ve outstayed my welcome, I’m sure I can stay elsewhere. With Lovey or maybe—”
“Phoebe,” he interrupted. “I don’t know how to say this. But my father doesn’t want me to marry you.”
“What?” she asked, completely taken by surprise. And then she felt her heart tumbling again. Her stomach lifted to her throat and for a moment she thought she might be sick. “Because of John-John,” she murmured.
He pressed the heel of one hand to his forehead. “We can’t stay here after we wed because my father doesn’t want us to marry,” he said, not seeming to have heard her. “But we’ll figure this out, Phoebe. My uncle, Abraham, he has a dairy farm and a mill. In upstate New York. My mam’s brother. I know he would hire me. We...” He let go of her and began to pace in the small area between a line of baskets of turnips and baskets of carrots. “I’ll find us a place to live. There are a lot of people selling properties up there. Amish. We might be able to rent for a while. Maybe look after a place until it’s sold. I’ve seen it done before.”
Phoebe barely heard anything he was saying. She was shocked by Joshua’s news. Shocked that a man like Benjamin would forbid his son to marry a woman in her circumstances. He had always seemed so liberal to her for a conservative Amish man of his age. And so kind and forgiving. Never would it have occurred to her that he would take such a stance.
Joshua was still going on about his uncle.
“Joshua,” she interrupted, reaching out to stop him as he walked by her again. “Tell me the truth. Did your father forbid you to marry me because I committed a sin? Is that what this is about?”
He tried to move away from her, but she caught his arm and tugged, forcing him to look at her. “Is that what happened?” she asked him, hoping beyond hope that wasn’t what took place. Knowing it was.
He set his jaw. “My father can’t forbid me to do anything. I’m a grown man. I have the right to marry any woman I want. And you’re a woman of good standing in the church.” He gestured wildly with his hand. “Even the most conservative bishop could put up no argument against our marriage.”
“But Benjamin doesn’t want you to marry me,” she said softly.
He hesitated. “Ne, he does not,” he finally said.
She let go of him and walked away.
“He doesn’t, Phoebe. But he’ll come around, and if he doesn’t,” Joshua flung, “then we’ll just move away. We’ll marry here, and you and John-John and I will start a new life in New York.”
“Joshua, I can’t do this,” she heard herself say. Suddenly chilled to the very bone, she wrapped her arms around her waist, wishing she had worn her wool shawl. She turned to face him, studying him in the dim light that poured from the ground-level half windows on both sides of the room. “I won’t do this.”
“What do you mean? You won’t do what?” His voice filled with emotion. Emotions she could only guess at: anger, disappointment, sadness and maybe even fear.
“I won’t marry you,” she told him.
“Phoebe—”
“Let me have my say, Joshua,” she told him firmly. Then she took a moment before she went on. “Your father and your family, they all love you so much. And you need them.” She took a step closer to him. She could see he was almost as close to tears as she was. But she didn’t see that as weakness. In fact, it made her love him all the more, even knowing their love would never be fulfilled now by the ties of marriage. “I don’t think you realize how blessed you are to have such a loving, kind family that cares so much for you. But I know, because I’ve seen both sides. I’ve seen the grain and the chaff of the wheat. And you must believe when I say—”
Her voice caught in her throat and she was quiet for a moment. When she had gained control of her emotions again, she went on, “You need them, Joshua. We would need them to make our marriage a good one. Because marriage is work, hard work, and a husband and wife need support. They need the love of their family.” She shook her head, knowing what she said was right. “I won’t come between you and your father. Between you and your family. If I do, you’ll hate me someday for it. Ne, I’d rather go home to my mother’s house with John-John than do this to you. I’d rather marry Eli. I’d rather do anything than put you in this position.”
“Go back to Edom? That’s ridiculous to say,” he told her.
“Well, I can’t stay here now, not knowing your father—” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and then opened them. “It wouldn’t be right for me to stay now.”
“I won’t hear this.” He shook his head obstinately. “You say my father loves me? How can you say that when he would try to keep us apart?”
She smiled sadly. “He thinks he’s doing the right thing,” she murmured.
“But he isn’t!” He drew the back of his hand across his eyes.
“But he thinks he is. And that’s all a parent can do, Joshua. Try to do what’s right by their children.” She let her arms fall to her sides. “I’m sorry, Joshua,” she said, making herself go on even though she didn’t want to. “But I cannot—I will not—marry you under these conditions. I will not be the one who separates you from your family, because I know what it’s like to be alone in the world. And I won’t do that to you.”
“Phoebe, please.” He took a step toward her. “Don’t do this. I love you. I want to marry you. I could never marry another woman.”
She pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling. “Someone else will come along.”
“Ne! I could never love anyone but you!”
“Joshua, there’s not just one person for each of us. You showed me that,” she told him, looking into his beautiful dark eyes, eyes she knew she would never gaze into again. Not the way she was looking at him now. “You just have to trust in God. He’ll show you the way.”
&
nbsp; He took a shuddering breath. “You won’t marry me against my father’s wishes. Is that what you’re saying?”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
He reached out and stroked her cheek. His fingertips were warm on her cool skin and so gentle. His touch was so loving.
Phoebe closed her eyes, trying to imprint on her memory this moment because she knew she would never feel his touch again. “I’m sorry,” she said. Then she opened her eyes and fled, nearly reaching the top of the stairs before she dissolved into tears.
* * *
Phoebe stood at the back door of the house and sobbed into her hands. The cold wind of an incoming storm whipped at her skirt and apron. She was so cold. But she couldn’t go inside and let anyone see her like this. Her plan was to have a good cry and then go back to the kitchen like nothing had happened. They could pretend nothing had happened because no one knew Joshua had proposed and she had nearly accepted. Well, obviously Benjamin knew, which meant Rosemary knew, but they wouldn’t say anything to their children. Phoebe knew they wouldn’t do anything to make this harder on Joshua than it had to be, because those were the kind of parents they were.
She took a shuddering breath. When she’d run up the cellar steps, Joshua had followed her. But she’d hidden behind a big old boxwood near the back porch of the house. He’d gone right past and into the house, only to come right back out again when he couldn’t find her. When she last saw him, he was heading toward the harness shop.
He just needed some time, she told herself. Once he calmed down, he would understand why she had broken off things with him. He’d accept it.
And in time she, too, would come to accept it. Because it was the right thing to do. She could never have lived with herself if she came between him and his family.
She sniffed and wiped her nose with the hem of her apron. She had no handkerchief.
Now what was she going to do? she wondered as she watched Silas and Adah trotting across the grass side by side. The Chesapeake Bay retrievers had grown since her arrival. They were nearly full-size now, and better behaved. Adah caught sight of her behind the bush and veered off, heading directly for her. Silas followed.