I lingered. Meeting up with him at the last station. “You’re nervous,” I said.
He seemed irritated that I was there. His jaw clenched and he looked like he wanted to tell me off but then he smiled, shifting his weight as he started to fidget. “Eh, it’s more like neurotic.”
“It’s going to be okay, Dominic.”
He turned and stared at me with hard brown eyes. “You don’t know that. You don’t know anything about it.” He sidestepped around me and hurried out the door.
I did know something about it, actually, but he was right. I had no business telling him — or anyone — that anything was going to be okay. I don’t have those answers, I just had some hope that everything would work out for the best.
Chapter 11
What was happening to me? Where had all my helpful cynicism gone? Caught in the whirlwind of freak that had become my brain, probably. I used his words and his hardened expression as a fuel for my calm collected, ‘of course shit happens’ side.
It helped.
By the time I’d arrived home my brain spin had become more like a low, but still constant, buzzing noise. Annoying, but at least I could focus enough to do homework. I’d decided on the kitchen table this evening. Oddly enough, Kimber and Kayley chattering in the background actually helped. Kayley was retelling her Foods experience with Sheridan and how funny she was. The really funny part was that Sheridan wasn’t trying to be funny, Kayley just thought her perfectionistic peculiarities to be hilarious.
I was just finishing up with math when I got a text from Dominic.
DW: I just got done talking to Dr. Reid. He agrees! He also said it’d probably take the courts long enough that I’d age out before she could get very far in the process.
KF: That’s good news.
DW: So… can I get a selfie of you now? It’d be interesting to see what you look like when you’re not in costume.
Okay, so he obviously had no idea that I am who I am because he literally saw me every weekday not in costume. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that exactly, but I knew he preferred not being known in school, and I knew the possibility of him freaking out was super high, and I also knew that all it would take was a couple of clicks to ruin everything between us. And then I’d lose both of them — probably forever — and I know that doesn’t make sense because they’re the same person and also we have all those classes together. But it actually makes perfect sense because if school Dominic hated me, phone Dominic definitely would too — and I really didn’t want that.
I quickly devised a plan. Not a great one, but better than snapping a picture of me doing homework and captioning it, ‘Surprise!’
I loaded up my books and hauled them to my room. I changed into a comfy low cut tee I liked to wear when I went out, but could never wear to school because collar bones and shoulders or whatever, plus it’s totally see through. I clipped in my extensions, lined my eyes like I was going out, glued on some lashes and finished with a deep red lip that I over lined. It was basically how I dressed for public appearances, sort of a hybrid between costume and me. I still mostly looked like me, but kinda not.
And then I started snapping selfies. Head to the right, head to the left, hair over my face, eyes up, eyes down, mouth open, like I’m talking, slight smile, huge smile, arm in the air for no particular reason. I leaned off the chair letting my hair fall to the side and snapped a picture with my mouth in an ‘o’ then I leaned back in a bend over the chair, letting my hair fall to the floor, made a kissy face and snapped a picture or seven. Yep, that one was the winner. I looked absurd, but totally instagram worthy, so after I texted it to Dominic, I cropped it, slapped a couple filters on it and posted it to all the socials, knowing that Julian would be so happy.
And he so was. Ten seconds after I posted it I got a notification that he’d commented. “I love this — and you — so much!”
At least half of the comments after that were things like “Aaaw” and “Love” and “You guys are so cute.”
And then I got a text. Not from Dominic, which was kind of making me crazy, because what if he recognized me and was now ‘oh shit’-ing himself and wishing he’d never met me? The text was from Julian.
JR: You okay?
KR: Yeah. Mostly. Maybe. Why?
JR: Because you only wear that lipstick when you’re in a mood.
KR: Well, you know, high school sucks.
JR: Want to spend the weekend?
KR: Maybe. I’m supposed to be going to the game and the dance after. I’m the person with the car so it’d be super lame if I bailed.
JR: Come over after. I’ll be up.
JR: Oh, and take some video of that guy who wants to train with me.
I kind of made me feel a tad bit better going to the game for work and not just to hang out with and try not to think about Dominic while I watched him running up and down the field. I got another text and for some reason this one startled the crap out of me and I almost tossed my phone. It was Dominic.
DW: You’re upside down?
At least he wasn’t freaking out. I just needed to play it cool and be myself. Whatever that meant. I texted him the link to my instagram, then sent him one of the earlier pics where hair was covering most of my face. It was stuck to my lipstick and I was pushing it away with my tongue. I had one eye closed and I looked like an idiot, but it was real. Kind of.
KF: Selfies are usually a work thing for me, so yeah, I’m upside down. But it’s pre-shops and filters — just for you. And this one’s just for you too.
DW: It’s beautiful. I’ll cherish it, and the face you’re making, always.
Part of me wished he’d recognized me, part of me was glad he hadn’t. Another part of me was wondering when I’d developed into parts? Had I always been a crazy person or was this a new development?
I took my extensions out, and secured my tiny little locks into two tiny little ponytails just behind my ears. Then I washed off all the excess make-up and changed into a T-shirt that wasn’t see through.
My brain continued to be in a weird place throughout the evening but taking video of Jake for Julian during the game definitely took the edge off. So did Adria making jokes about videoing ‘other stuff’ later. At least I think she was joking. It’s hard to tell with her.
Somehow, hanging out with everyone, and just having fun, my brain had decided to stop overthinking all the things and just be Dominic’s friend. Whatever that looked like. I watched him run the field, he’s so fast, and score twice for our team. And we won! And everybody was so pumped up, I forgot I’d ever been tired.
As we were walking from the stadium to the gym, I saw him standing just outside the locker rooms, still in uniform, scowling at his phone. Our team had won. He’d won. So why was he scowling? The part of me who’d been told off by him earlier told me to just keep on walking. But the part of me that knew he was stressed out couldn’t let it alone. I told the others — the people I was with, not the crazy that had become different versions of me in my head — that I’d meet up with them in a bit, and made my way over to him.
“Hi, Dominic? How goes it?”
He looked up from his phone and looked around like he wasn’t sure who was talking to him. I was seriously the only other person standing there so it was super awkward. He locked his phone and went to put it in a pocket he didn’t have, let out a frustrated sigh and squared his eyes on me. “What do you want?” He sounded distracted, as if I’d already told him but he’d forgotten.
“Are you going to the dance?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Something to do?”
He let out a low sigh. “Look, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Just because I’m friendly, doesn’t mean I’m interested. I’m never going to be interested in you.”
Never? Ouch. If I hadn’t recently become a crazy person, this is the point I would have just walked away, but instead I heard myself say, “Wow. Harsh.”
“I’m not trying to be a
jerk. I just… I have a girlfriend.”
That was news to me! My eyes went wide as dinner plates. “You have a girlfriend?”
“Is it really that hard to believe? Okay fine,” he relented. “She’s not my girlfriends yet, but I’m working on it. But even so, you and me, it could never be a thing, I don’t see you that way. I’ll never see you that way. So I’m sorry if you thought I was leading you on or something, but I’m really not interested. You’re just not my type.”
“Is it the hair?” I don’t know why I asked him that.
He gave me a look, like I wasn’t hearing him. “It’s a lot of things, okay? You just need to let it go, cause nothing is ever going to happen.”
“You can’t dance, can you?”
“What? Look. I’m not going to the dance because I don’t want to go to the dance, okay. I don’t dance. And more importantly,” he pointed to his phone, “I have this girl I’m already really into.”
Girl on phone!? Did he mean me!? Holy wow, this was awkward. I mean, who the hell else could he be talking about? Didn’t even matter, this whole situation had just become way too surreal and sanity me decided it was time to put an end to this nonsense. “Well, I hope that works out for you,” I blurted then turned and walked as fast as I could without running to the entrance of the dance.
Okay, so maybe not end it, but at least remove myself from the situation until it went away all on its own. Maybe not the best solution, but at least I was back to behaving more like myself again.
And yet, there was this nagging sensation to turn around and talk to him some more, or send him another selfie — with himself standing in the background. And then I thought, I should have asked him what his almost girlfriend’s name was, because if it happened to be Kat… Well… Shit. I don’t know. That would just make everything definitively more weird and messed up, wouldn’t it?
I fell in line next to Kimber and Claire who were excitedly talking about something. “So?” Claire turned to me, wagging her brows.
“What?”
She rolled her eyes at me. “Dominic Weedon?”
I shrugged. “He doesn’t dance.”
“Girl!” Jayla grabbed my arm. “Do not tell me you just tried to ask out Dominic Weedon.”
“No, I just asked if he was going to the dance.”
“What’s the difference?” Ambree asked.
“Look, as hard as this may be for some of you to understand, I’m not really interested in dating, or having a relationship, or any of that stuff.”
“Yeah,” Ambree was shaking her head. “I don’t get it. Are you like asexual or something?”
“No, I just have other things I’m focusing on right now. Like school and work.”
“Nope,” Ambree’s head was a back and forth pendulum. “Still don’t get it.”
“Don’t even try, Ambs” Kimber broke in. “It’s easier if you think of her as basically a 45-year-old cat lady, trapped in a teenager’s body, and without any cats. No offense.”
If it got Ambree off my back, no offense taken.
Jayla yanked me away from the group. “Trust me on this, you need to stay away from that guy.”
“Oh?” My hand found my hip, “And why is that?”
“Because he’s bad news.”
My eyes rolled. “Yeah, that doesn’t work for me. You may have known him for longer. But I’m pretty sure I know him better than you do.”
“Whatever, it’s not just him. It’s all the jocks, okay?” She bit her lip and crossed her arms in front of her, hugging her elbows. “I tried to be friends with them last year, and it was a huge mistake. I just don’t want anybody else to have the same regrets I do.”
There was no easy way to say or explain that I wasn’t prone to that kind of hurt because I seldom let anybody close enough to care that much. And if I was being honest with myself, which I totally wasn’t ready to do, I’d already let Dominic in, and it was way complicated and I’d walked away, but I had absolutely no intentions of ending anything with him. So I’m basically a masochist, apparently. And the only solace I had came from knowing that eventually it was going to hurt him too. So I guess I’m basically also a sadist. When did life become so complicated and confusing?
“Thanks for looking out for me, Jayla,” I put a hand on her arm. “I’m not just going to stop being friendly to people because someone else says I should. I’d definitely regret doing that.”
Jayla shook her head. “Just, be careful, okay. You can’t trust any of them. They act nice at first and then…” her voice faded as her frown grew.
“I’ll be careful,” I promised.
Jayla nodded, though I could tell she didn’t believe me, and went back to the group. I checked the time on my phone, it wasn’t even 7:30 and I was ready to crawl into bed and sleep through the rest of the weekend.
And there was a text from Dominic.
DW: So, today has been a ridiculously stressful day. And I wanted to tell you that before I met you, a day like today, a day like yesterday, would have been basically unbearable. I know that sounds sappy, but I don’t even care. Knowing you, knowing you’re there for me, and really just knowing that somebody cares, make’s life better.
He was probably writing this text when I walked up to him. So, really what he liked about me is that I wasn’t a real life person. That’s messed up. Too messed up for me to even begin to think about. I just needed to spend the next hour and a half dancing without thinking, then driving everybody home, then driving to Julian’s and spending the rest of the weekend in a world as close to my old normal as possible. But first—
KF: I’m sure I’m not the only person who cares about you, Dominic. Maybe I’m just the only person you’re willing to risk sharing ‘who you are’ with.
I set my phone to ‘do not disturb’ after I texted Dominic and tried my best not to even look at it after that. I let the music take me and spent the whole night dancing. I kept the music loud in the car while I drove everyone home and turned it even louder as I drove to Julian’s. I bolted through the silence from the car to his door and everything vanished when I saw his smile.
I spent the night curled next to Julian, just like when we were kids. Saturday we went for a hike, had a picnic and just disconnected from the world. It was some kind of amazing, or, you know, just being with Julian. We got mani-pedi’s in the afternoon and watched movies until we fell asleep in front of the TV. Of course I woke the next morning, curled in bed next to Julian again. “You know you could have just left me on the couch,” I yawned and stretched.
“Oh no, Darling, you’re much too precious to leave sleeping on a couch.”
“Do you really think it’s fair to other guys that you’re my primary male role model?”
“I certainly hope not. Besides that, I’m the only man you need in your life. Now, do you want to go out for brunch or do you want french toast?”
“You have to ask?” I huffed at him.
“You wanna talk about it?” Julian asked as he set a plate of warm french toast covered in fruit in front of me a little while later.
“Not really. I think I’m going to go with the ‘ignore it and hope it goes away’ option.”
“Will you at least tell me what it’s about?”
I took a bite of scrumptiousness, chewed and swallowed before I answered. “A guy. A stupid guy. He’s actually a really smart guy. But he’s also just so… infuriatingly stupid.”
Julian sighed. “You must really like him if you’re willing to put up with something like that. Is he the reason you’ve been avoiding your phone?”
“Maybe.”
Julian nodded. “Well, Kimber’s been texting me, she thought one of her friends might have said something that upset you? And she’s worried that you aren’t returning any of her texts. I told her you were unplugging for the weekend, and then had to explain what that meant, so good luck with that.”
I reluctantly retrieved my phone after we finished breakfast. I had a small truckload
of texts waiting for me and a few missed calls. None of which I was ready to deal with at the moment.
I stalled as long as I could by showing Julian the videos of Jake and then talking about his style and personality a bit.
“What did he say was his reason why he wanted to train with you?” I asked.
“That it’s his preferred language.”
“Well that’s interesting.”
Julian agreed with a nod. “I think I’ll meet with him. Now, how about you deal with your worriers and then we can go for a walk and get some coffee or something.”
“Unnnnghhh,” I grumbled.
“I know, Darling, just think of it like a bandaid.” He patted my arm then left to do dishes. I got up to help but he said, “Nope. If Kimber texts me one more time, I’ll have to insist we all spend next weekend together.” He lifted his brows in my direction. “Is that what you want?”
“Fine,” I chuckled at him.
The missed texts were from Kimber, Kayley, and Dominic. Mostly Kimber so I tapped on her name first. She’d started texting me Friday night while we were still at the dance.
KimE: OMG. What did Jayla say to you?
KimE: Was she a bitch to you?
KimE: Because sometimes she’s a bitch.
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