My brain was reeling full tilt free-fall spin I actually felt a little bit dizzy from it all but I managed to eke out a “Why?”
Dominic took a solid step back, letting the cool of the room rush between us. His absence hurt, physically, like I’d lost a limb — or a piece of my soul.
“I’m turning eighteen soon,” he shrugged. “Still legal now.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works.”
“That’s exactly how that works,” he replied, gruff — sexy as fuck.
A tingly chill shot through my core, clouding my thoughts with the implied imagery behind his words, rendering me speechless and completely overwhelmed.
He returned to his position leaning against the counter, with his arms folded in front of him. “I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t get close to anyone, not until I was good and ready and stable. I’m not stable. And you keep trying to get close, and the worst thing is, you do it without even trying. You’re just nice, and understanding, and forgiving. And still fucking talking to me — and loaning me a god damned pencil every day, even though you have absolutely no reason to.” He brushed a finger under his eye. “And you got me that fucking book.”
“It’s complicated,” I said, because I’m a total chicken shit.
“Very,” he agreed. “I know you’re smart, but you’re still just a kid.”
Ouch.
“Sometimes, I think maybe if you were a senior but, I don’t know… it’s irrelevant anyway.”
I wondered if I should tell him I was a senior, even if it didn’t matter — because maybe it actually did — but I got the feeling that was only just a small part of the actual problem, so I didn’t.
“I just need to be on my own, you know?”
“No one on one relationships,” I said, my tone flat. “I totally get. It’s basically my jam. Hell, I’ve preached it. But no friends? Why would you do that to yourself?”
“Friends can fuck you over too,” he reasoned.
I could do it in three words, maybe less. “Fair point.”
“Besides, as soon as high school ends we’re all going our separate ways, doing our own things. Why start something that’s just going to end?”
“Everything ends, Dominic. Why deprive yourself of something good, just because it might not last?”
“Hey, I eat cupcakes and kiss girls don’t I?”
“And how do you even know it’s not going to last? My Step-dad’s best friend has been his best friend since high-school.”
“I guess that’s on me too. My life’s been kind of shitty so far. When I graduate, it’s a fresh start for me. The plan is to cut ties with all of it, and everyone and just live the rest of my life for me.”
“Everyone?”
“I know that sucks, but that’s how it’s gotta be. If we meet again in a few years, cool. But for now, it’s just what’s gonna happen, I’m sorry.”
“Then, why did you kiss me?”
“Because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I think maybe I should just do what feels good now, instead of what I know is for the best. Why’d you stand up to Larson the way you did?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t really thinking about it like that. She was just pissing me off.”
“Same here.”
Confusion turned me toward him “Huh? Are you saying I piss you off?”
“Maybe. No. I’m saying I wasn’t thinking. I was just doing. And it was a good kiss, and I wish I could take it back.”
And then we just stood there in silence for moment. “Okay. So, does this ‘fresh start after high school’ rule apply to your phone friend too?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s different with her. Thing is, I don’t really know her. I mean, I do, at least I think I do, and she knows me better than anyone, it’s just that we’ve never really met.”
“You like her though,” I nudged. He said nothing. “You love her,” I pressed. More silence. Why not push a little more, dig this hole a little deeper? “You’re in love with her, but you kissed me.”
“I shouldn’t have,” he said. “Sometimes, you remind me of her.”
Was this progress? Maybe even some kind of breakthrough?
“Even though you’re nothing alike,“ he added.
No. No, it wasn’t.
He shifted his weight. “You should stay away from me. I’m only going to hurt you.”
I reached over and took hold of his hand, and he let me, and I said, “I’m not going to stop being your friend, just because you haven’t figured things out yet, Dominic.” And then I left, and he let me go.
Chapter 19
As I was re-locking the gate behind me I got a text. “This better not be you, Dominic,” I mumble grumbled. It wasn’t.
KimE: OMG, where are you? Where did you go? I can’t find Kayley. The only places I haven’t looked are behind locked doors — help me!
“Why?” I whined at the text. “Why can’t people just go to a party and not worry so damn much and just try to have some fun? This is freaking ridiculous.” So is talking to your phone, but whatever.
I didn’t text Kimber. I texted Kayley.
KF: Dude, text Kims back before she poops on the entire party.
Kayley immediately texted me back.
KayE: LOL! The girl has no chill! I texted her plenty. I’ve also litRlly ben no more than 10 feet away from her the whole time. Don’t worry abt Ms. Pooper, I have a plan.
That sounded ominous.
KimE: Found her. But where are you!?
I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her that wouldn’t become a bigger more dramatic thing, especially considering her current state of freak-out, so I didn’t text back.
About the time I was crossing the street back to Adria’s my brain exploded with realization: Dominic had kissed me. And he was upset about it because he’d fallen in love with someone else — who is also me. And I liked that he felt that way about me. I was happy to walk out of his place as friends because even if he liked me enough to kiss me, according to him, our relationship had a deadline. Except it didn’t. Boom — gray matter everywhere. No point in even calling the paramedics, just get a mop.
I stopped and glared at my phone, as if it were to blame for all my angst. In a way, it kind of was. And then I texted Julian.
KF: I was wrong, Jules. I should have picked early graduation. High school is dumb. Please tell me I’m not too late!
Oh, wait, I just realized I’ve skipped a part. Lemme go back.
So, as it happened, at the end of first term, I had enough credits to graduate. Mr. Pringle gave me the news before the winter break when I met with him to figure out my schedule for next term. And he was like, ’You could graduate early if you want to, there’s no ceremony but you’re outta school.’ And I totally should have said, ‘I’ll take it,’ and ran. But at the time I was like, ‘Nah, I think I’d like to ride this whole high school adventure out, go to prom, do the graduation walk, blah blah blah…’ Obviously I wasn’t thinking straight at the time.
But I was thinking straight now. The further away from all this high school angst and drama, the better.
Julian didn’t text back, he called.
“Hey,” I answered, and sniffed because it was freaking cold and my nose was running.
“Are you crying?” Julian asked.
“No, I’m freezing.”
“Why?”
“Because I went outside without my coat in the middle of winter.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m an idiot teenager, Jules.”
Julian sighed. “What happened?”
“I just… It’s a long story, and I’m cold and I don’t want to talk about it. Just, tell me I don’t have to go to school anymore.”
“You don’t have to go to school anymore.”
“Thank you,” I sighed, triumphant, except, it was too easy. “Is that true?”
“No.”
“Why!?” I whine
d.
“Because you need these experiences, Darling.”
“I disagree.”
“Yes, but you’re not thinking clearly.”
“Or maybe I’m just starting to,” I said through chattering teeth.
“Says the girl who went outside without a coat in freezing temperatures.”
“That’s got nothing to do with it.” I defended. I was just outside Adria’s now but the music inside was so loud I stayed outside so I could hear Julian.
“Where are you?” Julian asked.
“At a party.”
“Outside?”
“I’m outside of the party. It’s too noisy in there to talk on the phone.”
“But you were already outside when I called,” Julian sounded confused.
“I was helping Dominic hide a drunk guy from his girlfriend.”
Dominic laughed — yeah, Dominic. He was standing right behind me, right next to me. Julian laughed too, but his was more like a hopeless chuckle.
“And I gotta go,” my voice pitched.
Dominic shifted his weight from one foot to the other, like maybe he was going to continue on his way, but he didn’t. He just hung there like he was waiting for me to get off the phone.
“You’re coming over tomorrow?” Julian asked. It was less ask and more confirm. The kind that let me know my Sunday would be spent explaining all of this to him.
“Yes. Maybe sooner.”
“I loves you, Katarina.”
“I loves you too.” I ended the call.
I could tell Dominic wanted to say something to me, he just wasn’t.
“S’up?” I shivered.
Dominic grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the house and into the room where all the coats were piled and shut the door. It cut down enough of the noise we wouldn’t have to yell at each other if he ever decided to say what he was thinking.
I was doing my damndest to try and not care if he said anything or not, even though I totally did. It was warm inside. Warm was good. I was going to focus on warm. And the stinging pain in my cheeks and hands as they began to thaw.
“Did you mean what you said?” Dominic blurted.
No idea what he was talking about. I mean, not exactly anyway. “I try to.” I shrugged. “What did I say?”
“That we’re still friends?”
“Actually, I wasn’t sure that went both ways,” I confessed.
“Wait, so you’re saying you didn’t even care if I didn’t think of you as a friend, you were still going to be my friend?”
“I’m pretty sure this was all established months ago, with a pencil.”
“But why?” his brow furrowed. “Why be friends with someone who isn’t going to be your friend in return?”
“Because it isn’t about the other person, it’s about me, it’s about who I want to be. I want to be a friendly person, so I am.”
“And that’s why you were being so nice to Ryan?”
“I was mostly helping you. He looked heavy.”
“You were still nice to him, better than he deserved.”
“What’s your point?” I shrugged.
“Do you even like me?”
I almost said, ‘I love you, Dominic.’ Just as casually as if I were having this conversation with… I don’t know — Dominic. And then I felt like I needed to mentally pull myself aside and grab myself by the shoulders and yell, “WHAT!?” in all caps. Because how exactly was that nonsense even in my brain to begin with?
Fortunately, I managed to catch my confession before it was fully vocalized, just after the L, but not before the O so it came out sounding like, “I loike you.” I faked a shiver and rubbed my cheeks, as if they were to blame for my sliding vowels, and repeated for clarity, with extra emphasis on the word like. “I like you. You’re a very likable guy, why wouldn’t I like you?”
He shrugged. “Because I’m not always a very nice guy.”
I laughed.
“Why is that funny?”
“Because, I know you.”
“The fuck is that even supposed to mean?” He huffed, folded his arms and began fidgeting. “No you don’t.”
“Dominic,” I started. The war within was strong. I wanted so badly to tell him the truth, but I knew too well that it came with the admission of a very big lie. And I just couldn’t see a way to win. “You think I don’t know you, because you don’t tell me who you are. That’s just a piece. I get to see who you are, every day so I know first hand you can be a prick. I also know that you’re basically friendly to everybody, that you look out for others, that you care for people and that you always try to do what’s right.” I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I took a breath and added, “And you push people away because you have a hard time with trust.”
His brow furrowed, his arms tightened across his chest, his jaw and fists clenched. And then they all just dropped, like he was taking off a sweater, he shook it off, laughed a little and said. “Huh. I didn’t think I was that transparent.” And then he started fidgeting again.
“You’re not.” I reassured. “Most people just think you’re stuck-up.”
He rolled his eyes. “So why don’t you?”
“Because I’m your friend,” I shrugged.
Half a second later the door opened. It was Adria, followed by Alexa.
“Ugh. Here you are,” Adria bellowed. “I was starting to think you dropped off your cousins and left. Ooh, am I interrupting?” Adria winked.
“No,” Dominic said.
“Have you guys seen Ryan?” Alexa asked.
Dominic shifted his weight. “He was pass out drunk, I took him home.”
Alexa growled. “Why? Why would you do that?”
I resisted the urge to put my hand on my hip. “Because Dominic and I are tonight’s designated drivers.”
Alexa was fuming mad. “And who told you to do that?” She glared at Adria.
“Nobody told us to do that,” I said. “We decided to do that all on our own.”
“I’ll give you a ride home if you need it?” Dominic offered.
Alexa huffed. “I don’t need a ride home. But since you took my ride, how about you come give me a ride in his place.”
“What?” Dominic doubled down on his closed body position, tightening the grip of his arms across his chest.
“Alexa,” Adria pitched in. “None of what you just said made any sense.”
“Fuck, Dominic.” Alexa rolled her eyes. “You took my fuck, so now you get to fuck me, instead.”
Dominic’s eyes darted back and forth between the three of us girls, his expression asking if she was serious. I was wondering the same thing.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
Alexa flipped her hair over her shoulder and narrowed her eyes on Dominic. “Very,” she stepped closer to him, eager to dig her claws into him.
“Not interested.” Dominic said.
Alexa stepped forward and put her hand on his chest. “Well, maybe I don’t care if you’re not interested. Maybe I even prefer that.”
“Okay, that’s just gross.” I moved to stand next to Alexa, ready to step in between them if needed.
“Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it, virgin.” She ground in the word virgin like it was supposed to be a bad thing.
“No. I can soundly say rape isn’t my thing.”
“Don’t be so stupid,” she rolled her eyes. “Girls can’t rape guys.”
“Yes they can. And I’m starting to think that’s what’s happened every time you’ve ever had sex with Ryan.”
Alexa turned her predatory glare on me. “You don’t know anything about anything,” she spat.
“I know that if you don’t back the fuck up out of here, I’m going to stop playing nice.”
Alexa sneered, as she sized me up. I sort of hoped she’d try something, sort of hoped she’d just walk away, totally hoped she’d get hit by a bus on her way home. Oh, but then the bus driver might feel bad because they would have no
idea that they’d actually done the world a favor. Okay, forget the bus. I totally hoped she got struck by lightening.
“Uhm, maybe you should go, Alexa.” Adria’s voice wavered. “You know she beat up a teacher, right?”
Not how that went down, at all.
“Fine.”Alexa sneered. “I’ll go. But this isn’t over between us,” she pointed a finger close to my chest, being careful not to actually touch me. “I’ll be coming for you, when you least expect it.”
“You’re threatening me now? In front of witnesses?”
Alexa turned and stormed out, shoving past Adria. I think everyone would have agreed it was a relief to have Alexa go, except she didn’t actually leave the party, she just left the room.
“She didn’t leave,” I informed Adria.
“Great,” Adria pulled out her phone and started angrily typing. “Now there’s a rapist loose at my party. I can’t believe I actually felt sorry for her that Ryan cheated with you.”
“What!?” Alexa was suddenly back in the doorway, now holding her coat.
Adria jumped and yelped.
Dominic grabbed my wrist, and tugged me close, but I couldn’t tell if it was out of fear or a need to protect me. Maybe it was both.
“You’re lying!” Alexa screeched.
“Okay,” Adria agreed.
“She’s lying!” Alexa yowled.
“You want the truth, Alexa,” Dominic said. “Ryan brags about all his scores. Kate was just one of them.”
Kate? That’s a new one. I don’t think anyone’s ever called me Kate. For some reason, I didn’t mind it. Maybe because it wasn’t Katie, which is a five year old girls name, because cat hot dog is just too funny. Still. “You know my name’s not Kate, right?” I whispered.
“Fine, Katie,” he rolled his eyes. “Also not your name, you really want to do this right now? Didn’t think so.” He answered for me. Didn’t even give me a chance to answer. Truth is, my answer would have been yes. I’d way rather argue with Dominic than with Alexa the crazy rapist. But sure, maybe it wasn’t the best timing, even though he totally started it.
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