It was totally the chill weekend I needed.
Sometime Saturday Julian was on the couch, flipping through Netflix options when I cuddled up next to him. “I’ve been thinking about something I wanted to talk to you about,” I said.
“You can talk to me about anything, Darling,” Julian bobbed his head in my direction and continued his scrolling.
“I wanted to talk to you about no longer being a virgin.”
Julian clicked off the TV and turned toward me. “I’m listening.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about having sex for the first time. I want to be able to have sex when I feel like it and not have it be like this huge deal. But until I get the first time out of the way, it’s always going to feel like a big deal. But I don’t just want to get it out of the way, I want it to mean something. I want it to be special, with someone special. I don’t want it to be something I’m going to regret. Do you know what I mean?”
“I do. Your first time should be special. It’s not guaranteed to be memorable, but you’ll never forget it.”
“That’s why, I want it to be you.”
Julian leaned forward, then he leaned back. “Me?”
I nodded.
Julian nodded, considering, and then he stood, “Let me think about this.” He paced slowly in front of the couch. “Have you thought about this, or is this just an idea that’s popped in from someplace?”
“I’ve thought about it a lot, Jules.”
Julian took a deep breath in and let it out again “Was morality a part of your thought process?”
“Jules, it’s us. I’ll understand if you don’t want to, but if it’s because of what others might think, no way, this is between you and me. And it’s been my experience that you and I get each other when other people don’t, so no one else gets a say here.”
He took another breath in and let it back out again. “Well, okay, here we are,” he said mostly to himself. “Okay.” He sat back down on the couch with his leg up, his body turned toward mine. “I’ll agree to this, if you’ll agree to do something for me.”
“What?”
“I want to be a father one day. Will you be the mother?”
“You want me to— uh…” my brain was exploding. “To have a child— your child, and like, be a mom, or a surrogate or something?”
Julian took my hands in his, and brushed his thumbs over my knuckles. “Darling, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be the mother of my children.”
“Children!” I choked on a laugh. “We’re plural now.”
“I would have asked you eventually anyway,” Julian admitted.
“Wow. That’s big.”
Julian nodded. “I don’t mean now, Kat. We have plenty of time. But if you want to do grown up things, you have to make grown up decisions, this is one of them.”
“I’m afraid of being pregnant, Jules,” I whined. “Wrecking my body with stretch marks, not to mention what having a baby might do to my very not baby sized vagina.”
Julian nodded. “I understand. And I’ll love you just the same through all of it, and even if you say no.”
I sat back to consider.
“I’ve heard that if you’re not ready to have a baby, you’re not ready to have sex,” he said after a minute.
I lifted my head toward him. “That’s literally one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Let me just… think about it.”
Julian smiled, relieved, like he’d just discovered the one loophole that would keep me a virgin for the rest of my life. “Take all the time you need.”
I left Julian on the couch and went to the window in the kitchen that overlooked the valley, and listened to the rain. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the future. Of being a mom, and having a child that looked like me and Julian. With hazel eyes, warm brown hair, and dimples. No. Probably not dimples. Those weren’t a family trait for either of us as far as I knew, but apparently my mind wanted to add a smidgen of Ryan into the mix.
“Okay,” I turned to Julian. “But I’m not even attempting the baby thing for a long — long — time. Like, we’re talking ten years from now at the earliest.”
Julian nodded. “Agreed. And what about you? When would you like to… experience sex for the first time?”
I lifted a shoulder. “Uhm. Now?”
Julian chuckled then stood and met me in the kitchen. He locked his eyes on mine and he flashed me one of his most devilish grins. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, planting a single soft kiss on my lips. “Do you think it will change things between us?”
“Doubt it. We’re not like that.”
Julian nodded. “Okay. Give me a minute.” He kissed me again, and again on the forehead and then disappeared into his room.
I stood in the kitchen and listened to the rain, waiting. I wondered if he was nervous. I wasn’t. I was never nervous with Julian. I wondered if I’d be nervous with someone else.
Julian called me into his room. He was in bed, the clothes he’d been wearing were laid over a chair. “I’m ready when you are,” he said, his hands beneath the covers, a knee up.
I stripped down to my underwear and climbed into the bed next to him. Julian lifted the covers to expose his readiness. And the unopened condom he was holding. I couldn’t help but notice the band of purple circling the base of his penis. “Uhm, what’s that?” I pointed.
“It’s called a cock ring.” He stroked himself from tip to base. It was oddly arousing. I wondered what it was doing for him.
“What’s it for?”
“It keeps the blood from leaving my penis before I want it too.”
I nodded slowly. “Is that like, a necessary thing?”
“No, I just don’t want to disappoint you, Darling. You’re my favorite person, just not my favorite flavor of erotic pleasure.”
“Oh, yeah.” My head bobbed up and down. “No, I get it. It’s cool. I was just curious.”
“Okay, Curious,” he smiled, amused. “Come help me put this on,” he held the condom up.
“You need my help for that?” I narrowed my eyes at him.
“No,” he held it out toward me. “But I would like to know you know how to properly use one.”
I rolled my eyes and took the condom from him. “I know how to put socks on too,” I complained. And then proceeded to put the condom on upside down, so it wouldn’t roll down. Julian had to tell me to turn it over, and pinch the air out of the tip. Condoms are not like socks. “Now what?” I asked, job done, as I wiped my hand on the sheets. “Just hop on board?”
Julian laughed. “Well, typically there’s foreplay beforehand, but we’re not exactly lovers,” he shrugged. “I think it’ll be easier your first time if you call the shots and set the pace. I want you to be comfortable.”
“Okay,” I straddled his lap, suddenly nervous. “Is this weird for you?”
“A little bit,” he admitted. “But, in a way, it’s not something I haven’t thought about.” He traced his fingers over my arms and back and belly, as he talked. “For one thing, I’ve thought about having children with you for a long time. I love you more than words, but love and sex are very different things. On the other side of that, every time we practice or perform, in its own way, it’s a little bit like we’re making love, as we come together, physically, emotionally, passionately.”
I chuckled at him and leaned closer, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I love that you’re a romantic, Jules. And I want passion and all that, but for right now I think I just want to get the steps down, you know?”
“I’ll follow your lead.”
I slipped off my undies and positioned myself over him with one leg up. Just like putting in a really large tampon, I reassured myself. Just gotta relax and — I lowered myself onto him. “Oh, Um. Wow. Oh, woah. Ouch. This is not at all like putting in a tampon,” I huffed.
“Just relax,” Julian steadied me with his hands on my hips. “It’s a tight muscle, Darling. Give it time and breath
e through it, you’re doing fine.”
I took a breath and tried to relax. “I read a book where a girl lost her virginity like this. They made it sound like he just slipped right in. Of course, she was an alien, so.”
“There was probably a lot of other factors too I’d imagine. Like foreplay, and lust, and something other than just mechanics.” Julian added. “All right, hop off.”
“What? Why?” I frowned as I moved off of him. “I’m not ready to give up on this yet, Jules.”
“No, I know,” Julian grabbed a bottle of something from his nightstand and squeezed a glob of goop on his penis, slathering it around with his hand. “Okay, Darling, let’s try this again.”
I straddled him again, determined to make it work this time. I took a deep breath in and let it out again and then another. I think I was making progress, it had to be at least an inch — inch and a half, maybe three quarters, in there by now. “It’s kind of cold in here, a bit, do you think?”
Julian slipped his arms around me and half a second later I was on my back with him hovering over me. “Sex may not be love, Darling, but form is every bit as important as function. Tell me you’ll always be mine, Katarina,” he said as he pressed against me.
I met his eyes. “I’ll always be yours, Julian.”
He pressed his tip lightly against me, moving slightly, gently — it felt like some kind of amazing — small, nudging taps. Pretty soon I was tingly and wet from more than just the goop he’d added and lifting toward him, wanting more. His eyes never left mine.
He kissed me then, deep and hard and strong as he pressed himself against me, into me, slow and steady. His hands groping and kneading against my legs, my butt, my back. His eyes never leaving mine, easing off and telling me to breath when my muscles contracted and clenched and hurt. After a minute I didn’t even notice the pressure between my legs. I completely relaxed, and wrapped my legs around him.
“Are you okay?” he lifted himself onto his elbows and brushed a stray strand of hair from my face.
“Yeah,” I smiled up at him. “Are you?”
He smiled, so gorgeous. “I just want to look at you,” he said. And then after a bit, he moved his lower half away. It was an odd sensation, pulling out, pulling away. And then he pushed himself back in. And that was another kind of odd, breathtaking, kind of uncomfortable, kind of amazing sensation.
And then he did it again.
And again.
And again.
And at some point I realized, this was it. This was sex. But it was so much more than that, too. It was Julian and me, making love.
After maybe a minute, Julian stopped, he moved his knees up and sat up, keeping his lower half against me. “Well?”
“Uhm, What?” I shrugged up at him.
“There’s really not much more to it than this. You want to call it?”
“Why would we call it? Are you not — is this bad for you?”
“Not at all, Darling,” he bent his head down and kissed my knee. “You’re new to this, it’s unlikely you’ll reach orgasm, and likely to leave you sore, the more friction the more likely that is.”
I scowled at him.
“Katarina,” he scolded.
“I want to do all the things, Jules. Maybe I won’t cum, I don’t know, but shouldn’t at least one of us?”
“That’s not actually a requirement, Darling,” he said as he ran his hands over my legs.
“C’mon Jules. I’m always going to remember this, and you know it.”
Julian shook his head and sighed. “Fine, you win.” He took my hand and directed it to the spot just above our connected point. My body tingled and tightened as my fingers grazed against my clit.
My body flushed with heat. “Uhm…” I met Julian’s eyes. “I don’t—“ I shrugged and giggled, embarrassed, maybe? I’m not entirely sure I could define what I was feeling exactly. But I definitely got the feeling that he wanted me to uh… do my thing — in front of him.
“You know what to do, Darling, how to make yourself cum.”
Uh-huh, yep! He was totally asking me to — to masturbate — right here — in front of him! Hoooooo! What? I mean, of course I knew how but— but… now? And with everything else that was going on? How!?
Julian smiled, leaned close and kissed the corner of my mouth. “Now you’re embarrassed?”
“That’s just… you know… a thing we — I — do alone. You know?”
“Yes, it’s a very intimate, private act, kind of like sex.” He kissed me hard, and moved out and in a few more times. It was nice. I especially liked how it mostly made me forget what I’d been thinking about. My hand was still between us and I liked the way it felt as my fingers pressed against sensitive spots as he pushed against me.
I unintentionally let out a happy little moan. Julian pulled away and smiled at me. I giggled — and blushed.
Julian set a kiss against my collarbone. “I’ve never liked the idea that everyone is responsible for their own orgasm, but it’s also not fair to put the expectation entirely on another either. It’s a group activity, group effort, everybody needs to do their part and all that,” he met my eyes, almost apologetic for the reference I heard him make before concerning performing. “And never underestimate the power and sexiness of confidence, Darling,” he grinned.
I knew he was right. I let myself get lost in his gaze, in his embrace. “Just you and me,” I whispered.
He responded with a familiar look: sexy and approving and wanting. He pressed his lips to mine, and then trailed kisses over my chin, down my neck and along my collarbone to my chest, and then he pinched one of my nipples between his lips and licked it.
I gasped.
He growled.
It was sexy and vulnerable and intimate and… freeing.
As awkward as I felt, I began to move my fingers between us. It wasn’t at all like when it’s just me — I mean there was an entire other person there, who was kind of in the way, but I found a lovely rhythm and choreography soon enough, and it wasn’t long before I felt the familiar build among all the new and unfamiliar sensations.
Julian held me close, his pace was slow and steady, but synchronized with my own movements. I could feel his breath, heavy and warm against my neck, and shoulder. I think it was that, more than any other thing, along with him breathlessly whispering “I love you, Katarina, forever, for always, you are mine…” that brought me to orgasm.
It was definitely the ‘you are mine’ bit. I don’t even know how to explain why his possessiveness is such a turn on. Maybe because it’s both true and not true at the same time. Like, I am his, but not in a weird I own you kind of way, but in a ‘what we have and what we are is forever’ kind of way.
For some reason, when it happened, I was like, “Oh,” like I was responding to what he was saying, and then I just kept saying it… “Oh, oh, oh.” Not that I was even thinking about what I was saying — it was just the sound that was coming out of me, and this was my first time with another person so I had no idea if that was normal or whatever. And also, it wasn’t like a giant, mind blowing thing, it was small and delicate, like dozens of little rocks rippling in a pool. Or like the kind where you really need some release but you’re so exhausted you’d rather just go to sleep except your kind of restless so you’re like, ‘hey, I’ve heard this is a pretty good sleep aid’ and so you give it a go, and it’s got all the oomph of like three sneezes in a row, but you sigh and relax and then go to sleep right after…
That can’t just be me.
“Did you cum too?” I asked.
“No,” he kissed my shoulder. “I don’t need to. Again, it’s not a requirement.”
“But, I’ll feel bad if you don’t,” I pouted.
He grumble sighed against my shoulder. “Tell me if it starts to hurt, Kat. Even a little bit. I mean it. I don’t want you to be sore.”
I was already a little bit sore. But it was a kind of sore that sort of felt good too. Like the ache of a good work
out, but also totally not like that. “I’ll tell you,” I said.
He grumbled, pulled away from me and smeared on another glop of lube.
“Is that a necessary thing?” I asked, pointing to the bottle of goo while he settled himself back between my legs.
“Not always,” he ran his hands over my legs and gripped my hips, aligning me with him, he took a breath, similar to the way he did before doing pull-ups. He used his hand for best alignment, and slowly slid himself into me. I thought there’d be more resistance than there was. I was glad there wasn’t.
He pulled me close, his eyes on mine, searching my expression. “What are you waiting for?” I whispered.
“I…” he stammered. “I don’t know. This just feels very real all of a sudden.”
I looped my arm around his neck, “I love that about us,” I smiled at him.
He leaned close and I wrapped myself around him as he moved himself in and out. His rhythm was faster now, all his own. He set his head next to mine, his lips against my shoulder. It wasn’t long before he was experiencing his own orgasm.
I felt a little bit sad that I couldn’t see his face, but then I thought maybe it was actually for the best. Julian and I weren’t lovers. We were partners. I loved that we could share this experience with each other and yet somehow still keep the secret of our O faces.
Julian kissed my shoulder and sighed against my ear. “And now we’ve reached the part where we clean up.”
I twisted toward him. “No just falling asleep in each others arms?”
“Not yet,” he chuckled.
There was a little bit of pink when I wiped, and I was worried he’d be upset that I didn’t tell him things were starting to hurt. But he just told me to keep an eye on it and take it easy.
And then we cuddled on the couch and ate popcorn and watched a movie, and I fell asleep halfway through and woke up the next morning in the bed, snuggled next to Julian, just like any other weekend. Julian made french toast for breakfast and told me condoms were everyone’s responsibility, so if I was planning on having sex again, it should become something I keep on hand, but not forever because they have expiration dates.
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