by C. A. Harms
“I’ve told you that my mom doesn’t live around here, but what I didn’t tell you is that she ran off on Raven and me shortly after my parents were divorced. It’s been a sore subject for the both of us, a lot of hard feelings lingering. Mixed feelings really, but it was always something we could tuck away because she wasn’t around.” She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. “But now she’s back.”
“What? When?”
“Two days ago,” she said, looking back up at me with tears in her eyes. “That day I was at your place, and I left in a hurry, it was the day he told me she called crying about the mistakes she’s made. Then this morning she was knocking on our door, pretending like the last few years hadn’t even taken place.”
I sat there listening to her, trying to imagine the feelings rolling around in her mind. I’d always been so close to my own mother that the idea of her leaving and never looking back was unimaginable.
“She and my father are all lovey and shit, and Raven and I are just…” she shrugged, “dumbfounded. I guess we’re supposed to let go of all the questions we have because for the first time in a long time, my father’s happy. But I can’t, because I just keep waiting for her to hurt him again. I don’t believe her, and part of me feels awful for that. But I have reasons.” She tilted her head to the side as a single tear rolled over her cheek. “Don’t I?”
“Yes,” I replied as I reached out and pulled her in closer. I wanted to hold her and make everything all right, make it all go away. “You have every right to be judgmental and fearful. I’m sure you and Raven both have resentment for the way she walked away. Regardless of the divorce, you’re both still her daughters.”
“Every time I bring it up, I’m met with resistance. My father just wants me to let it all go, but I know I can’t. He looks so sad when my mother and I butt heads, and that alone makes me want to ignore what I feel. But then I become this person, a sad and angry version of myself.” She attempted to lower her head and look down, but I stopped her. “I’m sorry for causing this distance between us.” When she said the words, her lower lip trembled, and it felt like I’d just been kicked in the gut by a mule.
“Shhh,” I hushed her, leaning forward and pressing my forehead against hers. “Don’t apologize, just let me in. Talk to me, yell at me in order to feel better, but don’t push me away, AJ. I can’t stand it.”
She nodded as she leaned back and looked up at me. “I’m ashamed of the things she’s done.”
“You shouldn’t be,” I told her, “she should. Because she has two amazing daughters that she’s pushed away. I may not know Raven as well as I know you, but I can honestly say that your mother’s the one that’s lost in this situation. Because you, AJ, are as beautiful inside as you are out.”
I wanted to tell I loved her right then and there, but with everything she’d shared, I felt like the timing wasn’t right.
“Can I stay with you tonight?”
“You can stay with me every night.” She smiled, but I wasn’t joking. Everything just felt better when she was with me. I know I was a lot easier to deal with when she and I were on track. The guys, and even Grace, had been telling me that I was an ass for days now.
“What do ya say we get outta here and stop off at the store for that junk shit you love?”
“That sounds like a plan.” AJ arched her chin upward and I met her halfway for a kiss. The second her lips touched mine, I felt like the emptiness I’d been feeling wasn’t so deep anymore.
***
AJ curled into my side, and I swear to it she purred in comfort. Last night she cried and laughed, she talked about life before her parents’ divorce and then how things changed after. I tried not to judge her mother, but it was hard not to when I’d seen firsthand the way she’d managed to hurt my girl. The idea of anyone upsetting her left an ill feeling in my stomach.
When she finally fell asleep, cozy and warm beneath the blankets, her head resting on my chest, she slept like a rock. I wouldn’t bring up how she snored in her sleep because she would only deny it. It was just confirmation that she was in desperate need of rest.
She didn’t even wake when Mickey showed up to borrow my truck. He and I had a full conversation, and not once did she stir. After he left, I pulled her in closer and just enjoyed my time being able to hold her. If even for one night I could offer her peace, I was willing to do whatever it took. I would gladly be her escape, but I wasn’t sure I could be that guy who sat back allowing her to suffer emotionally without eventually opening my mouth.
Her sadness, her disappointment, it was hard to take.
Chapter Twenty-One
AJ
“She agreed to this?” I asked Raven, still not believing that my mother would willingly meet us at the park. Away from my father who had, for the last week, shielded her from our questions.
“Yeah,” my sister assured me from the driver’s seat as I sat next to her staring in disbelief. “Though I may have not given her much choice.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning that it was either now and there, or at home whether she and Dad liked it or not.” Raven was often outspoken; she always had been. It was one of the many things I adored about my older sister. She was always straightforward and to the point, and rarely did she care if you wanted to hear it or not. She spoke her mind, she gave the good and the bad. Though she had a way of making it a little less like a slap to the face when it was something you didn’t want to hear, it was still powerful.
“Part of me wants to believe that the reason she chose the park is because she does truly want to make things right with Dad. That the idea of upsetting him any further wasn’t what she intended.” Raven turned into the parking lot and pulled into the nearest space. “But again, I still have my reservations. I still have so much anger about what she did that I can’t honestly say that even after I hear her reasoning I’ll be able to forgive her. There’s always gonna be that part of me that feels like she’s lying. That part that no matter how hard I try, I can’t trust her.”
“I know what you mean.”
For the last week, I’d beaten myself up over and over in regard to this entire matter. Was I being too hard on her? Was I acting childish? Then I’d remember that she couldn’t even find the time to pick up the phone and wish us a happy birthday. She couldn’t even show up when Raven graduated nursing school at the top of her class. Then I’d forgive myself once again for being so stubborn and refusing to let her off as easily as my father had.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Raven said as she placed her hand on my shoulder. “I know living there has made it a little harder on you than me. At least I can escape.”
“I’ve stayed at Rhett’s for three nights now,” I confessed. “It was easier than facing the fact they were living in their happy little bubble.”
“Sleeping in the same bed as that man is definitely the better option.” Raven wagged her brows suggestively, which only made me laugh. “Let’s go get this weight off our shoulders once and for all.” I nodded in agreement as we both crawled from the car and began moving toward our mother who sat beneath a small gazebo about thirty feet from where we parked.
She looked up when she saw us coming and immediately began to twist her hands in her lap. She looked the same as she did when she left, except maybe a little older now.
“Hello, girls,” she said as we stepped beneath the overhang. “Before you both start firing off questions, I wanted to say that I truly am sorry for the way everything took place. I know it doesn’t change anything, but I just wanted you both to know.”
“Why?” Raven stood tall, her shoulders squared as she stared at our mother. “Why did you walk away and leave behind two daughters that needed you? Did we mean so little to you?”
“No, it was actually the opposite.” I watched as our mother took in one deep, shuddering breath after another. “Being here was too hard.” Tears ran along her cheeks. “I messed up everything. I knew that
the moment I signed those divorce papers and your father turned around and left without looking back. Staying here in Brooklet and facing him every day was something I couldn’t take. Then seeing the two of you, seeing the disappointment I knew you felt every time you looked at me, only managed to break my heart over and over again.”
“So, in return, you decided it was easier to break our hearts.” Raven looked back at me, I think just as shocked by my outburst as I was. “A mother does not do that.” I stepped forward into a face-off with the woman who had the nerve to cry over something she caused. “A mother doesn’t disown her children because she made bad choices, she fixes them. She stands up, faces the wrongs, and makes them right. You walked away. We didn’t push you. And now you’re here, acting as if the past didn’t happen. Acting like we should just accept you back into our lives.”
“No.” She shook her head.
“Yes,” I challenged her, “you are, every day. You wake up in the morning, cook breakfast, kiss our father, curl up with him on the couch and watch movies. You tell me to have a good day each time I leave and ask me how things went when I get home. But not once have you ever given either of us a good enough reason as to why you left in the first place.” I could feel my own emotions taking over. “We needed you,” I screamed louder than I intended as my voice shook. “I needed you.” Raven reached out and took my hand in hers. “But I don’t anymore.”
I turned around and walked in the opposite direction from where Raven had parked. I felt like a ticking time bomb and didn’t know where this person inside came from. She was no longer rational, no longer understanding, she was just angry and bitter. I ignored my name being called out and I continued to walk before I began to jog. I needed to get as far away from it all as possible.
***
Where are you?
Call me now, I’m worried.
Answer your phone!
Those were just a few of the unanswered messages that had come through my phone. Raven, April, and even Rhett. I sat in a booth in the back of a small diner I’d been to a few times with friends. A nice, middle-aged woman had checked on me more times than I could count, refilling my Coke and offering to get me something to eat. But the idea of eating anything made me feel nauseated.
Each time my phone vibrated it only inflicted even more confusion within me. I wanted to let it go, I wanted to forget about the feelings I felt, but I just couldn’t.
“AJ?” I looked up to find Kori, Rhett’s mother, staring down at me with concern in her eyes. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”
I realized I must’ve looked a mess. Halfway through my walk to the diner, it had begun to rain, and my once styled hair lay loose and stringy around my face.
“I’m okay.” I tried to appear convincing, but much like her son, she saw right through me.
Kori slid into the booth opposite me and rested her elbows on the table. “I’ve seen okay, and I’ve seen troubled, so why don’t we try this again?” She stared back at me, giving off that motherly vibe I’d missed from my own mother. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Before I knew what I was doing, I was telling Rhett’s mother everything. I was talking about the fighting my parents used to do, all hours of the day and the night. I told her about the divorce and how she disappeared. I then moved into all the years without my mother being around and how I missed her. I told her of all the times I wished for her to be here so that I could talk to her and seek her guidance.
I cried through it all as I told her how my mom was now back, yet I couldn’t find the strength I needed to forgive her. I fell apart in front of Rhett’s mother, and no matter how hard I tried to hold myself together, it was impossible. She held my hand and offered me something my own mom couldn’t.
“You are a beautiful, bright, and kind woman, AJ.” She placed her hands over mine and gave me a reassuring squeeze. “I’m not defending her actions, or chastising you for yours, but just for a moment let’s understand that we all make wrong choices. Sometimes we can recover quickly, but other times those decisions spiral out of control in the blink of an eye, and we become lost. I’d like to believe that maybe that’s what happened with your mother, she just got lost. I’m not saying forget about everything that took place and move on, but give yourself time to heal. Give the both of you time to learn how to start over. Maybe one day, you can have that relationship again that you once had. Because I can see that you still love her, and after what she’s done, it did take an extreme amount of courage for her to come back and face everything she did wrong.”
“Thanks for listening.” I felt better, not great, but better.
“You’re very welcome.” Kori smiled back at me as she reached for her purse and began to slide from the booth.
“Can I ask a favor?” I had a newfound respect for this woman who took the time to console me when she honestly didn’t have to.
“Anything.”
“Can you give me a ride back to your house? Rhett’s been messaging me, and I think I’ve made him worry about me.” I suddenly felt horrible for that fact.
“He worries because he loves you.” I looked at her, surprised by her words. “Believe me, a mother knows when her son is head over heels, and I’ll tell you right now, he adores you.” My heart felt like it literally skipped a beat or two. “Let’s go ease his mind.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rhett
“Still no answer?” I looked up just as the man I’d always looked up to, stepped out of the door and onto the porch. He held out a beer toward me and I took it willingly.
“No,” I said, placing my phone onto the table beside me and twisting the cap off the bottle. “I talked to her sister, and she hasn’t heard from her either.”
Just then, the sound of tires popping against the gravel drive caught our attention. We both looked up to see my mother’s Tahoe coming up the lane. The sun was starting to set, which cast a glow across the windshield as it approached.
I knew my mother would do her best to offer some comfort, but honestly, the only thing that would soothe me would be AJ herself. I wanted to know she was okay; I needed to hear her voice or see her sweet face.
“Well, would you like at that,” my dad said in a low murmur, and again I found myself looking in the direction of the driveway. Immediately my ass was up off my chair and I was moving toward the one person I needed the most.
“Look who I found,” my mother offered, but all I saw at the moment was my girl.
I bent just enough to wrap my arms around her waist and lifted her up off the ground, her body held firmly to my own. “I should kick your ass for making me worry the way you did,” I told her, only holding her even tighter.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her arms holding me firmly in return. “I just needed a little time to think. Some time to myself.”
“You good now?” I asked, feeling my heart race in my chest.
“I’m good,” she assured me, “your mom and I talked.”
I lowered her to the ground and looked between my mother and the woman I loved. “Why don’t you and AJ join us for dinner,” my mother said with a smile. “Reed’s gonna grill some steaks, and I got cheesecake.”
I laughed when AJ’s eyes lit up at the mention of cheesecake. The woman was a crazed fanatic when it came to sweets. “Give us just a little bit?” My mother nodded as I linked my fingers through AJ’s and began leading her toward my place.
The moment we were alone, I turned her around and pulled her body to mine once more, cupping her cheeks in my hands. “I love you.” Her eyes widened just a fraction. “I know I can’t fully understand what’s going on with you and your mother, but I’m here. I need you to lean on me, because being without you, it’s not an option.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded.
I pressed my lips to hers in a soft, reassuring kiss and heard her mumble her own “I love you too” in return. I wanted AJ more than I’d wanted anything ever before in my life. Every day wi
th her was only better than the last, even if she was struggling with an internal battle, I wanted her by my side. She was my everything.
“Let’s go take a shower,” I mumbled against her lips, “then we’ll go share dinner with my family.” Again, she nodded. “I think you should stay with me for a while,” I offered, because I felt a little time away from the one thing that had her so worked up was needed. But I was doing it for selfish reasons too. I needed her close; I could feel myself relying on her a little more each day as she continued to consume my heart piece by piece.
***
“Are these yours?” I looked up from beneath the hood of my truck to find Terrance standing at the bottom of the stairs that led up to my apartment above. Hanging from the end of his finger was a lacy pair of panties I recognized immediately. “Because I must say, Rhett, I’m not sure pink is your color.”
I moved toward him so fast his eyes widened, and he tossed them in the air as he hurried away.
Of course, about the time I leaned over to pick up AJ’s lacy thong, she walked in and I hurried to stuff them into the pocket of my jeans. “What are you boys up to?” she asked as she walked toward me holding a couple of shopping bags in hand.
“Just changing the oil in the truck.” Leaning in, I pressed a kiss to her lips. “Need help carrying anything up?”
“Nope.” Her smile spreading wide over her lips made my heart race. “I got it. Gonna get something started for dinner. Are the guys sticking around?”
“No.” There was no way I was sharing her with the assholes who were just scoping out her fucking underwear. “I’ll be up before too long.” We shared another kiss and she hurried up the stairs just as I turned my attention back to the guys, each one of them staring after her, and I could always visualize the things rolling around in their minds.