by C. A. Harms
Fuck, I’d never felt so drained in my life.
“Is everything okay, Rhett?” The sound of my mother’s voice echoed across the yard.
“Yeah,” I hollered out, still holding AJ close, “it’s good, Ma.”
I felt AJ once again tug against me, but I wasn’t quite ready to let go of her. Part of me was terrified that the moment I did, she’d walk away.
“Please don’t go,” I whispered.
“I think I need to.” I felt like my heart was fucking breaking. “I just need some space.”
“Why?” I squeezed her tighter to me and buried my face in her hair, breathing her in. “Whatever you need, you can have it here. I’ll leave, or I’ll sleep on the couch, but please stay.”
“I can’t.” She looked up at me. “I need you to know.”
“Know?”
“That it’s really me that you want.” I throw my hands in the air in frustration and immediately recognized my mistake as she stepped back. “You say now that it is, but it was easy for you to make that choice when she was thousands of miles away. Now she’s here, and I know that if I give in now and accept that it’s me you want, I’ll be left to always wonder.”
I felt like there was something she wasn’t telling me.
“I love you, Rhett,” she whispered as she stepped back, and I stepped forward to keep her from getting too far away.
“Why do I feel like this is you telling me goodbye?”
“I’m just saying good night.” Though she offered me a smile, I knew it was forced. I’d been given her smile so many times, I knew the difference between genuine and fake.
AJ began to turn, and on instinct I reached out and grabbed for her, only managing to make contact with the bag that hung on her shoulder. It slid down her arm and she tried to stop it, but before she could, part of the contents spilled to the garage floor.
She scrambled to gather everything she could, her hands shaking in the process. I had that frozen-in-time experience as I stared ahead at one item in particular. A long, narrow box opened on one end, tucked just beneath the front tire of my truck. I was so lost in that moment that I didn’t even attempt to stop her when she hurried away. It was the sound of her car starting and her headlights shining through the opened door that brought me out of the haze.
I took off toward her car as she backed out of the space and turned toward the driveway. Shifting to drive, she hit the gas and was gone before I could say or do anything.
I couldn’t say how much time had passed as I stood there staring off into the distance in the direction AJ had driven. I just knew that when she drove off I felt like she took my heart with her. I felt lost, for more reasons than her absence alone.
It was the feeling of a strong grip on my shoulder that made me turn around. I looked up to find my father standing just behind me. He wore his jeans, boots, and a dirty shirt from a long day of work. He stared back at me with what I would explain as confusion and concern wrapped up as one. “You okay?”
Instead of answering him with words, I simply shook my head and began walking back toward the garage with one thing in mind.
“Was that AJ that left in a hurry?” I could hear Dad’s questions, yet I didn’t offer him an explanation. I rounded the side of my truck and knelt down to grab the box I’d seen there only moments ago.
Tipping it up, I found the box was empty, but the words on the outside jumped out almost as if they were neon lights in the dark night.
e.p.t. Digital Early Pregnancy Test.
I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me as I crumpled to the ground holding the empty box in my hand.
“It’ll be okay,” my father assured me as he helped me from the ground and led me toward the stairs to my apartment, but I stopped him and sat on the last step, still holding the box.
“I just need a minute.” I knew I needed a lot more than that, but for now, it was where I needed to start.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
AJ
I sat in my car outside Raven’s apartment. I’d driven straight to her only to find that her shift at the hospital had not yet ended. I lowered my seat back and curled onto my side, allowing the tears to fall.
I held my phone in my hand, staring ahead at the last message Rhett had sent.
Rhett: Was the test positive?
I closed my eyes tightly as regret hit me for even leaving him. I should have stayed. I should have talked to him and worked this out, but I was so scared of hearing things I’d feared the most. The idea of him telling me that he still loved her, and that love outweighed what he felt for me, was a nagging terror that fought against my better judgement.
“I need to know that it’s me you want,” I whispered in the darkness, my eyes still closed tightly. “And not just because you’re gonna be a daddy.” My lower lip trembled, my body shaking from the sobs that ripped through me.
My phone rang in my hands and my body jerked in surprise as I looked down to see Raven’s number across the screen. “Hello.”
“Where are you?” She was talking low, and I assumed it was because she was still at work and was not cleared to make personal phone calls.
“I’m sitting outside your place. It’s fine, really, I’ll wait.”
“You are not sitting in your car until after seven in the morning.” There was no point in arguing with Raven; I’d never win. “Maddison is on her way over so that you can follow her back to her place for the night.”
“I’ll just go back to Dad’s,” I start to tell her, and she overtook me. “You’re gonna go with Maddison, because there is something going on, otherwise you wouldn’t have driven over without calling first. I’ll be there in the morning.”
I found myself nodding in agreement.
“Everything’ll be okay,” my big sister assured me. It was what she did, what she’d always done. From the moment our mother left, she’d taken on the motherly role. She was the one person I knew, no matter what, I could rely on. She was more than my sister; she was my best friend.
“I know,” I say in return, even though I still wasn’t sure.
“I love you, AJ.” I closed my eyes tighter as I tried not to fall apart. “I love you too,” I was finally able to say after a few short calming breaths. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
We ended our call, and I knew leaving Rhett hanging was wrong, but I didn’t want his decision to be led by the fact that we’d created a life together. It was part of the reason why I didn’t tell him when he came home. Initially, I had planned to share the news over dinner, but that all changed when his sister shared what she’d thought I’d already known.
Me: We’ll talk tomorrow. I’m staying with my sister tonight, I’ll call you in the morning.
I didn’t want him to worry.
When he never responded, I tucked my phone away and waited for Maddison to show up. Headlights appeared at the end of the road and my stomach flipped, making me feel nauseated. When she pulled up at my side, her hair all piled on top of her head, she motioned for me to roll down my window.
“Just tell me this.” She arched her brow, giving off the serious vibe. “Do I need to drive to Brooklet and beat Rhett’s ass?”
I smiled for the first time since I talked to Grace. “I’m not sure yet if it's me or him that needs the ass kicking.” Instead of her asking anything more, she told me to follow her and backed out of the driveway.
***
Maddison’s apartment was more like one large room with everything in it. The living room, kitchen, and bedroom were in clear view. The only thing that was separated and private was the bathroom itself.
“It’s small, but it works,” she offered with a shrug as she tossed her keys onto the countertop that served as a table with two barstools on one side. I watched as she pulled out two glasses and placed them on the counter before grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge.
I didn’t know how to decline without actually revealing the truth, so I just went for it. “Can I hav
e just water please?”
As expected, I got that confused, “are you crazy” look. “From the looks of you, and the fact that you’ve shown up late at night without notice, I think you need to relax a bit. It’s wine or whiskey. Pick your poison, because the last thing you need is water.”
“I can’t drink alcohol.”
“Since when? It’s not like you’re gonna be driving, and believe me, alcohol will make you feel better, at least for tonight anyway.” She started to pour the wine in both glasses.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out and instantly noticed the way her hand froze mid-air, with the bottle of wine extended, ready to add more to the first glass. I also picked up on the way her eyes had widened and her mouth now lay slack. “No one knows yet.”
“Does Rhett?” She finally lowered the bottle to the counter at her side and lifted the first glass with the smallest amount of wine and downed it.
“He knows that I took a test, but he doesn’t know the results yet.”
“Why?” she asked as she lowered the first glass and picked up the next, sipping this one slower.
“I just took the test today, and I planned to tell him what it said, but then the night sort of went in a completely different direction.” When she didn’t ask, just watched me with a curious stare, I continued, “Harley’s back in Brooklet.”
“What?” Her nostrils flared. “Are you telling me that he actually went to her?”
“I’m not sure exactly what took place.” I wasn’t lying, the problem was I let my fears get the best of me. “She showed up yesterday and I guess they talked at Gran’s house. But he never told me she was here, or that they talked.”
“Then how do you know it’s true?”
“Grace told me.” Maddison leaned back against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest. “She thought he’d already told me. Then I found a large envelope in his drawer filled with pictures and letters, cards even, that she’s been sending him over the last seven months or more.”
“He kept them?” I nodded, and she narrowed her eyes.
“So it’s not stupid that the idea of that bothers me?”
“Hell no.” Maddison uncrossed her arms and took a step forward. “I would’ve been upset about that too.”
“This whole thing, it’s just confusing,” I confessed. “I think I just needed to get away so that I could clear my head.”
“I think that was a good idea.” I watched as she opened her fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, handing it to me. “Does he know where you are?”
“I told him I was going to Raven’s.”
She nodded as she lifted her wine glass once more. “Okay, well let’s get you settled. I think you need a night’s rest, because I have a feeling that tomorrow will most likely be just as emotionally draining. I can vouch for the fact that Rhett doesn’t give up easily. If I know him like I think I do, keeping him away isn’t gonna be easy.”
Just about then my phone chirped inside my bag with a notification of a new text message. My heart raced as I pulled it out and read the screen.
Rhett: I’ll give you tonight, but all bets are off tomorrow. You are mine AJ, and I’m yours. There is no fucking way I’m walking away from us.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rhett
“She’s here.” I held the phone to my ear and listened to Maddison’s hushed whispers. “Raven’s on the night shift, and I just wanted you to know she’s here at my place and she’s safe.”
I stood in front of our window as I stared out at the lake in the distance. It would always be ours, no matter what, because AJ and I had shared so much over the last seven months in this very space. Hell, it was she who made this space mean so much to me because she loved it so much.
“I don’t want Harley,” I confessed, feeling that familiar burn return in my chest. “I know a part of me will always love her, but only because she was my first love, my first of a lot of things. I used to think that what I felt for her was it, it was that big epic love that I’ve seen with my dad and my mom, hell, with Gavin and Maria and even your mom and Uncle Colt.”
Maddison didn’t say anything in return, only listened.
“I still remember that day in the shop when you told me that if I wasn’t sure about AJ I should just walk away. I’ll admit that at that moment I considered it, because I didn’t know. But then I thought what would one date hurt?” I chuckled as I thought about what that one date had done to me. “That one night with AJ changed everything, Mad. She knocked me on my damned ass. Every time that girl smiles, I feel lost in my own fucking happiness. It was that night that made me realize Harley wasn’t that one epic love. She was the girl who showed me how to love, but she wasn’t my everything. AJ is all I want.”
“I know,” she finally responded, and hearing her accept what I had to say without trying to convince me otherwise was exactly what I needed. “Just give her tonight, and then tomorrow you tell her all the things you just told me, and you fight for what you want. Don’t give her the opportunity to deny what you feel. Make her understand, force her to see it.”
“Did she tell you about the other thing?” The not knowing was eating me up. “About the test?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“That’s between you two.” I understood what she was saying, but it didn’t change the fact that I was hoping she’d tell me the results. “Try to get some sleep, okay.”
“’Kay.” I knew I wouldn’t; my mind was racing off in too many different directions. “Thanks for calling, Mad.”
“We’re family, Rhett, and though I love AJ, I love you too. I needed you to know she was here and that I’d watch over her. Until she’s back with you where she belongs, I’ll be here for her.”
“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?” I smiled when she laughed.
“All you boys think I’m the greatest,” she said, and I could almost visualize her smile. “But it’s nice to hear it laid out too.”
“Goodnight, Maddison.”
“’Night, Rhett,” she said in return.
I hung up the phone and grabbed the bag off the counter that held all the things I should have thrown out long ago. I walked downstairs and to the wood-burning stove in the corner, lighting the paper wadded in the bottom. Pulling up a chair, I watched the flame ignite and slowly begin to burn.
“What are you doing?” Grace asked as she stepped up to my side, only I didn’t look away from the flame.
“Just got a few things to burn.”
“I’m so sorry.” It was then that I looked up to find her eyes reddened with signs that she’d been crying. “I didn’t know that she didn’t know. I never would’ve said anything if I’d known. I just wanted her to hear from someone else that was on the outside looking in that you loved her.”
“Hey.” I reached out and tugged her closer, forcing her to sit on the chair at my side. “This isn’t your fault, Grace. I should’ve told her that first night, so this all lies on me. Plus, I’m the one that held onto all this shit when I should have just gotten rid of it.”
“Why did you keep all the stuff she’s been sending?”
I weighed over her question, asking myself all the things I should. And then I was truthful with my answer because I knew my sister would understand. She was young, but the girl was smart, the least dramatic girl I’d ever been around. “It wasn’t ever because I was pining after the girl that left. It was never me trying to hold on to my love for her. Part of me will always have a special spot for Harley because we shared so much. But that time is over. That part of my life ended when she moved away. What I feel for AJ, it outweighs everything I ever thought I’d felt for Harley.”
“But that doesn’t explain why you kept all this stuff.” She reached out and pointed toward the bag in my hand.
“I can’t honestly pinpoint a specific reason as to why I kept them. At first, I think it was because I felt bad for throwing them out. Because that part of my life did exist, Gr
ace. Harley and I were together. We shared those memories, we were an us. So, I just tucked them away in my drawer, and each time something new came, I just added to the envelope. I never went back to look through them or fantasized about my life being how it was back then. I forgot this shit was even there because AJ helped me forget. She managed to take every memory I’ve held, every moment I shared with Harley, and erase it without even trying. Being with AJ has been the best part of my life. Everything about her is amazing, and now I’m scared shitless that I’ve lost her.”
I gripped the bag in my hand, and without a second thought I leaned in and tossed the entire contents into the awaiting fire.
“I don’t wanna live in the past. I wanna build a future with AJ.”
“Then make sure she sees that.”
“I don’t know how,” I confessed as I watched the fire slowly burn through the plastic bag, catching on to the papers inside.
“I don’t believe that,” Grace said as she leaned back in the chair at my side and crossed her arms over her chest. “I know that I give you a hard time a lot and that I pretend you annoy me, but that’s my job. I’m the annoying little sister that was placed on this earth to give you headaches.” I smile, shaking my head and looking back to the fire. “You’re a great guy, Rhett. You’re not the kind that plays with a girl’s emotions. I’ve seen firsthand the way you are with AJ, how careful you are with her no matter what’s going on. You’re so meticulous with everything, making sure that the apartment was exactly how she envisioned it, even though you’re the one living there. Or how I’ve caught you watching her when you don’t think anyone is looking, almost like you’re lost in some kind of trance that only she seems to release.”
I closed my eyes, feeling raw from the way Grace seemed to pick up on all these little gestures.
“We’ve grown up watching Dad with Mom, how he treats her like she’s so delicate, though we know she can be a handful at times. He’s so careful with everything he does, like she hung his moon.”