by Sadie Rose
"Hi Ava." She smiles brightly at me. I don’t like Dr. Avery, but I have to admit she's a pretty woman. She has thick black hair and smoky grey eyes. Her skin is dark golden brown. She looks foreign but I’m not sure what nationality she is. She looks like she could be a mixture of different cultures. Maybe Asian and African American? Or Indian and something else. She doesn't have any accent at all to give me a clue. She's very exotic and beautiful. I always thought she was too beautiful to be a doctor. I smile halfheartedly at her.
"I talked to Dr. Brinkley and I've spoken to your mom several times since our last visit." I see Dr. Avery once a month. Dr. Brinkley comes every week.
"She told me that you have started communicating to her and other family members through text. That’s a big breakthrough for you! I'm very happy for you and your family that you have managed to do that." She continues.
"Was it scary for you?" I don't answer her. I very rarely answer my doctors. I just stare at her. Part of me knows I'm being rude and maybe even the brat that Mason teases me about sometimes. But I don't like them, and I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to be here.
"You know Ava, your therapy would go so much better if you could participate more. Your mother has been telling me for months how you are coming out of your shell, but I haven't seen much of that progress in our sessions and I'm wondering why? While it is very natural that you would feel more comfortable opening up to you family members first, I had hoped that over time you would begin to open up to me and Dr. Brinkley as well." I continue to ignore her, so she continues.
"At first when your mother told me that you had begun to respond to her through nodding or shaking your head or even just body language and facial expressions, I thought it was only a matter of time before I saw those same behaviors here in our sessions. Now you have moved on even more to writing and texting. And that’s great, I'm very pleased that we are finally seeing improvements. However, it's very rare that you even make eye contact with me and rarer still that you take an active participation in our conversations even through body language. I have to begin to ask myself, and you, if maybe you and I have gone as far as we can as doctor and patient" That got my attention and I look at her closely.
"You know I was one of the first doctors to examine you when you came home. Do you remember that? That was nearly 5 years ago. You have changed so much in that time. Ava, you have made so much progress and I'm very proud of you. However, now I'm wondering if maybe we have come as far as we can go? Maybe a new doctor would be better for you? Do you have any thoughts on that?" I chew on my lip. Do I want a new Doctor? I know Dr. Avery and I wouldn't know a new doctor. I don't like the idea of a new doctor. She continues.
"I've spoken to Dr. Brinkley as well and he says he has had the same results. That while he has received reports that your communication with your family is improving greatly, you are still almost totally unresponsive to him as well. It is our opinion that perhaps it would be in your best interest that we recommend another doctor for you. Perhaps instead of seeing the two of us you would just see one new doctor. What do you think? Is that something you might want to try?" Dr. Avery stops and looks at me closely. I think about it, I don't like Dr. Avery or Dr. Brinkley because they want me to talk about things that I want to forget about. But I know another doctor would do that too. At least I know them. I wouldn't know a new doctor. I have known Dr. Brinkley for a little over three years and Dr. Avery for almost five, like she said. I slowly shake my head no. She continues in a firm voice.
"Then you need to seriously start thinking about our sessions Ava. Mine and yours as well as yours and Dr. Brinkley's. Because if we can't help you moving forward, we need to find you a doctor who can. Do you understand that?" Her voice is still very kind and gentle but it's firm too. I give a slight nod.
"Excellent. I know that your mother told you that you do not have to communicate with me through texting or writing and you absolutely don't. However, if you would like me to remain as your doctor, I would like for you to try, can you do that?" I give her the briefest, tiniest nod.
"Good girl" She smiles at me.
"I brought you a phone, my number is already loaded into the contacts. You understand how to use a phone right?" Another tiny nod.
"Great. I'm just going to show you the basics of this phone, which by the way you are free to keep. Your mother bought it at my suggestion so you can use it for our sessions, your teachers as well as any friends or family members you may wish to text. I think it will be easier for you to text your answers directly to me rather than me trying to read over your shoulder." She sits back down after showing me how to work the phone.
"Let’s get started, then shall we? What is the biggest thing holding you back from having a desire to communicate with me?" I don’t like that she asks such a complicated question right away.
I think you will try to make me talk about things that I don’t want to talk about.
"What don’t you want to talk about?"
My time away.
"Ok I'll make you a deal, how about if I promise I won't ask anything about your time away today? Would that help?" Relief washes over me, through me, in me. I'm surprised that she's willing to let me off the hook that easily. I think she can tell that I like that suggestion because she smiles wider.
Yes, that would help.
"You’re obviously happy that I won't ask you about your time away, why did you think that was what I would immediately want to talk about? I have to think about this question. Part of me is trying to figure out what she wants me to say and part of me is trying to figure out what I honestly think the answer is. I don't know what she wants me to say so I tell her the truth.
When I first came home everyone wanted to talk about that a lot.
"Ok I can see that you probably had a lot of people asking questions, detectives, doctors even family, friends and to some extent the media. I understand how you would feel like that's all anyone wanted to talk about." I'm not sure what to say so I just type out.
Yes.
"What would you like to talk about then? What feels safe to you?" she asks me.
Do you think I'll ever really get better? Be normal?
"Do you think you aren't 'normal' now? What is “normal"? Obviously, you can get better. You are already better, but what do you mean by "normal?" She makes little quotation marks with her hands every time she says the word normal, which I find a little bit annoying.
Be like everyone else. Learn to drive? Go to school? Stop being afraid, stop having nightmares.
"Are those things you want to do? Learn to drive? Go to school?" she asks.
Of course, I want that.
"Then yes, I absolutely think you can get to that point. The more effort you put into your recovery the better your chances are of being able to do anything you want to do Ava. You are such a strong girl. You have survived and overcome so much; I have no doubt that you can do anything you put your mind to. I'm not going to talk much about nightmares or your fears today we will save that for another day or maybe let Dr. Brinkley take that up with you. Today I just want us to focus on YOU and what YOU want. I'd like you to see me and Dr. Brinkley as your partners, we are your allies in your journey to recovery. Do you think you could try thinking like that?"
Yes ok. I'll try.
I tell her but inside I'm a little doubtful. To be honest I've thought of them as the enemy for so long I'm not sure I can change my thinking but, if it means getting better faster, I'm willing to try. Our session didn't last much longer after that. We had barely finished up when Dr. Brinkley came in. Instead of Dr. Avery leaving and me picking up with Dr. Brinkley which is how we usually do when I see them both on the same days, she asks Dr. Brinkley to join us. The three of us basically go over what Dr. Avery and I had talked about. My session with Dr. Brinkley and Dr. Avery together only lasted another thirty minutes or so. It ends with Dr. Brinkley laying out some things he would like to cover in our future sessions. Thankfully my time away
wasn't mentioned at all. He says he would like to focus on my communication skills, my goals, and how things are going in my education and within my family unit. I'm relieved. Those all feel like easy things compared to what I thought they would want to talk about.
"We are both really pleased with your progress lately Ava, especially your progress today." Dr. Avery says as she gathers up her things to leave.
"I'll be back next week Ava" Dr. Brinkley says gathering his stuff up as well. "I'd like for you to have a list of goals for yourself ready to show me when I return. Try to come up with at least five goals. You can list more if you want but I'd like at least five ok?" I nod my head as they both leave.
I'm physically wore out after that session. I feel drained emotionally and mentally. I head upstairs to the security of my room and wait for Mason there.
Chapter 31
Mason
Since the day Ava let me into her room, we have hung out there a few times, but we still spend most of our time downstairs in my room. Usually, Ava texts me all throughout the day while I'm at school but I've barely heard from her today. I know she had her doctors coming and that she has been dreading their visit so I hadn't expected to hear from her as much as I usually would. Still, I'm anxious to hear how everything went. I hurry out the door as soon as the bells ring and head home. The last message I received from Ava today was simply saying she would wait for me in her room. I don't know if that means the sessions went well or went bad. Or if I'm overthinking it and she just feels like hanging out in her room today.
When I get home, I go right up to Ava's room. I thought about stopping by my room and changing my clothes and dropping my books off but I'm anxious to get up to Ava's room. I figure fuck it. I'll check on her first and make sure her day went ok and go change later. I knock on her door, but she doesn't answer and I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just go in? Or send a text? Wait? I knock again, louder. Still, no answer I open the door and go looking for her.
"Hey, Ava are you in here?" I say as I open the door. There's no answer. I don't see her in the sitting room, so I head to her playroom. She's not there either. I walk into her bedroom and immediately see her curled up on her bed. She looks freaking adorable sleeping. I haven't seen her asleep too often. I walk closer and see that she's curled up on her side with a stuffed rabbit tucked in her arms. Her cat in laying all tangled up in her hair. I kinda envy the little fucker. She has her thumb tucked into her mouth which surprises me. I've never seen her suck her thumb before. It doesn't actually bother me like I would have thought it would. It's even cute in a way. For some reason, I get the feeling the doctor visit didn't go very well. Or maybe she always sleeps like this? I'm not sure. I've never seen the stuffed animal on her bed before either. While I haven't seen Ava asleep often, we have both been known to doze off in the middle of a movie and she's never sucked her thumb before. I decide this must be another coping mechanism and shrug it off. But now I'm not sure if I should wake her up or leave? Would she be embarrassed for me to see her this way? Fuck it, as far as I'm concerned, the more she gets used to me and realizes that she's safe with me and that I’m not gonna judge her or criticize her the better it is for my quest to win her heart and make her mine.
I crouch down by the bed in front of her and reach out my hand to gently stroke her hair
"Ava. Avaaaa." I singsong softly "Wake up. I'm home" her eyes flutter a few times before they fly open and she yanks her thumb from her mouth. She grins up at me. She doesn't seem embarrassed, so I don't know if she doesn't care that I saw her sucking her thumb or she doesn't realize it. She rubs her eyes and goes to sit up, but the kitty is all tangled up she laughs as she gently removes it. I reach over and help her and when the kitten is free, I carry it to the bathroom and set it on its papers. The thing is still so fucking small I'm not sure it could get off the bed if it wanted to. When I come back Ava is sitting cross-legged in the middle of her bed. I walk over and sit beside her.
"How was your day?" I ask. "How'd it go with your doctors?" she pulls out an iPhone with a shiny pink case. "Where did you get that? Your mom?"
My doctor. Dr. Avery gave it to me. She said she convinced mom to buy it for me for my sessions. It was ok with the doctors. I was sure I wouldn't talk to them but then Dr. Avery was like she didn't think there was any point of her and Dr. Brinkley staying my doctors if I didn't feel like I could talk to them and maybe I should think about getting a new doctor.
I kinda don't like the way that sounds. It sounds like the doctor strong-armed Ava. What she said is also kinda true, still I don't like the idea of Ava's doctors bullying her. I don't say anything though and Ava continues.
At first, I just didn't want a new doctor but after I started talking to her, I guess I saw her point.
Ava tells me about the session. What they talked about and then about her session with Dr. Brinkley. She doesn't seem like she felt bullied or manipulated, in fact as she talks, I start thinking her doctors sound pretty good.
"I think they are right though, don't you? I mean about how much it'll help you to be able to talk to them and I also think it's pretty smart to start where they suggest, making goals, figuring out what you want. That makes sense, don't you think?" I ask Ava.
Ya. I do agree that it's a good plan. At first, when they left, I felt like they were trying to trick me. You know, make me feel safe then try to make me talk about things I don't want to. Then I started thinking maybe they want me to see how much I have to gain by getting better, so I'll try harder to do things that are difficult for me and that's a not bad thing, right?
I knew Ava was smart, but she just proves how smart she is over and over. "I think you're exactly right" I smile at her.
It was exhausting though, Mason. I'm not sure why but when they left, I was just so tired. We just sat there and talked but I don't know I just felt like emotional and tired, so I came up here to talk a nap.
"Ya, I get that. How do you feel now?" I ask her. She seems to think a while before she shakes her head.
I don't know. Like I need a break, I guess? I don't know how to explain it.
I can tell she's getting frustrated. "I think I get it, Ava. You just want to be up here in your safe place and unwind and not be worried or scared or have to think about stuff too much" she looks relieved and gives a little laugh.
Ya. Like that exactly.
"Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?" She's shaking her head no before I even finish my sentence. I laugh. "Ok how about I go change and we can just chill up here until dinner?" She nods her head. "Ok let me get kitty for you." I go get her cat and hand it over to Ava before heading downstairs to change.
When I get back, I ask if she wants to watch a movie, she still looks really tired. She shakes her head no. "How about I turn on some music and you can rest while I work on some homework?"
Do you mind?
"Nope, I have plenty to do" I roll my eyes. She laughs and stretches out beside me on the bed. I watch but her thumb doesn't go back into her mouth so figure I was right it was just a coping mechanism. She's asleep in minutes.
Chapter 32
Ava
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on Mason's bed; we are playing Xbox. Erica and Anson were up here earlier but they left. I toss my handle down and pick up my iPad.
Does it seem like Anson and Erica were being weird tonight?
"Mmmmm.... do you think they were being weird?" Mason answers.
Ya, kinda don't you think so?
"Ya, I do."
What do you think is going on?
"You really want to know what I think?" he tosses his handle aside and sits up too.
Ya, of course, I want to know.
"I think they are messing around" he laughs.
What do you mean messing around?
"Like making out, maybe having sex" Mason answers.
What???!!! No way!! There's no way!
I think Mason is tricking me, he's always teasing me. I peer at him ske
ptically.
Are you teasing? How do you know that?
Still laughing, he answers "I'm not teasing you and I don't know that they are. I just think they are"
But they barely LIKE each other! No way!
Mason shrugs "Maybe I'm wrong" then he grins at me "But I'm not."
So, Anson's Erica's boyfriend?
"No, not necessarily. They might just be fooling around."
I don't get it, what do you mean? What's the difference?
Mason looks sort of embarrassed or something. "I don't know what to say cuz I don't know how much you know about this kind of thing." He rakes his hand through his hair.
I don't really know anything.
"I don't know how much I should tell you."
Mason! I'm not eight! I'm fifteen! Tell me everything!
I glare at him and he laughs. "Fine do you know what sex is?" he asks. He doesn't look embarrassed anymore, he seems to think this is funny.
Are you laughing at me?
I glare at him even harder. He immediately stops laughing and grabs my hand. "I'd never, ever laugh at you Ava." He says completely seriously. "But I've never had to explain sex before and the idea of trying to do that is a little awkward. Part of me thinks I should just tell you to ask your mom or to google it or something" I look at him for a few more minutes. Ok, I can see how a girl my age asking about sex would seem strange.
I sort of know what sex is. I don't know exactly what happens though. Just tell me the truth, It's no big deal.
"Ok fine" He grins. I'm just gonna say it blunt Ok?" I nod. "You know what a cock is, right? A penis?" I nod at him.
Ya, of course.
"And the girls' part I guess you call it a vagina, but of course there are lots of other words for it. This isn't awkward for you?" he asks laughing. I laugh too.
No, should it be?
"No, I guess not, any way sex is when a guy puts his cock in a girls' vagina. That's intercourse, to put it bluntly." We are both laughing pretty hard now.