by Eden Finley
15
Foster
Walking out of Zach’s room is possibly the hardest thing in the entire world. No, wait, that’s my dick. My dick is the hardest thing in the entire world.
Zach doesn’t know how sexy he is, and for some reason that turns me on even more. The noises he makes are involuntary. They’re genuine. I can tell because he tries to hold them back.
I want more.
A lot more.
But I know his financial situation isn’t great. He needs his TA job.
Considering I know and understand the fundamentals better than the actual TA, our relationship shouldn’t theoretically affect anything to do with the class, but I get how hooking up with Zach could be seen as possible nepotism. People will question my grade and how I got it.
There has to be a way around it.
I don’t think I can do the rest of the semester with blue balls. Contrary to popular belief on this campus, I don’t fuck around when I’m interested in someone. Going to some party and meeting someone to get off with has absolutely no appeal to me right now.
There’s only one person I want under me.
All I have to do is think of Zach, his pale skin flushed, his eyes fused shut, and I’m aching.
When I get home, I pretty much jerk off until I pass out. Each time it’s only enough to take the edge off.
I’m still simmering with need for Zach.
Which is why the next morning, on a Sunday of all days, I’m up at stupid o’clock to go for a run and workout. If I can’t get rid of my sexual frustration with sex, I’m gonna run my ass so tired I won’t even have the energy to jerk off.
Not surprising, even though it’s our day off, when I run to the team gym, a few guys are milling about.
As soon as I walk in, the reps stop. They all stare at me. The room is silent.
My gaze finds Jacobs’s scowling face.
“Aren’t I being punished enough already?”
Jacobs folds his arms. “Are you even going to apologize?”
He steps toward me. For a minute, I think he might take a swing, but I don’t back down.
“He was hassling Zach, okay? The reason Zach even goes to this school now is because of what that asshole did to him.”
Jacobs falters. “Because he’s gay?”
“Zach and my brother won’t tell me the full story. All I know is Morris deserved it, and I’m not sorry. Am I sorry we lost? Fuck yes. Am I sorry I messed with the team’s psyche? Of fucking course. But I’m not the only player out on that ice, and I’m not sorry for standing up for something and someone I believe in.”
The room is still silent.
“I’ll apologize to everyone at practice again tomorrow, and if you need to ice me out, then fine. If you want me to step down as captain, I’ll do it.”
Jacobs rolls his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. You’re still our captain. Everyone’s just pissed you went rogue.”
“You should’ve told us,” Beck says. “Maybe we all could’ve taken a shot and then gotten on with the game.”
I grin. “I’m not worried about our game.”
“But the curse!” Cohen says.
“Fuck the curse. We got this.”
Now if only I could make myself believe it with the same confidence.
After I work out, I’m still nowhere near exhausted or satisfied, so I run back to my dorm, shower, change, and then head for the library. I need to find a student handbook or school bylaws that will tell me it’s okay to fuck my TA.
But first, a detour to the dining hall for breakfast. And coffee.
If I have to actually read something today, I’m gonna need caffeine so I can focus and keep my thoughts from drifting to a certain nerdy—
As if thinking about Zach for the millionth time in twelve hours causes him to appear, I spot him ahead of me in line for food.
I can’t help smiling.
He’s in sweats, an old T-shirt, and his black hair is sticking up at weird angles like he just got out of bed.
I wonder if he did.
I wonder if he spent most of the night unable to sleep because of an uncomfortable ache between his legs like me.
Normally, I don’t use my status at this school to cut lines, but I’m a desperate man.
Zach’s staring off into the distance, and at first I think he’s zoned out, but as I get closer, I realize he’s focused on a couple at a table by the windows. He’s probably psychoanalyzing them and their relationship based on their body language.
I approach the guy behind Zach and point in front of him in question.
He lets me in. I mouth a thanks.
Zach’s so out of it, he hasn’t acknowledged my presence yet.
I move closer so I’m right near his ear. “You look tired. Long, lonely night?”
He jumps about a foot in the air. “Fucking hell!”
I burst out laughing. “Good morning to you too.”
“What are you doing? How long have you been there?” His gaze darts around the room, and his face tinges that beautiful pink, probably because his outburst caught some people’s attention.
“You were kinda out of it.”
“Your fault,” he mutters.
I smile. “Good. At least I know I’m not the only one who suffered last night. You got plans for today?”
“I do.”
I gasp. “Without me?”
“I … I’m hanging out with Ray. She messaged me, and—”
I chuckle. “You’re allowed to make friends, Zach. Seth would be so proud.”
“You’re teasing again.”
I pinch my thumb and forefinger together. “Little bit.”
We reach the front of the line, and all Zach grabs is a muffin.
“That’s it? That’s not a substantial breakfast.”
“Okay, Mom. Us non-athletic people don’t need much food. I also need to run. Metaphorically, that is. Not … literally. Please don’t ever ask me to go running.”
I snort. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Anyway, I have to go. I’m late to meet Ray.”
“Have fun.”
“You too.”
I stack my plates high, my stomach rumbling after my workout this morning, but as soon as I’ve shoveled it all into my mouth, I’m out the door again.
I’m on a mission.
In the three years I’ve been at this school, I can honestly say I’ve been to the library maybe twice.
Most of the course material is online, so there’s been no need.
I don’t even know where to find what I’m looking for.
And who knew libraries were so … big.
I would ask for help, but I don’t really want to put it out there that I’m trying to find a way to have sex with my TA and not get in trouble.
When I finally find what I’m looking for, I almost want to run to Zach’s place right then and there. Then I remember he’s busy today. Damn it.
While TAs and students aren’t really supposed to date or have sex, a TA can alert a professor of a conflict of interest. This goes for if there’s a family member in the class or someone they’re seeing. It’s at the professor’s discretion what happens.
Yay loopholes!
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and my mind immediately thinks it’s Zach, like our dicks have synced and can sense when the other one is needy.
When I see Mom’s name on the screen, my erection dies a horrible death. Eww, eww, eww.
She is not allowed to interrupt thoughts about Zach ever, ever again.
I almost don’t want to answer it. She and Dad are probably wondering what happened at the game last night.
Dad’s no doubt pissed.
I hit answer because I know my mother, and she’ll keep calling if I don’t. And then if I don’t answer or call her back after a few hours, she’ll likely call every hospital in the area.
“Hey, Mom. I can’t talk right now. I’m at the library,” I whisper into the phone.
> There’s silence.
“Mom?”
“Sorry, had to check I called the right son because no way would Foster Grant be in a library on a Sunday morning.”
“Ha-ha.”
“Cough twice if you’ve been kidnapped and you’re under duress.”
Oh boy. “Hang on. I’ll go to the section where I’m allowed to talk.”
I make my way down a level where there are tables and chairs. I know it’s there because one of the two times I’ve actually been here was for a group assignment last year.
I duck behind some bookshelves. “Okay, I can talk now.”
“Sweetie, are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Why?”
“Seth told us you got a one game suspension for what you did on the ice last night.”
“Is … is Dad mad?”
Mom hums. “He might have had a few things to say about it being a good way to throw your career away when we were on our way home.”
“It’s one official game I’ll miss out on.”
“One game where scouts and agents will be.”
I narrow my eyes. “Is Dad there telling you exactly what to say?”
Dad comes on the line. “What happened out there?”
Thought so. “Hockey players fight.”
“You don’t. Not like last night.”
I bite my bottom lip. I want to tell them about me. About what I did for Zach and why. But any time I’ve tried to tell them I’m bi, the words get jumbled in my head and refuse to come out of my mouth.
I honestly don’t know how they’ll take it.
Dad said some things to me when Seth and Zach became friends, asking if I thought anything was going on between them. And while I think his heart was in the right place, he said something I’ll never forget.
“Sometimes I wonder about your brother. He’s not … like you. Not into sports. Doesn’t really have girlfriends.”
I’d grunted and done the typical teenager thing where I didn’t answer.
I’ve relived that moment so many times in my head, and every time I stand up for myself instead of running away.
Every time I picture myself saying, “Well, one, liking sports doesn’t automatically make someone straight, and two, if you’d paid any attention to Seth at all, you’d realize he doesn’t date around because he’s a serial monogamist. Unlike me. Who dates anyone with a pulse. Of any gender.”
“Foster?” Dad’s deep voice makes me flinch.
“That guy is an asshole, and I lost my head. It won’t happen again. I’ve already been reamed by the coaches and my teammates. I don’t need it from you too.”
“There are assholes on every team. Just remember to hit them where it hurts.”
“In the net. Got it, Dad.”
They let it go, and we end the call.
My excitement over finding out there is a chance I could be with Zach is overshadowed by the guilt of letting yet another opportunity to say something to my parents pass me by.
I’m about to take off, when I overhear a conversation that makes me pause.
“Come on, baby unicorn. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
“Really? Still going with the baby unicorn thing?” Through the stacks, I can see the T-shirt Zach was wearing this morning. I recognize the pattern.
They take seats at one of the tables, and it’s tempting to go over there and tease him about hanging out with his new friend at the library.
Oh God, they’re probably studying.
No wonder he was vague on the details.
Before I get the chance to go over there, their conversation stops me dead in my tracks.
“I may look innocent, but you look like you’re ready to sacrifice a virgin.”
“Ooh, sacrificing a virgin sounds fun. Are you offering?”
Zach just about chokes. “What … and … how …”
I hear her gasp from where I’m standing between two bookshelves. “I was joking. Are you … are you really a—”
“Shh.”
I can’t see properly, but fast movement catches my eye, like he’s waving his hands to get her to stop talking.
I lean against the bookshelf behind me.
Nope, it’s not enough. I have to sink to the floor.
Zach. A virgin.
I knew he wasn’t exactly experienced, but … no one? Nothing?
At all?
Thinking about it, it kinda makes sense with him studying all the time and not exactly being great with people, but I mean, you don’t have to speak to have sex.
Last night filters through my mind again, but now I’m seeing it in a different light.
Damn, if he hadn’t put a stop to it, I would’ve gone as far as he’d wanted to, and that’s no way to spend your first time.
I think back to my first time and wince. Zach deserves more than that.
I don’t know what to do with this piece of knowledge, but I do know I need to leave it up to Zach.
Without letting them see me, I sneak out of the library unsure where to go from here.
16
Zach
“Would you keep your voice down?” I hiss at Ray.
“Why?” She manages something close to a smile. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Oh.” I look her over. “Are you—”
“No.”
“But—”
“I just said no. I’m ace, not an alien. I still have all the same pieces.”
That simmering need to know passes through me. Why did she think trying it would be a good idea when she couldn’t look more disinterested?
“Are you going to tell me what’s up?” she asks. “I’m starting to get bored.”
I don’t know what I can tell her. Mentioning that Foster and I kissed yesterday—twice—seems too unbelievable for words. Maybe that’s why I’m having such difficulty voicing it.
“Is it Grant?”
I glance at the stacks around us to make sure no one will overhear. “How did you—”
“Your hair is so fucked up today it looks worse than mine.”
I fight to keep from smiling. “There’s no way that’s possible.”
“I’m so offended.” Her flat tone makes it clear she really isn’t. “Do you have a little crush on him?”
“No! God, Ray. I’m smarter than that.”
“Smarter than what?”
“Getting a crush on the most … the best …”
“Hockey player?” she suggests.
“Yes. Him. It’s a ridiculous notion.”
“Then why did you do it anyway?”
I scowl at her, then deflate. “Because apparently I’m not as smart as I think I am.”
“There, there.” She pats my shoulder awkwardly.
“Your sympathy is overwhelming.”
“I’m glad you noticed. I don’t get it, but I hear unrequited love is a bitch.”
“Excuse me, I didn’t say I was in love with him.”
“Oh. I assumed—”
“That I’m pathetic?” Can I really blame her for that one? “I’m under no illusion that people like me and Foster belong together. This is merely chemical. There was one place he wanted that kiss to lead, and I went and freaked out instead.”
“He kissed you?”
Uh-oh. I scramble to think of something to say to cover up my slip, but, nope. It’s a little too late to backtrack now. “Yes. And then I kissed him.”
“Huh.”
“Huh, what?”
“I don’t see it.”
Something dies a little inside me. “Thank you! Neither do I.”
“Why did you freak out? Because you’re a virgin?”
“Shh! For the love of all things, keep your voice down. And no, that isn’t why I freaked out.”
“Then wh—”
“I got a little, umm, too excited.”
“Oh.” For the first time since we’ve met, Ray lets out a short laugh. It’s dry and not at all lively, but it�
��s something. “That’s hilarious.”
“I live to amuse.” Apparently. “When I say I’m a … you know. I mean the grossly-inexperienced-only-had-my-first-kiss-yesterday type.”
She looks at me like I have two heads, and oh no, Foster is going to look at me that way, isn’t he? She pats my shoulder again. “Umm, there … there?”
I shrug her off. “I don’t need sympathy. I need to work out what I’m doing. I don’t want Foster to know, and even though it’s doubtful I’ll have that experience again with him, I want to feel competent whenever the time comes. With anyone.”
“Ah, competent. The dream of men everywhere.”
“You’re not being helpful.”
She sighs and turns back to her work. I stare at my computer screen and realize we’ve been here half an hour and I haven’t even opened the intranet.
“You don’t have guy friends you could talk to about it? Or, you know, someone else who doesn’t have only marginally more experience than you?”
I groan. “I would talk to my best friend about it, but he’s Foster’s brother.”
“Porn.”
I jolt around to look at her. “Excuse me?”
“You want to research. Go watch some porn.”
“I don’t think …” Don’t think what? Where was I taking that?
Ray leans over and slowly closes my laptop. “You’re giving me anxiety. Go away.”
“This is a public place. You can’t banish me.”
“And you can’t watch porn here.” She pauses and looks me over. “Unless being arrested is your kink.”
My cheeks blaze. “Do you know what an inside voice is?”
She talks louder. “Everyone watches porn. It’s perfectly natural.”
“I hate you.” I stuff my laptop into my bag and hurry to get away from her.
“That could be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said.”
When Ray pushed the idea of porn on me, I’d been completely content to ignore her suggestion and walk around campus. The early October weather is already cold, and it won’t be long until it’s time for bulky sweaters and jackets again.
People watching always settles my anxiety and awakens the curiosity that overrides all other thoughts, but unlike most days, people aren’t catching my attention.