by Brisa Starr
“Oh my god, he hit his head! He doesn’t know me!” I bellow. “Daddy!”
He wrinkles his eyebrows and tilts his head and the blood drains from my face, when he says, “Gotcha! Just kidding, Ash,” and he busts out laughing.
I burst out crying, tears streaming down my cheeks. I can’t stop them. I hug him again while yelling, muffled, into his shoulder. “Don’t you ever tease me like that again! I was so worried about you. What happened!?”
“It’s no big deal, Ash. Last night I fell…”
“Last night???” I screech, interrupting him. “Last NIGHT?!”
“Yes, Ash,” he repeats calmly. “I fell last night and came to the hospital. I didn’t call you because it’s not a big deal, and I didn’t want to interrupt your night.”
I jump off his bed, throwing my hands up in the air, and pacing the cramped hospital room in a rant. My anger splits through me like an earthquake. “How dare you? How could you not call me? This was an emergency! I should’ve been here. I need to be here!”
“Ash, settle down,” he says, getting frustrated. “You have to learn to trust your old man. I was fine. I didn’t want to interrupt your important evening.”
I’m beside myself.
It’s because of Luke that he didn’t call me.
Just then, Luke walks in. I turn to him, a flurry of chill coming over me. “Luke, I’ll see you later. You can go home.”
He flinches back, and then, his lips in a tight line, he gives me a slow, disbelieving head shake. But I can’t deal with that right now. I turn back to my dad, and I hear Luke say to us quietly, “See you later.”
A part of my heart falls to the floor, but my mind is a wreck over my dad, so I ignore it. I’ll handle Luke later.
With Luke gone, I sit on my dad’s bed and hang my head. This is why I didn’t want to get into a relationship. This changes things. I need to be here for my dad. I need to take care of him. He’s all that matters. And I’ve abandoned him. I let myself get distracted, and this is what happens. I should’ve been there. I should’ve been at home with him.
My dad clears his throat. “Ash, you need to get him back in here. I can see how upset you are, and he should be here with you.”
“Dad, I don’t have time for a relationship.” I gesture toward the door, dismissing that option. “Tell me what happened.”
“Like I said, it’s no big deal. I fell down the last step on the stairs. I just wasn’t paying attention, my heel slipped, and I fell.” He shrugs and continues, “I called Sally, and she came over and brought me here. They X-rayed my ankle. It’s just a sprain. They kept me overnight for observation, just in case I jarred my noggin. I feel fine, they’re just being careful. My neurologist is coming by to check me out.”
“Good, I’m glad Dr. Flagg is coming. I need to ask him some things.”
I put my head in my hands and my shoulders slump. “Dad, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” A rush of raw tears burns my eyes. My stomach clenches, and I try to organize my thoughts, but nothing makes sense. How am I supposed to do this?
My dad pats a spot next to him on the bed, and I scoot over. He puts his hand on my leg. “Honey, I’ve never seen you so happy since Luke came into your life. I’ll be damned if I’m getting in the middle of that.”
His eyes fill with tears, and he blinks them back. “I can take care of myself. This was a silly fall, and I knew what to do. It could happen to anyone. Do you hear me? This could’ve happened to you, and maybe I wasn’t home for it. Does that mean we both need to stay home forever? No!”
He nudges me with his leg and says, “I’ve been doing better, hon, and I feel better now than I have the past fifteen years. But I will never forgive myself if I hold you back from living your life and finding your own happiness and love.”
Ignoring what he says, I grab my phone.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m upgrading your smartwatch. The new version has fall detection. So if you fall, it will alert emergency services and call me.” I scroll my fingers on the screen, swiping until I find the one I want.
I look at him. “Do you want black or white?”
“Ash, come on. I don’t need a watch to detect my falls. Do you? Do you need something like that? What about Sally or Luke? What if they fall? Come on, this is getting silly!” He shakes his head.
“Well, sure, why not? Everybody should have this.”
“You’re just being paranoid now. Ash, you need to stop it,” he says, his tone clipped with warning.
“Dad, I won’t even consider leaving you by yourself unless you promise to wear this watch.”
Exasperated, he gazes at the ceiling and hangs his head back. “Fine. Black.”
I make the purchase. Then, I take a small shaky breath, and I feel bit better.
Sally comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee, and she walks over and stands next to my dad and hands it to him. She rests her arm on him, and it gives me some relief knowing that my dad has her, too, as part of his support network.
Or maybe more?
The way they look at each other makes me realize there’s a hole expanding in my heart because I sent Luke off. Dad is right. If there was ever a time I needed Luke, it’s now, but I’m riddled with guilt about my dad.
“Ash, honey,” Sally says to me, “Your dad is fine. He called me, and we came in just to be safe. No harm no foul, but he’s right, darlin’, you’ve gotta fly the nest, baby bird.”
She sits on the bed next to me and continues, “You gotta give your dad a chance to do more for himself. You can’t keep waiting on him hand and foot. Remember, he’s not alone.”
She stands back up and walks over to my dad. “He has friends. He has neighbors. He has me.” She bends over and kisses him on the top of his head, and he blushes. For the first time, I feel like a third wheel.
“Ash,” my dad says, with a seriousness in his eyes I’ve never seen. “Honey, it’s time for you to go. You need to live your own life, and you got a good man who’s clearly head-over-heels for you. Get a house down the street for all I care, but it’s time for you to let your ol’ man have some privacy.” He winks at me and tilts his head toward Sally. “I don’t want to be a hard-ass,” he adds, “but I’m kinda kicking you out.”
What did he just say? I don’t believe it.
“Dad, that’s ridiculous. Who will make sure you eat and take all of your…”
He interrupts me. “I’ve got it under control, Ash. And heck, Sally checks in on me, too. I’m not helpless, but I will be, if you don’t stop.”
“You can’t be serious. Suddenly you want me gone?” My heart races, and my palms start to sweat.
“You can come over and check on me, but you need to stop making me the center of your life. You need to be the center of your life.”
There’s a knock at the door, and Dr. Flagg pokes his head in.
“Let’s just see what the neurologist says about this.” I mumble, and I stand up and walk toward Dr. Flagg with my hand outstretched to him.
“Hi, Dr. Flagg. It’s good to see you.”
“Likewise. I hear your dad took a little tumble down the stairs.” He shakes my hand and walks over to the bed.
“How’s it going, Carleton?” he asks.
“I’m doing fine, Dr. Flagg, as you can see from my chart. They just kept me for observation. I feel great. Other than my bum ankle, but I’ll be fine.”
I jump in. “Dr. Flagg, can you please tell my dad that, at his age, he shouldn’t live alone?”
Dr. Flagg turns to me. “Ash, can I have a few minutes alone with your father?”
What the hell? I’m the one who handles all my dad’s doctor visits. But I acquiesce. I see Sally is staying, and I feel better. I’m a strong believer that people should always have an advocate when they’re in a hospital or at a doctor’s office.
I step into the hallway, my head down, and when I look up, there’s Luke. He’s leaning against the wall, his arm
s crossed.
Waiting for me.
He didn’t leave me.
I told him to go, but he stayed. I cry again. From the moment I walked out the door to my dad’s room, I’d never felt so alone in my life. My dad telling me to go. Me telling Luke to go.
But here he is.
“You didn’t leave,” I whisper, and he steps toward me, pulling me into his arms. And that hole expanding in my chest fills with pink ocean waves of love, safety, and comfort.
“I’m never leaving you, Ash,” he says, and he caresses the back of my head, pulling me close. “You were just scared. I knew you’d come to your senses.”
I tip my head up at him and blush. “I didn’t exactly come to my senses. Not completely. My dad kicked me out of his house basically.” I shake my head in disbelief.
He looks surprised. “Well, that’s good news, if you ask me.”
“What?”
Just then, the door opens, and Dr. Flagg comes out. “Ash, can I have a moment with you, please?”
“Sure,” I say. “Luke, this is my dad’s neurologist, Dr. Flagg.” I turn to the doctor. “Dr. Flagg this is my boyfriend, Luke,” and — wow! — the word boyfriend just flew out of my mouth, without me really thinking about it, and even though we haven’t officially established that label. I look at Luke shyly, and he smiles at me. A big smile.
Luke holds out his hand to shake Dr. Flagg’s and then puts his arm around me.
“Ash, your dad asked me to talk to you. He thinks if you hear some things coming from me, you’ll feel better. Let’s have a seat,” he says and gestures to the chairs in the hallway.
“I’ve reviewed your dad’s bloodwork, and the scans they took of his brain when he came in. I examined him just now, too. Your father is doing phenomenally well. It even makes me wonder about my initial diagnosis. Everything you have your dad doing is turning back the clock for him.” I breathe a sigh of relief, and he continues with a reassuring smile, “He’s going to be fine, Ash.”
The doctor stands up and puts his pen in his coat pocket. “His instincts are right, you need to live your own life and quit mothering him. It’s driving him crazy.”
I sigh. “I know, Dr. Flagg. He told me, but don’t you think you should talk some sense into him? That if I am part of the reason he’s doing better, then I need to be there to keep him on track?”
“There’s no doubt, Ash, that what you’re doing is helping. But you have to remember that he’ll go farther and be better the more he does on his own. So, you can support him and guide him a bit, but then you’ve got to let him do things for himself.”
“I don’t know, Dr. Flagg. I’m scared.”
“Ash, I know your heart’s in the right place, but in neurology, we have a concept when it comes to brain function: Use it or lose it. The brain is like a muscle — the more you use it, the stronger it gets. When you stop using it, it atrophies. When you do things for him, you’re denying his brain the opportunity to stay strong, and he’ll eventually lose those functions. Forever.”
I nod quietly.
“But, it’s not just him I’m worried about,” he continues. “I have to tell you... in my practice, I’ve seen what happens to the caregivers of patients with dementia. It’s an unhealthy story for them. Fortunately, your dad is nowhere near the level where he needs full-time assistance. Like I said, his prognosis will be much better the more you let him do things on his own. Or force him to, even.”
The doctor shifts the stack of folders he’s carrying under his arm as he gets ready to leave. “And he has his friends, and he has Sally. So, let him be on his own, and watch what happens. I’ll bet he surprises you.”
Luke gives my shoulder a squeeze, and I take a calming breath.
Dr. Flagg looks like he’s about to get up, but then he pauses. “Ash, there might come a day when Carleton is ready for some extra assistance. But that might not be for ten years. Maybe longer. There are a lot of great options. You have options.” He checks his watch.
“People your dad’s age do very well when they have things to look forward to. It gives them purpose. You know, weddings, grandkids, that sort of thing,” he says, shrugging.
I swallow hard. Grandkids… wow.
I’m still upset over everything that happened, but I can’t deny the lightness and relief in my chest at the news. Maybe both my dad and I are about to have some more freedom.
“Well, I’ll be on my way. I told your dad to call my office for an appointment in two weeks.”
“OK, Dr. Flagg. Thank you for your help.”
The doctor leaves, and I look at Luke. “Well, that’s that,” I say and raise my eyebrows and shrug.
Luke bends down and kisses me and then releases me. He holds me at arms’ length so he can get a good look at my face. “I love you, Ash. I want to be with you. Always. Trust me, everything will be OK. I promise.”
We go back into my dad’s room. After updating each other on what Dr. Flagg said to each of us, I realize I don’t need to hang around the hospital, and Sally will take him home when he’s discharged.
Luke and I say our goodbyes, and we leave. We swing by the hotel to check out and get our stuff, and then he drives me home. He parks in his driveway and turns off the engine.
We just sit there a moment, in silence, and I think back to the morning, and our amazing night at the Hassayampa Inn. “I’m so sorry we had to run out of the hotel this morning like that. Room service breakfast would have been fun.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he says. “We’ll do it next time. As long as I know you’re OK, and we’re together, then that’s all that matters to me. I can handle anything else.”
And those words.
As long as we’re together. I can handle anything.
They hit the center of my core and radiate outward. He’s right. I’m stronger knowing Luke was there, and that he didn’t leave me. He didn’t abandon me.
A realization hits me. Two are stronger than one. We’re a team. If my dad ever does need help, there will be two of us there to help him.
I’m amazed I hadn’t considered this obvious math before. I guess getting “kicked out” of my home is making me consider the positive aspects of living away from my dad.
Luke turns to me and says, “I’ve got a few things I have to do in town, but I’ll come over later. Would you like to go on a walk tonight? Maybe the Watson Lake trail before sunset?”
“That sounds perfect.”
“Then we’ll go into town to get some food. You can come hang out at my mom’s house tonight. She would love the company.”
“Oh no, I can’t leave my dad alone that long.”
“Ash, he’ll be fine. In fact, when you were saying goodbye to your dad, Sally mentioned to me that she was gonna stay the night.”
“Really? Wow.” I raise my eyebrows. “Do you think she’ll… sleep on the couch?” I ask him and giggle.
“I don’t even want to go there. But I guess, for your dad’s sake, as a fellow dude, let’s hope not.” He winks at me, a sly grin spreading across his face.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe my dad is right. Maybe his doctor is right. Maybe they’re all right, and my dad will be OK, and he’ll be fine without my interfering so much in his life. As I think about it, waves of both sadness and relief ripple through me.
“You know,” I say, turning to Luke, “everyone seems sure that my dad will be fine. I’m the only one who keeps resisting. I think I’ve been afraid that he’ll think I’ve abandoned him...” I take a breath and continue, “like my mom abandoned him.”
He turns to me. “But you’re not, Ash. You never will. You’ll always be there for him. But that doesn’t mean you have to live under his roof.”
“I know. You’re right. I think the reason I’ve been a protective mama bear with him all my life is that I was projecting my own abandonment issues onto him.” I make a lopsided smile and I exhale.
I purse my lips and tip my head to the side, thinking about what it
means to be moving out of my dad’s house. Having a life with Luke. And, I have to admit, a ripple of excitement tickles me.
31
Luke
First things first, there’s something I need to do.
Something I want to do.
My life can’t move on until I do.
My windows are down as I drive, and the fresh air crosses through the car, dispelling the staleness. The sun is shining bright, and the summer air is soothing and warm. It relaxes my muscles.
It relaxes me.
I pull up in front of their two-story house and turn off the engine. I rest my head on the leather headrest and close my eyes. I wish Ash were here with me to do this, but it’s something I need to do on my own.
A nervous calm flitters in my chest. Deep down, I know this will go well, but the last remnants of shame that linger, the ones hiding in the crevices of my mind, are trying to surface, like a splinter buried under my skin for too long.
It’s ready to come out.
I step out of my car and walk up the sidewalk, the familiarity of its gray flagstone beneath my feet triggering long-forgotten memories. I even know the number of steps it takes me to reach the front door, because I’ve done it so many times before. It’s been ten years since I’ve been here, but it seems like yesterday.
I ring the doorbell, and I shuffle a bit to dissipate the energy in my nerves, and I inhale a deep breath, trying to soften the ache in my chest.
Just as I let out my exhale, the front door opens, and I’m standing face-to-face with Mr. Benter, Jeremy’s father.
“Luke! Hello,” he says, first with an expression of surprise, but quickly replaced by a smile. That same smile Jeremy and I used to see when we’d tell his dad about our latest neighborhood shenanigans. That same smile that greeted us after a soccer game, whether we’d won or lost.
“Mr. Benter. Hi. Can I come in?” I swallow stiffly, wondering if this was a mistake. But then a sense of calm comes over me, not unlike the detached calm I feel after jumping out of an airplane. I’ve stepped off the precipice… I’m OK with whatever happens next.