by David Richo
Each of us can ask, “Have my inner reserves been substantial enough to accommodate the triggers and challenges in my life story so far?” What follows in these pages explores that question and constructs a compass for our journey through whatever mysterious forest we find ourselves in.
ONE
WHAT TRIGGERS US AND WHY?
In this chapter we peer more intently into our topic of triggers. We learn about ourselves and our past by what triggers us. We learn about ourselves and our feelings by our reactions. We find ways to move from autopilot to self-piloting, from reactions to responses. Our triggers then turn into sources of healing and we become enormously optimistic about our own powers of transformation.
There are no bulletproof vests for the psyche. It is a fact of life that some events have an emotional impact and activate a stressful reaction in us—they hook us, yank our chain. In fact, “trigger” is from a Dutch word meaning “pull.” When we are triggered, we are pulled into a reaction. We might feel scared, lose our temper, feel hurt, be stricken with grief, be shocked, have the wind knocked out of us, fall apart.
Some events simply irk us but do not lead to an over-the-top reaction. When we simply notice a stimulus without reacting, we are not triggered. Witnessing is the opposite of being triggered. This is why mindfulness—witnessing the here and now without reacting—is an essential tool for having fewer triggers and efficiently handling the ones we have.
“He triggers me when he comes at me that way!” “She pushes my buttons as no one else can!” “They hook me every time.” In all of these scenarios we may feel like victims of our triggers and of other people. In reality, triggers are tricksters. They make a two-part experience seem like one. This is because our reaction happens so close on the heels of the stimulating event. Actually, the trigger—part one of the experience—is indeed instigated by someone else. But our reaction—part two—is our own responsibility and is based on our own past experiences. We are being bullied by our own unfinished business. A triggering experience alerts us to a psychological issue in ourselves that needs to be addressed, processed, and resolved. The trigger finger is especially our own when we simply let one triggering event after another occur, especially with the same person. He or she is not the cause of the trigger, only the catalyst. A trigger arouses, evokes, or induces; it does not produce. A trigger is a contributing factor, not a determining factor. Each of us will react differently in accord with the personal issues a trigger incites, in the same way that the term “Everglades” will evince a different reaction and have a different meaning to a resident of Florida than to a resident of Kansas.
However, I also have a disclaimer: There are times when a trigger reaction is caused by someone. There are times when we do not have much choice about how we will react or respond. In cases of violent physical attack, for instance, we are triggered into a fearful or defensive reaction. Someone inflicting harm on our bodies is not a catalyst; he is the cause of our distress. This applies to any abuse of which we are victims.
Our feelings in reaction to triggers are on a spectrum from being caused to being catalyzed. The degree of threat or impact will either influence or determine our reaction. The margin of freedom in our response is a matter of percentages—for example, fifty-fifty, ninety-ten. In this book, we are focusing on triggers in the context of relationships, so catalyzing triggers are our topic, not causal ones. We are focusing on how we have resources, so choice will be our topic, rather than instances of no choice.
The New Age, pop-psychology assertion that we are fully in charge of all our feelings is a dangerous illusion. It insists that we are, or can always be, in full control. That is not in keeping with the implacable given of life that we are not. For instance, someone receives shocking news of the sudden death of a close friend or relative. A sane sensitive person will react with shock and grief. Her body will experience an automatic change in heart rate, breathing, pulse, brain synapses. This is a normal and appropriate human response. It is not something we can avoid nor is it healthy to try to control it. Likewise, I am sure that if any of us were to die unexpectedly and suddenly, we would like to believe that our family and friends would feel what loving people feel: shock and grief, as final tributes from those who care about us.
It is up to us to explore the origin of our triggered reflexes and work on moving past them. We can learn how to do this. It will take seeing a trigger as a pointer to our work rather than seeing it as simply a justified reaction. In this way, a trigger arouses our curiosity about ourselves rather than only a reaction to others. We find out exactly where to focus our energy so we can liberate ourselves from being hijacked by others’ behavior. In other words, we become independent adults.
Each person has some unique trigger points. Some triggers are universal—though individual reactions may be quite diverse. Some common triggers, hot buttons most us will recognize, include the following:
We are with people who are expressing their feelings (and we are especially triggered when the feelings are directed at us).
We experience a sudden loss.
We receive bad news.
A natural disaster occurs.
Someone is acting aggressively or violently.
A person, place, or thing reminds us of a past distress or trauma.
Books, movies, or songs may evoke feelings, arouse a memory, give us an insight, motivate a change, or set a mood. Movies or songs from our past may trigger nostalgia.
We experience stress that leads to an addictive reaction (in this example, the trigger is not a cause but can be a catalyst).
Here are nine categories of triggers that most of us can relate to, with specific examples of how they arise.
Feeling Self-Conscious
We are being humiliated or judged as inadequate.
We are alone or part of a minority in a group that is different from us in gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, political alignment, financial status.
We feel shame when we compare where we are in life to how far others have progressed.
We go on guard when references are made in a conversation to age, status, health, grooming, clothes, looks, accomplishments.
We are called upon for public speaking.
Being Discounted
Our adult children do not want to spend as much time with us as we want them to.
Someone is sarcastic toward us.
We are scapegoated, ridiculed, mocked, teased, or baited.
We are patronized, put down, shown contempt.
We are disrespected (which may feel especially triggering if abuse or aggression is happening too).
We lose face or are belittled or shamed (which may feel especially triggering if it occurs in front of others whose opinion is important to us).
We are snubbed or slighted.
We are stood up or stranded, kept waiting for an inordinate amount of time, have an appointment canceled at the last minute.
Someone is acting as if we were not there, as if our words, feelings, actions don’t matter.
Our experience is not believed.
Our stating of a fact, supported by logic and evidence, is denied.
Feeling We Are Controlled
We are being controlled or are around someone who is controlling.
We are being told what our reality is; someone is imposing his or her reality on us.
Someone is making decisions for us; we are being told what we feel, what to do, or how to think.
Being Taken Advantage Of
We are robbed or lose money by being fooled, cheated, or conned.
We are not paid for a service or paid back for a loan.
We are not given what we believe is our due.
We are given less than what others have been given.
We are lied to, tricked, duped, deceived, or betrayed.
We are misrepresented, misunderstood, suspected, discredited, falsely accused.
Feeling Vulnerable
People are not supportive of or shame us for our feelings.
We are about to take a test or receive the results of one.
We feel we have no recourse when others are unfair toward us or when we are facing overwhelming problems.
We are cut off in traffic.
Our passenger is acting as a backseat driver.
We have an accident or near accident.
Someone repeats an annoying habit or something she or he already agreed not to do—knowing it bothers us.
A sexual experience brings up disturbing feelings and thoughts that linger in a confusing way.
Relationship Experiences
We displease someone and fear consequences.
We feel engulfed or smothered by someone’s over-attentiveness.
A person who matters to us tells us he or she is moving away.
The person we love does not show up for us or turns on us.
People who matter to us show that they are not in our corner or they side with others against us.
Someone is minimizing or discounting the impact of what we are feeling.
Someone fails to attune to our feelings.
We unexpectedly see someone we recently broke up with, see her or his ad on a dating site, hear how well she or he is doing.
Suddenly and unexpectedly we see or meet up with our ex-spouse or someone with whom we have an unresolved conflict.
We notice that a person we were once so close to now acts in an indifferent or disengaged way toward us.
Boundary Concerns
Someone is coming at us while drunk or on drugs.
Someone is hitting on us or acting in an inappropriate or sexist way.
Our boundaries are being crossed either in major ways, such as overriding a decision of ours, or in minor ways, such as sticking a fork into our dish to taste our food at the kitchen table or at a restaurant.
Someone is rushing us, not respecting our timing.
We are being scrutinized, interrogated, or hit with a barrage of questions, especially just as we arrive at home or work.
Someone is trying to sell us something or convince us of something in a pushy way.
Someone is acting as if he or she has authority when he or she does not (e.g., an older sibling trying to control us).
Someone in authority refuses to acknowledge our right to be heard.
Our saying “No!” is not being respected.
Feeling Uncomfortable about What Is Happening
A family member or partner does or says something in public that embarrasses us.
We are about to meet a new person.
We are about to have sex with someone for the first time.
Someone is talking about politics or religion in a way that is distasteful to us or contrary to our views.
Someone is showing bigotry or telling a joke that puts others down.
We are discriminated against, persecuted, or excluded because of our race, religion, economic status, political persuasion, gender, sexual orientation, physical or mental disability.
We hear the news and strongly oppose what politicians and governing bodies are up to.
We see someone harming an animal.
Fearing What Might Happen
We are questioned, accused, or threatened by an authority figure such as a boss, the IRS, the police.
Someone is using loaded words, actions, or gestures that have a judgmental or threatening impact.
Someone comes at us with a facial expression that represents rejection or judgment—for example, a frown of impatience, disgust, reprimand, rage.
There is a tone in the voice of someone that seems threatening, dismissive, condescending, curt (which may feel especially triggering if it reminds us of a tone one of our parents used toward us).
We are triggered by a superstition or magical thinking. For example, we may believe that punishment is coming our way because we have done wrong or that rewards are owed to us because we have been good.
Some people trigger us without having to do any of the actions on the list above. The person’s presence, or even the thought of the person, triggers a reaction. We might also be triggered if any of the events on this list happen to someone we love.
Some triggers have a double wallop. For instance, using an example from the list above, we tell our daughter about the danger of a drug she is using, and she refuses to listen. This triggers us, and we react with frustration but with compassion too. We then show the evidence using scientific articles. She replies, “You can believe what you want to believe.” We are then triggered a second time because we know she is saying that we have no facts only opinions. We react with more frustration—this time with the sense that we are being discounted and patronized. Notice, in this example, as in all triggering experiences, that the other person pulls the trigger but how we are hit is up to us.
We notice also that every trigger on the list is a given of life and relationship—all triggers are. The list shows the way life is sometimes and the way people are sometimes. Givens of life include loss, unfairness, painful experiences, failed plans. A given of human interactions is the possibility of disappointment, rejection, abandonment, betrayal. None of us is entitled to a life with no triggers. All of us are vulnerable to others and to events. At the same time, fortunately, all of us have the inner resources to say in response, “Yes, it is this way and what is going on with me?” With that attitude we explore ourselves deeply rather than blame others uselessly. The more we accept reality with an unconditional yes, the less are we apt to be triggered.
Each of us has his or her own roster of triggers. What triggers us may be water off a duck’s back to our friend. We see her respond with assertiveness and confidence to a slight that would throw us for a loop. We admire her and wish we could be like that. Actually, however, it could be that slights are not on her trigger list so in fact it did not take much courage for her to respond. When her buttons are pressed, she may react without the confidence we observed in this instance. Some of what we call courage and hutzpah is really about not being triggered into inhibition.
Triggers lead to self-doubt. We believe we cannot manage our feelings and reactions. We do not trust our inner resources. Accessing these tools, however, fosters a restoration of safety and security. Likewise, safety and security in a relationship can take what is ordinarily triggering and make it no big deal. What might have pierced us before now bounces off us.
As we saw above, triggers arouse grief: We are sad about a loss. We are angry at the one who caused it. We are afraid we will not be able to handle the empty space it has left in our life. An immediately aggressive reaction can be an avoidance of those components of grief. We then subvert an inner resource, our instinctive ability to mourn. We reduce our capacity to handle loss, disappointment, betrayal, hurt. As we allow ourselves to experience our grief and accept it as part of life, we can discover pathways through it. This increases our self-trust; we feel assurance that we have healthy resources and can access them appropriately when needed. Sometimes our reaction to a trigger leads us to violate our own principles. For instance, we suspect our partner is being unfaithful. We react with fear, hurt, and indignation. We then trespass over boundaries we would ordinarily honor. We search his cell phone, texts, emails.
We do drive-bys. The healthy alternative is to tell our partner of our feelings and misgivings. We confront the concerns together in dialogue or in therapy.
Some triggers—for instance, being ridiculed in the presence of others—may not be restimulations of a past trauma; that is, they may not be the result of post-traumatic stress. They may simply be appropriate responses to a truly disturbing situation. We might then collapse in shame, become enraged, or retaliate. The healthy response, the response that can become a practice, is a mindful “Ouch!” without judgment or vindictiveness. By simply saying “Ouch!” we assertively, not aggressively, set our boundaries and seek dialogue. If there is no room for reasonable discourse our only healthy response is leaving the premises. A limbic atmosphere drowns out prefrontal dialogue!