by Erina Reddan
‘We’ll need photos,’ I said. ‘The one you’ve got, Dad, and any others we have. I’ll come around to dig out her rosary beads.’
Dad struggled out of the chair. Tessa swooped in under his arm. ‘Be glad to see the back of this joint,’ he said. ‘Even with Maureen.’ Tim picked up the suitcase, Philly was on the Esky and I came behind with a couple of plastic bags of old roses from Shelley’s garden, my arms full of all kinds of love: red for romantic, yellow for peace, white for forgiveness.
Dad said his thanks to the nurses at the desk. We processed down the hall, all as slow as Dad’s shuffle. Tessa had been all for getting him a wheelchair, but he wouldn’t have it. She’d argued for a walking stick, then, but he’d told her that if he was well enough to leave the hospital, he was well enough to walk out on his own two feet. Tessa had given up, but he was leaning all he was on to her and she was struggling under it.
Philly fell back so that it was just her and me. ‘What are you up to?’ she asked.
I shook my head, all I don’t know what you are talking about.
‘Listen, if you’re serious about finally abandoning your crime theory, you need to be serious about the next thing. You have to contact Maurice and see if he’ll let you go back to work.’
I winked at her. ‘Mission accomplished.’
‘God,’ she said. ‘What did he say?’
I seesawed my head. ‘It took a bit. Not for him to give me the job back. Said he hadn’t taken my “temper spike”,’ I quoted up my fingers best I could given the roses, ‘seriously. But there was a lot of talking to be done about my head, my future. It was either that or the fine Scotch I took him.’
‘He’s such a softy when it comes to you.’
‘I learned from the best of us.’ I winked, nudging her.
She grinned.
‘How’s Ahmed?’
‘Fine.’ She said too quickly, before grinning again. ‘Okay, you were right. And he was right. We do see more of each other.’ She screwed up her face into mine.
‘So make sure you bring him to Mum’s birthday.’
‘What about Tye?’
‘Course.’
‘I just don’t want to bring Ahmed if there’s going to be any shit.’
‘There’s always shit, Philly. What family did you grow up in?’
Outside the hospital, Tessa opened the car door for Dad and went around to supervise Tim and Philly putting his things in the boot. I put the roses on the back seat.
‘Need my wallet, love,’ said Dad to me. I separated the plastic bag full of Dad’s wallet, cheque book and glasses, and put it on his lap. ‘I’ll be finding her rosary beads,’ he said, his voice low and with an edge. ‘No need for you to come.’
I kept mine all cheery. ‘I don’t mind, have a dig around.’
‘You don’t come anywhere near my place.’ He stabbed the air. ‘You hear?’
‘Yeah, sorry about the last time,’ I said, still all sunny.
He balled his fist and tapped his knee. ‘I’m serious, I don’t want you there before that Sund’y with the others. And after your mother’s birthday dinner, not one word more! Only doing this bullshit so you’ll keep your trap shut. Forever! You hear me?’
Tessa opened the driver’s door. ‘All set?’
I slammed Dad’s door and stood with Tim and Philly to wave them off.
CAUGHT
It was on.
At Dad’s, I turned the key off in the Austin and the engine cut. Tye and I looked at each other, and for a moment I didn’t want to get out of the car. He reached across the red of the leather seats to squash my hand. But it was too hot for long sitting so we got out and unpacked the food. I’d figured out where Philly had got her ‘sausage casserole, et cetera’ from when I’d asked Marge for some help with cooking a meal for Mum’s birthday. No worries, she’d said. Just cooked up a whole lot for Philly the other day. That was Philly’s other superpower: she might be all OCD straight lines, but she got stuff done by thinking in crooked ones. That originality is what would take her straight to the CEO’s office one day in the not-too-distant future.
Tye went ahead up the path. I leaned against the car, squinting at the old place for what might be the last time. The sun sharpened its edges against the angles of the house; its rusting roof, its listing walls.
I grew up in this shithole. Now I was living in another. In that second I got it. It had been penance. The next second I got something new. I was going to move out.
Tye stopped to see where I was.
‘Marge and me are moving out together.’
‘I never thought I’d see the day,’ he said, dramatically raising the back of his hand to his brow.
I laughed. ‘It’ll be okay if she’s doing the cooking.’
‘You’d better factor in a fold-out couch for Rat-Tail and Rocco sleepovers.’
I screwed up my face, but actually even the idea of having Rat-Tail over felt good.
I picked up the basket, peeled off from the Austin and went up the path to join Tye. We went through the laundry and into the kitchen. Into the low hum of ordinary… Okay maybe not everyday ordinary: it had that Christmas, dressed-up feel. The table had been brought out into the middle of the room to fit us all and a small table added at the end. Philly had brought her white dinnerware, which put the seriousness into things.
I navigated through the pointy branches of greetings and cheek pecking and held tight to the dive of Georgie into my arms. Wondered briefly what it would be like to have my own little Georgie equivalent.
I caught the look Tim and Shelley swapped between them as I was holding Georgie, but I couldn’t read it.
Tim gave Tye a hearty handshake like he was trying to cram a lot more meaning into it than the average. Tye gave back in kind, matching Tim’s serious. I loved that about Tye.
‘Nice curtains,’ I said, surprised that I could do ordinary, too, and my voice got stronger. ‘Very lemony.’
‘The old man’ll have em down quick smart after this,’ said Tim. Tessa swatted him with a tea towel. ‘You know he likes a clear line of sight to the road,’ Tim reminded us. We all knew. Liked to see what was coming at him.
The curtain lifted with a small breeze fanning out over the matching new laminex on the bench. I felt a spit of annoyance with Tessa for even trying to give the old place a facelift, as if that could make a difference to everything. But I realised I was doing the same thing. Bringing in the new, just in a different way. She was wearing Mum’s cameo on her blouse and I winked my approval at Philly, jerking my head towards it. She winked back. It would be Tim’s turn next.
Somebody had put candles in front of the framed photos of Mum on the bench. Even the one Dad had kept hidden from us all those years was there.
I got my head down and worked with Georgie and Ahmed to thread serviettes through the white chrysanthemum rings I’d made, while Tye joined Philly and Tessa at the kitchen bench. Philly passed him a knife and chopping board, and dumped a pile of piled carrots on top.
Ahmed helped Georgie rainbow more chrysanthemums on each plate while I filled teacups and tiny glasses with water. Georgie got bored, though, and wandered off, so Shelley helped us shape the chrysanthemums into the makeshift vases and arrange them on top of the long white mirror I’d got from the op shop and laid down the middle of the table. We stood back and even Tim broke off his price-of-wool talk with Geoff to twist his mouth in approval at the forest of white, actual and reflected. I was swimming the place in truth. Philly spoke a bit of flower, but if she knew the symbolic meaning of white chrysanthemums she didn’t let on.
‘Let’s get this show on the road, then,’ Dad said, rushing out from his bedroom like he had somewhere to go, the smell of Brylcreem strong about the wave of his receding grey hair. He sniffed the roast and rubbed his hands.
‘Like the old days.’ He looked at my jeans. ‘See you’ve made an effort, JJ.’
‘In my own way,’ I said.
He tsked, but I shrugg
ed it off. There were bigger things to snag on when you were digging up your mother after fourteen years. ‘You’re looking back to yourself.’
‘Yep, yep. All good.’ He shrugged it off as if being gored by your beloved bull was an everyday thing. Despite everything, Dad hadn’t been able to bring himself to part with Max, who was still happily plotting conspiracy beside his trough and eyeing off the cows in the adjoining paddock.
He turned to Tye, and I made the introduction.
‘Good meeting you, Mr McBride.’
‘Beer, mate?’ Dad asked him over a shake of his hand. ‘Best thing in this heat.’
Tye agreed that it was perfect given the weather.
‘What time is Father McGinty getting here?’ asked Philly.
‘Not coming,’ said Tim.
‘Did you even ask?’ I said.
Tim shrugged. ‘The old man told me not to. Said he’d do it.’
Dad had outsmarted me again. I slapped away a barb of disappointment. Wasn’t going to let it infect the rest of the day though. Dad beamed his back to me as he got busy with the fridge door and the bottle opener.
I asked Philly to keep an eye on Tye while I went to do something. She frowned into a question, but I just winked, and Tye walked me to the Austin. ‘I won’t be long,’ I said. He put his forehead against mine like a blessing.
I bumped down the hill over the flat and pulled on the handbrake at Jean’s Corner. I took out the box of garden things and considered my options. I tested the hardness of the ground around the short stone bench, the baby’s cross, closer in under the apple tree, then by the creek. In the end I dug close to the reach of the water. I hadn’t been able to choose between Purple Loosestrife and its all that’s gone between us and the wattle, which had so much to say, but in among it was love and protection and the solving of mystery, and I thought there was all of that in the thickness binding Mum and Aunty Peg together. Then the rose bushes: one from Mrs Tyler’s garden, the dark red Munstead Wood Rose, one of Mum’s favourites because they’re survivors and yet so lush. The Bleu Magenta Rose was Mrs Nolan’s—because its deep rose purple was as unexpected as Peg, she said. Tye and I had dropped around on our way, told them what needed to be told. They’d held hands across the kitchen table with the pity of it. I dug the holes, poured in water and fertiliser, gentled the plants from their pots, placed them in the ground and covered their roots with soil. I thought of the millions of women who’ve ever held helpless hands in the face of implacable facts. Watered the plants in. Giving Mum a garden. I stripped off my gloves and reached into the box for the plaque Tye and I had worked on:
Sarah Anne Millet 1931–1968
Margaret Mary Millet 1933–1982
I stabbed it deep into the loosened earth and used the back of the shovel to bang in the rest enough so it would hold.
I sat back on my haunches. It was done. Over. This terrible trail of lies to which they both lost so much. I don’t know if this is what they would want. To be together again. But I do know they didn’t get a chance to find out. That had to end here.
When I got back to the house, Tessa was yelling for Georgie to come back out the back door. ‘Where’d you get to?’ she asked me.
‘Just doing a bit of reacquainting.’ I smiled, shading my eyes with my hand.
‘Mmm.’ She gave me a sceptical look. ‘Dinner’s ready.’
‘Twins?’
‘Down. Your old room.’
‘Hope there’s nothing catching in there.’
‘Better not be.’ She laughed.
Inside, Dad scraped his chair to the table and leaned back to get more of a swig of his beer. Tessa went to pick up his plate. He patted her forearm and she smiled.
I took Tye’s hand. His other hand came around mine. ‘All good?’ he leaned in to say.
‘Yep.’ I bit my lip. ‘Done. Now this.’ I blew air out and went to pull my hand away to dig into my palm.
He pulled it back and kissed the place I would have attacked with my nails. ‘You got this,’ he said.
Tessa spooned minted peas and roasted spuds on to Dad’s plate. She layered lamb slices beside parsnip and carrots, and put it all before him. Geoff got his own and Tessa moved on to Georgie’s plate. Dad sat at the head of the table alone as everybody filled their plates at the bench. He hunched forwards and drowned everything in gravy. He got his knife and fork busy and down went the first mouthful, wolfed in.
Tessa untied Mum’s apron and hung it on the hook beside the fireplace, just like Mum used to do. I was still only up to the greens dish when everybody else was settled, the steam of lamb and other things rising. I got my shoulders to my ears and dropped them, and then filled my plate and took my seat beside Tye.
There was that look between Tim and Shelley again.
I bit my lip. Suddenly, I couldn’t remember how I was going to start this thing despite all the rehearsal I’d done with Tye. He squeezed my hand under the table. The breath was having trouble getting out of my throat.
‘How about you say grace, mate?’ said Dad, laying down his knife. Georgie straightened up and big-eyed his face, nodding like a toy dog with a spring-head. Tessa gave him a wink and he stilled to send an elaborate one back.
‘Bless us, oh Lord, and these, thy gifts which we are about to receive.’
‘Amen,’ we answered, although I couldn’t be sure there’d been an actual voice out of me.
‘Good man,’ said Dad, including Tessa and Geoff in his approving look. ‘Special occasion today,’ he said, and clasped his hands together and bowed his head again. We followed suit. ‘Fourteen years since the Lord took your mother to His breast. We don’t question His ways, but pray that He takes her from the fires of damnation into the bliss of paradise.’ He paused and we waited. ‘Amen,’ he said. ‘Amen,’ we echoed.
‘Think we can do a bit better,’ said Tim, getting to his feet. He looked at Shelley and she beamed encouragement back. ‘To Sarah.’ He swooped his stubby high. ‘To Mum. For the sweet milky tea in the mornings, for the pancakes on Sunday afternoons, and for—’ His eyes skitted along the ceiling.
‘For the Hail Marys at night,’ said Philly.
‘For the good tucker,’ said Dad.
‘For sewing our dresses,’ said Tessa.
‘For the paper giraffes,’ said Georgie. Tessa’s ‘shh’ was lost in the swivel of eyes towards him. He grew big with the importance of all those eyes on him. ‘Grandma made paper giraffes with Mum and Mum makes them with me. She says I can do them with my kids.’
Tessa flushed.
‘Now I feel cheated,’ said Tim, his beer bottle still charged. ‘Where’s my paper giraffe?’ Philly jumped on board with her own whine about how she’d missed out, too.
‘It was just—’ Tessa started.
Tim laughed. ‘That was just how Mum was, Tessa. She had something good with all of us. Flowers with JJ, baking and giraffes with you.’
‘Settle down.’ Dad’s voice rose above the wave. ‘To your mother. May she rest in peace.’
‘To Mum,’ we all said.
Tim stayed on his feet. ‘We got a bit of news.’
Shelley jumped up and grabbed him around the neck. ‘He proposed.’
Georgie bounced to his feet on his seat and jumped up and down, joining in all the clapping.
Ahmed stood up, glass charged. ‘To Sheeellleey and Teeem, may the moon hold your love in its arms at night and the sun shine on your lives by day.’
Philly did a proud he’s-with-me gesture. The rest of us looked at each other, eyebrows raised, impressed, but not sure how to do the echoing thing with this. Georgie got it, though. ‘To the moon and the sun,’ he shouted, shoving his empty plastic cup towards the ceiling. That’s what we echoed, laughing all around. Shelley grinned at me.
‘So, date?’ I asked.
‘March,’ she said happily. ‘Wedding at Our Lady of the Rosary.’
‘Party back at ours,’ finished Tim.
‘Dad’s moving out to th
e cottage and Tim’s moving in with me,’ Shelley said.
‘In the big house, Tim,’ I chided. ‘You’ll have to wear your big boy pants.’
He reached across the table to swat me. He took the opportunity to say urgently underneath it all so nobody else could hear. ‘You, too. Now’s your moment.’
So those shared looks between Shelley and him had been about more than wedding bliss.
And just like that I was back to the numb, shrouding me up. All the adrenaline and purpose of the last two weeks evaporated. I clawed at my palm. Then I stopped myself, fisted my hands and got them down deep between my legs, hard against the wood of the chair.
‘Mum would have been fifty-three today,’ I said, using the words like a knife through the layers. Tim sat down, nodding like he could see where I was headed. ‘Mum would have loved to be here for this. She would have loved you, Shelley.’
Shelley nodded seriously. She knew I was starting whatever it was she and Tim had hoped I’d be doing. ‘Mum also loved the truth,’ I said. Smiles faded. I kept my eyes on my plate. ‘Laid into us if she ever caught any of us with a lie between our teeth.’
‘JJ,’ growled Tessa.
‘Let her be,’ said Tim.
‘I won’t let her turn this into a circus.’ Tessa’s voice scratched along the surface. ‘Just—’
But I’d lost the rest, anyway. I held still, closed my eyes.
‘JJ?’ Tim asked. He had those urgent eyes on me again.
‘Reckon it’s time, is all,’ I said, forcing my eyes to look straight at Dad.
‘I warned you,’ he said, low and snarly. ‘I don’t know what you got in mind, but scrub it out right now. This is a special occasion and I won’t have your mother’s memory spat on.’
My eyes narrowed. It was just what I needed. Red reared up in me, snapping through the ropes I’d had it tied down with. ‘Because that would be your department,’ I said.
‘For god’s sake,’ hissed Tessa, jerking her head towards Georgie.
Philly pushed back her chair to leave.
‘You stay right there,’ I said.