Even if I have another meltdown, there are enough brothers here who suffer from PTSD having served, they’d be hypocritical to criticise how badly Flint affected me.
Drew deserves an honest answer.
“You asked me if I loved Xander, the answer is I don’t. I’m grateful to him, I feel a lot of affection for him. I would have tried to make a relationship work and have no doubt we would have got along. But love? You’re the only man I’ve ever felt that emotion for. You thought I was just a kid when you were responsible for me leaving, and it’s true, I was. My love may have been that of a young girl’s, but I gave you my heart then, and it could never belong to anyone else.”
He goes to speak, I stop him.
“I would have said yes. I’m fine with returning to Phoenix, and that’s the answer I’d give anyone else. But to you, I’ll admit, the thought of going back scares me. What if Flint comes after me again? I keep seeing him, Drew, at the grocery store; I saw him one day hovering outside the hospital where I work. Sometimes I freak out and then find he’s not there at all, that it was my imagination summoning him up.” I’m not stupid, I know my dad has something planned, whether he’s shared that with Drew it’s not my place to ask. Family loyalty trumps friendship until I say an unqualified yes. “Even if he’s made to back off, I’ll still be nervous about going to my car, going to the store.” I bite my lip and admit, “I’ve never been a victim before, I didn’t realise how much it would affect me.”
“You don’t need to worry—”
“Easy to say, but I do.” He’s not the one who’s got a rapist stalking them.
“You don’t need to worry,” he repeats, “because I’m sending a prospect back with you.”
“You can’t do that.” I look at him wide-eyed.
He leans in and gives that boyish smirk once again. “I can, because I’m the prez.”
With that pronouncement which I can’t argue with, he takes my arm and leads me back to his motorcycle. On the drive back, I have conflicting thoughts going through my head. Elation at the future that’s just been offered to me, and sorrow at parting with the man who’s been my rock for the last three months.
I hate to let anyone down, and now I’m going to bring disappointment to the man who I respect, although, compared to the resurrection of my feelings for Drew, I know I don’t love, or maybe I do, but only superficially, as one would a dear friend.
“I’m coming with you,” Drew says, after he’s parked the bike and dismounted.
I don’t pretend not to understand. “No, Drew. I’ll speak to Xander.” Whether or not when the month’s out I’ll have a future with Drew, I know from this afternoon my feelings for Xander aren’t enough. If there’s one thing Drew’s shown me it’s I want a partner, someone who can take charge, but not take over. And that’s what Xander’s been doing, making choices for me.
Up to today, I was in the headspace where I needed that, but even after the short time with Drew, I can feel my confidence starting to come back. I was always looking for a play partner, not a full time Dom. Xander can’t turn off what he is, just as I have to accept I can’t be what he wants.
Drew’s hand curls around my neck. “Okay,” he says simply, and I’m grateful he doesn’t insist or try to take over. “But remember, Amy, I want you in my bed tonight. Don’t want you alone with another man, however much you trust him to keep his hands off.”
“What if I’m not ready?” It’s not just the upcoming confrontation with Xander that’s already eroding some of my briefly found self-assurance. It’s returning to the compound and all the thoughts and fears I initially brought here with me. I wish we could have stayed at the stables, it had been like being cocooned in our own little bubble of safety.
The memories of why Xander’s been close and protecting me slam hard into me. Flint stole my control, he was caught raping me. And worse, he’d abused me, in ways I’m too ashamed to voice.
I turn my watery eyes up to Drew. “What if I’m not ready?” I repeat, my voice sounding small.
“I don’t give a fuck, Amy. If you want to just cuddle, or not even touch me, then that’s what we’ll do. You’re in the driving seat for now. I’ve waited all these years, I can wait a bit longer. But never doubt your place is with me. You need support and protection? I’ll be the one giving it to you.” He leans forward and places a platonic kiss to my forehead. His eyes though, they flare with desire and promise, showing that mindful of people watching, he’s diplomatically keeping things casual. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
I give him a tremulous smile, then at his confidence-giving chin lift, walk slowly up to the suite we’ve been allocated, dragging my heels rather than rushing into this difficult conversation. I still haven’t found the right words to say as I open the door and step inside.
Xander puts down the book he’s been reading, his welcoming smile slowly slipping off his face. He’s on his feet in seconds, standing in front of me, his forefinger and thumb going under my chin and raising my head to face him.
“What’s happened?” he says urgently. “Did you have another episode?”
“No,” I shake my head adamantly. “Nothing like that, but we’ve got to talk, Xander.”
You don’t get to be a heart surgeon by being stupid. Xander lets out a heavy sigh, and states, “He cares for you.”
“I’ve only just found that out.” I don’t want him to think I’ve used him.
“And you care for him,” he continues.
My voice sounds weak, breathy. “I always have. But I put it to the back of my mind. I thought I lost my chance with him, a long time ago. I haven’t been lying to you, Xander. I thought I was a free woman.”
“But you’re not,” he replies in an unreadable tone. “At least not in here.” He places his hand lightly over my heart. “Do you love him, Amy?”
“Yes,” I admit.
“And he loves you back?” He carries on after I give a small nod. “What has he offered you?”
“Him. He’s offered me himself, completely. To be his old lady, his wife. To have his children.”
“I see.” I’m certain a fleeting flash of pain crosses his face, but he hides it fast. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes,” I say quietly, unable to say anything else.
Xander mumbles something which sounds suspiciously like fuck, though he’s a man who’s so in control of himself he rarely resorts to swearing.
He moves away and stands with his back to me, his head slightly bowed. Then he pulls back his shoulders and starts talking. “I offered to be your Dom, Amy, and you agreed to be my sub. We would have lived together, and I could see us making a go of it. There’s already affection between us that could have grown stronger. But I can’t promise you anything, I can’t promise you a future in case it all comes to nothing. Don’t get me wrong,” he swings around, “I’ll miss you, I’ve kind of gotten used to you being there, of holding you and easing your nightmares. I like someone depending on me, having someone to protect from the world. But maybe I’d have stifled you, and maybe my demands would have eventually proved too much.”
That he’s not fighting for me now, either shows he’s a good man or that he doesn’t have deep feelings for me. I hate making someone hurt, but the picture he’s painting isn’t anywhere near as attractive as what Drew had laid out.
“I’m sorry, Xander.”
He comes closer again. “I’m not, pet.” He sounds sincere, and one side of his mouth turns up. “If bringing you here has made you discover your destiny, then my job as your Dom is done. I could never take you away from a man who loves you, when all I can offer is a relationship that’s transactional.” He chuckles softly. “I knew you’d be a brat, knew you’d balk against my strict imposition of rules, but I was looking forward to punishing you. But if that’s not the relationship you truly want, then it’s best we find out before making a commitment.”
“I’ll miss you,” I spit out fast. It’s the truth, he’s been there
for me through my darkest days.
“I’ll miss you too, pet. But don’t doubt I’m happy for you.” He starts opening drawers and taking out his neatly folded clothes, carefully placing them in the case he brought with him.
“What are you doing?”
“Going.”
“Now? But it’s Christmas, there’s a dinner—”
“And I’d be a third wheel.” He looks up and meets my eyes. “If you want me to stay, just one word will make me.”
But I can’t think of saying it. He knows. Within minutes, he’s packed. Like Drew had done earlier, but for entirely different reasons, he places a kiss to my forehead. “Say goodbye here, don’t walk down with me.”
I was going to at least walk him to his car, but I think he knows by the way my eyes glisten, I’ll be crying after he’s gone. He might not have turned out to be my one and only, but he’s been such a good friend it’s hard to see him walk away.
“Will I see you again?” I ask, as he opens the door.
He hesitates for just one moment. “If our paths cross, if you come back to the club, then yes. But I won’t seek you out, Amy. Not because I don’t want to see you, but a clean break is best. You’ve got a different path to tread now, and I wish you every happiness.”
When the door closes behind him, I fist my hands to prevent myself running after him and after a moment, throw myself on the bed, tears flowing freely, wracking sobs going through me, remembering him lying spooned behind me, comforting and supporting me through those dark long nights. I go over everything in my head that he’s said or done. Xander’s a good man, I probably didn’t deserve him.
But while I allow myself time to grieve, not for one moment do I think I’ve made a mistake. My future is with Drew now, just for this moment I’ll dwell on the past, then move forward and put it behind me.
Chapter Twelve
Amy
A knock sounds on the door. Throwing myself off the bed, I rush to open it, thinking it might be Xander coming back to say we’ll always be friends. But it’s not him, it’s the man I want to see much more.
“I saw him leave, about half an hour ago. Gave you some time, but not giving you anymore. Any tears you cry, you cry them with me.” He uses his thumb to wipe one such tear from my eye.
“I think I hurt him,” I say, biting my lip. “He was so good, Drew. He didn’t blame me, he gave me his blessing and good wishes.”
Drew tilts his head slightly. “His job’s done now, Amy. It’s now mine to protect you and keep you safe.”
“He doesn’t even want to stay friends with me.”
Drew’s sigh sounds like it’s one of relief. But there’s also understanding in his eyes as he comes closer. “He was there for you in your worst time, saved you from the worst experience of your life. He saw you at your lowest point, and, of everyone, has direct knowledge of what Flint did, and the impact on someone like yourself. Of course you’re going to miss him. But he was right to make a clean break.” He pauses and rubs the side of his nose. “His being with you served as a reminder. Perhaps, now he’s gone, you can move on.”
I look down at my hands, wondering whether he’s right. I could never forget that night with Xander there to remind me. It’s true, sometimes I look at him and remember the fury in his eyes when he’d seen how Flint had taken advantage of me.
“Babe, it’s time we made an appearance at the clubhouse.”
I glance up fast, it’s the first time he’s called me something other than Amy or sweetheart which he’d used when we were younger. Now he’s holding out his hand.
“Uh uh.” I shake my head. “You go down first, and I’ll follow in a few minutes.”
His brow creases, and his hand goes to his temple. “What’s up Amy? Why do you need more time to yourself? I think you need your family around you.”
He’s misunderstood. “Drew, if we walk in together, what will people think? We agreed we’d give it a month before making a commitment. Everyone will get the wrong idea. I don’t want to make it difficult for you.”
“You think I give a fuck?” he rasps. “You and I are together, and I’ve no fuckin’ doubt we’ll stay that way. If it doesn’t work out, well, I won’t be the first man jilted.”
“You jilt people at the altar,” I say with a small laugh.
“Oh, I’ll get you to the altar sooner or later.” Drew sounds solemn. “You’ll be my ol’ lady and my wife.” His tone lightens as he adds, “Going to tie you to me in every fuckin’ way that I can.”
I cover my mouth with my hand, then manage to get out, “Is that a proposal?”
“Nah,” he sounds serious again. “That will come at the end of the month. Then you can start planning our wedding.”
I stand open mouthed. He wants everything. I remember the first time I said I’d marry him, I’d been about six. He’d laughed. When I’d repeated it a few years later, he’d looked awkward. Now that everything I wanted since I was young is being handed to me on a platter, I’m beginning to think he’s right. At the end of the month I’ll be able to commit to him completely. I can’t now. I need time to get my head around the whirlwind changes. Time to think when I’m not under pressure to make a decision.
“Come on then.” Again, he holds out his hand.
This time I take it, but resist his little tug to get me moving. “What are people going to think, Drew? One minute I was with Xander, and now…”
“I don’t give a fuck, and you shouldn’t either. You and me, babe, that’s all that matters.”
I stare at him for a moment, then realise he’s right. We shouldn’t need to sneak around hiding our relationship. I’m the girl who walked into kink clubs alone, I can walk into a clubhouse full of my family with my man by my side. My man? Jeez, he’s already got me thinking that way.
It’s not as if we have to rub people’s noses in it. All we need to show publicly is that our friendship has been rekindled. Take things slow. Then, at the end of the month, it won’t come as a shock to anyone. Me sitting beside Drew during Christmas dinner shouldn’t raise any eyebrows at all. I did it enough when I was a kid. Me sleeping in his room? Again, I can slip down to his discreetly when everyone thinks I’ve gone back to my own suite.
This time his pressure gets me putting one foot in front of the other.
The walk down to the clubhouse only takes a few minutes. Drew stops me outside and chuckles. “Sounds like Peg’s got control of the music again.”
I smile back as I hear strains of Wizard’s I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day bellowing out. Then I start giggling.
When Drew looks at me as if I’ve gone mad, I point out the coincidence. “You do realise this is your song, don’t you? It sounds like they’re expecting you to make an entrance.”
“Apt,” he agrees, smirking. “Now, come on.”
He opens the door to the clubhouse, and then guides me through with his hand at the small of my back, a tactile comfort which no one else can see. That’s right, be inconspicuous, let them get used to the fact we’re friends once again.
But it seems Drew has different ideas. As soon as we’re inside, he pulls me against him, my back against his front and holds me tight to him, in a sign no one can interpret incorrectly.
Dad gets to his feet and comes across, looking behind us. His eyes narrow. “Where’s Xander?”
“Gone,” Drew answers for me.
“What the fuck is this Wizard?” I notice Dad doesn’t respect him with his title.
Drew holds me tighter and replies, “This is me doing what’s right. What’s always been in the cards. Me and Amy, together.”
Dad’s eyes now find mine. He’s searching my face, trying to read my expression. Then he says sternly, “You alright with this, Amy? Is this what you want? Because if it’s not, don’t fuckin’ care if he’s the Prez, he’s going six foot under.”
My eyes widen as I see his hand rest on the butt of his gun. He wouldn’t shoot him, would he? Drew hasn’t tensed, as if he’
s unconcerned with a threat issued by one of his members, but while it might not be to the death, I don’t want a fight between Drew and my dad. I swallow fast and realise much as I wanted not to immediately go public, to avoid bloodshed at Christmas, I have to admit the truth.
“I’ve wanted it forever, Dad.”
“Wizard’s the reason you fuckin’ left in the first place.” He rakes his hands through his hair.
I gasp. Had I been that transparent? “But it was right, Dad. I was too young, and Drew put the club first. You should understand that.”
I notice the room’s gone quiet, and even the music has been turned down. I view everyone looking on, the main expressions are bemusement and surprise—it’s not an everyday occurrence that the prez takes an old lady. Even more not so, that said old lady’s dad threatens his president.
Dad’s moved his gaze to the man behind me. “You’re serious, Wizard? Have you thought about this?”
“I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack.”
“And a heart attack is exactly what you’ll be getting if you hurt Amy.” Drummer steps up. “You may have taken my place, but I’ll still order a beatdown, and I’ll have brothers at my back who’ll jump to comply.”
“If I hurt her, I’ll deserve it,” Drew replies earnestly and sounding unconcerned. Then he nuzzles my neck and places a kiss there.
“We’re giving it a month,” I say quickly to Dad, trying to reassure him. “I’ve got to go back to Phoenix and close that chapter of my life.”
“You’re not claiming her?”
“I’d claim her now, but she’s not ready.”
As Drew’s deep voice booms close to my ear, I can feel the vibrations. What woman wouldn’t want to be claimed by a man she’s loved all her life? Perhaps I should admit that I am ready.
Amy's Santa: Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #1 Page 12