by Jaclyn Quinn
Without another word, Avery stormed out of the dining room and across the marble foyer to the front door.
“Avery, wait,” his mother said from behind him. When she added, “Please,” he slowed down and faced her.
“I won’t let him disrespect Jake and Eli. He has no idea what they’ve been through.” His voice cracked and his jaw tensed. He flexed his trembling fingers and tried to keep his voice even, yet he was screaming within.
“I know…I…” She took his hand and softly said, “Kevin was a good man; I have no doubt that his brother is equally as good. He’s an honorable man for taking in his nephews; a kindness I know you would do for your nephews, no matter how misbehaved they are.” Avery was in shock. When Kevin had died, Avery’s parents had sent a generous flower arrangement, but they’d never really spoken of it with him, even though he’d been dying inside. “I just want you to know, I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.” She remembered. Avery could feel the wetness line his eyes. He had to get out of there before his brother was witness to another perceived weakness of Avery’s.
“Thank you,” he whispered and leaned down to softly kiss her cheek.
It took him an hour to get back to Brighton Pier, but instead of going home, he found himself driving through open wrought iron gates. He parked next to a spot he hadn’t been to in a year. Immediately, he cursed himself for not thinking to stop for flowers first, but he’d been on autopilot.
It took him a second to get out of the car and make his way over to the row where Kevin and Maggie were. The second he saw their side-by-side gravestones, emotions overtook him. His vision was completely blurry by the time he was in front of the stone markers. Avery wiped the wetness from his cheeks.
“I miss you guys. I miss you so much.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “You should know, Dylan and Nick are living the life you both wanted for them. Jake…he’s amazing with them. And Eli—I’m sure you know somehow that Jake and Eli are together—Eli loves them just as much as Jake does.” He hung his head, pressing his thumb and forefinger in the inner corner of his eyes. “Just as much as I do,” he whispered.
Slowly, he lifted his head and took a deep breath. “From the first day we met, you guys have been my family. You always will be.” Avery realized Dylan and Nick always would be, too. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he needed to be a part of their lives.
Whether or not Ryder wanted to be part of his.
Ryder rubbed his clammy hands on his thighs as soon as he got inside Novak and Eli’s house. He hadn’t seen his friends all day but figured they’d needed some time alone this morning with the boys.
He had no idea why he was so fucking nervous. Avery’s car wasn’t outside, so he hadn’t gotten there yet. Ryder had to admit, it hit a nerve when Avery hadn’t come to Sunday dinner the weekend before. The talk with Parker last Saturday night had really cleared some of the fog, and Ryder had been anxious to see Avery the next day. But Avery hadn’t shown, and it was Ryder’s fault.
He’d ignored Avery for a goddamn week. What did he expect? That the guy would just forgive him? There was a part of him that he wanted to bury so fucking deep; the part that said Avery would never look at him the same way again. Avery knew things about him that no one else did. Things that threatened to show their true colors more and more lately—after he’d worked so hard to paint them into darkness.
Ryder took one more second to get control of his emotions. He needed to be there for his friend today; Novak shouldn’t have to deal with his shit.
“Hi, Ryder,” a small voice said from behind him.
Ryder turned around and smiled. “Hey, kid. Where’s your uncle?”
“In the kitchen helping Nina.” Dylan was a really cool kid. He was one of those kids you couldn’t help but like the second you met them. Ryder would never forget the way Dylan had welcomed him into the family like it was given. As if, because he was best friends with his uncle, that automatically made Ryder a part of their family, too.
But Dylan didn’t seem to be as carefree as he normally was. No doubt, the kid was thinking of his parents. The somber feeling in the house was one Ryder remembered all too well from last year. It wasn’t as heavy, but it was there.
Ryder followed Dylan into the kitchen and found Novak, Eli, and Nina all doing things at the counter.
“Ryder!” He looked in the direction of the table and found Chris and Nick. Relief always flashed across Chris’s face as soon as he saw Ryder. It had been weird for Ryder at first, but damned if he wasn’t getting used to it.
“Hey. Whatcha doin’ there?”
“Nina said me and Nick could put the garlic bread in the basket as long as we don’t touch the hot pan.” Chris grinned ear to ear, so proud of himself that he was trusted with a job. He was coming out of his shell more and more every day, and every day that went by, Ryder prayed the state wouldn’t take all that away from him. It was a fucked-up wish for the state not to find blood relatives of Chris’s; the kid should have a stable home. Ryder just doubted that a home like that existed outside of this family. He’d never witnessed it before they all came into his life.
The front door opened and closed, and Ryder’s heart tried to Muhammad Ali its way right out of his fucking chest. He watched the doorway to the kitchen but felt a pang of disappointment when Kenz and Parker came through.
“Okay. I think we’re all here. Everyone can take something to the table,” Nina announced.
Wait… “Avery’s not here yet.” The words were out of his mouth so fast, he’d hardly had time to think about them.
Novak and Eli shared another one of those damn looks only they could decipher. When Ryder scanned the room, he realized everyone else was looking at him.
“Avery’s not coming,” Eli finally said.
Ryder swallowed hard, trying to understand what Eli meant. “What do you mean he’s not coming? There’s no way he wouldn’t be here today.” Avery would never miss the family dinner on the anniversary of Kevin and Maggie’s deaths.
“He was here today,” Novak supplied. “He came earlier.”
The ringing in his ears drowned out everything else in the room. Did Avery despise him that much that he wouldn’t come to dinner on such an important night? Jesus Christ, this was all his fault. “I didn’t realize he hated me that much,” he said softly. He was about to turn and head to the bathroom when Chris’s words had him stopping in his tracks.
“Avery doesn’t hate you; he’s just…sad.” Chris shrugged. “Maybe he’s having one of those days, you know? Like you told me you have sometimes.” Chris followed Nick and Dylan out of the kitchen, leaving just the adults.
Heat flooded Ryder’s face as he glanced around the room. This all-eyes-on-him shit was making him sweat. Parker, Kenz…all of them…studying him like they were waiting for his next move.
“He’s right, honey; he doesn’t hate you. Not at all. In fact, he’s staying away because…” She hesitated until Novak gave her a nod. “He doesn’t want to upset you.”
“Me? He’s the one who’s gotta be hurting today. Why would he…?”
Nina walked across the kitchen and placed both hands on his face. “Because he cares about you, and you’re right. He is hurting today.”
“Shit.” What the hell was Avery thinking? A mix of emotions swirled like a tornado in Ryder’s mind, and the only one he could pin down without a doubt was want. Ryder wanted Avery there. He wanted Avery, full stop. Oh yeah, and there was frustration, because seriously…what the hell was Avery thinking? Ryder looked down at Nina, his mouth open.
“Go. We’ll keep everything warm.” Nina’s eyes lit up.
Ryder kissed the top of her head and went toward the door when he had a thought. “Do you guys know the code for the parking garage at his place?”
Eli walked to the counter and wrote something down on a small piece of paper. He handed the paper to Ryder and smirked. “Something tells me you already know which condo he lives in?”
Ryder la
ughed and his mind replayed that night out on Avery’s balcony…his taste, his smell. The way his cock felt in Avery’s mouth…Eddy—
“I have never been so happy not to know what the hell you’re thinking.” Kenz shivered.
“Whatever it was, it wasn’t PG,” Parker joked. “You should see your face right now.”
“PG isn’t in my vocabulary,” Ryder shot back, and for the first time in weeks, he felt more like himself.
“Aw, there’s the asshat I know and love.” Kenz held a hand to her heart and gave him an overly exaggerated smile.
Ryder snorted then headed for the front door, hearing the snickers of his friends behind him. “You all think you’re so funny,” he said over his shoulder but couldn’t contain the cheesy grin forming. These people were his family.
They were also Avery’s, and Ryder was going to make sure he understood that.
Ryder caught the elevator with another resident of the building and took it up to the tenth floor. He’d seen Avery’s car in the garage, so he knew he was home. Jesus, he was so fucking nervous, and he had no idea why. Even if Avery rejected him, they were both adult enough to be around each other—especially on days like today—and not make things difficult for the rest of the family.
He dropped his gaze and smiled as he waited for the elevator doors to open. Man, he wished he could tell twelve-year-old Ryder that things would get better. That he would have people who gave a shit about him one day. His smile faded as he thought, maybe it would have made those moments of hell easier to bear.
When the elevator stopped on Avery’s floor, Ryder geared himself up. Hopefully, Avery wouldn’t give him a hard time, but Ryder was prepared to handle any excuse the guy threw at him. He would not be the reason Dylan and Nick’s uncle pulled away.
He walked down the hall, exhaled loudly, and knocked on the door. He stood there and waited, but when Avery didn’t open the door, he tried again.
Seconds passed and no answer, but he wasn’t leaving here without Avery. What if he’s with someone else? Ryder pushed that paranoid thought aside and tried the door knob. When it turned, Ryder pushed it open slowly and looked around.
Avery was standing out on the balcony, hands gripping the railing, shoulders and head slumped. Ryder couldn’t ignore the way his pulse sped up at just the sight of the guy. He hadn’t seen him in two weeks: first because he was so damn confused and embarrassed, and then because he thought Avery hated him. Seeing the man now, Ryder didn’t know how he’d ever thought pushing this man out of his life was the right thing to do.
Ryder closed the door softly and walked over to the open sliding glass doors. He’d only been here one other time, and they’d already christened the balcony. That night had been so fucking hot—until he’d ruined it.
He figured it wasn’t smart to scare the guy while he was near a balcony railing, so Ryder knocked on the open glass door.
Avery whipped his head around, his mouth hanging open in surprise. “Ryder. What are you doing here?”
Two things became abundantly clear as soon as they made eye contact. One, Avery was most definitely hurting, and two, Ryder felt this sense of calmness wash over him the second their eyes met. A rightness he’d never felt before.
“You didn’t come to dinner,” Ryder responded lamely. That’s not what you wanted to say. “You should be there.”
“I…” Avery rubbed the back of his neck, his brows drawing together, and then he quickly looked back at the ocean. Silence stretched between them until finally Avery said, “You completely shut me out.”
“I did, and I’m sorry. It was a shitty thing to do.”
“Yeah, it was.” He still didn’t turn to look at Ryder. “I get why you needed space”—he exhaled heavily—“but to shut me out completely…I felt so damn guilty. I didn’t mean to push you too hard; that wasn’t my intention. Deciding to talk to someone is one hundred percent your decision. But if this—whatever it is between us—isn’t something you want…” Avery shook his head before letting it fall forward as if completely defeated.
Ryder approached him, and when he was standing behind Avery, he had the urge to wrap his arms around his waist, but he hesitated. “Avery, you didn’t do anything wrong. I have no idea how to do any of this. I’m such an ass.” He took a deep breath and gave in to his impulse, wrapping his arms around Avery from behind and kissing his shoulder blade. “This okay?”
Avery sucked in a breath. “Yeah, of course it is, but—”
Using his hold on Avery’s waist, Ryder turned the man around. This was the part he wasn’t good at, but he was determined to try…for himself…for the man in front of him. “I’m really sorry, Avery.”
Avery closed his eyes. “I know. I’m sorry, too.” He opened those blue eyes again. “If you want to go back to the way things were, I get it. You don’t have to—” Ryder could’ve silenced Avery with words or a hand covering his mouth, but where was the fun in that?
So, he kissed him for the first time in two weeks. And it felt fucking amazing.
That’s when Ryder knew Avery was full of it; he wouldn’t be okay going back to the way things were because holy shit did Avery kiss him back. The fact that the horrible things Ryder had told him didn’t have Avery pulling away made Ryder realize he didn’t want things to go back to the way they were, either. Instead of feeling invisible, he felt invincible. They stood there, tasting each other; Ryder was seconds away from suggesting a repeat performance of the night they’d had out here—minus the total freak out.
Reluctantly, he pulled away, knowing there was a houseful of people waiting for them. “We need to talk, but right now, we’ve got everyone waiting on us to get back over there for dinner.”
“You all didn’t eat yet?” Avery asked, dropping his hands to his sides as he took a step back. He was clearly giving Ryder space, and Ryder was both grateful and disappointed.
“We’re not eating without you. The whole family should be there.” Ryder’s eyes shifted away, but a smile pulled at his lips. “That is so damn strange for me to say,”—he looked back at Avery—“but I love it, ya know?”
Avery hung his head and chuckled. “Yeah, I know. Being with my family yesterday, it was never so painfully obvious what was lacking from our relationship.”
Ryder cringed. “That bad, huh?”
“Pretty damn bad, yeah.” He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept in days. Ryder could completely relate to that. He hadn’t been able to get Avery out of his mind; couldn’t stop replaying all the things he’d said to him in Avery’s car.
It had been weird as hell to wish Avery was there with him, in his bed, after his reaction the last time they were together. Somehow, though, it gave Ryder hope that he could get over this hurdle.
Because he wanted that—Avery in bed next to him for the entire night. Being able to reach for him whenever the hell he wanted. Parker was right; Avery was different than any person Ryder had ever been with. It still terrified the fuck out of him, but if Avery was the guy he wanted then he needed to make it happen.
“Come on. Let’s go before Nina comes after us both.” Ryder turned to go back inside, stopping when Avery grabbed his hand.
“Will you come back with me after so we can talk? Or we can go to your place? I don’t care which one, I just—”
“Yeah, uh…” He’d had a lot of time to think about how he was going to get over whatever aversion he had to being close to someone after sex. The only possible solution he came up with was to start off slow, in his own bed, in his own space. “My place, okay?”
Relief flooded Avery’s face; he seemed to hesitate at first, but then he leaned down and kissed Ryder again. Man, it was so easy to get lost in Avery. He wanted Avery to get lost in him. Deep inside him in a way he never thought Avery would be with him but now was within reach.
Ryder pulled back, drawing in deep breaths, his lips still lingering against Avery’s. “Screw dinner. I don’t need to eat.”
Avery laughed, the
short puff of air warm against Ryder’s mouth. “Dinner first. Everyone’s waiting.” He pecked another soft kiss on Ryder’s lips then stepped back.
“Ugh. Fine.” Ryder headed toward the door and muttered, “This only-fucking-one-person shit is making me cranky as hell. Ask the guys; they’ll tell you. Two damn weeks and Eddy is not happy.” He opened the door to the hall, but when he held it open for Avery, he realized the guy had stopped in the middle of the living room. “What’s wrong?”
Intense blue eyes held Ryder where he stood, making it impossible to look away. That stare caressed his skin; he wanted to feel it all over his body.
“You weren’t with anyone else?”
That question stung a little, until he remembered that he’d attempted to do that very thing. “Not gonna lie…I went out last Saturday night determined to go back to the way things were, but it didn’t feel right anymore.” Avery started taking slow, measured steps toward him; the muscles in his jaw flexed, and those gorgeous eyes were so penetrating, Ryder felt like they could see every thought he had, see his pulse beating out of control. “They were the wrong height or smelled wrong or had the wrong color hair. They weren’t you. How’s that for fucking honesty?” That may have been the cheesiest thing he’d ever said—
Avery swooped in and crashed his mouth down on Ryder’s, pushing him back against the open door. He molded their bodies together, pressing their erections against each other, and it felt so good. Avery slid his tongue into Ryder’s mouth while skimming his hands down Ryder’s sides and to the front of his jeans.
Ryder’s eyes popped open when the button on his jeans did but fluttered closed again on a sigh when Avery’s hand slipped into the waistband of his boxer briefs. He let out some needy sound he was helpless to stop and groaned when Avery dropped to his knees.
“Holy shit, we’re halfway into the hall.” He tilted his head back, banging it against the door when Avery took him into his mouth. “Your neighbors could come out at any mome—oh, fuck…yup, don’t care.”