by Jaclyn Quinn
That statement shot straight to Avery’s heart. Chris already felt like a part of their family in such a short period of time. But his next words were what hit him the hardest. “Do you want to have kids Avery?” Chris’s eyes were so earnest as he waited for Avery to reply.
“Uh…yeah. Yeah, I do. At least, I always thought I would.” Avery gripped the back of his neck. How did they get here? This conversation was getting heavier by the second, but he’d told Chris they could talk about anything, and he’d meant it.
“With Ryder?”
Well, damn… “Ryder and I are still pretty new; we haven’t talked about anything like that.” He almost added yet, but that really felt like jumping the gun. Would Ryder want that with him? Raise a family, the whole nine yards?
Chris picked his taco up, but before he took a bite, he said, “Gram raised me all by herself. Why can’t you be a dad by yourself?” He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and was quiet for a moment. “I think you’d be a good dad,” he finally said, so softly Avery almost missed it.
There was that ache in his chest again. Avery stared at the boy in front of him—the one in need of a family—and thought over Chris’s words. Words that were spoken so casually but held a monumental amount of weight. Why can’t you be a dad by yourself? Why couldn’t he? The wheels were spinning, but Avery felt like this wasn’t the place to drive those thoughts. This was way bigger than a heart-to-heart in the middle of Surf Taco.
“Why don’t you tell me about your grandma? Sometimes talking about the people we’ve lost makes them feel closer to us.”
“Okay, um…green was her favorite color.” He thought for a second. “She made really good meatloaf…” As Avery listened to Chris, he still couldn’t take his mind off the possibilities swirling in his head and made a mental note to talk to Phyllis the next day at the office.
“I sense something is going on, since you never come to visit us in the afternoon.” Nina placed a plate with cold cuts down on the table while Stan handed Avery a plate with an open hard roll on it. He didn’t think there was ever a time that he’d come to their house and wasn’t given food of some kind.
“Thanks,” he said, taking the plate. “You sense correctly, as usual, Nina.” Avery chuckled and began building his sandwich. “I wanted to get your opinion on something…well, something pretty big, which also concerns the two of you.”
“Oh? What’s going on, honey?” Nina sat down, now completely concerned.
“It’s nothing bad,” he said, reassuring her, and she settled back in her seat. Avery stopped what he was doing and sat back, looking at both of his friends. “Do you think you can care for Chris for at least another two months?”
Nina looked at Stan and he gave her a subtle nod before he said, “Yes, I think we could. We’ve both been concerned about what’s going to happen with him now. Have you heard anything?”
“No, but…DCPP told me it would take about that long for me to become licensed.” He waited for that to sink in and saw Nina catch on first.
Nina grasped his hand, surprise all over her face. “You’ve decided to go through with becoming a foster parent?”
“No…” Avery paused, seeing the confused look Nina and Stan shared. “Adoption.”
Nina sucked in a breath, her eyes immediately filling with tears. She put her hand over her mouth as the first tear fell. “Adopt Chris?”
Avery put his hands up, not wanting Nina to get too ahead of herself. “I still have to work it all out. Most importantly, I need to talk to Ryder and get his take on all this. I’ll have to complete a home study. I’m not even sure how Chris will feel about it, but if he’s on board, DCPP should take his wishes into consideration because of his age.”
She wiped a tear from her cheek using her napkin. “Of course, Chris will be on board. He’s become so attached to you and Ryder.”
“Ryder, yes…but I’m not so sure about me.” Avery knew he was getting attached to Chris, though. The boy had such a big heart; all he wanted was to know he belonged someplace. He didn’t want to feel alone anymore, and Avery could do that for him.
“Oh, honey, tell me you can’t see how his face lights up when either one of you come over? In the beginning, yes, Ryder was the only one he trusted. So much has changed since then. He’s changed since then.”
“I think you and Ryder have, too,” Stan added.
Avery huffed out a laugh. “I know I have. I’d say it’s amazing how much has happened in just under two months, but we all know life can change in an instant. Somehow, I’ve found myself crazy about a man who drives me crazy and considering adoption.”
Nina covered her mouth again, another tear falling. “I knew it. I knew you two belong together.”
Avery put up his hand again. “I have no idea if he feels the same way.” Avery hadn’t said the words to Ryder again after the other night. It wasn’t easy when Ryder hadn’t returned the feelings, even though Avery had known full well he wouldn’t. But what Avery had said a minute ago was the reason he didn’t want to fight it anymore—life could change in an instant, and he needed to start living it.
When he’d woken up the morning after he’d told Ryder he was falling for him, and found Ryder wrapped around him for the first time, the feeling that had washed over Avery was intense. It was like another layer had been peeled away, and Ryder had been subconsciously saying how much he trusted Avery. That would have to be enough for now.
Nina looked at him sympathetically. “Give him time, honey.”
“I still have to talk to him about Chris. I’m going to do it tonight, I think. I can’t mention anything to Chris until I know for sure…”
“Know what for sure?”
“How Ryder will react to all this. On one hand, I want him to be a part of my life and a part of Chris’s life, but”—he exhaled heavily—“if he doesn’t want the same thing, then what the hell are we doing? I’ll be right back where I started, and that’s the last thing I want.
“In the back of my mind, though, I know this is all moving really fast. Expecting Ryder to change his whole life for me is a bit much, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if Chris was taken and put with another family. And deep down, I don’t think that’s what Ryder wants either, but that doesn’t mean he’ll want to take on this new role with me. I’ll just have to be okay with it, whatever he decides.”
Nina took Avery’s hand. “You’re a good man. Have I ever told you that?”
Avery smiled and squeezed her hand back, remembering saying those very words to his father. It was nice to hear it from someone he loved. “Thanks, Nina.” Question was, was he good enough to take a twelve-year-old in and convince a skittish man that he belonged with them?
You’re a lawyer. Make it happen.
“Why the hell do you look so serious? You’ve been acting weird since I got here.” Ryder sat at Avery’s breakfast bar with a beer in front of him. As soon as Ryder had walked in the door ten minutes ago, he’d known something was wrong, but he had no idea what Avery was gearing up to say. It was a little unnerving. Maybe he’s finally realized he’s too good for me. Could he break up with him even though they’d never said they were exclusive? And damn, why did that thought hurt so bad?
Avery turned around and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “Sorry, I guess I’m a little distracted.” He lifted one hand, rubbing the light dusting of dark blond hair on his chin. “There’s something I need to talk to you about, and quite honestly, I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about it.”
“Just spit it out.” Ryder scrunched his face. “I don’t think I’ve ever said those words to someone.”
Avery chuckled. “I’m sure you haven’t.” His face grew serious again. “Where do you see this going? Whatever this is, between us?”
“Whoa…” Okay…so he is going to end things. Great. “I’m not sure what the right answer to that is.”
Avery sighed, shaking his head. “The right
answer is the one that comes to you first.”
Ryder looked down at his beer bottle, spinning it with his fingers. “Well, then…I guess the answer is, I have no idea.” It didn’t look like that was what Avery wanted to hear. “Why do we have to decide now? Can’t we just see what happens?” He didn’t want to end things, that was for damn sure, but that didn’t mean he knew where this was going. Hell, he’d never made it to the next morning with someone before, never mind two months.
Avery took a swig of his beer and absently turned his gaze to the other side of the kitchen. “I’ve been giving something a lot of thought the past few days. Something that’s going to change everything.”
“Can you stop being so vague and tell me whatever the hell it is? You’re making me nervous.” Ryder’s leg was bouncing on the rung of the stool he was sitting on.
Avery turned back to him and asked, “Would you ever be with a single dad?” It only served to make Ryder even more confused.
A single dad? “Are you pregnant?” Okay, logically Ryder knew that was impossible, but what the hell was Avery talking about?
Avery snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yes, and it’s yours, dumbass.” He crossed the kitchen and stood on the other side of the counter across from Ryder. He stared at him for what felt like forever before saying, “I want to adopt Chris.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I just…can’t see a reason not to. He already feels like a part of the family, I have the space and the means to, and I’ve always wanted to be a dad.” Relief and gratitude swept over Ryder, quickly smothered by unexplainable panic. “I’ve grown attached to him in such a short period of time. The thought of them placing him with another family just doesn’t feel right.”
“Wow. I mean…I don’t know what to say.” He released a shuddering breath. Chris is gonna be okay. Avery is making sure Chris is gonna be okay. The amount of gratitude he had for the man in front of him was immeasurable. Ryder cleared his throat, trying to get his emotions under control. Avery taking on something so considerable shouldn’t be something that shocked Ryder, but this would change Avery’s whole life. Yet, Ryder couldn’t help but realize that Avery being a single dad meant he already didn’t expect Ryder to be on board.
“Say you’ll stay.” Avery stared at Ryder, and the weight of that statement wasn’t one Ryder was prepared for.
He tried to take a deep breath and—nope, definitely can’t breathe. “Stay? Stay, like how stay?” Ryder’s mind was racing as fast as his heart because if Avery meant what Ryder thought he meant—holy shit. He’d just been annoyed that Avery referred to himself as a possible single dad, and now he was flipping the fuck out over the meaning of one damn word.
Ryder stood, almost tripping on the leg of the stool. He saw the crushing sadness in Avery’s eyes, but it was overshadowed by his own anxiety. The fact that he was a bottomless pit of contradictions didn’t escape him, either.
Avery put his hands up. “I know this is a lot to take in. Can you just calm the hell down, please? Jesus, I’m not asking you to marry me.”
“What the hell are you asking?”
Avery crossed the room but stopped a foot away from Ryder and put his hands in his pockets. The distance between them didn’t sit well with Ryder. “I know you’ve never considered adopting a child, but I don’t want to give you an ultimatum, either. I’m telling you I want you to stay. I want you around. I know things are going to change, but I also know you’re capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
“Yeah, but adopting a kid”—Ryder ran a hand through his hair—“is not something I’m capable of. You know that, right? Please tell me you know that.”
Avery hung his head, but when he raised his eyes back up, they were brimming with anger. “One of these days you’re going to stop shitting on what you’re worth. I could tell you until I’m blue in the face that you’re worth so much more or that you’re capable of anything, including being a dad, if that’s what you wanted. It won’t matter how many times I say it; you need to believe it on your own.”
Avery took a step so there was only a few inches between him and Ryder. “What I am saying, though, is I want you in my life. I want you in Chris’s life. I trust you to be in Chris’s life, but I can’t make you trust yourself.”
He raised his hands on either side of Ryder’s neck; as usual, that one touch soothed Ryder. “I know how much you care about him; you can’t deny it after the way you’ve fought for him since his grandma died.”
“But—”
“I also know I caught you off guard when I said I was falling for you, but I won’t take it back. We haven’t been together all that long, haven’t labeled what this is between us. All I’m asking is that you give us a chance. Chris is old enough to understand if things don’t work out romantically between us, but he won’t understand if our family falls apart. Because if I go through with this, he’ll officially be a part of our family.
“But I don’t need you to want to adopt Chris. You don’t have to for us to be happy. Jesus Christ I’m rambling and scaring the shit out of you, aren’t I?” Avery released Ryder then moved to the couch and leaned on the back of it.
“Kind of, yeah.” More than kind of. Ryder’s palms were clammy, his pulse was pounding, his head was spinning, and there was a good chance he was sweating right through his fucking shirt.
“The timing is shit; I get that. It doesn’t change what I want, though.”
“Have you talked to Chris?”
Avery sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “No. I wanted to talk to you first, and I need to talk to his caseworker. I did talk to Nina and Stan because this involves them. It could take two months for me to complete a home study, and that’s if I get the process started immediately. I’ll need them to keep Chris until then.”
“Wow,” Ryder whispered. “So, this is really happening.” He didn’t bother making that a question. He knew Avery, and there was no doubt that Avery’s mind was made up. This was happening; Chris was going to get the forever home Ryder had never had but had always wanted.
Avery nodded. “I don’t foresee there being an issue. The caseworker already knows me, and Chris is old enough to tell a judge what he wants…if this is what he wants.”
Ryder moved in front of Avery. “Are you kidding? Of course he’ll want it. Avery, you…” Ryder shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat, embarrassed how his voice had cracked. “You’re so fucking amazing. Chris is so damn lucky to have you.” He leaned his forehead on Avery’s, feeling the tears coming and hating it. “Anybody would be…”
“But…?”
“But this is a lot to take in,” he answered softly.
Avery wrapped his arms around Ryder’s waist. “I know it is,” he whispered back. “But you know me; I don’t make hasty decisions. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and two things are completely clear to me: I want to adopt Chris, and I want you. I’m done waiting for life to find me.” He stared penetratingly into Ryder’s eyes; so deep Ryder was sure he could see all the fears swirling around inside him. “It’s time I start living my life for me.”
Ryder let out a soft laugh. “Well played.”
Avery chuckled. “I thought it was a nice touch, and I figured you could use the reminder.”
It had been Ryder’s motto since he was eighteen, and suddenly it seemed practically impossible to follow. For the first time in a long time, he had no idea what living his life for himself involved.
But he had a feeling it included Avery, and now, possibly Chris.
“I’m so nervous. Why am I so damn nervous?” Avery wiped his hands on his thighs as he sat on Nina and Stan’s couch.
“Because it’s a big fucking deal.”
Avery glanced over at Ryder and smiled. “Thank you for being here with me.” He needed Ryder by his side on this one. The talk they’d had a few days ago had started out rocky, but ultimately, Ryder came around. He wasn’t adopting Chris, but he was
going to stand by Avery’s side. Right now, he couldn’t ask for more.
“No place I’d rather be.” Ryder ran his fingers through Avery’s hair right above the nape of his neck.
After talking with JoAnn, Chris’s caseworker, Avery had gotten the ball rolling on the application and extensive background checks. It was slightly presumptuous, considering he hadn’t talked to Chris yet, but the faster the application was approved, the sooner he’d be able to begin the home study.
Avery gave Nina a slight nod, and she yelled up the stairs for Chris to come down. Now or never.
“What’s up, Nina?” Chris asked as he walked into the living room, and just like Nina had said, his face lit up when he saw Avery and Ryder sitting on the couch. “Hey, I didn’t know you guys were here.”
“Chris, honey, can you sit for a minute?” Nina pointed to the chair next to her. Chris’s face suddenly twisted with fear.
“Wh-what’s going on?” He hesitantly walked to the chair and sat down, but there was no mistaking the tremble in his hands as he placed them on his lap.
“It’s nothing bad.” Avery looked at Ryder, getting a smile of encouragement in return, then turned back to Chris. “Chris, how would you feel about being a permanent part of our family?”
Chris’s brown eyes widened. He looked at Nina and then back at Avery. “Permanent like forever?” His head whipped to the left again, looking at Nina. “Am I staying with you?”
Man, that had Avery’s pulse racing. What if finding out that it was Avery who wanted to adopt him wasn’t what Chris wanted? He honestly thought it would break his heart at this point.
Avery cleared his throat. “No, you wouldn’t stay here with Nina and Stan. I, uh…well, I was thinking you could come live with me. As in…I’d adopt you.” Chris’s head dropped, his shoulders shaking, and a soft sob broke free. Shit. This isn’t good. “You have a say in all this, Chris. I would never make you do something you don’t want to.” Panicked, Avery looked at Nina, seeing her concern then felt Ryder squeeze his hand. “I just thought… I thought maybe you’d—”