by Emilia Finn
Eleusis, indeed. Secret rules equal chaos, and the winner – the most fucking stubborn.
You’re not allowed to lie, Will!! But also, this is my pussy-ass boyfriend Brenten. I want to fuck you, but please, let’s not tell anyone about it. That way, I can remain perfect, and you, the one preying on innocence. Let’s not tell my daddy, because I would hate to shatter the illusion of perfection that everyone has of me.
I swear I’m trying not to sound bitter.
Do I sound bitter?
Bobby asked why I snapped my pen just now.
I said it was because Conners fucking annoy me.
He agreed, Conners are annoying.
I think he knows I’m writing a letter.
So… How’s Ben? I know you’re just fifty or so feet from where I sit right now, tending to the Sasquatch and the injuries I caused him.
Does he admit I’m the fucking best yet?
This fight is about six years overdue, and until recently, I’ve been either walking away, or pulling my shots, all because of how I felt about you. But ya know what? Conners fucking suck, so fuck you, fuck him, and I would say fuck your mother too, but I actually like her, so it’s lucky she married and changed that name.
Did you know there’s this other chick in the gym – Andi. Word on the street is that she was a Conner too. She looks like you and your mom, and her attitude is like Olivia 2.0, but louder, and less concerned with her image of perfection. She’s married to the bionic guy, and when word got out that I broke your heart – a fallacy, I’ll have you know, since I’m the one whose heart fucking hurts – the one-legged guy had to hold her down before she ripped my eyeballs out.
Did she tear his leg off in a fit of rage? Is that how that happened? Because I’m just saying; not surprised.
Fucking Conners need anger management classes.
Nope. I’m not bitter at all!
Bobby is telling me to get up. It’s time, he said. Time to go back.
Which means I need to finish this letter.
I should end it with something poetic, right? Something sweet.
Nah. How about fuck you, Olivia. Literally, or figuratively; it’s your call. It always has been.
I still love you, which is an annoying habit of mine. I haven’t gotten laid in for-fucking-ever, and I’m not much into the cheating scene. So, if you were to get a little thirsty anytime soon, you could throw me a bone. I wouldn’t even say “I told you so” … well, I will, possibly even while we’re fucking. But hell, if you’re allowed to be proud, then so am I.
I’m not bitter!
Bobby’s getting’ grumpy, so I have to go.
I probably should have iced my hand during this time, rather than pen a letter, but whatever. I’m gonna come out the winner in the end anyway.
Love you, Olivia.
Always.
William.
Olivia
Make It Stop
“Ben!” I follow him and Daddy through the halls of the Rollin On Gym and try to grab at Ben’s sweaty shoulder. “Benjamin Conner! Stop it.”
He barks out a loud laugh and grabs Evie’s hand as we pass her and Wes in the hall. Ben pulls his wife into his side and presses a bloody kiss to her forehead, then he tickles Wes’ triple chin.
“Ben!”
“What?” he scowls. “What’s your problem?”
“Stop this!” I cry out. “You’re bleeding! You’re hurt, and you’re…” I clench my hands and almost tear at my own face in frustration. “You’re smiling!”
“I’m smiling because this is a bunch of fun. Buck up, Livi. You knew this was coming.”
“You’re bleeding!” I grab on to his shorts as he and Evie continue toward the octagon in the center of a crowded training room. “Ben! I said this is unacceptable!”
“Let it happen,” Evie says with a wide grin. She’s having way too much fun with today. Her fighter heart, the toddler inside her who was raised among fighters, is flying high on adrenaline. “It’s the way it has to be for this to be settled.”
“He is your husband!” I snap. “Why don’t you care that he’s bleeding?”
“Oh please,” she scoffs and stops at the door to the cage. Holding Wes on one hip, she reaches up and shoves Ben’s mouthguard into place with her other hand. “We all bleed sometimes. That’s the damn point, ain’t it?”
“No! It’s not. Blood is supposed to stay inside our bodies.”
“I bled when I gave birth to Wes,” she overshares. “Sometimes, to get a beautiful result, we have to bleed first.”
“My brother is fighting my ex-boyfriend!”
I scream out in frustration when Ben smacks a heavy kiss on Evie’s brow, then onto his son’s, then he bounces his way into the empty cage and brushes off every single thing I said.
I turn to Daddy and try again. “Make it stop, Daddy! This fight is unethical.”
“Fuck it is. Culo ate my brownies this week. We have a score to settle.”
“William ate your brownies, so you send Ben in to hurt him? What the hell is the matter with you?”
“No, Beauty.” He chuckles and pulls me under his arm. “Ben is the culo. Ben ate my brownies. Now he needs to bleed. And Will? Well, he broke your heart, so he needs to be roughed up too.”
“He didn’t break my heart! I broke his. I’m the monster.”
“Oh, I know.” He turns us to face Ben as he runs around the inside of the cage. “You’re proud, you’re struggling to come to grips with the fact you’re a hypocrite. That’s partly my fault, Beauty. I raised you in a tower, you were never told you were wrong or imperfect, so this one time you show your ass, you’re literally unequipped to admit fault and say sorry.”
“Wow,” I drawl. “Don’t cushion the blow or anything.”
“I have been,” he strokes a hand over the top of my hair and tugs on a ribbon I tied in this morning. “I’ve been cushioning for too long, so now you have to face reality. Life sucks, no one is perfect. I hate Will, but I think he kinda loves you, and now that I get to watch him daily and it turns out he’s not a drug dealer, I guess I’m kinda giving my blessing. The only thing missing is Ben’s.”
“Ben’s what?”
“Ben’s blessing. Hence,” he waves a hand toward the cage. “This is how we settle this stuff.”
“Daddy! No one asked for your damn blessing!”
He flashes a wide grin and turns when the noise in the room escalates, and William makes his way through the door with Bobby and Jamie close on his heels. William is wearing black and gold shorts that go to just an inch above his knees – one of which is still scarred from his run-in with the police a month or so back. His hair is sweaty, his face bloody. His shoulders are pumped full of adrenaline, and his walk takes on a distinct bounce that I know means he’s already in fight mode.
His blue eyes come to mine, catching me out as I stare back, and when he knows I’ve been caught, he grins.
“Beauty?”
“Mm?”
“He did,” Daddy whispers close by my ear.
“He did, what?”
“He asked for my blessing. He’s fighting for Ben’s. He wrote a letter asking for your mom’s. He’s doing all the right things. So after this, win or lose, I guess it’s all in your hands.”
William slows as he approaches the cage, stops right in front of me, and shows off a bloody grin when he smiles. I see his jaw, his bloodied teeth, the infuriating dimple in the middle of his chin. I even see the very tip of his nose, and the dark stubble that grows just beneath, but I don’t look up. I can’t. I refuse.
So instead, he ducks a little lower and forces our gazes to meet.
Dammit.
“Hey there, Olivia.”
“It’s okay to swallow your pride,” Daddy teasingly murmurs from my left. “We’re proud people, I know it stings, but it won’t actually kill you.”
“Shut up,” I hiss and try to push him away. “Stay out of it.”
“I can’t stay out of it,” h
e laughs. “I work with this pendejo. He’s always up in my space, and turns out, he knows hood-Spanish, so my entire plan of talking shit about him to feel good about myself went to hell. He ruined it, and he knows where the cookie stash is, so now I’m gonna need you to make a few decisions.”
“Daddy! Shut it.”
“Ooo-liv-ee-yahhhh,” William murmurs only inches away from my face, so I taste the gum on his breath, I feel the playfulness in his heart. “It’s okay to admit you’re wrong. I’ll still think you’re beautiful.”
“No,” I scowl. “I don’t wanna.”
He laughs and grabs my hand. Bringing it up between us, turning it over, and opening my palm, he slaps a letter down and scrunches my fist closed around it.
“I know you don’t, because you’re so fucking proud. And I’m still mad at you,” he teases. “I’m super fucking mad at your holier-than-thou act, because it ain’t fair, and I’ve been really fucking cold since you walked and stopped hugging me. Everyone expects you to be perfect, which means you expect yourself to be perfect. But that’s impossible. Nobody is flawless.”
“William, I c—”
“It’s okay to admit you were never truly angry at me,” he presses. “You’re angry at you, and you’re taking it out on me, because I’m an easy target, you know I’ll accept your tantrum, absorb it, and still love you.”
“William, stop—”
“You struggle to look within yourself and admit you’re not infallible. And what’s worse, you were hella attracted to the thug drug dealer. And it bothers the fuck out of you that everyone knows it.”
“Shut the hell up.” I shove the letter into my pocket. “I didn’t ask you for your opinion.”
“You came to me when I was everything your daddy was gonna send to prison.” He tilts his head in an obnoxious, faux show of sympathy. “Now I’m one of the good guys, and hell, but you don’t know what to do with that.”
“You’re making it weird.”
He snorts and grabs my hand again, despite my trying to fight him off. “You hold yourself to such high standards,” he insists. “This past year has been full of sneaky stuff, which is the antithesis to Olivia-the-princess-Conner. You’ve had your own little undercover stint going on that no one knew about, you helped Jules build a case against the douchebag with a small dick, you kinda cheated on him to be with me,” he looks to Daddy and grins. “We’ve hooked up.”
“You don’t say?” Daddy growls. “I’m gonna murder you and toss your body in a bear cave.” He reaches down to his hip as though to unclip a gun holster. “Watch what you boast about.”
William’s smiling eyes come back to mine. “You came to me, Olivia. And then you had to lie about it so you could pretend to be with Brayden.”
“Brandon,” I answer automatically. Only for my eyes to snap wider. “Brenten! I meant Brenten.”
William laughs and shakes his head. “It’s been a massive year for you. And because of that, you’ve been reminded over and over that you’re far from perfect. Despite what they tell you, you’re not only a doll made to look pretty.”
“Stop analyzing me.”
“Just say the words, and we can go back to being in love. You know you liked it.”
“The w—” I swallow and let my eyes scan across the crowd surrounding us. There must be a hundred people here, all of whom watched me grow up. They know I’m proud. And now they know I slept with William and lied about it. “What, um… what words?”
William slides a hand under my chin and tilts my head up until our eyes meet again. “Tell me you’re sorry for being mean.”
“William, I—”
“Tell me you’re sorry for claiming my lie about being undercover was unforgivable.”
“Will—”
“Tell me you trust me, because if you don’t, we’re already doomed.”
“William, stop—”
“Whirlpool or GE?”
“W–Huh?”
“Dishwasher brands. Do you have a preference, or will any do?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, when I’ve got a couple years on the job and X decides to retire, I’ve become aware that there’s an extra two dollars an hour when I become the chief.”
“Motherfucker,” Daddy barks out. “No chance in hell are you making your way to chief.”
William flashes a wide grin and stares into my eyes. “I’ll build you a white picket fence with my own hands. You already have a drill, so we’re covered there.”
“The hammock fell down,” I admit on a whisper. “Yesterday, I was swinging in it, and nearly fell to my death.”
He throws his head back and laughs so hard that I almost – almost – smile. “I’ll fix it for you. Just as soon as you say the words.”
“The words—”
“For fuck’s sake,” Evie grumbles. “You are not this dense, Livi. Say sorry for being proud!”
“But I w—” I shake my head. “I ca—”
“He promises to never ever everrrrrrr lie again,” Daddy croons. “He told me so.”
“I need you to say the words, Olivia.” William tugs on my chin and brings my gaze back to his. “Stop being proud. Say the words, and today’s fight ends. Say it, and we can go appliance shopping.”
“William, I—”
“No?” He releases my face so swiftly that my head drops forward, and I almost stumble, then he turns to the cage and makes his way inside.
“William!” I trip my way to the cage and grab on to the fence. “Don’t fight.”
He shrugs as the door closes, then runs a fast lap around the octagon. He smiles as he goes, pumps his arms, and just to be extra obnoxious, barks in Ben’s face as he passes.
“William!” I rattle the metal cage. “Please don’t do this. I don’t want you to fight my brother.”
“Alright, boys.” Jack Reilly steps inside the octagon and closes the door with a damning click. “Five-minute rounds, hands up, sneaky shots are allowed, no rules.”
“No rules?” I screech. “Jack! They’ll kill each other.”
Ben stops bouncing for a moment and looks to me with a crooked grin. “If he dies, he d—”
“I will kill you if you finish that sentence, Sasquatch.”
“Calm yourself,” Evie huffs beside me. “Damn Livi, why are you so uptight about this? We’ve had fight night in this gym a billion times. Most of the time, it’s without rules. Sometimes, it’s with cuffs tying one hand down. Nobody is gonna end up at the hospital.” Then she adds on a cough, “Insurance won’t cover these incidents anymore.”
“End this fight!” I snap so loud that even Jack turns to me with a lifted brow. “End it right now. I demand it.”
“Oh, her royal highness has spoken,” Evie drawls. “She demands it, y’all.”
“I’ll say the words!” I cry out. “William, I’m sorry!”
I swallow when he stops bouncing, when he turns to me, a sweaty mess, and no longer smiling.
“I’m sorry I’m a hypocrite.” I stare deep into his eyes and plead for the forgiveness I’m not sure I deserve. “I was a bitch,” I sigh. “I wanted to be with you, and even when I thought you were a bad person, I still wanted you. It was our dirty little secret, and it was fun being wild for a minute, since for my whole life, Ben and Daddy have had my wild on lockdown. I was drawn to you because of the letters we exchanged, I was already in love with you by the third. Then you ghosted me, and it hurt my feelings. Then you came back to town, and you weren’t ghosting me anymore. What we had was sneaky and fun, so I was planning to use you up and have a good time, then I was going to walk away, just like you did to me.”
I look to Daddy and feel guilty for the way his face has paled. Then to Ben, and grit my teeth at the rage I see in his eyes.
I look back to William. “I was self-righteous and mean, because I was attracted to you even though I was certain you made a career out of breaking the law. And then when I found out that you weren’t
bad, it was a moment for me when for just a second, a miniscule second, I was disappointed.”
“Livi!” Evie exclaims. “You naughty girl.”
“That lapse is surely a character flaw on my part,” I push on. “And it’s something I’ve had to look inside myself and analyze. That’s what I’ve been doing these last few weeks. And yeah, I’m proud, so it’s taking longer than I would hope, because while I swing in the damn hammock and try to get mad at myself, I remember something annoying about you.”
William barks out a laugh. “Of course you do.”
“It’s hard for me to accept I’m not perfect, okay? But I’m sorry. I’m telling you, in front of all of these gossips—”
“Hey now,” Evie bristles.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong, I’m not a bad person, but I’m not a good person either. I liked sneaking around with you, I liked that you weren’t cookie-cutter and perfect, and…” I sigh. “I love you. I don’t know that I’ve said the words out loud like that yet.”
“You haven’t.” William makes his way to the fence and kneels down in front of me. “You haven’t said the words like that yet.”
“I do. I love you. I’ve loved you since we were pen-pals, and when you left, I was really, really sad. But I don’t allow myself to be sad. Rather, I get even. So I tossed out the love, and snuggled up with the bitterness, so when you came back again, I was ready to show you who was in charge.”
“You sure showed me.” He smiles around his mouthguard and crouches closer. “I love you, Olivia.”
I step onto my tiptoes and come closer. “I love you too.”
“I want to be with you.”
I nod, and chew on my bottom lip in an effort to quell the tremble. “I want to be with you too.”
“Even though I wear a uniform to work every day?”
I choke out a tearful laugh. “I’ll get used to it.”
“We could probably revisit the naughty stuff. I have cuffs now.”
“Nope.” Ben runs at William, slamming him to the floor so fast that I manage nothing more than a squeak, then the fight has begun, and Jack skips out of the way as the guys roll.