by Cora Jay
And there seemed to be a lot. Harika could sense the depth of Ellie’s sexuality like she had her ear pressed up to the door of a large, hollow room. But she didn’t quite know what was inside it, and she wasn’t going to find out today. But that was okay. Knowing that it was there was good enough.
She pulled away from the kiss and tried to gauge Ellie’s reaction. She seemed like she was in a daze for a moment, licking her lips and fluttering her eyelids in a way that just made Harika want to press her up against the wall, right here, right now, and…
“Oh, that—that was—” Ellie stumbled.
“Nice?” Harika supplied.
“I-I guess so,” said Ellie, blushing a deep red. She looked down at the sidewalk. Harika could feel her heart thumping inside her, could practically see it through the fabric.
“I’ll see you again, Ellie,” said Harika softly, pulling herself away reluctantly and turning down the street.
“Y-Yeah,” said Ellie, finally getting her bearings and turning herself in the other direction. “I guess you will.”
Harika started on the walk home. That hadn’t been entirely unsuccessful. In fact, all things considered, it actually was a smashing success. She’d kissed Ellie, even though Ellie had mentioned an ex-boyfriend, and Ellie had kissed her back. And she hadn’t seemed totally freaked out when they left each other.
It looked like Harika got what she wanted, but now she knew she had to tread carefully. Ellie didn’t know much about her sexuality, that much was apparent. It was a little like being back in high school. Harika had been certain since she was an older child, about eleven or so, that she liked girls. It had been easier for her to realize it.
But in a world like this one, some people didn’t figure it out until much later. And some people continued to discover new things about their sexualities, even after being married for decades.
So Ellie was new to liking women. Harika normally didn’t like to get involved with ladies like that—she’d been hurt too often by being an experiment. But Ellie was different. She was like a plant that needed to be nurtured.
Harika wasn’t the kind of person who was drawn to people who had problems that needed to be fixed. But she was drawn to people like Ellie, who just needed someone to show them the way.
And Harika thought that with Ellie, maybe she could.
17
Ellie
The next day, Ellie woke up expecting to feel more settled about what had happened last night. But she didn’t. Harika had awoken something in her she simply couldn’t ignore, and it was going to consume her until she got to the bottom of it.
She’d had a comfortable little life ever since the break up, working on her business and caring for Bella. But if she really was interested in women… Now that was life changing. And it was becoming harder and harder to rationalize it away.
The fact of the matter was, she enjoyed the kiss. She hadn’t had so much to drink that she could blame it on the alcohol. She’d wanted to kiss Harika, deep down, and when the other woman had gone for it, she’d reciprocated. She’d let it linger. She’d wanted more.
So what was that, then? A cloud of labels floated in her brain. Was she bisexual? That made it sound like she liked women a whole lot more than she did… But how much was that, anyway? This could be start of an uncontrollable flood of feelings.
Then there were words like bicurious and heteroflexible, but they didn’t feel right, for whatever reason. They sounded like they were for people who were certain. In fact, that was the problem with all the labels, including questioning, damn it. They all sounded like they were for people who knew where they stood at any given point in time.
And yeah, Ellie sure as hell was questioning, but to ascribe it to herself as a label seemed like too much of a commitment.
But she was sure she wasn’t totally straight anymore, because if she was, she wouldn’t have wanted to see where that kiss led. Her brain was only too eager to supply fantasies of where it might lead, but she wasn’t ready for that, as tempting as they were. Indulging in those fantasies was like admitting to herself that she did want to get with Harika, did want to date her, have sex with her…
She couldn’t help how aroused she got when her brain got on that train of thought. The thought of running her hands over Harika’s smooth skin, of submitting to Harika’s gentle guidance… It was clear that the vet was a woman who got what she wanted, and if she wanted Ellie…
Ellie shuddered, but it was out of anticipation. If she followed that rabbit hole, where would it lead?
But right now, she had other things she had to deal with. Namely, her upcoming meeting with Aaron. He’d implied that he had “stuff” to deal with, and quite frankly, even though Ellie made a big show—to herself—of not caring what that stuff was, exactly, she was incredibly curious.
For several months after the break up, the thought of Aaron got her going. She remembered the times they’d spent in bed, and she remembered his body, how hard it was, how strong. But now, recalling those hot nights didn’t do anything for her. It was like Harika had swooped right in and turned her gay.
Nah, that was stupid. People didn’t get turned gay—that was a myth put out by people who wanted to spread misinformation. Harika had simply made Ellie realize that those feelings she’d had back in school were real.
She shook her head. She could deal with it later. Right now, she had to get drinks with Aaron. Only she hoped that he didn’t have the same definition of “drinks” that Harika did, or else she’d be in a mess.
She slipped her shoes on and patted her pockets to make sure she had everything, leashed Bella, and left with the dog, thinking that this was a banner week for social interaction. Maybe Bella would be happy to see her old co-owner as well.
She’d anticipated being nervous about meeting Aaron, but instead, she felt nothing. Her feelings for him had dissipated as she reeled from the pain of the break up, and while she’d still found him attractive, she’d had no desire to get back together with him. It would have been a moot point, anyway, since he’d crossed the country.
She found Aaron already sitting down at the outdoor bar—thank goodness—of a pub-like place, nursing a beer. It was perfect for dogs; she’d explained that she wanted to bring Bella and he’d agreed to find a suitable place.
He grinned when he saw Ellie and slipped off his sunglasses, which looked expensive. Everything about Aaron’s appearance was precise and fashionable and looked really expensive.
But he’d softened somewhat. He was wearing more casual shoes than he normally did, and he had a sport watch on instead of a fancy metal one.
New York had changed Aaron—Ellie could tell already—and she didn’t quite know what to think, or what to expect, from this new man.
“Hey,” Aaron said, smiling shyly.
Shy? That was never his style either. “Hey,” she replied. “Nice to see you again.”
“Yeah, same.” He looked down to greet Bella while he put in his drink order. From Ellie’s vantage point, it looked like Bella wasn’t particularly enthused to see Aaron. She lifted her head slightly to sniff Aaron’s hand, and blinked at Ellie, like she didn’t remember her former owner.
“Hey, girl,” said Aaron. “You miss me?”
Bella licked his hand dutifully, but it was like watching a child get hugged by an uncle she didn’t like much. But then, Bella had always preferred Ellie, so she wasn’t surprised. Aaron had been gone for a long time.
“Anyway, what’s up with you,” said Ellie, figuring she ought to get to the bottom of it immediately. “What brings you back to Redwood Crossing?”
He shrugged. “I got bored.”
“Bored?” She raised her eyebrows.
“Yeah. New York was not what I thought it would be.”
“How so?”
He looked away, a frown creasing his face. “I just… the people I worked with were crazy, my boss was crazy, the girls were crazy…”
Ellie didn’t expect to fe
el a sting when she heard about the girls. But she did. Maybe, even if she’d gotten over him, it’d hurt to hear about him moving on—even if she’d also moved on.
“So you’re moving back here?” Ellie asked. Even though she’d felt neutral before, the prospect of Aaron returning to Redwood Crossing… She didn’t know what she was feeling.
“Yep. I’m going to stay with my parents for a bit until I can find a place,” he said, looking back up at her.
“I wasn’t expecting to hear that. It seemed like you dropped off the face of the earth for a while there,” said Ellie.
“Yeah, sorry. I just… I just had to go,” he said lamely, shrugging.
“Sure.” Ellie took a long swig of beer. Between Aaron and recent developments with Harika, she was going to need a lot more of it.
“But whatever. I’ll figure things out. What about you?” asked Aaron.
“Me? Oh, I’ve just been working on building my client base,” said Ellie, unwilling to discuss the subject. She didn’t want Aaron to know that she’d been having problems finding clients recently.
“Good,” he said brightly. “Looks like you’re doing well, then.”
Where had he gotten that idea? Ellie was doing okay, but her life had yet to reach the measure of success she saw in her dreams. Maybe she looked better than she thought she did—confident, self-assured. That was a nice thought.
“I’m doing all right,” she said. “Mostly been spending time with Bella.”
“You get together with Mark or Tammy or anyone?” he asked.
“Uh, not really.”
“Why? I’m sure they’ve missed you!” said Aaron, narrowing his eyes curiously.
That was hard to imagine. Aaron’s friends would have reached out if they had wanted to hang out with Ellie, but after Aaron left, it had been radio silence. They hadn’t said a word. Sure, she could have reached out too, but not hearing from a single one of them… It hadn’t exactly given an inviting impression.
“We just sort of fell out of touch, I guess,” she said vaguely, shrugging her shoulders. She could feel herself turning inward, away from Aaron’s questions, which began to feel increasingly invasive. She had to steer the conversation to safer subjects.
“How are your parents?” she asked, uneasily noting that she was almost finished with her beer.
“They’re good,” Aaron said, smiling. But the smile didn’t reach up to his eyes, Ellie noted. Was there something wrong with them?
It was hard to imagine that someone she’d previously been so close with, so intimate with, was now practically a stranger. The person sitting next to her was not Aaron, he was Aaron transformed. And in such a short space of time, too. It was less than a year that he’d been in New York.
“Has Bella been a good girl?” asked Aaron, reaching down again to scratch the greyhound’s head. Bella side-eyed Aaron again, and it was all Ellie could do to not burst out laughing.
“She’s been great,” said Ellie. It was a safe topic, but she needed more stimulating conversation. The exchanges felt stilted, like they didn’t know what to talk about. And honestly, Ellie didn’t. She’d found out why Aaron was back in Redwood Crossing, and now that her curiosity was sated, she wanted to go home and pretend he didn’t exist, like she had for the past several months.
“Maybe we could hang out some time,” said Aaron. “Take her to the dog park, like we used to. Remember how she used to love that one purple tennis ball?”
Ellie stopped to consider the memory, which had been forgotten until now. The dog park had been a fun place, and they’d shared some good times there, as a family. But that was in the past. She didn’t like the idea of pretending that everything was the same as it always was. How could she, with this new version of Aaron?
“She liked it so much I had to throw it away,” said Ellie, smiling at the memory. “And then she looked for it for a long time afterward.”
“That’s dogs for you. Can’t move on,” said Aaron.
Ellie bristled inwardly. She knew it hadn’t been a jab at herself, but it still felt like one. She had moved on. But the sense of familiarity that was wheedling its way into the rapport between them was starting to feel increasingly weird.
“Oh, I have an idea. Maybe we could get the gang together again and I don’t know, start up our Friday happy hours again?” He smiled again, seeming perkier than he had during the whole conversation.
“Uh… Sure,” said Ellie, unwilling to outright refuse. It would be too awkward to resurrect the former social group. And why did he want to do that, anyway? It was like he was trying to drag her back into the former life they had together—with the together part, anyway.
“Great, I’ll let you know what everyone else says,” Aaron said, seemingly oblivious to Ellie’s distaste at having to hang out with that crew again. He got out his phone and quickly composed a message. “There we go. We’ll see what they say.”
“Haven’t you seen them at all?” Ellie asked.
“No, I’m just been spending the time here with my parents,” said Aaron, looking away. His tone had become cagey again, like there was something being left unsaid. “We went on a vacation recently which was why I couldn’t meet you until today.”
A vacation? Well, maybe it wasn’t something nefarious or unpleasant after all. “That sounds fun,” she said.
“Yeah. Remember how we used to go out to their cabin together? Those were really awesome weekends.” He smiled sweetly at her, his face bright and cheery.
They had been awesome weekends, the kind of weekends two lovers along in a cabin normally had. But for Aaron to dredge that memory up now was bizarre. It was awkward. They’d had a clean break up, and now, it almost seemed like he wanted to remind her of what they’d had.
Shit. Did he want to win her over again? Ellie was going to have to play this carefully.
Or not—she could just avoid him, consistently turn down invitations until he decided she wasn’t worth contacting. It was rude, but Aaron was irritating at best when he didn’t get something he wanted.
“Maybe we can go to the cabin again,” he said. “With our friends, I mean.”
“Maybe,” said Ellie.
“Come on.” He reached out and touched her forearm. “It’ll be fun.”
Ellie had half a mind to tell him something like, “You know we’re broken up, right?” But she kept her mouth shut.
“I’ll have to check my schedule,” she said. “I have a busy summer. Couple of big projects coming up.”
He frowned. “You always were a workaholic.”
She shrugged, trying not to let her barb get under her skin. “That’s the life of a freelancer. I have to keep working.”
“But you have to have fun sometimes, too.” He smiled coyly.
God, what was he implying? It was messing with Ellie’s head. Or maybe it was all in her head, and he was just being perfectly friendly. It was impossible to know with Aaron. After the break up, Ellie had experienced a degree of mental clarity she hadn’t thought possible, and she wanted to keep it that way.
“Anyway, we’ll have to plan some hang outs with the rest of our friends,” Aaron said. “I’m sure they’ll want to catch up with you, too.”
“Uh huh.” Ellie took the last sip of her beer. She didn’t exactly want to order another one, thus committing herself to another half hour with Aaron, at least, but it seemed rude to leave now.
“Hey, let me get the next round,” he said, smiling, then leaning toward the bartender.
Ellie watched with pursed lips as the bartender prepared two more drafts. Looked like she was going to be here quite a while longer.
18
Harika
“I can’t do it. I just can’t do it,” said Harika. “I mean, I don’t know.”
Shalini reached out and put a calming hand on Harika’s arm. “It’s not like you’re marrying the girl,” she said. “You’re just deciding whether to date her or not. You’ve been on a grand total of one date.�
�
“But you know how when you like someone, everything feels more urgent and important than it really is?” asked Harika. “Like, I just feel like if I don’t date her, I’ll be throwing away an opportunity that could turn out to be the best thing ever.”
“Maybe the universe will send you a sign,” said Shalini, laughing.
“A sign?”
“Yeah, a sign. Maybe you just have to wait for it to show you the right path.” She smiled serenely—and a little smugly, Harika thought.
Harika wasn’t one to think much of Shalini’s vaguely metaphysical beliefs. She was always hinting at stuff like this, about how she should place more faith in uncertainty. But Harika was a person who was driven by goals and the tangible reality of actions she could take to improve her life.
She wasn’t about to wait for a sign, of all things. For all she knew, the universe had already sent several signs, and she’d been too dim to identify them.
“Maybe,” Harika said diplomatically, but she knew Shalini knew what she thought. It didn’t stop her from trying to help the best way she knew how.
“She is cute, though, I’ll give you that,” said Shalini.
Harika sighed, almost dreamily, like she was a high schooler lusting after an attractive classmate. “It’s the tattoos, and the aloof exterior. She’s so mysterious.”
“But not so mysterious. You saw how she is with her dog.”
“Exactly. The snippets I see of her personality, I love,” said Harika.
“Have you considered just asking her? About her history, I mean? Ask her if she’s dated women before, or if she’s thought about her sexuality. Just make it clear,” said Shalini earnestly, long, gold earrings dangling with her enthusiasm.
“Easier said than done,” said Harika. “I mean, I don’t even know the lady that well. You can’t just ask people about their sex life.”
“You can if you do it the right way,” said Shalini, smiling again. “And if you’re doing to be dating, it’s an appropriate thing to ask.”