by Iona Rose
“Kimberley, wait …” I start.
I happen to glance into the bathroom as I get up and I see it in the sink. A pregnancy test. I walk into the bathroom and pick it up. One word sits there in the window. Pregnant.
My heart skips a beat and I feel my face breaking into a smile. It all makes sense now. Why Kimberley skipped the cocktails yesterday. Why she was evasive about where she had been this morning. Why she tensed up a little when my mum started talking about grandchildren. My smile dies on my lips when she speaks from behind me.
“Don’t worry. I’m not keeping it.”
“What? No. Kimberley wait, we need to talk about this,” I say as she walks away from me again.
I chase after her into the lounge where she’s already putting her jacket on.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she says. “Except maybe how useless my contraceptive pill clearly is. You don’t have to worry about it.”
“Kimberley listen to me,” I say. I take her hands in mine and wait until she’s looking at me. “I love you. And I love that we’re going to be a family.”
She pulls her hands away and shakes her head.
“We’re not going to be a family Sebastian. What part of this are you not understanding? I can’t have this baby. I’ve never wanted one and I’m not going to have my career ruined now.”
I can feel my mind whirling, dread filling my whole body. How can she be talking about killing our baby this way?
“Kimberley, stop,” I shout. “You can’t do this.”
“Yes I can,” she snaps. “My body, my choice. I know this has always been your dream. Getting me pregnant so I have to stay at home and play the good little wifey, but it’s not going to happen. Just accept it.”
I am floored by her words. I’ve never said a single thing to imply that’s what I want. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted. I’ve never wanted to hold Kimberley back and I don’t want that now. What I want is for her to see that I love her more than anything and that we can make this work.
I’m not in right frame of mind to explain that to her though, and I know she’s not in the right frame of mind to hear me. I head for the door.
“We’ll talk about this later,” I say.
“There’s nothing to say Sebastian,” she calls after me as I walk down the hallway to the elevator feeling like the bottom has just fallen out of my world.
Chapter Seventeen
Sebastian
It’s been five days since Kimberley dropped her bombshell on me. Five fucking days of going insane. Five days of feeling as though the bottom is falling out of my world. It’s like everything is spinning, like I’m screaming inside to get off the roundabout, but no one can hear me and the spinning never stops. I’m pretty sure this what the first step towards madness feels like.
I’ve tried calling Kimberley a few times, but she won’t take my calls. I’ve left voicemails and sent text messages, but I get nothing in return. I’ve been up to her office just to be told that she’s taken a few days off. I’ve even been by the hotel and knocked on her room door and called through to her, but if she’s been in there when I’ve called round, she’s ignored me.
It’s like she’s closed herself off to me completely. I’m not toob proud to admit it, but I’ve ghosted girls in the past, and it feels like that’s what Kimberley is doing to me now. But she’s carrying my fucking baby. She can’t just shut me out like this. She can’t. Except she can and she is.
I am completely torn up inside by this whole thing. It breaks my heart to know that Kimberley wants to get rid of our baby, and yeah, it pisses me off that she won’t even sit down and have a conversation about it. I mean I get it – ultimately there’s nothing I can do to stop her from having an abortion if that’s what she wants to do, but she could at least hear me out before she makes such a big decision.
Yesterday, I sent Kimberley what I told myself would be my last text message to her unless she replied. It was a simple message telling her I understand that she’s upset and that I’m here when she’s ready to talk. I promised her that unless she reaches out to me, I’ll leave her alone.
It’s what I should do. She’s shut me out and made it quite clear she has no interest in talking to me. The rational side of me is willing to accept that we gave it a go, and it’s clearly not going to work out, despite my feelings for Kimberley. We’re just too different. Kimberley runs from her problems and shuts herself off from the world, from me. I can’t be with someone who leaves me hanging like that every time there’s a problem. It’s like a rollercoaster ride, but not a fun one. It’s like riding a roller coaster with broken tracks and knowing the ride isn’t going to end well, but not knowing for sure when the cracks will start to show, or when the track will just be pulled out from underneath you altogether.
The thing is, when it comes to Kimberley, I think it’s fair to say that the rational side of me doesn’t really get a look in. Already, I am itching to call her again, to text her, to make her talk to me. But I won’t. I’m not some creeper guy who can’t take a hint. And that’s all there is to it. She’s made her choice, and while I don’t have to like it, I have no choice but to respect it.
I stand up abruptly. I have to get out of the office, get out of my head and get some fresh air, before I go completely mad. I need to be moving, to be doing something other than sitting staring at a blank screen and pretending to concentrate. If I’m doing something, anything, then I will be much less likely to cave in and break my word and message Kimberley again.
“Sebastian? Where are you going? You have a meeting in an hour,” Bernie says as I leave my office.
I flash her a smile, hiding how I really feel.
“I’ll be back by then. I just need to pop out for a moment,” I say.
“Well what do you need? I’ll get it for you,” she says.
What I need is Kimberley to fucking talk to me. What I need is for her to hear me when I tell her I love her and we can be a family. I don’t think Bernie can make that happen anymore than I can. I just shake my head. Bernie comes around the desk and puts her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to sit down. She goes back to her computer and types rapidly for a second and then she comes back around to me and perches on her desk and peers down at me.
“Something’s wrong. Now spill it,” she says.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I start.
“Yes there is. You were on top of the world last week, and now you’re … I don’t know. Different. It’s something to do with Kimberley isn’t it?”
I feel myself nodding.
“Yeah. We gave it a go and it didn’t work out. Don’t worry, I’ve gotten over her once and I can do it again,” I say.
Another lie. I never really got over her and I for sure don’t think I can do it now. Bernie frowns and shakes her head.
“What is it you’re not telling me? I’ve never seen you like this before,” she says.
I open my mouth to tell her I’m fine, but instead, I blurt out the truth. As soon as the words Kimberley is pregnant leave my mouth, I feel better, and before I know it, the whole story has tumbled out of me. I haven’t even told Matt or Chance about this. I haven’t told them anything except sticking to the story that Kimberley and I are taking things slow. I even tell her what I’ve done – the grand gesture I was so sure Kimberley would love, but now seems ridiculous. God I’m such a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I thought we could ever make this work. There’s just too much history, too much mess.
“So yeah, there you have it,” I finish.
“Oh Sebastian, I’m so sorry,” Bernie says.
I shrug.
“I should have known better than to let her in again,” I say.
“Just give her time. She’ll come around,” Bernie says.
“I’m not sure I want her to come around Bernie. I can’t live my whole life like this with Kimberley shutting me out and blowing hot and cold on me.”
“Then maybe it’s for the best that you’ve f
ound that out now rather than years down the line,” Bernie says.
I nod mutely. I know she’s right. It’s better this way. But then why does it feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest?
“Thanks Bernie,” I say, standing up again. This time, she doesn’t try to stop me. “And please keep this conversation between us ok?”
“Oh really? Because I really wanted to tell half of the office and a couple of clients about it,” she says with a soft laugh.
I find myself laughing with her.
“Ok, point taken,” I say. “I’m going to go and get some air and clear my head.”
I glance at my watch.
“You better push that appointment back after all. Sorry.”
Bernie grins.
“It’s already done,” she says. “I emailed him before I sat down.”
I shake my head and laugh.
“What would I do without you Bernie,” I say as I leave.
“Remember that next time pay rises are on the table,” she shouts after me.
I’ve walked the streets around our office building for over an hour and I’d like to say I feel better, but I don’t. I don’t think I will feel better for a long time. But at least I haven’t given in and called Kimberley so there’s that.
I head back to the office with a heavy heart and a promise to myself to throw myself into work and forget Kimberley ever came back into my life. I cross the lobby and wait for the elevator. It comes and I step in.
“Hold the elevator please,” I hear someone I shout.
I reach out and press the door open button and Joe Benton runs into the elevator.
“Thanks,” he says. “How are you?”
“Good,” I say. “You?”
“Good. We’re getting settled in nicely and I’m finally starting to feel like we’re organised,” he smiles. “And who knows? I might even get home to my wife before she divorces me.”
“That bad?” I ask.
He laughs and shakes his head.
“No, I’m just joking. She gets me. She knows I have to do this. And she takes all of her anger out on my credit card rather than me,” he says.
I laugh with him and we fall quiet. I find myself thinking of Kimberley again, just for a change. This is my chance to find out how she’s coping at least. She works pretty closely with Joe and if she’s been acting weirdly, he’ll have noticed. But if he knows anything, he’ll think it’s odd that I’m asking him about her rather than asking her myself how she’s doing. Yeah, I’m just going to keep quiet.
“How’s Kimberley?” I hear myself ask him.
Dammit Sebastian. Listen to the voice of reason for once in your damned life.
“Actually, she hasn’t been feeling too well. She’s taken a few days off to get herself put right,” he says.
“Nothing serious I hope?” I say, knowing fine well there’s nothing wrong with her.
She’s just avoiding me and she doesn’t want to risk running into me at work where she can’t shut me out without risking me causing a scene.
“I think she’s just a bit run down. The merger took a lot out of her, but she’ll be back to fighting fit in no time. And after everything she did to make the merger run smoothly, she deserves a few days to recover.”
I smile and nod my agreement.
“It’s a shame she’s moving on. I think she would have been great heading up this project,” Joe says.
“Moving on?” I repeat.
Joe nods and smiles.
“Yes. She’s not leaving the company, but she’ll be going back to our London office. I can’t say I’m ecstatic about it, but when someone with her skill set asks to move, you make space for her wherever the hell she wants to go,” he says.
I nod, my head spinning. Kimberley’s leaving? No, I must have misunderstood. She wouldn’t just pack up and leave without even telling me. Would she? No. It must be a short term thing. But Joe didn’t make it sound like a short term thing. I have to know for sure. We’re almost at my floor and I turn to Joe.
“You mean she’s asked to go back to London permanently?” I say.
“Yeah. It’s what she wanted and like I say, you don’t risk losing someone like Kimberley,” Joe says as the elevator doors ping open on my floor.
I mutter my agreement and stumble out of the elevator. The doors close and it whisks Joe and his bad news back away. I lean against the wall for a moment. She’s leaving me. Again.
I shake my head. I can’t believe she’s pulling this stunt yet again. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think she’d ever change. That she could genuinely put me before her career, or even have me rank equally to it.
I push myself off the wall and go back towards my office. I stop at Bernie’s desk.
“She’s leaving,” I blurt out. “Running off back to London. I don’t even think she was planning on telling me. Joe Benton just told me.”
“So that’s it then?” Bernie says.
I nod my head.
“That’s it then,” I confirm.
I go into my office and move towards my chair when it hits me. Kimberley is leaving me. For good this time. I stop before I reach my chair.
No. I won’t let this happen. I told her I would never let her walk away from me again, not without a fight, and dammit, I’m going to fight for her. I’m going to put myself out there and risk getting my heart trampled on. I’ll probably regret it. I’ll probably come back broken and alone. But I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to beg her to stay. I’m going to do whatever it takes to stop her from walking away from me. To stop her from getting rid of our baby. I turn around and leave my office again. Bernie looks up, surprised to see me leaving my office again so soon.
“I have to stop her,” I say. “I swore to her I’d never let her leave again without a fight, and I meant it. I’m going to go to her and try to convince her we can make this work. I don’t know if it’ll make any difference, but I’m doing it.”
Bernie grins at me, her face lighting up.
“That’s more like it,” she says. “I was starting to think you’d never get your ass in gear and fight for her.”
“Can you do something for me?” I ask.
Bernie nods.
“Anything.”
I write down an address on a piece of paper and hand it to her. I give her a small silver key.
“Can you go here and make sure everything’s perfect?” I say.
She nods and beams at me.
“Consider it done. Now go get her.”
For the first time since Kimberley dropped her bombshell on me, I feel alive. Like there’s at least hope for us. I’m going to go to her and make her see that we can do this. That we can make it work. The three of us.
Chapter Eighteen
Sebastian
I don’t wait for the elevator. I’m too full of nervous energy to stand and wait for it. Instead, I take the stairs, running down them like my life depends on it. And maybe it does.
In my mind, I can see how this will go. I’ll convince Kimberley to open the door, and I’ll tell her I love her and beg her not to go. She’ll step into my arms and tell me she’ll stay, that she loves me too. And then we’ll share the most magical kiss.
I don’t know if that’s really what will happen, but I have to hold onto that spark of hope. And whatever happens, I’ll know I did everything I could to make this work. That I didn’t let Kimberley walk away from me without a fight this time. I’ll know that if she walks away from me again, that’s all on her.
I practically sprint from the building and to my car. I drive to Kimberley’s hotel sure I’ve broken every traffic law there is as I arrive there in record time. But none of that matters. All that matters now is getting to Kimberley and making her see how much I love her, and that we can handle anything together. I ignore the elevator in the hotel as well and take the stairs, sprinting up them two at a time.
I get to Kimberley’s door and I knock gently at first. No answer. I
bang harder. Still nothing.
“Kimberley? I know you’re in there. I swear if you don’t open this door, I’m going to break the damned thing down. I love you and I need you to know that. Please Kimberley, just hear me out,” I say.
I keep knocking, pleading with her, but if she’s in there, she doesn’t respond. I stop for a moment and consider my next move. Am I really going to kick the door in? Yes, I think I am.
I reach for the handle, ready to press it down and kick beneath the handle. I don’t have to kick it. It springs open when I push down on the handle. I grin to myself. Finally, something has gone right for me. I step into the room.
“Kimberley?” I call. “You might as well just come and talk to me because I’m not leaving until you do.”
The suite has an empty feel to it, and I’m pretty sure Kimberley genuinely isn’t here. I do a quick walk across the lounge area and down the little hallway. The doors all stand open and there’s no sign of Kimberley. I shrug. It’s not the end of the world. I can wait here until she gets back and then she’ll have to talk to me. I know she hasn’t left for London yet, or even moved on to a different hotel because I can see her jacket hanging on the coat hook and the bathroom still had her toiletries in it.
I go back to the lounge area and sit down to wait. I don’t care if I have to wait here all day. If that’s what it takes, then I’ll do it. My cell phone buzzes and I pull it out. I have to do something to pass the time, so I might as well see who is texting me. Maybe it’s Kimberley. Maybe she had the same epiphany moment as I did and raced down to my office and we missed each other.
It’s not Kimberley. It’s Bernie confirming everything is good at the place I sent her to, and telling me she’s cancelled my day. I grin and text her back telling her she was right earlier. She does deserve a pay rise. And she’s damned sure going to get one. She sends another text message telling me she’ll hold me to that. I smile to myself, knowing she will.