CHAPTER XIV. 22nd June.
AT last they have arrived. I was sitting by the window when I heard theclattering of their carriage. My heart throbbed... What does it mean?Can it be that I am in love?... I am so stupidly constituted that such athing might be expected of me.
I dined at their house. Princess Ligovski looked at me with muchtenderness, and did not leave her daughter's side... a bad sign! On theother hand, Vera is jealous of me in regard to Princess Mary--however,I have been striving for that good fortune. What will not a woman do inorder to chagrin her rival? I remember that once a woman loved mesimply because I was in love with another woman. There is nothing moreparadoxical than the female mind; it is difficult to convince a woman ofanything; they have to be led into convincing themselves. The order ofthe proofs by which they demolish their prejudices is most original;to learn their dialectic it is necessary to overthrow in your own mindevery scholastic rule of logic. For example, the usual way:
"This man loves me; but I am married: therefore I must not love him."
The woman's way:
"I must not love him, because I am married; but he lovesme--therefore"...
A few dots here, because reason has no more to say. But, generally,there is something to be said by the tongue, and the eyes, and, afterthese, the heart--if there is such a thing.
What if these notes should one day meet a woman's eye?
"Slander!" she will exclaim indignantly.
Ever since poets have written and women have read them (for which thepoets should be most deeply grateful) women have been called angels somany times that, in very truth, in their simplicity of soul, they havebelieved the compliment, forgetting that, for money, the same poets haveglorified Nero as a demigod...
It would be unreasonable were I to speak of women with such malignity--Iwho have loved nothing else in the world--I who have always been readyto sacrifice for their sake ease, ambition, life itself... But, you see,I am not endeavouring, in a fit of vexation and injured vanity, to pluckfrom them the magic veil through which only an accustomed glance canpenetrate. No, all that I say about them is but the result of
"A mind which coldly hath observed,
A heart which bears the stamp of woe." [29]
Women ought to wish that all men knew them as well as I because I haveloved them a hundred times better since I have ceased to be afraid ofthem and have comprehended their little weaknesses.
By the way: the other day, Werner compared women to the enchanted forestof which Tasso tells in his "Jerusalem Delivered." [30]
"So soon as you approach," he said, "from all directions terrors, suchas I pray Heaven may preserve us from, will take wing at you: duty,pride, decorum, public opinion, ridicule, contempt... You must simply gostraight on without looking at them; gradually the monsters disappear,and, before you, opens a bright and quiet glade, in the midst of whichblooms the green myrtle. On the other hand, woe to you if, at the firststeps, your heart trembles and you turn back!"
A Hero of Our Time Page 29