CHAPTER XIX
IT is now a month and a half since I have been in the N----Fortress.
Maksim Maksimych is out hunting... I am alone. I am sitting by thewindow. Grey clouds have covered the mountains to the foot; the sunappears through the mist as a yellow spot. It is cold; the wind iswhistling and rocking the shutters... I am bored!... I will continue mydiary which has been interrupted by so many strange events.
I read the last page over: how ridiculous it seems!... I thought to die;it was not to be. I have not yet drained the cup of suffering, and now Ifeel that I still have long to live.
How clearly and how sharply have all these bygone events been stampedupon my memory! Time has not effaced a single line, a single shade.
I remember that during the night preceding the duel I did not sleep asingle moment. I was not able to write for long: a secret uneasinesstook possession of me. For about an hour I paced the room, then I satdown and opened a novel by Walter Scott which was lying on my table. Itwas "The Scottish Puritans." [301] At first I read with an effort; then,carried away by the magical fiction, I became oblivious of everythingelse.
At last day broke. My nerves became composed. I looked in the glass:a dull pallor covered my face, which preserved the traces of harassingsleeplessness; but my eyes, although encircled by a brownish shadow,glittered proudly and inexorably. I was satisfied with myself.
I ordered the horses to be saddled, dressed myself, and ran down to thebaths. Plunging into the cold, sparkling water of the Narzan Spring, Ifelt my bodily and mental powers returning. I left the baths as freshand hearty as if I was off to a ball. After that, who shall say that thesoul is not dependent upon the body!...
On my return, I found the doctor at my rooms. He was wearing greyriding-breeches, a jacket and a Circassian cap. I burst out laughingwhen I saw that little figure under the enormous shaggy cap. Wernerhas a by no means warlike countenance, and on that occasion it was evenlonger than usual.
"Why so sad, doctor?" I said to him. "Have you not a hundred times, withthe greatest indifference, escorted people to the other world? Imaginethat I have a bilious fever: I may get well; also, I may die; both arein the usual course of things. Try to look on me as a patient, afflictedwith an illness with which you are still unfamiliar--and then yourcuriosity will be aroused in the highest degree. You can now make a fewimportant physiological observations upon me... Is not the expectationof a violent death itself a real illness?"
The doctor was struck by that idea, and he brightened up.
We mounted our horses. Werner clung on to his bridle with both hands,and we set off. In a trice we had galloped past the fortress, throughthe village, and had ridden into the gorge. Our winding road washalf-overgrown with tall grass and was intersected every moment by anoisy brook, which we had to ford, to the great despair of the doctor,because each time his horse would stop in the water.
A morning more fresh and blue I cannot remember! The sun had scarceshown his face from behind the green summits, and the blending of thefirst warmth of his rays with the dying coolness of the night producedon all my feelings a sort of sweet languor. The joyous beam of the youngday had not yet penetrated the gorge; it gilded only the tops of thecliffs which overhung us on both sides. The tufted shrubs, growing inthe deep crevices of the cliffs, besprinkled us with a silver showerat the least breath of wind. I remember that on that occasion I lovedNature more than ever before. With what curiosity did I examine everydewdrop trembling upon the broad vine leaf and reflecting millions ofrainbowhued rays! How eagerly did my glance endeavour to penetrate thesmoky distance! There the road grew narrower and narrower, the cliffsbluer and more dreadful, and at last they met, it seemed, in animpenetrable wall.
We rode in silence.
"Have you made your will?" Werner suddenly inquired.
"No."
"And if you are killed?"
"My heirs will be found of themselves."
"Is it possible that you have no friends, to whom you would like to senda last farewell?"...
I shook my head.
"Is there, really, not one woman in the world to whom you would like toleave some token in remembrance?"...
"Do you want me to reveal my soul to you, doctor?" I answered... "Yousee, I have outlived the years when people die with the name of thebeloved on their lips and bequeathing to a friend a lock of pomaded--orunpomaded--hair. When I think that death may be near, I think of myselfalone; others do not even do as much. The friends who to-morrow willforget me or, worse, will utter goodness knows what falsehoods about me;the women who, while embracing another, will laugh at me in order notto arouse his jealousy of the deceased--let them go! Out of the storm oflife I have borne away only a few ideas--and not one feeling. For along time now I have been living, not with my heart, but with my head.I weigh, analyse my own passions and actions with severe curiosity, butwithout sympathy. There are two personalities within me: one lives--inthe complete sense of the word--the other reflects and judges him; thefirst, it may be, in an hour's time, will take farewell of you and theworld for ever, and the second--the second?... Look, doctor, do yousee those three black figures on the cliff, to the right? They are ourantagonists, I suppose?"...
We pushed on.
In the bushes at the foot of the cliff three horses were tethered; wetethered ours there too, and then we clambered up the narrow path to theledge on which Grushnitski was awaiting us in company with the captainof dragoons and his other second, whom they called Ivan Ignatevich. Hissurname I never heard.
"We have been expecting you for quite a long time," said the captain ofdragoons, with an ironical smile.
I drew out my watch and showed him the time.
He apologized, saying that his watch was fast.
There was an embarrassing silence for a few moments. At length thedoctor interrupted it.
"It seems to me," he said, turning to Grushnitski, "that as you haveboth shown your readiness to fight, and thereby paid the debt due to theconditions of honour, you might be able to come to an explanation andfinish the affair amicably."
"I am ready," I said.
The captain winked to Grushnitski, and the latter, thinking that I waslosing courage, assumed a haughty air, although, until that moment, hischeeks had been covered with a dull pallor. For the first time since ourarrival he lifted his eyes on me; but in his glance there was a certaindisquietude which evinced an inward struggle.
"Declare your conditions," he said, "and anything I can do for you, beassured"...
"These are my conditions: you will this very day publicly recant yourslander and beg my pardon"...
"My dear sir, I wonder how you dare make such a proposal to me?"
"What else could I propose?"...
"We will fight."
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Be it so; only, bethink you that one of us will infallibly be killed."
"I hope it will be you"...
"And I am so convinced of the contrary"...
He became confused, turned red, and then burst out into a forced laugh.
The captain took his arm and led him aside; they whispered together fora long time. I had arrived in a fairly pacific frame of mind, but allthis was beginning to drive me furious.
The doctor came up to me.
"Listen," he said, with manifest uneasiness, "you have surely forgottentheir conspiracy!... I do not know how to load a pistol, but inthis case... You are a strange man! Tell them that you know theirintention--and they will not dare... What sport! To shoot you like abird"...
"Please do not be uneasy, doctor, and wait awhile... I shall arrangeeverything in such a way that there will be no advantage on their side.Let them whisper"...
"Gentlemen, this is becoming tedious," I said to them loudly: "if we areto fight, let us fight; you had time yesterday to talk as much as youwanted to."
"We are ready," answered the captain. "Take your places, gentlemen!Doctor, be good enough to measure six paces"...
"Take your pla
ces!" repeated Ivan Ignatevich, in a squeaky voice.
"Excuse me!" I said. "One further condition. As we are going to fightto the death, we are bound to do everything possible in order thatthe affair may remain a secret, and that our seconds may incur noresponsibility. Do you agree?"...
"Quite."
"Well, then, this is my idea. Do you see that narrow ledge on the top ofthe perpendicular cliff on the right? It must be thirty fathoms, if notmore, from there to the bottom; and, down below, there are sharp rocks.Each of us will stand right at the extremity of the ledge--in suchmanner even a slight wound will be mortal: that ought to be inaccordance with your desire, as you yourselves have fixed upon sixpaces. Whichever of us is wounded will be certain to fall down and bedashed to pieces; the doctor will extract the bullet, and, then, it willbe possible very easily to account for that sudden death by saying itwas the result of a fall. Let us cast lots to decide who shall firefirst. In conclusion, I declare that I will not fight on any otherterms."
"Be it so!" said the captain after an expressive glance at Grushnitski,who nodded his head in token of assent. Every moment he was changingcountenance. I had placed him in an embarrassing position. Had the duelbeen fought upon the usual conditions, he could have aimed at my leg,wounded me slightly, and in such wise gratified his vengeance withoutoverburdening his conscience. But now he was obliged to fire in the air,or to make himself an assassin, or, finally, to abandon his base planand to expose himself to equal danger with me. I should not have likedto be in his place at that moment. He took the captain aside and saidsomething to him with great warmth. His lips were blue, and I saw themtrembling; but the captain turned away from him with a contemptuoussmile.
"You are a fool," he said to Grushnitski rather loudly. "You can'tunderstand a thing!... Let us be off, then, gentlemen!"
The precipice was approached by a narrow path between bushes, andfragments of rock formed the precarious steps of that natural staircase.Clinging to the bushes we proceeded to clamber up. Grushnitski went infront, his seconds behind him, and then the doctor and I.
"I am surprised at you," said the doctor, pressing my hand vigorously."Let me feel your pulse!... Oho! Feverish!... But nothing noticeableon your countenance... only your eyes are gleaming more brightly thanusual."
Suddenly small stones rolled noisily right under our feet. What was it?Grushnitski had stumbled; the branch to which he was clinging had brokenoff, and he would have rolled down on his back if his seconds had notheld him up.
"Take care!" I cried. "Do not fall prematurely: that is a bad sign.Remember Julius Caesar!"
A Hero of Our Time Page 34