Who was she? What had she become?
Elle felt empty—barren from a life based on fear, hubris, and narcissism. Fear of saying the wrong thing, looking the wrong way, not having the right friends, not being accepted. Hubris in her belief that she was too smart, that she knew better, that she could control everything. And narcissism in only thinking about herself and how things affected her.
“Are you happy, Mom? Are you living your dream?”
What a joke.
Elle’s phone beeped on the bathroom counter. It was a text from Win reminding her that the car to take her to the Tsugunai office would be there soon. It ended with “I love you.”
That was just perfect. Her husband was across town doing business with a complete sociopath. Elle had endangered yet another man she loved. What was wrong with her?
Elle looked at her iPod. She should have listened to her gut on what the signs had been telling her before coming to Japan. Instead, she had told herself what she wanted to believe. “Just be more honest.” Yeah, right.
Could music save her now?
Desperate, Elle grabbed her iPod off the bathroom counter and put in her earbuds. Should she go to one of her favorite playlists?
No. She would trust the music.
Elle pushed play and closed her eyes.
Don’t fail me. Please.
U2’s “Bad” began.
Thank you.
Reassured, Elle dropped her shoulders and let out a long, deep breath. She loved this song; it always touched her in a way she couldn’t quite understand—she had cried tears of joy when she heard it played live. It would be the perfect song to listen to. As the music played, Elle tried to quiet her brain and to give in to the moment. She felt the ecstasy in Bono’s voice, the passion in the Edge’s and Adam Clayton’s guitar-playing, and the devotion in Larry Mullen Jr’s relentless drumming.
Elle did as she was asked. She let it all go; she surrendered.
As she sang along to her favorite song with unabashed abandon, a tingling sensation raced through her body and she felt a rush of energy, like a wave had passed over her. Not a dangerous, frightening wave that threatened to pull her under, but a gentle wave, one that embraced her with compassion, hope, unity, and even love. Yes, most of all, Elle felt love.
She welcomed this energy—this feeling of connection—and yielded to its power. Swaying in concert with the music that always brought her peace, Elle got it.
Finally, after all the years looking for signs where there were none, the correct message was received. The one that had been trying to reach her all along, but that she had been too selfish and self-absorbed to accept. Embracing the light, Elle was filled with gratitude, joy, understanding and peace.
She was wide awake. She was no longer sleeping.
Profoundly thankful, Elle was brought to her knees in humility. She was sorry. So very sorry. For everything. All of it.
Forgive me. Help me.
Chapter Forty
Phil Collins: “In the Air Tonight”
June 6, 2017
1:15 p.m.
Let the games begin.
Elle sat on an uncomfortable wood chair in a room near Tak’s office at Tsugunai headquarters. The team assigned to do her hair and makeup had just finished their job and left her alone. The press conference would be starting soon.
There was an abrupt knock on the door. It was authoritative and impatient. Elle stood and took a deep, drawn-out breath as she opened the door.
Tak was by himself, as she had requested. “Hello, Elle, you look beautiful, as always.”
“Thank you.” Elle stood aside and made way for Tak to enter. The room wasn’t large, and it suddenly felt awkwardly intimate with just the two of them in it. Elle moved away from Tak, creating as much space between them as she could.
“I hope you have found everything to your liking.” Tak surveyed the room and straightened his tie.
“Yes, it’s perfect. Thank you.”
“Good, good. What can I do for you, Blondie?”
Elle had never liked this nickname, and it was even more unsettling now with the unveiling of the creepy mannequin. Still, she pretended it didn’t bother her. “Being in Tokyo has brought back so many memories.”
Tak nodded agreeably and sat against the edge of the dressing table, relaxed.
Elle forced a smile. “We had so many good times together. Do you remember?”
Tak reached over and gently rubbed Elle’s arm. “Yes, of course I remember. How could I forget?”
Elle moved closer to Tak and placed a hand lightly on his knee. His face reddened at her touch. “We made a great couple, the two of us.”
Tak reached for Elle’s hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it. “The best.”
Elle’s instinct was to pull her hand away, but she allowed the contact, continuing, “And look how you turned out, such a successful businessman.” Elle paused. She needed to be careful with what she said next. “I’m proud of you. I mean, what a change from owning a club with gambling, and the drugs—there were so many drugs.”
Tak dropped Elle’s hand. He looked stern, although not necessarily angry. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, c’mon, Tak. We did mounds of cocaine in your office at Samantha’s.”
Tak stood up. “Honestly, Blondie, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you feeling quite well?”
Elle saw she wasn’t going to get anywhere with this approach. Tak wasn’t going to admit to anything. She might as well get to the point. “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about Mitch. Do you remember him?”
Tak shook his head and straightened his back uncomfortably. “No, not really.”
How dare he not acknowledge Mitch. Elle tried to remain calm. “Well, let me remind you. He was my best friend. The best friend I’ve ever had.”
Tak shrugged his shoulders dismissively, indicating the topic was of little interest to him.
How can he be so cavalier?
Although it hadn’t been part of Elle’s strategy, she couldn’t help but reprimand Tak. “Really? I would think you would remember castrating someone.”
“Castrate someone?” Tak reached out his hand toward Elle. “Blondie, where did you get such an outrageous idea?”
Elle withdrew from his touch. She was incensed by his blatant lies and cursory disregard for Mitch. “How dare you lie to me! I was there! I know about all of it! The drug dealing, the beating up of innocent people. And Mitch! I can’t even begin to think about what you did to him.”
Tak’s cheeks were now a bright, angry red, the way Elle remembered them being when he was drunk or in a particularly foul mood. “I don’t know why you are saying these things, Blondie. I told you last night I was very sorry for the way things ended between us. The Tak you speak of is gone. There is no trace, no proof of anything you are saying.” Tak’s posture softened, as though he decided on a different approach mid-thought. He reached out and touched Elle’s arm lightly. “Let’s focus on the future, not the past.”
Elle pulled away, undeterred. “What about Johnny and Mike? They saw you do all those things. They know the truth.”
Tak laughed. “Johnny? He’s my most trusted friend. As for Mike—I took care of him years ago. He was weak. He couldn’t stomach what needed to be done.”
“What do you mean, you took care of him?”
“He couldn’t be trusted to keep the situation with Mitch quiet. He suddenly grew a conscience.”
What does he mean? Mike had been a good person. He had shown Elle compassion and kindness when she had been at her most vulnerable. This was all so wrong—worse than Elle imagined—yet Tak seemed incredibly calm, given what he had admitted to.
Tak rubbed Elle’s shoulders softly. “Is this all you wanted to talk about? Let’s not dwell on the past. Our future is more important.”
Our future? He had said that before. What was he talking about? How could he possibly think they had a future togeth
er?
Elle needed to finish this. She took a deep breath to calm herself. Resolved to hide her disgust, she again touched Tak gently on the arm and softened her voice. “First, I need to know the truth and that you’re sorry. You owe me that, at least. You, of all people, know how much Mitch meant to me.”
Tak shook his head. “I can’t do that. I’m not the least bit sorry. In fact, it was a great moment for me—seeing Mitch cry like the little girl he was? I enjoyed it immensely.”
Elle felt like she had been punched in the gut. Her entire body ached and she couldn’t breathe. “How can you not be sorry for what you did? You took away the most important aspect of any man. It’s your fault Mitch is dead.”
“My fault? I didn’t expect him to go off and kill himself. I thought he would have been quite happy as a eunuch.”
Elle lifted her hand in anger, but Tak grabbed it before she could hit him. “If you are upset with anyone, it should be with yourself. Someone had to pay. If you hadn’t gone off with that soccer player, everything would have been different. We would still be together.”
Tak was right—not about them still being together, that was crazy—but Mitch’s death had been her fault. Elle could feel tears beginning to well in her eyes. She choked them back; she would not give Tak the power to make her cry.
Elle jerked her hand away from Tak’s grip. “You talked about atonement last night. You must atone for what you did to Mitch. I won’t let you get away with this. He deserved more.”
“Sorry, Blondie. I have no intention of ever discussing that homosexual again. He got exactly what he deserved. You need to move on.”
Move on? How could he possibly say something so appalling? They were discussing her best friend’s life. It wasn’t something one simply got past. Elle had tried her hardest not to cry, but she no longer had control. Tears streamed down her face.
“Now, now, don’t cry.” Tak approached her again. “You don’t want your makeup to be ruined for the cameras.”
Elle extended her arms to keep him away, but Tak was unyielding. He pulled her head close to his, roughly, with both hands. “You know what the best part of all of this was? When I was designing Blondie, I had a special one made, just for me. An anatomically correct one.” Elle tried to get away, but Tak’s hold on her was too strong. “She was good, just the way I remembered you. Nice and tight.” He licked Elle’s face. “Do you remember sex with me? Do you remember how you couldn’t get enough? How you always wanted more?”
“Get away from me!” Elle was finally able to break free. She wiped her hand across her face where Tak had licked her. “And just so you know, that most trusted friend of yours—Johnny? He put his finger inside me. If Mike hadn’t intervened, he would have raped me. That’s some friend.”
Tak straightened his shoulders. His cheeks reddened again. Elle could tell this news bothered him and she was glad to see him hurt. He rotated his head slowly in a circle, then cracked the knuckles on his right hand before saying, “I’m a little disappointed with this attitude, Elle, but I see you’re not ready yet. I’ve waited over twenty years. I can wait a bit longer.”
What is he talking about? He really was crazy. Elle needed to warn Win.
“I’m going to leave so you can compose yourself. You will want to look your best for this press conference. The whole world will be watching. I’ll let you finish getting ready.”
“Finish getting ready? You and I aren’t finished. Not at all.” Trembling, Elle walked past Tak to a slightly ajar closet door in the back of the room. “You can come out now, Kenji.”
Kenji stepped out from behind the door, so thin he didn’t need to open it further to get out. His hands were shaking at his sides and there were beads of perspiration across his brow. Elle was sorry he was nervous and was intent on remaining strong for the both of them. “Do you remember Kenji?”
Tak furrowed his eyebrows, confused.
“Let me remind you. He was a bartender at Samantha’s. He was Mitch’s friend. A witness to what you did.”
Checkmate, asshole.
Tak nodded slowly. “Ah, yes. Yes. I remember Kenji.” He looked Elle in the eyes and spoke with remarkable calm. “You have him. So what? You aren’t going to do anything. If you reveal my past, you reveal yours.”
“I don’t care.”
Tak laughed. “You don’t care? Michelle doesn’t care about her true identity being revealed? That’s rich. I saw how you were with your daughter and that handsome young boy of yours. Do you really want to tell them Mommy was paid to entertain married men? That she sold them drugs? How do you think your husband will feel knowing you carried cocaine for me inside you?”
“It doesn’t matter. You have to atone for what you did to Mitch. We both do.”
“Mitch, Mitch.” Tak waved his hand. “You always were so sentimental about him.”
Elle began to cry again. “Mitch can’t have died for nothing. I won’t allow it. His story will be told.”
“I am quite confident you won’t be telling any such story. You don’t want to ruin your perfect little life, do you?”
“I said I don’t care. The truth has to come out.”
Tak lifted his index finger in the air like he had just remembered something important. “Should I remind you of the lawyer—what was his name? Sato?—the one you met at the Big New York Apple Club? The one you rode in the town car with? Do you think your husband will approve of your behavior with him?”
Elle’s face flushed. Of all her mistakes in Japan, this was the one she regretted most. How could Tak possibly know what had transpired in the town car? She dropped her head in shame.
Satisfied with her silence, Tak directed his attention toward Kenji. Appearing wholly unconcerned with Elle’s threat, in the indifferent tone of someone placing an order to a waiter, he said, “Kenji, I have nothing against you. In fact, I remember you as being a very fine employee. I also understand you don’t realize what you are getting yourself into. Elle can be quite persuasive. I’m going to give you two a few minutes alone to talk, after which I’m sure you will realize this entire conversation is best forgotten. I’m confident you don’t want any trouble.”
Kenji didn’t respond. Tak stared into his eyes for several protracted seconds, as if daring him to blink. Kenji shifted his weight from one side to another then he, too, hung his head down.
Tak patted Kenji on the arm, gracious in his perceived victory. He then walked over to Elle and lifted her chin, gently cupping it in his hands. “I know this has been difficult for you, Blondie. Please trust me when I tell you how truly sorry I am for the way things ended between us.” Tak held Elle’s head firm in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “I have made it up to you. You’ll see.”
Elle was cold. Her heart skipped a beat. Then another. She worried Tak might try to kiss her.
Instead, he tenderly rubbed Elle’s cheek with his forefinger. He brushed a stray hair away from her forehead and said, “It’s best I get to the conference room. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Tak opened the door to leave, adding, “And, Elle, remember, this is a great moment for you, for your family. For us. Don’t forget to smile.”
Chapter Forty-One
The Police: “Every Breath You Take”
June 6, 2017
1:55 p.m.
Tak
Tak brusquely brushed his wife’s hand away. What was she doing? She was such a stupid woman. Something would have to be done about her. Soon. Tiffany had served her purpose. Tak had his perfect baby boy; the one he was meant to have with Elle. With his light hair and eyes, no one would ever question who his real mother was.
He would have Johnny take care of Tiffany. Then he, himself, would take care of Johnny. Tak was outraged that one of his most loyal and trusted friends could betray him in the way Elle had described. Johnny’s punishment would be severe.
Tak looked toward the entrance of the conference room. He was eager to see Elle again. To have her walk through the door and anno
unce how excited she was about what he had created.
Elle must understand this was all for her.
Tak considered their meeting in the dressing room. He had underestimated the deepness of Elle’s friendship with the homosexual Mitch. And Kenji? He had been a surprise, too, but Tak wasn’t worried about him. He had dropped his head in shame within seconds of being challenged. No, Kenji wouldn’t do anything. He was weak in the way all gay men were.
Elle was all that mattered, anyway. Tak was confident she still had feelings for him. Why else would she have admitted to her husband that she had known him? And then there was Elle’s rage in the dressing room. It meant that she still cared. That he could still get such a strong reaction out of her excited Tak. When she had tried to hit him, he remembered her passion. A passion that in the past would have led to an explosive and exquisite lovemaking session.
Sex with Elle had been unforgettable. Better and more satisfying than with anyone else. She made Tak feel like a real man. He needed her. It was the memory of their intense physical bond that kept him going, gave him the strength to go through with his plan. It hadn’t been easy. It had taken time, but Tak would do whatever it took to get Elle back.
He had immediately regretted banishing her on the plane to Hawaii. Furious that she had taken the Brazilian soccer player into the cloakroom at his club, Tak had acted impulsively and made a mistake. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He had taken Elle’s birth control pills. She would be pregnant soon. They were going to have a family and be together forever.
Tak had nearly gotten on a plane the next day to retrieve Elle but knew he needed to make some changes first. He had behaved badly, and Elle would expect better. He decided to get serious. He stopped the drug use, sold Samantha’s, and, with his dad’s help, got a good job. The single relic from his old life he refused to give up was Johnny.
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