MY DOUBLE, AND HOW HE UNDID ME
ONE OF THE INGHAM PAPERS.
[A Boston journal, in noticing this story, called it improbable. I thinkit is. But I think the moral important. It was first published in theAtlantic Monthly for September, 1859.]
* * * * *
It is not often that I trouble the readers of the Atlantic Monthly. Ishould not trouble them now, but for the importunities of my wife, who"feels to insist" that a duty to society is unfulfilled, till I havetold why I had to have a double, and how he undid me. She is sure, shesays, that intelligent persons cannot understand that pressure uponpublic servants which alone drives any man into the employment of adouble. And while I fear she thinks, at the bottom of her heart, that myfortunes will never be remade, she has a faint hope that, as anotherRasselas, I may teach a lesson to future publics, from which they mayprofit, though we die. Owing to the behavior of my double, or, if youplease, to that public pressure which compelled me to employ him, I haveplenty of leisure to write this communication.
I am, or rather was, a minister, of the Sandemanian connection. I wassettled in the active, wide-awake town of Naguadavick, on one of thefinest water-powers in Maine. We used to call it a Western town in theheart of the civilization of New England. A charming place it was andis. A spirited, brave young parish had I; and it seemed as if we mighthave all "the joy of eventful living" to our heart's content.
Alas! how little we knew on the day of my ordination, and in thosehalcyon moments of our first house-keeping. To be the confidentialfriend in a hundred families in the town,--cutting the social trifle, asmy friend Haliburton says, "from the top of the whipped syllabub to thebottom of the sponge-cake, which is the foundation,"--to keep abreast ofthe thought of the age in one's study, and to do one's best on Sunday tointerweave that thought with the active life of an active town, and toinspirit both and make both infinite by glimpses of the Eternal Glory,seemed such an exquisite forelook into one's life! Enough to do, and allso real and so grand! If this vision could only have lasted!
The truth is, that this vision was not in itself a delusion, nor,indeed, half bright enough. If one could only have been left to do hisown business, the vision would have accomplished itself and brought outnew paraheliacal visions, each as bright as the original. The misery wasand is, as we found out, I and Polly, before long, that besides thevision, and besides the usual human and finite failures in life (such asbreaking the old pitcher that came over in the "Mayflower" and puttinginto the fire the Alpenstock with which her father climbed MontBlanc),--besides these, I say (imitating the style of Robinson Crusoe),there were pitchforked in on us a great rowen-heap of humbugs, handeddown from some unknown seed-time, in which we were expected, and Ichiefly, to fulfil certain public functions before the community, of thecharacter of those fulfilled by the third row of supernumeraries whostand behind the Sepoys in the spectacle of the "Cataract of theGanges." They were the duties, in a word, which one performs as memberof one or another social class or subdivision, wholly distinct from whatone does as A. by himself A. What invisible power put these functions onme, it would be very hard to tell. But such power there was and is. AndI had not been at work a year before I found I was living two lives, onereal and one merely functional,--for two sets of people, one my parish,whom I loved, and the other a vague public, for whom I did not care twostraws. All this was in a vague notion, which everybody had and has,that this second life would eventually bring out some great results,unknown at present, to somebody somewhere.
Crazed by this duality of life, I first read Dr. Wigan on the "Dualityof the Brain," hoping that I could train one side of my head to do theseoutside jobs, and the other to do my intimate and real duties. ForRichard Greenough once told me, that, in studying for the statue ofFranklin, he found that the left side of the great man's face wasphilosophic and reflective, and the right side funny and smiling. If youwill go and look at the bronze statue, you will find he has repeatedthis observation there for posterity. The eastern profile is theportrait of the statesman Franklin, the western of poor Richard. But Dr.Wigan does not go into these niceties of this subject, and I failed. Itwas then that, on my wife's suggestion, I resolved to look out for aDouble.
I was, at first, singularly successful. We happened to be recreating atStafford Springs that summer. We rode out one day, for one of therelaxations of that watering-place, to the great Monson Poorhouse. Wewere passing through one of the large halls, when my destiny wasfulfilled!
He was not shaven. He had on no spectacles. He was dressed in a greenbaize roundabout and faded blue overalls, worn sadly at the knee. But Isaw at once that he was of my height, five feet four and a half. He hadblack hair, worn off by his hat. So have and have not I. He stooped inwalking. So do I. His hands were large, and mine. And--choicest gift ofFate in all--he had, not "a strawberry-mark on his left arm," but a cutfrom a juvenile brickbat over his right eye, slightly affecting the playof that eyebrow. Reader, so have I! My fate was sealed!
A word with Mr. Holley, one of the inspectors, settled the whole thing.It proved that this Dennis Shea was a harmless, amiable fellow, of theclass known as shiftless, who had sealed his fate by marrying a dumbwife, who was at that moment ironing in the laundry. Before I leftStafford, I had hired both for five years. We had applied to JudgePynchon, then the probate judge at Springfield, to change the name ofDennis Shea to Frederic Ingham. We had explained to the Judge, what wasthe precise truth, that an eccentric gentleman wished to adopt Dennis,under this new name, into his family. It never occurred to him thatDennis might be more than fourteen years old. And thus, to shorten thispreface, when we returned at night to my parsonage at Naguadavick, thereentered Mrs. Ingham, her new dumb laundress, myself, who am Mr. FredericIngham, and my double, who was Mr. Frederic Ingham by as good right asI.
O the fun we had the next morning in shaving his beard to my pattern,cutting his hair to match mine, and teaching him how to wear and how totake off gold-bowed spectacles! Really, they were electro-plate, and theglass was plain (for the poor fellow's eyes were excellent). Then infour successive afternoons I taught him four speeches. I had found thesewould be quite enough for the supernumerary-Sepoy line of life, and itwas well for me they were; for though he was good-natured, he was veryshiftless, and it was, as our national proverb says, "like pullingteeth," to teach him. But at the end of the next week he could say, withquite my easy and frisky air,--
1. "Very well, thank you. And you?" This for a answer to casualsalutations.
2. "I am very glad you liked it."
3. "There has been so much said, and, on the whole, so well said, that Iwill not occupy the time."
4. "I agree, in general, with my friend the other side of the room."
At first I had a feeling that I was going to be at great cost forclothing him. But it proved, of course, at once, that, whenever he wasout, I should be at home. And I went, during the bright period of hissuccess, to so few of those awful pageants which require a blackdress-coat and what the ungodly call, after Mr. Dickens, a white choker,that in the happy retreat of my own dressing-gowns and jackets my dayswent by as happily and cheaply as those of another Thalaba. And Pollydeclares there was never a year when the tailoring cost so little. Helived (Dennis, not Thalaba) in his wife's room over the kitchen. He hadorders never to show himself at that window. When he appeared in thefront of the house, I retired to my sanctissimum and my dressing-gown.In short, the Dutchman and his wife, in the old weather-box, had notless to do with each other than he and I. He made the furnace-fire andsplit the wood before daylight; then he went to sleep again, and sleptlate; then came for orders, with a red silk bandanna tied round hishead, with his overalls on, and his dress-coat and spectacles off. If wehappened to be interrupted, no one guessed that he was Frederic Inghamas well as I; and, in the neighborhood, there grew up an impression thatthe minister's Irishman worked day-times in the factory-village at NewCoventry. After I had given him his orders, I never saw him till thenext day.
I launched him by sending him to a meeting of the Enlightenment Board.The Enlightenment Board consists of seventy-four members, of whomsixty-seven are necessary to form a quorum. One becomes a member underthe regulations laid down in old Judge Dudley's will. I became one bybeing ordained pastor of a church in Naguadavick. You see you cannothelp yourself, if you would. At this particular time we had had foursuccessive meetings, averaging four hours each,--wholly occupied inwhipping in a quorum. At the first only eleven men were present; at thenext, by force of three circulars, twenty-seven; at the third, thanks totwo days' canvassing by Auchmuty and myself, begging men to come, we hadsixty. Half the others were in Europe. But without a quorum we could donothing. All the rest of us waited grimly for our four hours, andadjourned without any action. At the fourth meeting we had flagged, andonly got fifty-nine together. But on the first appearance of mydouble,--whom I sent on this fatal Monday to the fifth meeting,--he wasthe _sixty-seventh_ man who entered the room. He was greeted with astorm of applause! The poor fellow had missed his way,--read the streetsigns ill through his spectacles (very ill, in fact, without them),--andhad not dared to inquire. He entered the room,--finding the presidentand secretary holding to their chairs two judges of the Supreme Court,who were also members _ex officio_, and were begging leave to go away.On his entrance all was changed. _Presto_, the by-laws were suspended,and the Western property was given away. Nobody stopped to converse withhim. He voted, as I had charged him to do, in every instance, with theminority. I won new laurels as a man of sense, though a littleunpunctual,--and Dennis, _alias_ Ingham, returned to the parsonage,astonished to see with how little wisdom the world is governed. He cut afew of my parishioners in the street; but he had his glasses off, and Iam known to be near-sighted. Eventually he recognized them more readilythan I.
I "set him again" at the exhibition of the New Coventry Academy; andhere he undertook a "speaking part,"--as, in my boyish, worldly days, Iremember the bills used to say of Mlle. Celeste. We are all trustees ofthe New Coventry Academy; and there has lately been "a good deal offeeling" because the Sandemanian trustees did not regularly attend theexhibitions. It has been intimated, indeed, that the Sandemanians areleaning towards Free-Will, and that we have, therefore, neglected thesesemiannual exhibitions, while there is no doubt that Auchmuty last yearwent to Commencement at Waterville. Now the head master at New Coventryis a real good fellow, who knows a Sanskrit root when he sees it, andoften cracks etymologies with me,--so that, in strictness, I ought to goto their exhibitions. But think, reader, of sitting through three longJuly days in that Academy chapel, following the programme from
TUESDAY MORNING. _English Composition._ "SUNSHINE." Miss Jones.
round to
_Trio on Three Pianos._ Duel from the Opera of "Midshipman Easy." _Marryat_.
coming in at nine, Thursday evening! Think of this, reader, for men whoknow the world is trying to go backward, and who would give their livesif they could help it on! Well! The double had succeeded so well at theBoard, that I sent him to the Academy. (Shade of Plato, pardon!) Hearrived early on Tuesday, when, indeed, few but mothers and clergymenare generally expected, and returned in the evening to us, covered withhonors. He had dined at the right hand of the chairman, and he spoke inhigh terms of the repast. The chairman had expressed his interest in theFrench conversation. "I am very glad you liked it," said Dennis; and thepoor chairman, abashed, supposed the accent had been wrong. At the endof the day, the gentlemen present had been called upon forspeeches,--the Rev. Frederic Ingham first, as it happened; upon whichDennis had risen, and had said, "There has been so much said, and, onthe whole, so well said, that I will not occupy the time." The girlswere delighted, because Dr. Dabney, the year before, had given them atthis occasion a scolding on impropriety of behavior at lyceum lectures.They all declared Mr. Ingham was a love,--and _so_ handsome! (Dennis isgood-looking.) Three of them, with arms behind the others' waists,followed him up to the wagon he rode home in; and a little girl with ablue sash had been sent to give him a rosebud. After this _debut_ inspeaking, he went to the exhibition for two days more, to the mutualsatisfaction of all concerned. Indeed, Polly reported that he hadpronounced the trustees' dinners of a higher grade than those of theparsonage. When the next term began, I found six of the Academy girlshad obtained permission to come across the river and attend our church.But this arrangement did not long continue.
After this he went to several Commencements for me, and ate the dinnersprovided; he sat through three of our Quarterly Conventions forme,--always voting judiciously, by the simple rule mentioned above, ofsiding with the minority. And I, meanwhile, who had before been losingcaste among my friends, as holding myself aloof from the associations ofthe body, began to rise in everybody's favor. "Ingham's a goodfellow,--always on hand "; "never talks much, but does the right thingat the right time"; "is not as unpunctual as he used to be,--he comesearly, and sits through to the end." "He has got over his old talkativehabit, too. I spoke to a friend of his about it once; and I think Inghamtook it kindly," etc., etc.
This voting power of Dennis was particularly valuable at the quarterlymeetings of the proprietors of the Naguadavick Ferry. My wife inheritedfrom her father some shares in that enterprise, which is not yet fullydeveloped, though it doubtless will become a very valuable property. Thelaw of Maine then forbade stockholders to appear by proxy at suchmeetings. Polly disliked to go, not being, in fact, a "hens'-rightshen," transferred her stock to me. I, after going once, disliked it morethan she. But Dennis went to the next meeting, and liked it very much.He said the arm-chairs were good, the collation good, and the free ridesto stockholders pleasant. He was a little frightened when they firsttook him upon one of the ferry-boats, but after two or three quarterlymeetings he became quite brave.
Thus far I never had any difficulty with him. Indeed, being, as Iimplied, of that type which is called shiftless, he was only too happyto be told daily what to do, and to be charged not to be forthputting orin any way original in his discharge of that duty. He learned, however,to discriminate between the lines of his life, and very much preferredthese stockholders' meetings and trustees' dinners and Commencementcollations to another set of occasions, from which he used to beg offmost piteously. Our excellent brother, Dr. Fillmore, had taken a notionat this time that our Sandemanian churches needed more expression ofmutual sympathy. He insisted upon it that we were remiss. He said, that,if the Bishop came to preach at Naguadavick, all the Episcopal clergy ofthe neighborhood were present; if Dr. Pond came, all the Congregationalclergymen turned out to hear him; if Dr. Nichols, all the Unitarians;and he thought we owed it to each other, that, whenever there was anoccasional service at a Sandemanian church, the other brethren shouldall, if possible, attend. "It looked well," if nothing more. Now thisreally meant that I had not been to hear one of Dr. Fillmore's lectureson the Ethnology of Religion. He forgot that he did not hear one of mycourse on the "Sandemanianism of Anselm." But I felt badly when he saidit; and afterwards I always made Dennis go to hear all the brethrenpreach, when I was not preaching myself. This was what he tookexceptions to,--the only thing, as I said, which he ever did except to.Now came the advantage of his long morning-nap, and of the green teawith which Polly supplied the kitchen. But he would plead, so humbly, tobe let off, only from one or two! I never excepted him, however. I knewthe lectures were of value, and I thought it best he should be able tokeep the connection.
Polly is more rash than I am, as the reader has observed in the outsetof this memoir. She risked Dennis one night under the eyes of her ownsex. Governor Gorges had always been very kind to us, and, when he gavehis great annual party to the town, asked us. I confess I hated to go. Iwas deep in the new volume of Pfeiffer's "Mystics," which Haliburton hadjust sent me from Boston. "But how rude," said Polly, "not to return theGovernor's civility and Mrs. Gorges's, when they will be sure to ask whyyou are away!" Still I demurred, and at last she, with the wit of Eveand of Semiramis conjoined, let me off by saying
that, if I would go inwith her, and sustain the initial conversations with the Governor andthe ladies staying there, she would risk Dennis for the rest of theevening. And that was just what we did. She took Dennis in training allthat afternoon, instructed him in fashionable conversation, cautionedhim against the temptations of the supper-table,--and at nine in theevening he drove us all down in the carryall. I made the grandstar-_entree_ with Polly and the pretty Walton girls, who were stayingwith us. We had put Dennis into a great rough top-coat, without hisglasses: and the girls never dreamed, in the darkness, of looking athim. He sat in the carriage, at the door, while we entered. I did theagreeable to Mrs. Gorges, was introduced to her niece, Miss Fernanda; Icomplimented Judge Jeffries on his decision in the great case ofD'Aulnay _vs._ Laconia Mining Company; I stepped into the dressing-roomfor a moment, stepped out for another, walked home after a nod withDennis and tying the horse to a pump; and while I walked home, Mr.Frederic Ingham, my double, stepped in through the library into theGorges's grand saloon.
Oh! Polly died of laughing as she told me of it at midnight! And evenhere, where I have to teach my hands to hew the beech for stakes tofence our cave, she dies of laughing as she recalls it,--and says thatsingle occasion was worth all we have paid for it. Gallant Eve that sheis! She joined Dennis at the library-door, and in an instant presentedhim to Dr. Ochterlony, from Baltimore, who was on a visit in town, andwas talking with her as Dennis came in. "Mr. Ingham would like to hearwhat you were telling us about your success among the Germanpopulation." And Dennis bowed and said, in spite of a scowl from Polly,"I'm very glad you liked it." But Dr. Ochterlony did not observe, andplunged into the tide of explanation; Dennis listened like aprime-minister, and bowing like a mandarin, which is, I suppose, thesame thing. Polly declared it was just like Haliburton's Latinconversation with the Hungarian minister, of which he is very fond oftelling. "_Quaene sit historia Reformationis in Ungaria?_" quothHaliburton, after some thought. And his _confrere_ replied gallantly,"_In seculo decimo tertio_," etc., etc., etc.; and from _decimotertio_[P] to the nineteenth century and a half lasted till the oysterscame. So was it that before Dr. Ochterlony came to the "success," ornear it, Governor Gorges came to Dennis, and asked him to hand Mrs.Jeffries down to supper, a request which he heard with great joy.
Polly was skipping round the room, I guess, gay as a lark. Auchmuty cameto her "in pity for poor Ingham," who was so bored by the stupidpundit,--and Auchmuty could not understand why I stood it so long. Butwhen Dennis took Mrs. Jeffries down, Polly could not resist standingnear them. He was a little flustered, till the sight of the eatables anddrinkables gave him the same Mercian courage which it gave Diggory. Alittle excited then, he attempted one or two of his speeches to theJudge's lady. But little he knew how hard it was to get in even a_promptu_ there edgewise. "Very well, I thank you," said he, after theeating elements were adjusted; "and you?" And then did not he have tohear about the mumps, and the measles, and arnica, and belladonna, andchamomile-flower, and dodecatheon, till she changed oysters for salad;and then about the old practice and the new, and what her sister said,and what her sister's friend said, and what the physician to hersister's friend said, and then what was said by the brother of thesister of the physician of the friend of her sister, exactly as if ithad been in Ollendorff? There was a moment's pause, as she declinedChampagne. "I am very glad you liked it," said Dennis again, which henever should have said but to one who complimented a sermon. "Oh! youare so sharp, Mr. Ingham! No! I never drink any wine at all,--exceptsometimes in summer a little currant shrub,--from our own currants, youknow. My own mother,--that is, I call her my own mother, because, youknow, I do not remember," etc., etc., etc.; till they came to thecandied orange at the end of the feast, when Dennis, rather confused,thought he must say something, and tried No. 4,--"I agree, in general,with my friend the other side of the room,"--which he never should havesaid but at a public meeting. But Mrs. Jeffries, who never listensexpecting to understand, caught him up instantly with "Well, I'm sure myhusband returns the compliment; he always agrees with you,--though we doworship with the Methodists; but you know, Mr. Ingham," etc., etc.,etc., till the move up-stairs; and as Dennis led her through the hall,he was scarcely understood by any but Polly, as he said, "There has beenso much said, and, on the whole, so well said, that I will not occupythe time."
His great resource the rest of the evening was standing in the library,carrying on animated conversations with one and another in much the sameway. Polly had initiated him in the mysteries of a discovery of mine,that it is not necessary to finish your sentences in a crowd, but by asort of mumble, omitting sibilants and dentals. This, indeed, if yourwords fail you, answers even in public extempore speech, but betterwhere other talking is going on. Thus: "We missed you at the NaturalHistory Society, Ingham." Ingham replies, "I am very gligloglum, thatis, that you were mmmmm." By gradually dropping the voice, theinterlocutor is compelled to supply the answer. "Mrs. Ingham, I hopeyour friend Augusta is better." Augusta has not been ill. Polly cannotthink of explaining, however, and answers, "Thank you, Ma'am; she isvery rearason wewahwewoh," in lower and lower tones. And Mrs.Throckmorton, who forgot the subject of which she spoke as soon as sheasked the question, is quite satisfied. Dennis could see into thecard-room, and came to Polly to ask if he might not go and playall-fours. But, of course, she sternly refused. At midnight they camehome delighted,--Polly, as I said, wild to tell me the story of thevictory; only both the pretty Walton girls said, "Cousin Frederic, youdid not come near me all the evening."
We always called him Dennis at home, for convenience, though his realname was Frederic Ingham, as I have explained. When the election-daycame round, however, I found that by some accident there was only oneFrederic Ingham's name on the voting-list; and as I was quite busy thatday in writing some foreign letters to Halle, I thought I would foregomy privilege of suffrage, and stay quietly at home, telling Dennis thathe might use the record on the voting-list, and vote. I gave him aticket, which I told him he might use, if he liked to. That was thatvery sharp election in Maine which the readers of the Atlantic so wellremember, and it had been intimated in public that the ministers woulddo well not to appear at the polls. Of course, after that, we had toappear by self or proxy. Still, Naguadavick was not then a city, andthis standing in a double queue at town-meeting several hours to votewas a bore of the first water; and so when I found that there was butone Frederic Ingham on the list, and that one of us must give up, Istayed at home and finished the letters (which, indeed, procured forFothergill his coveted appointment of Professor of Astronomy atLeavenworth), and I gave Dennis, as we called him, the chance. Somethingin the matter gave a good deal of popularity to the Frederic Inghamname; and at the adjourned election, next week, Frederic Ingham waschosen to the legislature. Whether this was I or Dennis I never reallyknew. My friends seemed to think it was I; but I felt that as Dennis haddone the popular thing, he was entitled to the honor; so I sent him toAugusta when the time came, and he took the oaths. And a very valuablemember he made. They appointed him on the Committee on Parishes; but Iwrote a letter for him, resigning, on the ground that he took aninterest in our claim to the stumpage in the minister's sixteenths ofGore A, next No. 7, in the 10th Range. He never made any speeches, andalways voted with the minority, which was what he was sent to do. Hemade me and himself a great many good friends, some of whom I did notafterwards recognize as quickly as Dennis did my parishioners. On one ortwo occasions, when there was wood to saw at home, I kept him at home;but I took those occasions to go to Augusta myself. Finding myself oftenin his vacant seat at these times, I watched the proceedings with a gooddeal of care; and once was so much excited that I delivered my somewhatcelebrated speech on the Central School-District question, a speech ofwhich the "State of Maine" printed some extra copies. I believe there isno formal rule permitting strangers to speak; but no one objected.
Dennis himself, as I said, never spoke at all. But our experience thissession led me to think that if, by some such "genera
l understanding" asthe reports speak of in legislation daily, every member of Congressmight leave a double to sit through those deadly sessions and answer toroll-calls and do the legitimate party-voting, which appears stereotypedin the regular list of Ashe, Bocock, Black, etc., we should gaindecidedly in working-power. As things stand, the saddest State prison Iever visit is that Representatives' Chamber in Washington. If a manleaves for an hour, twenty "correspondents" may be howling, "Where wasMr. Pendergrast when the Oregon bill passed?" And if poor Pendergraststays there! Certainly the worst use you can make of a man is to put himin prison!
I know, indeed, that public men of the highest rank have resorted tothis expedient long ago. Dumas's novel of the "Iron Mask" turns on thebrutal imprisonment of Louis the Fourteenth's double. There seems littledoubt, in our own history, that it was the real General Pierce who shedtears when the delegate from Lawrence explained to him the sufferings ofthe people there, and only General Pierce's double who had given theorders for the assault on that town, which was invaded the next day. Mycharming friend, George Withers, has, I am almost sure, a double, whopreaches his afternoon sermons for him. This is the reason that thetheology often varies so from that of the forenoon. But that double isalmost as charming as the original. Some of the most well defined men,who stand out most prominently on the background of history, are in thisway stereoscopic men, who owe their distinct relief to the slightdifferences between the doubles. All this I know. My present suggestionis simply the great extension of the system, so that all publicmachine-work may be done by it.
But I see I loiter on my story, which is rushing to the plunge. Let mestop an instant more, however, to recall, were it only to myself, thatcharming year while all was yet well. After the double had become amatter of course, for nearly twelve months before he undid me, what ayear it was! Full of active life, full of happy love, of the hardestwork, of the sweetest sleep, and the fulfilment of so many of the freshaspirations and dreams of boyhood! Dennis went to every school-committeemeeting, and sat through all those late wranglings which used to keep meup till midnight and awake till morning. He attended all the lectures towhich foreign exiles sent me tickets begging me to come for the love ofHeaven and of Bohemia. He accepted and used all the tickets for charityconcerts which were sent to me. He appeared everywhere where it wasspecially desirable that "our denomination," or "our party," or "ourclass," or "our family," or "our street," or "our town," or "ourcountry," or "our State," should be fully represented. And I fell backto that charming life which in boyhood one dreams of, when he supposeshe shall do his own duty and make his own sacrifices, without being tiedup with those of other people. My rusty Sanskrit, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek,Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, German, and English began to takepolish. Heavens! how little I had done with them while I attended to my_public_ duties! My calls on my parishioners became the friendly,frequent, homelike sociabilities they were meant to be, instead of thehard work of a man goaded to desperation by the sight of his lists ofarrears. And preaching! what a luxury preaching was when I had on Sundaythe whole result of an individual, personal week, from which to speak toa people whom all that week I had been meeting as hand-to-handfriend;--I, never tired on Sunday, and in condition to leave the sermonat home, if I chose, and preach it extempore, as all men should doalways. Indeed, I wonder, when I think that a sensible people, likeours,--really more attached to their clergy than they were in the lostdays, when the Mathers and Nortons were noblemen,--should choose toneutralize so much of their ministers' lives, and destroy so much oftheir early training, by this undefined passion for seeing them inpublic. It springs from our balancing of sects. If a spiritedEpiscopalian takes an interest in the almshouse, and is put on the PoorBoard, every other denomination must have a minister there, lest thepoorhouse be changed into St. Paul's Cathedral. If a Sandemanian ischosen president of the Young Men's Library, there must be a Methodistvice-president and a Baptist secretary. And if a UniversalistSunday-School Convention collects five hundred delegates, the nextCongregationalist Sabbath-School Conference must be as large, "lest'they'--whoever _they_ may be--should think 'we'--whoever _we_ maybe--are going down."
Freed from these necessities, that happy year I began to know my wife bysight. We saw each other sometimes. In those long mornings, when Denniswas in the study explaining to map-peddlers that, I had eleven maps ofJerusalem already, and to school-book agents that I would see themhanged before I would be bribed to introduce their text-books into theschools,--she and I were at work together, as in those old dreamydays,--and in these of our log-cabin again. But all this could notlast,--and at length poor Dennis, my double, overtasked in turn, undidme.
It was thus it happened. There is an excellent fellow, once aminister,--I will call him Isaacs,--who deserves well of the world tillhe dies, and after, because he once, in a real exigency, did the rightthing, in the right way, at the right time, as no other man could do it.In the world's great football match, the ball by chance found himloitering on the outside of the field; he closed with it, "camped" it,charged it home,--yes, right through the other side,--not disturbed, notfrightened by his own success,--and breathless found himself a greatman, as the Great Delta rang applause. But he did not find himself arich man; and the football has never come in his way again. From thatmoment to this moment he has been of no use, that one can see at all.Still, for that great act we speak of Isaacs gratefully and remember himkindly; and he forges on, hoping to meet the football somewhere again.In that vague hope, he had arranged a "movement" for a generalorganization of the human family into Debating-Clubs, County Societies,State Unions, etc., etc., with a view of inducing all children to takehold of the handles of their knives and forks, instead of the metal.Children have bad habits in that way. The movement, of course, wasabsurd; but we all did our best to forward, not it, but him. It cametime for the annual county-meeting on this subject to be held atNaguadavick. Isaacs came round, good fellow! to arrange for it,--got thetown-hall, got the Governor to preside (the saint!--he ought to havetriplet doubles provided him by law), and then came to get me to speak."No," I said, "I would not speak, if ten Governors presided. I do notbelieve in the enterprise. If I spoke, it should be to say childrenshould take hold of the prongs of the forks and the blades of theknives. I would subscribe ten dollars, but I would not speak a mill." Sopoor Isaacs went his way sadly, to coax Auchmuty to speak, andDelafield. I went out. Not long after he came back, and told Polly thatthey had promised to speak, the Governor would speak, and he himselfwould close with the quarterly report, and some interesting anecdotesregarding Miss Biffin's way of handling her knife and Mr. Nellis's wayof footing his fork. "Now if Mr. Ingham will only come and sit on theplatform, he need not say one word; but it will show well in thepaper,--it will show that the Sandemanians take as much interest in themovement as the Armenians or the Mesopotamians, and will be a greatfavor to me." Polly, good soul! was tempted, and she promised. She knewMrs. Isaacs was starving, and the babies,--she knew Dennis was athome,--and she promised! Night came, and I returned. I heard her story.I was sorry. I doubted. But Polly had promised to beg me, and I daredall! I told Dennis to hold his peace, under all circumstances, and senthim down.
It was not half an hour more before he returned, wild withexcitement,--in a perfect Irish fury,--which it was long before Iunderstood. But I knew at once that he had undone me!
What happened was this. The audience got together, attracted by GovernorGorges's name. There were a thousand people. Poor Gorges was late fromAugusta. They became impatient. He came in direct from the train atlast, really ignorant of the object of the meeting. He opened it in thefewest possible words, and said other gentlemen were present who wouldentertain them better than he. The audience were disappointed, butwaited. The Governor, prompted by Isaacs, said, "The Honorable Mr.Delafield will address you." Delafield had forgotten the knives andforks, and was playing the Ruy Lopez opening at the chess-club. "TheRev. Mr. Auchmuty will address you." Auchmuty had promised to speaklate, and was at the school-commi
ttee. "I see Dr. Stearns in the hall;perhaps he will say a word." Dr. Stearns said he had come to listen andnot to speak The Governor and Isaacs whispered. The Governor looked atDennis, who was resplendent on the platform; but Isaacs, to give him hisdue, shook his head. But the look was enough. A miserable lad, ill-bred,who had once been in Boston, thought it would sound well to call for me,and peeped out, "Ingham!" A few more wretches cried, "Ingham! Ingham!"Still Isaacs was firm; but the Governor, anxious, indeed, to prevent arow, knew I would say something, and said, "Our friend Mr. Ingham isalways prepared; and, though we had not relied upon him, he will say aword perhaps." Applause followed, which turned Dennis's head. He rose,fluttered, and tried No. 3: "There has been so much said, and, on thewhole, so well said, that I will not longer occupy the time!" and satdown, looking for his hat; for things seemed squally. But the peoplecried, "Go on! go on!" and some applauded. Dennis, still confused, butflattered by the applause, to which neither he nor I are used, roseagain, and this time tried No. 2: "I am very glad you liked it!" in asonorous, clear delivery. My best friends stared. All the people who didnot know me personally yelled with delight at the aspect of the evening;the Governor was beside himself, and poor Isaacs thought he was undone!Alas, it was I! A boy in the gallery cried in a loud tone, "It's all aninfernal humbug," just as Dennis, waving his hand, commanded silence,and tried No. 4: "I agree, in general, with my friend the other side ofthe room." The poor Governor doubted his senses and crossed to stophim,--not in time, however. The same gallery-boy shouted, "How's yourmother?" and Dennis, now completely lost, tried, as his last shot, No.1, vainly: "Very well, thank you; and you?"
I think I must have been undone already. But Dennis, like anotherLockhard, chose "to make sicker."
The audience rose in a whirl of amazement, rage, and sorrow. Some otherimpertinence, aimed at Dennis, broke all restraint, and, in pure Irish,he delivered himself of an address to the gallery, inviting any personwho wished to fight to come down and do so,--stating, that they were alldogs and cowards and the sons of dogs and cowards,--that he would takeany five of them single-handed. "Shure, I have said all his Riverenceand the Misthress bade me say," cried he, in defiance; and, seizing theGovernor's cane from his hand, brandished it, quarter-staff fashion,above his head. He was, indeed, got from the hall only with the greatestdifficulty by the Governor, the City Marshal, who had been called in,and the Superintendent of my Sunday-School.
The universal impression, of course, was, that the Rev. Frederic Inghamhad lost all command of himself in some of those haunts of intoxicationwhich for fifteen years I have been laboring to destroy. Till thismoment, indeed, that is the impression in Naguadavick. This number ofthe Atlantic will relieve from it a hundred friends of mine who havebeen sadly wounded by that notion now for years; but I shall not belikely ever to show my head there again.
No! My double has undone me.
We left town at seven the next morning. I came to No. 9, in the ThirdRange, and settled on the Minister's Lot. In the new towns in Maine, thefirst settled minister has a gift of a hundred acres of land.
I am the first settled minister in No. 9. My wife and little Paulinaare my parish. We raise corn enough to live on in summer. We kill bear'smeat enough to carbonize it in winter. I work on steadily on my "Tracesof Sandemanianism in the Sixth and Seventh Centuries," which I hope topersuade Phillips, Sampson, & Co. to publish next year. We are veryhappy, but the world thinks we are undone.
The Man Without a Country, and Other Tales Page 8