by L. C. Mawson
She turned and stormed out of the room.
“I know that!” I called after her, though I was sure that she didn’t hear.
And I did know that.
This didn’t mean anything, and neither had the last kiss.
That’s what I had been telling myself for months now.
It didn’t matter that it was the first kiss that had ever felt right.
I was just too drunk to know better.
And it didn’t matter that this kiss had felt just as good when I was sober.
It was just magical exhaustion.
It didn’t mean anything at all.
Chapter Seventeen
I skipped breakfast, unable to bring myself to face the others. I was sure that Natalie didn’t want me there, and Lena and Charlotte had been her friends first.
I picked up something to eat at break, knowing that the others would be at the library, and at lunch, I headed out to the gardens.
I was hungry again by that point, but I figured that I could pick something up just before the bell rang, making it easier to avoid everyone.
“Hey.”
The familiar voice pulled me from my thoughts, and I turned to see Willow sitting up in a large oak tree.
She slipped down from the branch she’d been perched on, landing gracefully beside me. “Don’t you normally spend lunch inside?”
“Normally,” I agreed, unable to keep the bitter edge from my tone.
She gave me a sympathetic look. “Want to tell me what happened?”
I folded my arms, not wanting to tell anyone.
“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the foul mood Natalie’s in, would it? Did you two have a fight?”
I looked down at the ground. “I honestly have no idea, Willow.”
“You don’t know if you two fought?” She must have seen something in my face as she looked me over, sighing and then nodding to a corner with two benches perpendicular to each other.
I went and followed her, sitting down on one of the benches. I almost expected her to sit on the other, but no, she sat down next to me.
She then took her wand and cast a spell that I recognised.
A privacy spell.
“Did you kiss her?” she asked as soon as the spell was up.
I stared at her, wondering if it was really that obvious.
She shrugged, presumably sensing my question. “You said that you hadn’t fought, but you’re both pretty upset. That seemed like the next logical conclusion.” She tucked a strand of fiery red hair behind a pointed ear. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but it looks like Natalie took the other friends in this fight, so if you want someone to talk to, I’m here.”
I sighed, looking down at my hands. I’d had my phone in one of them when Willow had called out to me, and now I popped one of the corners in and out of its case, the rhythm helping me think.
“It’s just so ridiculous,” I eventually said. “I mean... I guess I should tell you about the party. But it was just a drunken mistake. There was this guy there, and he... He wasn’t objectionable, and he didn’t hate me, and I’d only kissed a guy once before. And that had been terrible. I figured that I just needed to, you know, throw myself in the deep end. That of course kissing was gross, it’s all mouths and spit, and that I just needed to really get into it, and it would be fine.”
Willow nodded, taking a moment to realise what I was saying. “So, you tried to sleep with this guy at this party?”
“Yup.” I turned my phone over, going to fidget with one of the other corners. “And don’t get me wrong, he was trying with me as well. But... I don’t know. There was just something off. Like a siren going in the back of my head that I just couldn’t shut off, keeping me tense and unable to really get into it.
“I think he knew that I was struggling, and so when I figured it was time to call it and give up, he didn’t argue.”
“I take it the story doesn’t end there?”
“No. I immediately went downstairs and just started chugging wine. Which was when I met Natalie. I would say that I must have made a horrible impression, but I’m pretty sure that she was as drunk as I was.”
“And then you two kissed?”
I nodded, glad that I didn’t have to say it. “That was it, though. We just kissed. And I’m pretty sure she kissed me first. And then she almost bites me and freaks out, but of course, I didn’t know why she’d freaked out at the time. I just assumed it had hit her that it was a girl she was kissing.”
Willow shook her head. “Natalie’s been out as bisexual for as long as I’ve known her. I doubt you being a girl was a problem.” She looked me over. “Was it a problem for you?”
“Of course, it was! I mean, not for other people. If that’s what they’re into, that’s fine, but I’m not gay. Except for some reason, Natalie kissed me this morning and then freaked out on me because she thinks that I like her, even though I said that I’m happy just being friends, and I don’t know how to fix this.”
Willow sighed, regarding me for a moment.
“What?” I demanded, getting the feeling that there was something she wasn’t saying.
“Nothing. I just... You’re really sure that she’s making this up out of nowhere?”
I glared at her.
She shrugged. “Look, I’m not trying to recruit you or anything. I’m just saying, you know, most people would be affected by me lowering my suppression, but...”
“But?”
She shrugged again. “You were affected more than most.”
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. “So, what? You think I have a crush on you?”
“I think you’re being overly defensive. Which is fine. If you want, I’ll shut up about it. It’s none of my business. If Natalie’s wrong about your feelings, then she’s wrong. But if she’s not, just... don’t lie to her. That’s not fair to either of you.”
I groaned before running my free hand through my hair.
“What do you want me to say?” I finally asked. “That I liked the idea of romance, but I could never see myself with anyone? That I remember being a kid and watching a documentary about gay kids being disowned by their parents and knowing that I never wanted to risk going through that? That I always knew that girls were pretty, but refused to think more on it because I just wanted to be normal for once in my life?”
I jumped at the hand on my shoulder, turning to see Willow giving me an apologetic look.
“I’m sorry. I’ve always been different, I’ve always known that I wasn’t Human, and Elves don’t have the same hang-ups. I never cared about what the Human world thought of me. But I understand why you would.”
I snorted. “I’ve never been normal, either. But people just kept dangling it in front of me. As if I could get there if I just tried a little harder. Pushed myself a little bit more.” I looked back down at my phone. “I guess I might have pushed myself too far. There are some things I can never change. I can never be neurotypical, and I guess I can also never be...”
“Straight?” Willow finished for me.
I managed to nod, doubting that I could form words even if I tried.
Even if there wasn’t any way to hide it anymore, I’d been keeping this buried so far down that saying it aloud – admitting to it – felt wrong.
But not because it wasn’t true.
No, because it was setting off every alarm bell in my brain, warning me that this would be the last straw.
That I was finally giving up on ‘normal’ for good.
I snorted and Willow raised an eyebrow.
I sighed, my gaze still on my phone. “Why does this feel more like giving up on a normal life than getting attacked by Demons did?”
“Probably because you never had it relentlessly drilled into your head that being attacked by Demons wasn’t normal. Not in the same way.”
I turned to finally face her and realised just how close we were sitting.
Her gaze flickered down to
my lips and my heart jumped at the thought that she might close the space between us.
But then she pulled away, and I had to suppress a groan.
How much effort had I put into lying to myself?
Because now, I couldn’t deny that I had wanted Willow to kiss me.
Which really wasn’t what I needed right now.
It felt too much like driving a truck full of petrol into a bonfire.
Willow looked away, over to the other side of the path from our bench. “I think they want to talk to you.”
I followed her gaze to see Charlotte and Lena approaching as Willow lifted the privacy spell.
“I’ll let you talk,” Willow said before standing up.
“You don’t have to go.”
“No, I... I think I do.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll see you later.”
Willow didn’t respond as she walked away, and I found myself at a complete loss over her sudden coldness as Lena and Charlotte made their way over to me.
“Hey,” Charlotte said, drawing my attention as she went to sit on the bench next to mine. “Natalie told us what happened.”
I raised an eyebrow. “All of it? Including what happened over the summer?”
Lena nodded as she sat down next to Charlotte. “Yeah, she said that she almost bit you when you kissed. And then you two got close this morning, and she panicked, thinking she was going to bite you again. And now she feels like an asshole because apparently you weren’t in a great place last night – something about your mum being sick – and she freaked out on you this morning anyway.”
“If she feels like such an asshole, why isn’t she here to apologise?”
Charlotte sighed. “Because she wasn’t sure if you would even want to see her.”
I gripped my phone so tight that my knuckles turned white, having to admit that I probably wouldn’t have wanted to see her.
Because, yeah, that had been a dick move. I had been so fixated on her being wrong, that I hadn’t even realised what was fuelling the anger beneath it.
I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about what had happened, but I had trusted her anyway, and this was her response?
“Nat wouldn’t tell us the exact details of what’s wrong with your mum, but if you want to talk...”
“She’s cursed,” I admitted, not wanting there to be secrets between us anymore. Or at least, as few secrets as I could get away with. I still couldn’t risk telling them about Freya. “Demons attacked us before I came into my magic. I don’t know why, but I think they were after me.”
Lena winced. “Yeah, I guess if your aunt works with the Guardians from time to time, they might have seen you as an easy target. They wouldn’t go after Humans – not intentionally – because they don’t think magical beings can keep caring about our Human families after we break through. But if you were a Witch who just hadn’t broken through yet, with Human parents... Like I said, an easy target.”
I nodded, glad that she’d managed to find an explanation on her own. “Well, whatever their reason, they cursed my mum, and now no one knows how to lift the curse. And the last conversation we had was an argument about coming here...” I hadn’t even meant to say that last part, not looking for pity, but it had just spilled from my mouth before I’d really thought about it. “Did you hear about what happened in self-defence class?”
Lena smirked. “That Victoria cursed you? Yeah, everyone was talking about it. She’s got detention for the next month. I don’t think you were meant to even notice it, but when you tried to fight it, she just kept fuelling it instead of letting it break.”
“It was the same curse, or at least similar to the one the Demons used on me and my family when they attacked, to stop us from fighting back. I... I’ve never felt so helpless.”
Lena’s smirk faded. “I’m sorry, Lia. I didn’t know.” She turned to Charlotte. “You must know how to break it.” She turned back to me. “Charlotte’s going to apply for research places at covens once she graduates. It’s a cushy job if you can get it, all your responsibilities to the coven like earning your living elsewhere are suspended so that you can focus on helping to develop magical knowledge. And then it’s a straight shot to Lorekeeper, and probably Coven Head.”
Charlotte placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder, silencing her rambling before turning back to me. “I think what Lena is trying to say is that I’m specialising in curses and curse breaking. And I can help you look into it, but if she already has dedicated healers working on her case, they are likely consulting more knowledgeable people than me.”
I nodded as I looked back down at my phone.
If Charlotte was studying this and didn’t think that she could help, then what chance did I have?
But I dismissed that thought. I had the book Ms Maltere had given me.
I just needed to know enough magic to understand it.
Or have Natalie help with it, but that required her talking to me.
I supposed I could show Charlotte the book, but I wasn’t sure how she would react to a book that had been restricted.
I sighed, deciding to refocus before the tears welling in my eyes could finally fall. “So... Natalie really feels bad about this morning?”
Charlotte nodded. “It’s like Lena said, she thought that you were getting too close, and she was afraid that she was going to bite you.”
I glared at her. “I don’t know why she would think that, though. We agreed to just be friends. And I don’t even like her like that. I mean, I’m not...”
My familiar defence died on my tongue as I realised that it didn’t feel right.
It felt almost... Well, hollow at best.
And like a lie at worst.
Lena smiled, shaking her head. “Sorry, Lia, Charlotte is already the token straight of our little friend group.”
Charlotte sighed, also smiling a little. “The token straight, the token Litcorde, and the token trans girl. I guess I’m the only one bringing sorely needed diversity to this group.”
Lena whacked her in the arm. “She says to Lena Chen.” She sighed. “I never thought I would miss my glamour, but I am getting really sick of people here only seeing scales.”
Charlotte’s smile faded as she placed a hand on her friend’s arm. “I’m sorry, I only meant it as a joke, I didn’t think...”
Lena shook her head. “No, Lottie, it’s fine. I was joking too.” She smirked. “Just not very well, it seems.” She turned back to me. “Point is, you let your Energy loose and broadcast exactly how much you wanted Nat directly into her brain.” She made some rather lewd hand gestures, presumably to make sure that I didn’t miss what she meant by me ‘wanting’ Nat. “I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of ‘gay’.”
“I... What... I didn’t...” My cheeks must have been crimson at that point.
Lena, infuriatingly, just kept smirking. “Oh, you did. Energy doesn’t lie, Lia.”
Charlotte nodded, giving me a sympathetic look. “You didn’t know what you were doing, and Natalie understands that, but she’s scared.”
“Scared of what?”
Lena rolled her eyes. “She’s scared because she likes you, Lia. But she’s already almost bitten you once.”
My hand went to my neck, the ghost of Natalie’s fangs tracing over my skin. “Why is everyone talking as if that’s a death sentence?”
Charlotte was the one to answer me. “All magical beings have some way to share a part of themselves. Some kind of bonding process. For Vampires, it’s drinking blood. If a Vampire drinks blood from another magical being, it’s more intense than from a Human, and the magic of the two parties would entwine together. Forever.”
“It’s the Vampire version of marriage,” Lena clarified. “Most Vampires have enough restraint to only do it when they mean it, but Nat has more emotions than most. I don’t think she could stop herself from biting you if you got close, and while you may like her, I don’t think you’re looking to get magically hitched.”
> I nodded, suppressing a sigh.
Lena was right, if that really was the danger of Nat’s bite then it would be best for us to keep our distance.
But that didn’t erase the sting of finally owning up to the fact that I liked her, and learning that she liked me, only to be told seconds later that we couldn’t actually be together.
At least the heartache was solid proof that I had wanted her.
Which left me... Well, at a place that I didn’t really want to think about right this second.
“Think you’re up to hearing her apology?” Charlotte asked.
I nodded once more, figuring that we should get this over with as soon as possible so that things could just return to normal again.
Charlotte and Lena stood up, and I followed as they led me back to the dining hall.
Natalie was standing by the door, scrolling through something on her phone faster than she could possibly be reading as she worried her lower lip between her teeth.
She glanced up as we approached, her eyes wide as she saw me. Like a deer in the headlights.
“Hey,” I said, my voice coming out as little more than a whisper.
“Hey,” she replied as Charlotte and Lena stepped back to give us some privacy, though they didn’t leave completely.
Probably worried that this would all go down in flames, and I couldn’t say that that worry was completely unfounded.
“I wanted to apologise,” Natalie eventually said. “For this morning, I mean. I was scared and I lashed out when I shouldn’t have.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay, I just don’t understand why. I mean, even if I did communicate something I didn’t mean to in my Energy, before that...”
“Before that, we were kissing.”
“You kissed me,” I corrected.
“You were kissing me back.”
Blood rushed to my cheeks, and I wanted to argue, but any attempt died before it could reach my tongue.
Willow had asked me not to lie to Natalie, and I was pretty sure that arguing this would count.
“Before I had the chance to fully wake up and realise what I was doing, it seemed like a good idea,” Natalie continued. “Luckily, I did realise before it went too far, but... I’m sorry, Amy, but we need to be better about this. About keeping our distance. I don’t want to risk...”