Diary of a Wimpy Czarovitch

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Diary of a Wimpy Czarovitch Page 31

by JG Hampton

tutors have had me read some of the speeches of Abraham Lincoln. One was about a house divided not being able to stand. How does this pertain to the divided House of Romanovs. Few of my relatives agree on anything any more.

  It's will soon be Butter week. Mama is still sticking to her rationing. I long for rich pastries and omelettes filled with cheese rather than the oatmeal we eat for breakfast practically every morning. I am beginning to feel more like a peasant than a czarovitch.

  ."Alexei, oatmeal is better for you anyway. See, if you don't feel better because of it." said Mama who is positively a vegetarian by now. If it weren't for visits to Auntie Annya's small cottage where she sneaks me a few pastries and chocolates, I think I would shrivel up and blow away. I'm hoping that Grandmama returns from her travels soon. My Mama, the matushka of all Russia is too stringent. Must she give everything including the cream which used to go on my porridge to the poor? One can over do it a bit in my opinion.

  19 February, 1916 - 26 March 1916 - Mama and I went for a sleigh ride with all of the horses wearing their silver bells. We stopped to visit Uncle Paul at his mansion. He and Mama are becoming fervent friends now that Papa is always away at military headquarters. They discuss books they've read as well as politics. I find this boring, but I do like Uncle Paul. He tells us of his life in Europe which makes Mama rather nostalgic for England and her dead Grandmama who raised her. His son Dmitry is never home. Is he actually living with Cousin Irina and Felix at the Yousopouv mansion in Petrograd as rumored. Mama is most upset. At least Olga is no longer mooning over him.

  22 February, 1916 - 25 February, 1916 - Mama is so busy helping Papa helping Papa with minor domestic disputes in Russia and other diplomatic schemes, she never has much time for me. I have completed a three dimensional puzzle an artist made for me of Peterhoff. It is quite impressive and even Anastasia was pleased with my spatial and gluing abilities.

  "Alexei, perhaps when you're czar, you'll let me live in Peterhoff and build yourself a new palace." I know that palace is one of my sister's favorite residences.

  Our Russian diplomats in London have put out their feelers trying to find an English Lord willing to come to Russia to marry Olga if the price were right. There have been no takers. Apparently according to our English spies, they expect revolution here at any moment. Not even a lavish dowry can convince any distant cousins to immigrate here for a Russian bride as lovely as Olga. Hopefully, Grandmama can convince a distant Danish relative that he needs to marry in Russia and raise a family.

  26 February, 1916, - 12 March 1914 - Mama is surprisingly healthy and feisty. I reviewed my scratchings last year when she was being wheeled about the palace in her rattan wheelchair. One wouldn't recognize my Mama now. She no longer has time to complain about her sciatica or her enlarged heart, let alone an examination from the two good doctors. If only they would stop examining me! Making decisions is empowering as well as transforming for Mama.

  Anastasia and I have made new kites this year. I have designed a pentagon shaped one with a huge tail out of silk and clever Anastasia has made a kite resembling a bat of black silk. Our tutors have required us to read about fruit and vampire bats throughout the world. Anastasia couldn't get enough of them. Her large eery kite should like a real one, but I think my geometric marvel will out fly it. Monsieur Gilliard will not say which one has the best design, but both Olgas think that my kite will win. Of all my sisters, Olga reads the most and so I have high hopes regarding my kite. But I have a secret plan which is going to stump Anastasia totally.

  25 March 1916, - 7 April 1914 - If only we could go to our Palace in Livadia, but Mama will not let us have such a pleasure when our soldiers are dying. However she had agreed to let us migrate to Peterhoff. Anastasia is now much poorer and is determined to have her revenge. I outwitted her. My kite flew almost one hundred feet higher than my sisters and she is still calling me a cheat. I simply outmanned her, but all is fair in love and war isn't it? I used small lit candles under a waterproof canopy to carry my kite aloft. It puffed up like a hot air balloon. Anastasia was not amused and now owes me her monthly allowance. I plan on spending it all on gum drops and chocolates at the local village store.

  26 March 1916, - 9 April 1916 - Father Grigory has written that he is traveling, but he did stop to bless me and Mama before he left Petrograd. Since he has friends in high places, he enjoys staying in mansions like the Yousopouvs and mansions of other Russian gentry. His daughter writes to Marie that he hasn't been home to Siberia in ages. Mama and I were glad to feel his soothing hand and feel his mystical powers. One look in his dark bizarre eyes and I am strengthened and no longer fear for the future. I feel as if he's sucked the evil causing my malady from my system. Mama feels it too and no longer asks how this is possible.

  28 March 1916 - 10 April 1916 - Papa has sent me a new gun which an inventor sent to him. It is an automatic repeating rifle, but it would be too expensive to make for the troops, but he realized how it could be adapted to shoot simple hard peas or beans to entertain me. I lay in Mama's rattan wicker wheelchair outside and shoot a paper target. I am a dead eye shot. If someone chooses to invade the palace, he'll have to get by me. There is not a bird left in sight in any of the trees.

  1 April 1916 - 13 April 1916 - It is April Fools day and I am determined to out do myself this year. I sent Anastasia a phony telegram from Grandmama to join her in Livadia. The imp spent the day excitedly packing. When her trunk was packed, I had another telegram delivered which read: April Fools you sucker. I wonder if Anastasia is getting more naïve as she grows older?

  I watched my other sisters eat chocolate covered box elder bugs oblivious of their contents until I yelled out April Fools after the sack was empty. It had the words chocolate covered raisins on the package.

  I had Uncle Paul call Mama and tell her that Papa had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts with the Duma. Mama actually stopped chewing her greens for a moment before I shouted: April Fools.

  Anastasia got me back late that night when the telephone rang and a mysterious voice said that Rasputin had been shot. My heart almost stopped until laughter in the background convinced me that I had been had. "April Fools!" came Anastasia's high pitched voice. I was not laughing.

  All of us had new clothes for Easter as was traditional. My sisters looked charming in pale pink pleated skirts and blouses with elbow length angel sleeves edged in wide lace. Their hats had brims which were five inches wide.

  I had a new sailor suit of navy and white with gold buttons which my sisters think compliments my good looks.

  Mama's dress was made of Alencon lace with angel sleeves. Our picture was snapped for posterity and to display in our albums.

  Faberge's eggs were remarkable. Mama was pleased with Papa's and my picture which popped out when a button was pressed. What would our family do without Monsieur Faberge's creative genius. I long to see what was hidden in Grandmama's egg, but she is far away in the Crimea.

  15 May 1916 - 28 May 1916 - I am teaching Joy to do tricks. Wearing Grandpapa Alexander's old opera hat and cape which I found in a trunk in the attic, I dressed Joy up like a stage magician. With silent signals namely a touch of a wand on her head, she answers yes or no to my questions by wagging her tail frantically which means yes; shaking her head means no. When Auntie Annya and my sisters came to read the latest novel at twilight, I asked them if they wouldn't rather have Joy answer a few questions. Of course they all wanted to hear Joy's remarks. When asked if Anastasia would ever get married. Joy shook her head no. When asked if Olga would get married, she wagged her tail. When asked if Auntie Annya would have children, Joy wagged her tail. When asked if Tatiana would marry she shook her head no. When asked if Tatiana would ever have children, Joy wagged her tail. Everyone laughed. When asked if Dmitry and Olga would marry she shook her head no. When asked if Countess Buxhoeveden would have a love child in her nineties, Joy wagged her tail. A good time was had by all.

  30 June 1916 - 12 July 1916 -
I had a hangnail on my finger and I bit it off not realizing what I was doing. The bleeding has refused to stop. Will I die from a hang nail?

  Mama says that we will have one summer birthday celebration for everyone. Tatiana protests since she hasn't had her ball yet, but only for a short time because she knows that Mama is counting on her support. That year, I received a small yaught of my own to sail in the lake. Mama always spoils me nonetheless. Anastasia enjoyed my expensive gift at least. She sailed around in the water as if she were a pirate princess while I watched longingly from my bedroom window much too weak to do anything.

  15 September 1916 - 28 September 1916 - It has been quite awhile since my last entry. Once more, I was very sick expecting to die. I have tasted every vile concoction any old hag could come up with. Many medicines tasted so disgusting, I was certain I'd been poisoned, but still I live. Eventually the bleeding stopped. I am so tired of this disease. What kind of life do I have?

  Now that I've rallied once more, M. Gilliard and M. Petrov had me write an essay on peaceful ways to end public demonstrations. I came up with several suggestions which I may use in the future if I'm ever confronted with

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