Smash!
Tears spilled down my face, a deep sorrow hollowing out my chest with each hit, which pissed me off more.
“Dinah!” My name was shouted from behind, but I was too lost in my rage, my arm swinging again, shattering another piece of the mirror. “Dinah, what are you doing? Stop!”
Arms came around me, but I fought against them, getting another hit in.
“Dinah! Please stop! Let go!” Scott’s hands grappled for the hammer, the terror in his tone loosening my hold, my body crumpling over as he yanked the mallet from my grip.
A heaved sob tore from my throat, the night’s events slamming into me, and I couldn’t deny the act of breaking the mirror ripped at my soul, as if it were part of me.
My gasps for oxygen dominated the room, Scott staying quiet behind me. Tears splattered on the rug, and I gripped my knees, trying to calm myself, searching for words to say.
Scott didn’t speak, but I could feel his emotions, like a web, tangled and thick. His breathing was heavy, the room throbbed with tension. Finally, he cleared his throat.
“I’m calling your parents.”
“What?” I swung around, anxiety zipping through my blood. “No.”
His jaw was locked, his shoulders vibrating. “No?” he huffed, his voice calm but furious. “You don’t get a say in this anymore, Dinah.” He took a step toward me, tossing the hammer onto the bed. “I came home to you smashing our mirror for no reason. You just lost your shit in front of my entire company…their families. Kids were hurt… Dozens were hurt. My boss had to go to the hospital because he got hit in the face by glass from the tree.” Scott’s tone rose, his cheeks deepening in color. “So, I don’t care what you want anymore. You are sick. Very sick!”
“I’m on new medication. It will work! I need more time to adjust to it—”
“Fuck!” Scott hollered, causing me to jump. He never swore like that. “Do you hear yourself, Dinah? Making excuses? You need help!”
“I’m getting it.”
“It’s not enough.” He stepped up to me. “You need to go somewhere they can watch you.”
“Watch me?” I exclaimed. “Like a mental institution? You want to lock me up as they did my sister?”
“She got better, didn’t she?”
“There was never anything wrong with her.” I heard myself shout back, not knowing why I said it. My sister had been sick, and she came back better, but why did I feel that wasn’t exactly true either? A fuzzy memory of her being carted away flickered back in my head. It felt as though I were missing something vital, like half the story was in darkness. “I won’t let you do that to me.”
Scott leaned back on his heels, his chin rising at my response. “I love you, Dinah, and I won’t stand to the side and watch this happen to you. I am calling your parents.” He reached for his cell.
“No!” I grabbed for the mobile, tugging it out of his hands. “Please, give me a little more time. The medication will kick in.”
“Give me back my phone.” He held out his palm, his arm shaking in anger.
I shook my head, curling the mobile to my chest.
“Now, Dinah!” His demand cut across the space.
I didn’t respond. It was instinctual, the need to keep this from my parents. A deep-seated notion I would fully fall over the edge the moment they took me to a clinic. They gave Alice over to a monster, a voice in the back of my head said. They took away her choice, saying it was for her own good. They will do the same to you.
“Dinah…”
I stepped back away from him.
“GODDAMMIT!” Scott bellowed, his hands gripping his hair. “I’m trying to help you. Do you know what it was like to watch you tonight?” Emotion poured from him, his arms thrusting out. “For everyone to see my girlfriend go batshit crazy? You were terrified, crying out in gibberish, flipping over tables and knocking down the tree. You ran around like something was after you, like you were being hunted.” He moved around in a frantic line. “Do you get how bad this is? You hurt people tonight, Dinah! Kids of my co-workers. Do you think I can ever face those people again? I can kiss the promotion goodbye. You sent my boss to the hospital.”
Shame trailed down my face; guilt, remorse, and embarrassment weighed down my chest. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry is not good enough anymore,” he snapped back, causing more tears to roll down. “Tell me what you’re seeing. How are you not able to tell the difference between a hallucination and what’s real? How is that possible?”
My lips pressed together, my head darting to the side. I couldn’t answer. I knew he would never understand, no matter what I said. When he watched Alice flip out, it had disturbed him for a long time. I don’t think he still looked at her the same, even after all this time.
“I don’t know what to do here, Dinah.” He rubbed frantically at his head, tugging at his tie and tossing it on the bed. “I’m—I’m not equipped to deal with this. This was not in our plan.”
“You think I was prepared for this? You think I want this happening to me?” I stabbed a finger into my chest. “I don’t, Scott. I’m scared and trying my best. But I don’t think anything will be what we planned, not anymore.”
“If you get help…”
“Doesn’t matter. Even if I get help, things have changed for me. I will always be the girl people will be cautious of, and I will always be fearful, wondering if it will return. Every time I act slightly differently, you are going to doubt me. You will never trust me or my opinion. I mean, what if it never goes away? What if this is me now?” I motioned to myself. “Have you thought about that? Could you handle it if I never got better? What if I was always on medication and seeing things? For the rest of my…our lives?”
Scott watched me, his chest moving in and out, his terrified expression at my question cracking truth against my heart—the realization neither of us wanted to face.
The answer was no.
Riiinngg.
His cell sprang to life in my hands, my regard automatically going down to look at the screen.
Leanne’s name flashed back at me.
Acid slithered down my throat as another realization hit me, becoming so clear I wondered how long I had pretended not to notice. Kept the truth in a box. Strangely I felt no jealousy or anger, only sadness.
Trying to hold back more tears, I handed the phone to Scott. “Answer. I’m sure she’s worried about you.”
Scott’s brow furrowed as he took the mobile back, seeing who was calling. He peered back up at me, confusion crossing his face, laced with panic and grief.
A sad smile wobbled on mine, my eyes expressing my sincerity, telling him what neither of us could say out loud yet.
“Answer it.” I flicked my chin at his cell.
He stirred on his feet, his hand running through his hair, but he picked it up. “Hey, Lea.” He tried to keep the affection from his voice, but I knew him too well. That was one thing with us—we had known each other far too long to ever lie to the other.
I could hear her voice through the phone, but not her words.
“We’re fine. Yeah, she’s here.” His eyes wouldn’t meet mine. “Yeah…yeah…okay…thanks. I’ll talk to you later.” He hit the off button, shoving it into his pocket.
“She was checking on you. Since you just ran out…” He cleared the anger from his throat. “Also wanted to tell me Doug was out of the hospital and back home on bed rest. Had to get ten stitches in his face.”
The guy was a douchebag, but I still cringed at the idea that he got hurt. Guilt and self-hate smothered around me.
We stayed quiet for a few beats before Scott sighed, his shoulders slumping. “What do we do here, Dinah?”
Stabs cut into my heart, tears building behind my eyes again. “I think you know.”
His gaze met mine, his features neutral, like he was afraid to ask or acknowledge.
“You are not happy,” I croaked. “You haven’t been in a long time.”
; “What? Of course—”
“No, Scott, you aren’t. The people we’ve been since moving in together? Those people are not happy. You used to be so carefree and happy—smiling and silly. I hate I took that from you.”
“You didn’t take anything from me.” He stepped up to me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Then why?”
“Because we’re not in love anymore.”
“What?” He jolted back as though I slapped him.
“We’ve been together so long we’ve become each other’s habit. We’re twenty and act forty. We could easily find ourselves with a house, kids, and wondering if we were ever meant for more than our plan. Will one day we resent and hate each other or be so routine we don’t even notice we haven’t been happy in years? That we no longer have sex?” Like now.
My heart ached, but I knew what I was doing was right for both of us. This was a time Scott’s presence would deter me, not help. I needed to stand on my own.
“So you want me to be the one to walk out? Be the asshole who leaves his girlfriend at a time like this? You know that’s not who I am. I can’t leave you.”
“I know. It’s why I’m the one asking you to go.” My words faltered a little, emotion clogging my throat. “I think we need a little space to figure out what we want. I need to get healthy, figure what’s going on with me. And I think you need to do the same.”
“Dinah…” A tear fell from Scott’s eye. “I can’t leave you. You’re my best friend.” Best friends. It was what we were; the lover part of our relationship had slipped away without us even noticing.
“I will be fine. I will call my parents. I promise.” I let the tears flow again. “What I’ve done tonight, to you… If you lose your job or that position, I will never forgive myself.” I lifted my head, firming up my voice. “Please, Scott.”
A hiccupped noise came from his throat. It was a full minute before I saw his head nod. “Yeah.”
Silently, he grabbed a bag, stuffing a few items into it while I watched. “I’ll stay with Marc for a few days.”
“Okay.” Numbly, I followed him to the door.
He turned around, wrapping me in his arms, his lungs heaving in grief. “I’ll call you soon. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I squeezed him back and stepped away.
His Adam’s apple bobbed, his eyes glossy as he stared at me for another beat, then turned and walked out, shutting the door.
I stared at the wood door blankly.
The boy I had loved for more than five years just walked out, the plan we had held on to for so long dissolving under my feet.
My heart ached, the pain deep as the tears spilled. I waited for the panic, the crippling devastation and misery to crash into me like a semi. The loss of my anchor, my other half, my lover, our plans, destroying me.
But it never came.
I struggled to pry my lashes apart as the light of a new day exposed the room in dull gray. My eyes went to the window. Fluffy snow drifted gently down like it was tiptoeing around me, unsure of my pending mood.
I was curled in the middle of the bed on top of the blankets, still in the dress I wore the night before, reminding me it wasn’t a dream I could brush away with relief. No, the nightmare was real. The dried blood still coated my skin, my face tight with crusty tears. I had cried until I passed out from exhaustion.
Yesterday, I had not expected I would go to bed alone, my longtime boyfriend temporarily moving out after a night of disaster.
All because of me.
I realized later how stupid it was of me to drink while on medication, but at the time, I hadn’t thought past wanting to feel normal, fun, and relaxed for a moment.
My choice ended in catastrophe. Now Scott might not only lose his promotion but his job as well.
Buuuuzzzzz
My cell hummed on my nightstand, my muscles heavy and struggling to move as I reached for it, Gabe’s name lighting up across.
“Hello?”
“Where the hell are you?” Gabe’s tone sounded annoyed. “You were supposed to be here thirty minutes ago. You are never late.”
I bolted upright, looking over at the side clock, the numbers taking me a moment to register.
“Oh shit!” I scrambled off the bed. “I’m so sorry. I’m coming.”
“Saturday is not a day to be late. We’re already packed with brats. Jenny is all by herself. Lei doesn’t come in until later. Get your ass over here ASAP, Dinah,” Gabe barked before hanging up on me.
Weekends this close to the holiday were hectic. It was a constant stream of hyper kids with sticky fingers and faces and exhausted parents letting their kids run amok.
“Crap.” Anxiety twitched my muscles, feeling the guilt of letting more people down. Darting for the shower, I quickly washed and dressed in my elf uniform, forgoing my coffee, and zoomed out the door.
I was already halfway there when I realized I forgot my bag. My bag, which had my license, wallet… and pills.
“Dammit!” I hit the steering wheel. I couldn’t go back, but the thought of not taking them doubled the anxiety in my system.
“I should be fine,” I muttered to myself. “Last night was probably because I mixed the two.” Even as the words left my lips, I didn’t even believe me.
My job was full of Christmas icons, make-believe, and craziness.
What could possibly go wrong?
The endless stream of kids kept my mind occupied for most of the day. We were so busy that I didn’t get time to eat. I was the only one on a double, seeing co-workers come and go. The day quickly turned into evening, darkness claiming the already dim sky by four o’clock, making it pitch dark by the time we closed.
“Holy shit, I’m exhausted.” Lei flopped onto a chair, throwing her belled shoes up on a footstool. “And I came in later than you.”
Putting away the vacuum, I rolled my neck around. I was actually thankful for the double; it kept my brain from dwelling on Scott and the incident the night before.
“There’s a party on campus. You want to come with me?” Lei stretched her ankles, the bells tinkling softly. “Or do you need to get home to Scott?”
“No, I need to get home—” I stopped myself, realizing the automatic response coming off my lips felt like a knife. A stab dug into my chest. Scott would not be waiting for me at home.
“Hey? Are you okay?” Lei sat up, tilting her head. I hadn’t even realized pain was lined across my face.
“Fine.” I wagged my head, clearing my throat.
“Don’t lie to me. I can see something is wrong.” She pushed out of the chair, heading to me. “Tell me.”
Lei was probably one of the few people I could confide in. My personality was to keep it private, to bottle it up, and not let people see the cracks, but she was someone who understood that.
“Uuuuhhhh...” I let out a shaky breath. “Scott and I kind of broke up last night.”
“Holy. Shit!” she burst out, her eyes widening into saucers. “Are you kidding me?”
“No.” I peered down at my shoes. “I don’t know if it’s for good or just for us to figure out a few things.”
“Jesus…that’s a huge deal. I am so sorry. I know you two have been together forever.” She pulled me into a hug. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” I stepped back, feeling sad, but also a little lighter for telling someone. “I don’t.”
“Yeah, I get it.” She pinned her lips together. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? Better than being all by yourself and dwelling on it. Have a little fun?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m gonna head home. Been a long day.”
“Yeah, sure,” she replied, grabbing her bag. “You have my number if you need to talk.”
“Thanks. Now, go on. I’ll lock up.” And then I would be going home to a cold, empty apartment, where the silence and emptiness would torment me.
I said no to everything outside my s
afety zone. It was a knee-jerk reaction. I was far too comfortable in my confined world. But I was starting to hate the walls I put around myself. Had I always been so controlled? Lei was as serious as I was about school, yet she still went out and had fun like a typical twenty-something.
Fear swirled in me, along with the thrill of pushing myself.
“You know what?” I didn’t let myself think. “I’ve changed my mind. I’ll go with you.”
“What?” Lei froze, her mouth dropping open. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah.” I forced my head to nod, feeling the doubt already seeping in, wanting the safety of my sofa and blanket. But I knew if I did, it wouldn’t be long until the space reminded me my life was in tatters. “I need to go home and change.”
“Oh, hell no.” Lei shook her head. “I know you. You’ll go home and never show up at the party. I have plenty of outfits in my car you can wear.”
“You have clothes in your car?”
“Of course. I’m barely home. I have several choices, depending on where I’m going and my mood. One should work for you.”
“I’ll go home really quick.”
“Nope,” she said firmer. “I finally got a yes out of you; I’m not letting it slip away. You need this, girl. If anyone does, it’s you.” She grabbed her car keys. “I’ll be right back. I promise I have something to make you look hot. A party after a breakup is a necessity. It’s part of the healing process.”
She ran out the door, allowing my fear to seep in. I really should go home, take my medication, drink some cocoa, put on a heartbreaking movie, and cry. Then call my mom and sister. Tell them everything that’s going on.
“Stop thinking, Dinah.” Lei was already back, her arms full of clothes. “You’re not getting out of this now.”
“I don’t think I have it in me to go. I don’t know how much fun I’ll be.”
“Has nothing to do with fun. You’re gonna hate it, I guarantee, but you’ll thank me for it later.”
I let out a laugh. “That is not helping your case.”
She tossed clothes at me, a strange smile curving her features. “Sometimes going a little crazy is the only way to find your way again.”
Beauty In Her Madness (Winterland Tale Book 3) Page 18