by TJ Klune
“Very specific weakness,” Charlie said. “Vince with a Groupon.”
I shrugged. “Medical science probably couldn’t even explain it.”
“I feel bad for the people standing with Vince,” Kori mused. “They’re all so… the same. Your side is much more festive.”
“Don’t remind me,” I muttered, attacking another mozzarella stick like it had murdered my family. “You should have seen the fit Nana threw when she found out she wasn’t in the wedding party. No one knows where she got that machete. I changed my mind rather quickly after that.”
“Probably Walmart,” Charlie said. “They sell machetes at Walmart.”
“She hasn’t been allowed in a Walmart since 2004,” I reminded him.
“Right,” Charlie said. “The 2004 Walmart incident.”
Kori made the sign of a cross as we held a moment of silence.
Those poor, poor people.
“Is your twinkie friend gonna make it from New Hampshire?” I asked Kori after a respectable amount of time had passed. “Tyson?”
Kori shook his head. “Nah. The spring term starts for him that next Monday, and he’s going home to Seafare before that. He’s convinced his brother and his brother’s husband are keeping something from him, and he’s made it his mission to find out what. Plus, you know. His boyfriend and all that.”
“Are they keeping something from him? And what were their names again? Wasn’t it something ridiculous like Panda and Duck-Billed Platypus?”
Kori laughed. “Bear and Otter. And yeah, they’ve been weird lately. They’re up to something, I just don’t know what. It’s not bad, at least I don’t think. Ty’s doing better, so it’s not anything having to do with him.”
“You don’t want to go see him? Your spring break is coming up too.”
Kori put her hand on top of mine. “There will be plenty of time for that. He’s moving back to Seafare this summer, though he hasn’t told anyone else yet. I think he’s proved to himself what he’s set out to do. This month is about you and Vince. I’m here to help.” She sat back in her chair and spread her napkin on her lap. “Besides, like hell am I going to miss your bachelor party.”
“You know something, don’t you,” I accused her. “You know what he’s planning.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kori said, batting her eyes at me. “Charlie knows too.”
“Oh boy,” Charlie said. “I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about.”
“Daddy.”
He sighed. “It’ll be fun.”
“Are there going to be hats with penises on them? Because if someone makes me wear a hat with penises on them, I will not have fun.”
“Everyone else will,” Charlie said.
The food was brought out and I said good-bye to any hopes I’d had of looking like Vin Diesel by the time my wedding day came. It hadn’t necessarily been a reasonable goal, but I thought I’d at least be able to have one abdominal muscle by the end of March.
“So what’d you want to have lunch for?” I asked Charlie, chewing obnoxiously.
“Can’t I just take out my friends?” Charlie asked, brow furrowing. “Especially one that’s about to get married.”
And oh. That’s how he wanted to play it. “You can,” I said. “And you do. And it’s very nice of you. Thank you.”
He softened a little. “You’re welcome, boy.”
I leaned forward and slammed my hand on the table. “Now cut the bullshit, Daddy. Spill it before I spill your blood.”
“Eep,” Kori squeaked. Then, “God, why do I get fear boners?”
Charlie pointed his steak knife at me. “You want to try me?”
I threw a french fry at his face. It bounced off his forehead. Then I reached across the table, grabbed it, and put it back on my plate, because I was convinced these french fries were made from angel tears and I could not waste even a single one of them. My fat guy priorities were in order.
“Ooh,” Kori breathed. “Motherfucking shots fired. Are you going to stab him, Daddy? Maybe you should wait until after the wedding. Oh, who am I kidding. I’ve never been to a stabbing before. Do it.”
But much to our surprise, Charlie did not stab me. To our further surprise, he deflated, the knife rattling against his plate as he set it down. He picked his napkin up and wiped his mouth, took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and said, “There’s something I needed to talk to you about.”
“Ha!” I crowed. “I knew it! What did you do? Did you get someone pregnant? Am I going to be an uncle? Wait, none of that makes any sense. What the hell am I talking about?”
“None of us ever know,” Kori said, patting my hand.
“Dammit,” I said. “That’s unfortunate.” I looked back at Charlie. “Okay. I’m ready. Hit me with it.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Charlie said with a scowl, which obviously meant it was a huge deal. “I just wanted to clear something with you before… you know what? Forget it. It’s nothing.”
“Oh no,” I said. “I absolutely will not forget it. Charlie, you best tell me what it is right now or I swear to God, I will tell Sandy you’re keeping secrets from us, and we both know how that’ll go.”
“Damn queens,” he mumbled. “Using their powers for evil instead of good.”
“Exactly. So you may as well tell me now, because we both know I will find out.”
“It’s not…. It’s nothing big….”
And that’s when I knew I needed to stop messing around with him. If there was one thing I knew about Charles Danvers, it was that he never asked for anything. He did his very best to make sure that all of us had whatever we wanted, that all of us were taken care of, but he never asked for anything. For birthdays. For Christmas. Favors. Anything. This was… serious.
But the more I played it up, the more uncomfortable he’d become, and he didn’t deserve that. It was serious, yes, but he didn’t want it to be.
“You can ask me whatever you want,” I said lightly. “You know that. Anything for you, Daddy.”
He looked up at me, eyes narrowed, gauging my sincerity, which made me feel like a bit of an ass. Sometimes not having a filter wasn’t the best thing in the world.
Kori kept quiet, seeming to have picked up on how serious this was.
Charlie looked like he was struggling to find the right words. He scrubbed a gnarled hand over his face as he muttered something I couldn’t quite make out. But then I could see the resolve taking over, and I hoped whatever came next wasn’t bad. If Charlie was… sick, I didn’t know what I’d do. I couldn’t lose him. Not now. Maybe not ever.
So when he spoke and went a direction I didn’t expect, I was a little dumbfounded.
“You know when you sent out the wedding invitations?” he said, sounding extraordinarily grumpy. “And I RSVP’d and put I would be coming by myself?”
“Yes,” I said slowly, unsure of where this was going. “But you didn’t even need to do that, because you’re in my wedding, Daddy. You’re family, you know?”
That steel exterior cracked a little, and he gave me a small smile. “I know, boy. And it’s the best family I’ve ever had.”
Uh-oh. He needed to hurry the fuck up because I was about to have feelings.
“But it’s not about that,” he continued. “It’s… um.” He glanced between Kori and me, and suddenly it hit me that he was nervous. Never, in my entire time knowing Daddy, could I remember him being nervous. “If it’s not too much trouble. I’d like to… change. That.”
“Change what?” I said, sounding rather breathless, even to myself. I wasn’t sure if I was scared or not because I had no idea what was going on.
He swallowed thickly as he scratched the back of his neck.
“You’re blushing,” I said in awe. “Why are you blushing!”
“Oh my God,” Kori whispered. “No. Fucking. Way.”
Charlie’s eyes went wide as he looked at Kori.
“Are you being ser
ious right now?” she demanded.
He licked his lips. Glanced back at me. Looked back at Kori. Then nodded.
“You sly old bastard!” she shrieked.
“What is happening!” I shouted, not even caring that everyone was looking at us.
“Keep your voices down,” Charlie hissed. “We’re in public.”
“I can’t believe you hid this from us,” Kori said, pulling out her phone. “I am going to tell so many people, you don’t even know. I’m going to tell people I don’t even know. I don’t care. Everyone needs to hear this. This might be the greatest thing that’s ever happened. Paul, your wedding is a close second.”
“Everyone does not need to hear this,” Charlie said, deftly plucking her phone from her hands as she squawked at him.
“Hear what?” I said, exasperated.
Charlie sighed. “I need to change the invitation. To a plus-one. I’m… bringing. Someone. With me.”
“What,” I said. Because what.
“It’s not a big deal,” Charlie said, sounding defensive.
“Um, yeah it is,” I said. “You have a secret boyfriend. In what world is that not a big deal? Also, Kori, I was about to fucking stab you in the eye for saying my wedding was second for you behind this, but now that I know what’s going on, I totally agree.”
“Thank you, Paul.”
“That being said, if you ever say my wedding day is second again, I will sell your organs on the black market.”
“Understood, Paul.”
Before I turned back to look at Charlie, I gave Kori a complicated series of movements with my eyebrows, suggesting that she allow me to take the lead on this. She responded in kind, telling me she would be my backup. We’d perfected this during the days of Good Cop, Bad Cop, Corrupt Cop when the whole Darren and Sandy debacle had occurred. Well, most of us had perfected this. Vince just kept bursting into laughter every time I tried to talk to him with my eyebrows. He was such a lost cause.
We turned slowly back to Charlie, who folded his arms across his chest, looking like he was having none of our shit.
“Hi, Daddy,” I said.
“Boy,” he responded, the warning evident in his voice.
“So, how are you?”
“Really. That’s what you’re starting with.”
“Doing good?”
“Yes, Paul. I’m good.”
“That’s nice to hear.” I smiled at him to let him know we were all friends here and that he had nothing to worry about. “So, anything you want to talk about?”
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered.
“Ain’t nobody talking about our lord and savior right now, funny man,” Kori said, eyes wide. “Maybe cut the shit and get on with it.”
“Kori,” I hissed. “I gave you the eyebrows. You know what that meant!”
“I couldn’t take it anymore. You were taking too damn long. Paul, he has my phone. I have been without my phone in my hand for almost five minutes. Do you understand what that means for someone of my generation? It’s like you took my pancreas.”
I squinted at her. “How is that like taking your—”
“It makes sense! I am a millennial. Someone might be tweeting something that I have an opinion on and will need to give said opinion unsolicited. It’s what we do.”
“It’s not about tweeting,” I said, sounding scandalized. “It’s about Daddy lying to us about his little somethin’ somethin’ he’s tapping on the side.”
Charlie drank the rest of his beer in one long gulp.
“Getting dark,” Kori whispered. “Can… barely… function… without… social media….”
“His name is Robert,” Charlie said, and that pretty much ended whatever it was Kori and I were doing.
“Robert,” I repeated.
“Robert and Charlie,” Kori said. “Okay. I can see this.”
“How long have you been dating him?” I asked.
That made him look even grumpier. “We’re not dating. That’s not what we’re doing.”
“Then what are you doing?” Kori asked.
“Oh my God,” I said. “Is this your fuck buddy? Did you just ask me if you could bring your fuck buddy to my wedding?”
“You watch your mouth,” Charlie said, pointing a finger at me. “I will not hesitate to get you over my knee, you understand me?”
“Yes, Daddy,” I said meekly.
“Good. Now, you get to ask five questions. No more. Make them count.”
“How old is he?” Kori blurted.
“That wasn’t even a good question,” I snapped at her.
“Excuse you, it was an excellent question.”
“Sixty-seven,” Charlie said.
“You cradle robber,” I said, suitably impressed.
“I’m not sure that’s how that works.”
“Okay,” I said. “My turn to ask a question. How long has he been your love bug?”
“Oh, like that was any better,” Kori muttered.
“We’ve been… enjoying each other’s company since just after the New Year,” Charlie said.
Enjoying each other’s company, Kori mouthed at me, before giving the universal sign of a blowjob, tongue firmly planted in her cheek. Literally.
“I can see you,” Charlie said. “In case you didn’t know.”
“I meant for you to,” Kori said. “How did you meet him?”
“How does anyone my age meet men these days?”
Kori cocked her head as I picked up my Bloody Mary to take a sip. “Grindr?”
“What? No. Getting my prostate checked.”
I sprayed Bloody Mary out of my nose and mouth all over the table.
“You look like your insides exploded and are leaking out of you,” Kori said with a grimace, handing me another napkin.
“Everything is burning,” I wheezed. “And he was checking your prostate? Charlie, TMI. So much fucking TMI. That has to be against the Hippocratic oath or something—”
“I was at a doctor’s appointment,” Charlie said, dry as dust. “In the waiting room. So was he.”
“Ohhh,” I said, dabbing my napkin in the water before rubbing it on my face. I had pepper in my nose, and I figured it was probably there to stay, at least for the foreseeable future. “That makes more sense. And probably what I should have gone to first. I am nothing if not a product of my upbringing.”
“Two questions left,” Charlie said.
“Why now?” Kori asked. “What happened to make you want to introduce us to him?”
Daddy shrugged awkwardly. “It’s uh… ah, hell. It’s getting serious, okay? At least I think it is. And I wanted to give it time in case it wasn’t. I didn’t want—okay. Look. I just… I just want him to meet my family. I talk about all of you enough, like you’re my own kids.” He glanced at me before looking away, seemingly embarrassed. “And your wedding day is going to be one of the happiest days of my life. I want him to be there so he can see that.”
“I’m not crying,” I sobbed. “You’re crying. And even if I am crying, it’s because of the Bloody Mary. And also your words, you old bastard.”
“Wow,” Kori said, wiping her eyes. “You are so going to lose that bet with Vince.”
“Absolutely not,” I said, sniffling. It smelled like tomato juice. “I totally got this.”
“You can’t change your mind,” Kori told Charlie. “You have to bring him now. It’s out there. We know. We’ll find him if you change your mind. And no one wants that.”
And when Charlie said, “I won’t change my mind,” I believed him. Then, “Last question.”
Kori nodded at me, giving me the go-ahead. And there was really only one question left to ask, and I thought maybe it was the most important one. Even though I already knew the answer, I needed to see the look on his face.
“Does Robert make you happy?” I asked, Bloody Mary still on my face and clothes and all over the table, even on Charlie’s steak somehow.
And I saw the way his eyes lit up, the
curve of his smile. The way he sat a little straighter even as he ducked his head, blush spreading along his cheeks again. “Yes,” Charlie said. “I believe he does. He’s… good. For me. Makes me feel younger, you know? It’s been a long time since I had someone who… cared about me. Like that.”
And because I really couldn’t take it another moment, I stood up quickly, chair knocked over, everyone staring at us yet again. But I didn’t give a flying fuck about them or if they thought the fat gay guy was making another scene. All that mattered right then was that moment when I stood behind Charlie, bending over and wrapping my arms around him, chin on his shoulder while he patted my hands clenched tightly on his chest. “I’m happy for you, Daddy,” I whispered in his ear, and if he wiped his eyes, well.
None of us were going to say anything about it.
Chapter Three: German Peanut Farmers Are All About the Nuts
March 9, 2016
T-Minus 17 Days
“PAUL GAVE me Sleepytime Tea and then took me in his windowless van!” the parrot known as Johnny Depp screeched as soon as Vince and I walked into my parents’ house for dinner.
“That was more descriptive than usual,” Vince said. “I wonder where he learns all this?”
“I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count,” I muttered, setting Wheels down and watching him tear down the hallway.
“Pretty!” Johnny Depp screamed, having heard Vince’s voice. “Pretty, pretty!”
Vince frowned. “Why would you give me three guesses and not count two of them? That doesn’t seem very fair. What if I get it right on the first guess, but then it didn’t count?”
“What? Vince, what are you—you know what? Never mind.”
“Okay, my first guess is television.”
“Look at that, you were right.”